During the monologue to set up a joke, Dave asked the audience that if the election were held tomorrow, would they vote for Kerry or Bush. Dave has held these very informal polls in the past and for the first time it sounded as if Kerry held the advantage.

There is a new anti-Kerry book attacking his military record and it will be coming later this month. The publishers have already released this commercial promoting the book.

“Hero. Silver Star winner. Purple Heart winner. These are some of the phrases used to describe John Kerry during his military service. But how accurate are they? Read ‘Unfit for Command’ and learn the truth!

And be sure to stop down at the Barnes and Noble on 54th and 3rd Avenue n Manhattan to meet authors John O’Neill and Jerome Corsi.” (cut to photo of the authors, who are obviously Bush and Cheney in a simple mustache disguise.)

“’Unfit for Command.’ In bookstores August 15th.”

GEORGE W. BUSH ECONOMIC EXPERT: It’s always nice when the President can put a hard-to-understand idea into simple words for all to appreciate. From a July 20th campaign stop in Cedar Rapids, Iowa:

“Yeah, what, like, okay, like what is that? Like, when, uhh, what, well, like, when you say ‘invest’, what does that mean?”

CBS MAILBAG:
LETTER #1: From Sutaru Tokey of Sacramento, California
“How long is a New York minute?”

Dave answers, “Who cares?” He then explains that a minute here is just as long as a minute anywhere but the expression refers to how quickly a minute seems here because of all the bustling activity. To help demonstrate, we have our stagehand Pat Farmer on 53rd Street with a stop watch. Pat activates the stop watch and we go back to Dave who says Pat will observe what takes place in one minute on a fast-paced Manhattan street like West 53rd.

DAVE: “Pat, what’s going on so far?”

PAT: (he is writhing on the sidewalk, his hands tied behind him, his face bloodied) “Bastards took my wallet, Dave. And my cell phone. Even the damn stop watch . . .”

DAVE: “Wow, that was fast. Sorry, Pat.”

LETTER #2: From Leon Fowler of Montclair, Virginia
“Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?”

Dave answers, “Who cares?” Dave goes on to explain the very important work teachers perform. Dave thinks back to his most memorable teacher, a Miss Wright in the 8th grade. She inspired and pushed Dave to do his best and says he has always been grateful for what she did for him. She made all the difference in Dave’s life. She’s long retired now, but to show his appreciation he flew her out here tonight to thank her in person.

DAVE: “Here she is, my 8th grade teacher, Miss Wright.”

A young, beautiful and shapely woman enters from the guest entrance. She can be no older than 27 years old. Dave meets her half way and they engage in a long loving hug. After a longer than required hug, Dave returns to his chair and Miss Wright exits. A puzzled Biff asks, “Dave, was that really your eighth grade teacher?”

Dave answers curtly, “Shut up, Biff.”

LETTER #3: From Bill Walter of St. Louis, Missouri
“Does Alan dye his hair or is that natural?”

Dave answers, “Who cares?” People are always writing in to ask about Alan’s hair and that was the inspiration for this new segment, “The Alan Kalter Makeover.” Watch. We go to a clip. We see Alan standing in a beauty salon, a woman sitting in the salon chair.

ALAN: “Hi, and welcome to ‘The Alan Kalter Makeover.’ With us today is a young woman in dire need of a fashion pick-me up. Tell us who you are.”

WOMAN: “My name is Heather Lubis and I think I need a new look. I’m tired of the old me.”

ALAN: “Well, you came to the right place. Get ready for ‘The Alan Kalter Makeover.’ Let’s begin, shall we?”

We go through a montage of beauty maneuvers, such washing the hair, blow drying, selecting new clothes, etc. Cut to Alan alone in the salon.

ALAN: “The moment of truth is here. Let’s see how Heather looks with her Alan Kalter makeover.”

Heather comes to the door. She is Alan’s double. She, looking exactly like Alan, cries out, “What did you do to me?” in her womanly voice. Alan Kalter wonders, “What?”

Dave answers, “Who cares?” We couldn’t get George W. Bush on the show but we got the next best. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge.”

Secretary Ridge, looking a lot like LATE SHOW writer Gerry Mulligan, enters in a shout.

RIDGE: “Shut up. You don’t know me! Shut up! I’ll slap all you bitches!”

DAVE: “Thanks for being here, Secretary Ridge. Can you shed a little light on the threat level being raised to orange?”

RIDGE: “Actually, Dave, not only is it orange, but I’m pleased to announce that we have our first corporate sponsor. Take a look.”

We see a shot of the Terror Alert chart. The lowest threat level is green, the highest threat level is red. Orange is the second highest level. In the orange level on the chart is the familiar and very popular Tropicana logo. Back to Ridge, we find him drinking from a carton of Tropicana Orange Juice.

RIDGE: “Mmmm! What an elevated sense of refreshement!”

DAVE: “That’s great. Now it seems many people don’t have that much confidence in your department lately. How do you respond?”

RIDGE: “To those people I say, watch this.”

We see a message from the Department of Homeland Security.

Announcer: “The Department of Homeland Security has received new information about Al Qaeda’s intentions. According to e-mails discovered on a captured Al Qaeda laptop, Osama bin Laden may be planning to purchase discounted prescription drugs, refinance his mortgage at an amazingly low rate, or enlarge his penis. Americans are urged to remain on high alert.

A message from the Department of Homeland Security.”

DAVE: “That was very informative. Uh, Secretary Ridge, what are you doing?”

Tom Ridge is now dressed head-to-toe in an all-white hazardous material suit.

RIDGE: “Everything’s fine. Hey, to take your mind off all this crap, I got just the thing. Hit it, Ashcroft!” (Ridge begins to sing)

“On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love.”

DAVE: “Secretary Tom Ridge, ladies and gentlemen.”

RIDGE: “Try the new Baja Potato Boats at Applebee’s. They’re starch-tastic!”

And with that, Secretary Ridge exits.

Before closing up the mailbag, Dave asks if there is enough time to bring out his 8th grade teacher again? Knowing the answer he wants to hear, Executive Producer Barbara Gaines says there is indeed time left for Dave’s 8th grade teacher. Dave closes up the mailbag and teacher and student once again reunite.

Congratulations to Tommy Lasorda – 50 years ago today, actually August 5, 1954, he made his major league baseball debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers. His career spanned four years, two with the Dodgers and one with the Kansas City Athletics, and finished with a record of 0-4. In 1955, he was sent down to the Dodgers farm team to make room for . . . . Sandy Koufax. Yes, it took Sandy Koufax to knock Tommy Lasorda out of Brooklyn.

Congratulations, Tommy Lasorda.

TOP TEN: Signs Tom Ridge Needs a Vacation – the Secretary has been very busy these past few weeks and will probably be very busy right up to and through the November election.
#6. Blew off terrorist briefing to see “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.”
#4. Before making important decisions, asks self, “What would Courtney Love do?”
#2. Stands outside White House all day screaming “Condoleezza!!!!

TOM CRUISE: Hobbies? Tom likes climbing and riding motorcycles. What does Tom find fascinating with climbing? It’s peaceful and relaxing. Highest elevation? 14,500 feet. Dave says when he first visited Wyoming he wanted to do everything. Everything was wide open. On the first day he went out running, canoeing, climbing. Unfortunately he never gave himself time to acclimate to the altitude and suffered AMS, Acute Mountain Sickness. Has that ever happened to Tom?

This is where I became distracted about something in the shack, perhaps I had to type up a blue card or something, but I missed the start of Tom’s story. What I was able to gather is Tom and a friend went flying in the high altitudes after a strenuous climb. Concerned about how the high altitude and thin air may affect them, Tom and his pal decided to unhook the oxygen being supplied to an assistant on the climb, a fat guy who was napping at the time. If he could handle the extreme high altitude, then everything would be OK. Yes, most would agree this was a rather unorthodox experiment. Tom got into a laughing fit over what happened next and could barely finish the story. Time and time again he tried but his hysterics got the best of him. It’s always funny watching a person unable to control his laughter. It’s happened to all of us, for me usually in church. Tom describes the guy waking up and feeling strange. The guy said, “My hands are tingling. It must have been the way I was lifting.”

Dave laughed along with Tom, but was concerned a bit about Tom’s methods of discovery. Dave says, “Well, it’s funny now, I guess.” The altitude wasn’t so high to cause death, just numbness in the extremities. While Tom attempted to regain control, Dave throws to commercial. Collateral, directed by Michael Mann, opens Friday. Tom wears a wig.

ACT 5: “Attention viewers. This is a VCR Alert! On tonight’s LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN, superstar Tom Cruise sits down with Dave to talk about his new film, Collateral. So don’t forget to set your VCR. It’s a Late Show you won’t want to miss.”

DAX SHEPARD: Dax was here last when Dave was playing hooky with the shingles a year and a half ago. Jimmy Fallon was the Guest Host that night. You may know him from “Punk’d”, the Ashton Kutcher vehicle. (I just wanted to say ‘vehicle’). Was it fun being on “Punk’d”? Dax says it went against every fiber of human decency. We all strive to be liked and respected. On “Punk’d”, the goal was to have the person want to beat the hell out of you, to beat you within an inch of your life.

Dax appears in the August 18th release of Without a Paddle. There is a lot of canoeing in the movie, and it sounds a bit like a funny Deliverance. In fact, Burt Reynolds even appears in the film, a long time hero of Dax’s. Dax has a poster of Burt in his bathroom: “Burt Reynolds is Gator. Come get him.”

And that was our show for Wednesday August 4, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

LATE SHOW writer Gerry Mulligan is a guest Thursday night’s program. You won’t want to miss it.

Hey hey hey, how about our U.S. Men’s Olympic Basketball team? POW! Right in the kisser from Italy. Our stars lost by the score 95-78. And then Wednesday night they squeaked by Germany on a last second shot by Allan Iverson. This ain’t your father’s mens Olympic basketball team. Hopefully they’ll medal.

Yesterday during my tale of a visit to the American Girl Doll store, I finished with “anything to get out without spending any more, I convinced the girls if we left immediately I would take them for ice cream at the Stone Cold Creamery.”

I then received this from Christine Kepley of Cape Coral, Florida:

“Just a little note as I was concerned that you might be taking the girls to a StoneCold Creamery -- I am more familiar with the Coldstone variety-- is this Stonecold some sort of WWF Coldstone ripoff with ice cream flavors such as "Cheesy" and served up by crazed egomaniacs?”

Bob Murphy, the voice of the New York Mets for 42 years, died yesterday. He was there on Day 1 of the Metropolitans existence way back in 1962 and was there up to the final game last year. And now he’s gone. I had forgotten how good he was until just a few years ago. I had been listening to the “new” Yankee radio announcers, meaning those from the last 15 years, and I guess I became accustomed to their non-stop, never ending yak-fest. Not for a second do you get the chance to enjoy the quite ambiance of the steady hum of the baseball crowd in the background. The chatter was a constant. Then during a rain delay, I turned on the Met game. Bob Murphy was doing the game. I’m not much the Met fan but the way he let the game come through my car radio speaker was an absolute delight. In his silence, you could hear the beer man hawking the suds, you could hear the umpire call a strike, you could hear the leather-lung fan encouraging his team. And when he spoke, it was short and to the point, sprinkled with a colorful description of the everyday. Bob Murphy was the type of baseball announcer you’d want while rocked in your chair, whittling on a summer evening on the front porch. Yankee announcers sound as if they’re always trying to make the next light.

Good night, Bob Murphy. And thanks for all those happy recaps.