Baseball Hall of Famer Ernie Banks used to say, "It's a great day. Let's play two." I agree with Mr. Cub. Coming at you, two Wahoos for the price of one!

Who's in with the band tonight? Anton, filling in for Paul who is with his dad in Canada, introduces Michael Bearden on keyboards. "And who is that behind Michael Bearden?" Anton looks back at the burly tank-topped man on the guitar and says he has no idea. With that, burly man rips off his guitar and runs over to announcer Alan Kalter. With two punches to the face followed by a kick, the impostor from the band satisfies an urge we all sometimes feel; he beats the heck out of Alan.

The heightened alert is due in part to some recently-intercepted Al Qaeda "chatter." A friend of Dave's at the CIA sent him a couple of highly-classified tapes. Dave shares.
It's a clip of Osama and his buddy.
Osama: "Did you like 'Catwoman'?"
Buddy: "ehhhh"
Osama: "That Halle Berry, very sexy."
Buddy: "ehhhh"
Osama: "Are you even paying attention?"

A MOMENT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH: We found this clip just before the show. I hadn't seen it until it aired. I didn't quite get what he said but he jangled the sentence structure a bit and said the opposite of what he wanted. Oh, that George.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE KERRY/EDWARDS CAMPAIGN - some of the highlights include:
9:00 AM - While ordering breakfast at Denny's, Kerry manages to mention his military service eleven times.
Noon - Botox time! . . . I mean, uhh, economic meeting with his advisors.
12:30 PM - For the eighth time today, Al Gore is told that John Kerry is 'In a meeting.'
2:30 PM - John Kerry goes to North Dakota. Flip-flops and goes to South Dakota.
3:30 PM - Kerry tells crowd he has 3 Purple Hearts.
3:35 PM - Dick Cheney tells crowd he has 3 baboon hearts.
5:00 PM - Campaign bus 'accidentally' leaves Teresa behind again.
8:30 PM - Rest of balloons finally drop from Fleet Center rafters.
9:00 PM - Kerry briefly nods off during his own speech.

TOP TEN: Signs Athens Isn't Ready For The Olympics - the Summer Olympics opens next Friday, August 13th.
#9. Committee still hasn't selected really gat them for Opening Ceremonies.
#7. Yesterday, Athens' Mayor said, "Wait, we're hosting the Olympics?"
#6. Thanks to mailroom blunder, all the steroids were shipped to Crete.
#2. All the "Greece" signs have a photo of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John

GERARD MULLIGAN: He's been working with Dave for 25 years. The Mulligan story:
- Grew up in Cranston, Rhode Island
- Went to Catholic schools
- Became a college English teacher
- This happened and that happened and ended up in San Francisco.
- Started doing stand up.
- Moved to Los Angeles.
- Met Merrill Markoe.
- She introduced him to Dave Letterman
- Started writing for Dave Letterman.
- And that was 25 years ago.

Dave asks, "So when did you realize you were funny?"
Mulligan starts, "I was a very smart kid . . . and still am very smart." He skipped 2 grades early in Catholic school (This surprised me. I never knew a Catholic school to give away two years of tuition.) Being younger than the rest, Gerry felt like a big dumpy kid. Then one day he made a joke in class that got a big big laugh and it changed everything.
Dave asks if he remembers the joke.
Of course, Mr. Mulligan does.
Gerard says he was a 14-year-old kid in the 1950's. Brother Eugene just came back from a nervous breakdown. (this got a big laugh but this kind of thing happened more often than one would think). Somehow, the name Gene Autry came up in discussion in class. For those who don't know, Gene Autry was also know as the movie's Singing Cowboy. Brother Eugene says, "Boy, I can tell you a story about Gene Autry. . . ." Of course, this made the class plead for the story.
Brother Eugene says, "I held Gene Autry's hat while he went to the bathroom." Without thinking, without hesitation, without fear, Gerry Mulligan asks, "Did it get soggy?" For 14-year-olds in Catholic school, this joke killed. And ever since, Gerry didn't hesitate when it came to a joke. His report card was always straight A's, but an F in Deportment.

So what's next for Gerry Mulligan? (Hey! A Barbara Walters question!) Gerry says, "Jury duty." Gerry remembers the last time he had jury duty in Newark. Big signs all over the jurists parking lot, right by the court building, surrounded by court officers: "Not responsible for cars stolen."

Is Gerry ready for retirement? Gerry says he's been preparing for this day, gradually, for the past 20 years, writing less and less each year. What do the other writers think of Gerry? "They consider me a Writer Emeritus - I don't do any real writing - and sit around reading newspapers all day. And then I'll come out and say how the show used to be so much funnier."

We then take a look at a montage of some of Gerry's finer moments over the years, starting with the daytime's "David Letterman Show", through "Late Night" and up to the "Late Show."

Dave thanks Gerard for all he's done over the years "but most of all, thank you for your friendship."

We go to commercial.

Before introducing Jada Pinkett Smith, Dave says about Gerry Mulligan, "In those 8 minutes, he was funnier then he's been in the 25 years I've known him."

JADA PINKETT SMITH: She stars along side Tom Cruise in "Collateral." It opens Friday. Jada was excited to work with Tom, unfortunately throughout the movie she had to run AWAY from Tom Cruise instead of TO Tom Cruise.
Some things we learned about Jada: She's a ribbon-winning baker and the lead singer for "Wicked Wisdom." She and the band opened for Britney Spears on a recent tour. And she got her finger stuck in a latch while talking to Tom Cruise early in the shooting of the film. It was quite a first impression. Their conversation had come to a logical end, but Jada couldn't leave because while fidgeting she stuck her finger in part of a door lock and it got stuck. She had to confess her plight, to which Tom burst into laughter. She believes he would have helped if he could have stopped laughing. "Collateral" - it opens Friday with Tom Cruise, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jamie Foxx. And speaking of Jamie Foxx, I've been hearing nothing but good things about him in this film and especially in the story about Ray Charles. Look for it.

ACT 5: The following is a "Late Show Farewell"
The staff and crew of the Late Show would like to say farewell to writer Gerard Mulligan, who is retiring.
We'd also like to say farewell to Late Show graphic artist Garth Beams who was fired earlier this afternoon. Don't let the door hit you in the ass, Garth! This has been a "Late Show Farewell."

JESSICA SIMPSON: From her CD, "In This Skin", Jessica performed "Angels." Remember, her CD comes with a DVD of Nick and Jessica's Wedding, including scenes from the first season of "Newlyweds."

And that was our show for Thursday, August 5, 2004.

The place here is emptying out real fast.
Two reasons.
One, there's a party going on down the street for Mulligan.
Two, there's a vacation awaiting us.
If I want to get some of those little hot dogs at the Gerry Gala, I best be going quick. And now, here's what to expect on Friday's show. Friday, August 6, 2004
Show #2220

General Tommy Franks; and Greg Giraldo.
PLUS: Audience Show and Tell.

AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL
#1. Taylor Coghill, a student from Mission Viejo, California: She's a theatrical student who turns down the greatest opportunity anyone could offer a student of theater. She also wasn't aware of "Cats."
Her Show and Tell: She can impersonate a certain animal. I liked it.

#2. Brian Donahue from Mineola, Long Island, New York. He works in construction. What's he got? He has something to show.

#3. Mike Nelson, a student from Toronto: Mike Nelson is also the name of the character in "Seahunt." And Mike Nelson is also the name of SUNY Cortland's ice hockey goalie, 1979.
What does Mike have for us? He can do something with his elbows.

GENERAL TOMMY FRANKS: Got lots to say. He wants to be Dave's friend but it's hard when they don't agree on anything. Later, we get to see a photo of one ugly 1965 American. The General's words, not mine. To me he looked like a hero.

ACT 5: Celebrities Who'd Be Alive Today if They Weren't Dead.

GREG GIRALDO: Uh oh, somebody talked a bit too much earlier in the show. We ran out of time for his standup. We may have a better chance to see his routine at the Comedy Cellar, right here in New York City where he performs regularly.

You really can't gauge what kind of guest may go too long. Last week it was Rosie Perez. Tonight it was General Tommy Franks. You can search for years and years and the only thing you would find that General Tommy Franks and Rosie Perez have in common is that they both bumped Greg Giraldo.

Greg Giraldo has been rescheduled for Friday, September 3rd. So far he's the only one booked for that day.

And that will be our show for Friday, August 6, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I did some grocery shopping the other day. Do you realize there are no rules when it comes to pushing a shopping cart? When driving an automobile you have to stay to the right, you can't double park, you have to be aware of the other cars around you. In a supermarket, anything goes. I find the main problem is people have absolutely NO peripheral vision. It is only them in the place, no one else exists. They'll park the cart on the right side of the aisle to look at something on the left side of the aisle. I'll slowly approach with my cart in hopes that the person will realize what she's doing, clogging up both sides of the aisle. Never happens. I'll stop and wait, and wait, and wait, while the woman studies the label for the fat content of Spaghetti-Os. Please, when stopped to shop, when looking at something on the left side of the aisle, would you please park your cart on the left side of the aisle. Or, if you're scanning the products on the shelf and want a wide view of the right side of the aisle, stand on the left side with your cart. If I happen to need to pass by, I'll say excuse me and quickly get by without blocking your vision for more than a couple seconds. Come on! Let's work together on this! We can make it work!

I've also decided to look for the loud shopping cart, the one with the squeaky wheel or the one with the wheel that thumps. This way the fellow shoppers can hear me coming without my having to say, "Excuse me. Uhh, excuse me. Hello? Yes, just move it over just a little bit . . . your cart . . . just . . . . a little . . . a little more . . . another inch, please . . . oh never mind, I'll wait."

Vietnam vs. Viet Nam - one word or two?

I went to a Yankee game the other day. Two teen girls were sitting behind me. With the Yankees trailing badly, their conversation quickly became the most interesting thing of the day.
Girl 1: "I love Derek Jeter. He has the nicest butt."
Girl 2: "It's perfect. Perfect. I wish I had his ass. It's perfect."
Girl 1: "And he's so gorgeous."
Girl 2: "And single."
Girl 1: "Can you imagine . . . ."
Girl 2: "I do all the time."
Girl 1: "I don't understand why guys would wear Derek Jeter t-shirts."
Girl 2: "Maybe they're gay."
Girl 1: "Yeah."

From Wednesday's www.SFGate.com. - there was a story covering the Oakland Athletics baseball team which included the following:

"Manager Ken Macha and coach Ron Washington went to a taping of the 'Late Show with David Letterman' on Monday and they were amused when a member of Letterman's crew was planted in the audience as a gag and introduced himself as the 'Oakland Athletics' assistant equipment manager."

Oooh, I forgot to mention my surprise baseball team of the year, the San Diego Padres, in July's Wahoo Digest. At the end of July, the Pods were 3 games out of first, but leading the race for the Wild Card.

I'm off to the Jersey shore for a week, followed by a week of chores, with perhaps a day or two up in Saratoga, New York to drop a few quid on the ponies. Until then, enjoy these previously viewed Late Show programs.
MONDAY AUG. 9: From July 13, 2004; Show #2202 - Will Smith; and Jet. Plus, Biff Henderson Looks for Celebrities.
TUESDAY AUG. 10: From June 15, 2004; Show #2187 - Ben Stiller; and Beastie Boys. Plus NBA Finals Quiz.
WEDNESDAY AUG. 11: From June 16, 2004; Show #2188 - Dana Carvey; and Wilco. Plus, CBS Mailbag.
THURSDAY AUG. 12: From May 14, 2004; Show #2170 - Amy Sedaris; Modest Mouse; and rat expert Robert Sullivan. Plus, it's the 4 AM SHOW!
FRIDAY AUG. 13: From July 20, 2004; Show #2207 - Halle Berry; and Maria Mena. Plus, a top ten with Todd Hamilton, and Would You Like To Plant the Flag on the Moon?

MONDAY AUG. 16: From July 22, 2004; Show #2209 - Matt Damon; Carmelo Anthony; The Hives; and What's On Iraqi TV
TUESDAY AUG. 17: From May 28, 2004; Show #2180 - Andy Dick; Bob Woodward; and Vinnie Favale on cape. Plus, Stump the Band.
WEDNESDAY AUG. 18: From July 21, 2004; Show #2208 - Sharon Stone; and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Plus, CBS Mailbag and a top ten with Sean P. Diddy Combs
THURSDAY AUG 19: From May 3, 2004; Show #2161 - David Spade; Loretta Lynn & Do Whatters. Plus, American Idol John Stevens at Ruperts and Stupid Human Tricks.
FRIDAY AUG. 20: From June 21, 2004; Show #2191 - Larry Brown; Sean Hayes; and Phish on the Late Show marquee. Plus, Summer Calendar.

Adios, Senor Mulligan.