Dave has been watching the Olympics and is unsure how to take the synchronized diving event. It’s something new. Just before the dive, there is a lot of “Are you ready? Are you ready now?” between the divers.

And congratulations to Regis Philbin for becoming the Guinness World Record Holder for hours spent on television, surpassing Hugh Downs. He’s logged over 15,000 hours. Dave is not convinced it’s a record, though, wondering “I thought someone had to watch the program in order for it to count.”

Since we can’t show any actual footage of the Olympic Games, to avoid a lawsuit, we decide to show out of focus footage. With the picture in a complete blur, we enjoy the running of the men’s 100 meter dash. Thrilling. Absolutely thrilling.

One good thing about the Olympics being every two years now instead of every four, alternating between the Summer Games to the Winter Games, is we get to use that same joke more frequently than before.

So how is CBS counter-programming against the Olympics on NBC? Take a look at what we aired tonight.

We see black and white footage of a guy wrestling an ostrich. At least I think it was an ostrich. Either that or it was one of those East German women from the 1970’s hopped up on the growth hormones.

MORE WITH LES – This is our 6th installment of Dave meeting with the Co-President and Co-Chief Operating Officer of Viacom. Dave likes to touch base with the head-honcho every now and then just to check in on the “what’s happening” at CBS.

Les quickly tells Dave, “I’m so happy we have the Olympics here at CBS.” Dave laughs and asks Mr. Moonves if he is in fact watching the Summer Games on NBC. Les says he is and lists some of the events he’s enjoyed.

Dave is curious about the events over at the big CBS hit program CSI. Some of the actors played hard ball and threatened to walk out if their demands weren’t met. Les hard-balled them back and told them to start walking. Once they remembered how hard it is to wait tables, they soon came back hat in hand asking for their jobs back. Dave congratulates Les on the power play. Les thanks Dave but warns, “So don’t you ever try it.” After a laugh, Les admits, “I couldn’t imagine CBS without Dave Letterman.”

So what’s new at the LATE LATE SHOW? Craig Kilborn has decided to pursue acting or something and won’t be returning to the program. Les says, “I wanted to ask you to do an extra hour each night.” Dave laughs and says, “That could be done.” I laughed and said, “No, it couldn’t.”

Who’s going to fill in the void? Les suggests, “Regis needs a few more hours.”

Dave asks, “Any chance you can get Leno to do it?”
Les: “We want someone better than that.”
With that, Dave and Les say goodnight.

I think Dave is right. That Les can be too funny sometimes.

“IT’S A FACT” WITH BUILDING ENGINEER GEORGE CLARKE – We cut to George, who is bright red with the sunburn.

George: “Mayonnaise does not work as sunscreen. That’s a fact.”

TOP TEN: Reasons, I, Marion Jones, Love the Olympics – and to present tonight’s Top Ten list, from your United States Olympic Track and Field team, from Athens, Greece, Marion Jones.

Marion won 3 golds and 2 bronze medals in the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia. She will perform in the long jump competition later this week in Athens.

#6. If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won’t have that problem here.

JON CRYER: From Two and a Half Men. He’s one of the men. With some nudging from Dave, Jon “proudly” lists some of his past TV experience: The Trouble with Normal, Getting Personal, Partners, The Famous Teddy Z to name a few. Jon says he has been dubbed “the show killer.” He was paid a complement not too long ago, or perhaps I should say the show Two and a Half Men was paid a complement, in an article in Variety magazine. Written was “A show so good even Jon Cryer couldn’t kill it.”

Jon also appeared in the film Pretty in Pink which got a nice response from the audience.

He was also in Superman IV which was a huge fiasco. Jon says he knew it was doomed for failure immediately. Gene Hackman played evil Lex Luthor. Jon played his nephew Lenny Luthor. Threatening the world with a nuclear attack, evil Gene Hackman kept saying “Nu-cue-ler” instead of the proper “Nuclear.” Jon tried to correct him but it didn’t go over too well.

Dave reminds Jon that our president has the same problem with the difficult “Nu-cue-ler.”

Two and a Half Men is a big hit on CBS Monday and this season Sean Penn will make an appearance. How did they get Academy Award winner Sean Penn? Says Jon, “I think he and Charlie Sheen had the same bookie.”

CHRIS KENTIS: Director and writer of the film, Open Water. The low budget film is currently the #5 film in the country, having earned about $15 million so far. It cost $120,000 to make. Ka-ching!

The film is based on a couple who went on a scuba diving outing and were accidentally left behind and abandoned when the boat returned to shore. By the time the crew realized their mistake, the couple had disappeared. Later, their shark-mauled diving suits washed up on shore. Oooh. And I feel terrible when I make a typo on a blue card!

Chris said a similar incident happened to him. When he surfaced after scuba diving, he realized the boat had drifted away. He never became scared, only annoyed. The boat returned in about 15 minutes. Dave wisely points out that wouldn’t make for much a movie. Yeah, but you could probably cut the film’s budget by 30%!

Chris says that during the shooting of the film, a bit of a mishap took place. He was inside a cage under water filming some shark footage. There was a small opening in the cage which enabled him to get some clear shots. Unfortunately, the opening in the cage was large enough for the shark to enter and sure enough, one did. So now the cage contained both Chris and a shark. How did this end? Sorry, you’ll have to wait for the brand new TV series on FOX, “Bloops, Blunders, and Practical Jokes on Open Water.”

ACT 5: It’s time for the “Late Show Employee of the Week”

Congratulations to writers’ segment coordinator Tara Safar. Earlier today, Tara scratched up Dave’s car parked out front of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Way to go, Tara. You are our ‘Late Show Employee of the Week.’”

And that was our show for Monday August 23, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I had a lovely two weeks off, spending the first week at the Jersey Shore and the 2nd week at home being a part of my girls’ daytime life. Before we left for our week away, I paid a neighborhood kid $20 to water my tomato plants while we were away. She did a great job. As I paid her, I realized when all is said and done and if all goes well, my garden crop will yield perhaps $10 worth of tomatoes. Doesn’t quite make sense, does it?

I went out and purchased a new lawn mower over the break. I decided to get the push mower with a bagger. Everyone else in the neighborhood has a bagger on their lawn mower so I thought I should get one too. My old lawn mower just shot the grass clippings onto the lawn and since I never mow enough, the clippings would bunch up and leave the lawn an unclean look after mowing. Plus, the mower was old and making a funny sound when cutting. It was time to move on. I was thinking of waiting till the end of the summer to pick up a good sale at the local Lowe’s or Home Depot but decided I really wanted it now. Plus, like I said, all the neighbors have the bagger and I figured they knew what they were doing.

So I made the purchase and quickly assembled the mower. It is one of those Toro lawn mowers, a reputable company. As I was putting it together I sensed the box had been opened before, such as parts randomly gathered in a plastic bag, and I just knew a part would be missing. Much to my surprise I had no such problem. It assembled quite easily with every nut and bolt in place. But of course nothing is perfect. The special lawn mower oil to be added before starting was supposed to be provided. Was it? Nope. It was no where to be found. As always, no purchase is official until you make two trips to the store. So back I went to Lowe’s with my receipt and directions with read “Oil provided” to stake my claim. I was directed back to Seasonals and told Joanie my dilemma. She thought about ripping open a box of the same lawn mower to get me my oil but then she would only be perpetuating the problem. Instead she went down the aisle and got me a big container of oil and sent me on my way. “Just tell them at the door that Joanie said it was OK” she called out. I was almost hoping I would be stopped at the door, just to make the story better, but no one bothered me and I was gone. The lawn mower purchase took the normal two trips, but since Lowe’s is right around the corner and I had lots of vacation time ahead of me, it didn’t bother me quite so much.

With the mower sated with fluids, it started up like a charm and away I went. After one quick lap around the yard I gave a check on the bag just to see how much of it was filled with the clippings. Yikes! It was already full! I’ll be dumping the clippings all day! This was going to be more trouble than it’s worth. I decided to not cut so low which would allow me more mowing with less clippings. This worked a little better, but I still had to stop about 6 times to empty the bag.

And this brought me a new concern. When I got a new car years ago, I bought a book about how to care for your automobile. The book warned that the greatest wear and tear on your car comes from the simple starting of the engine, especially when cold. Less starting, less wear and tear. With my new lawn mower equipped with the grass clipping bag, I stopped and started the mower a half-year’s worth in one cutting just to empty the bag! What will this do to the life of my mower? It’ll be dead in a few years! Oy vey. Problems. Always problems.

So have you been enjoying the Summer Olympic Games in Athens? After a week into it, the Games have finally started for me. The Summer Olympics begins and ends with the Track and Field events. Every thing else just doesn’t do it for me.

For the first week, 90% of the coverage is swimming and gymnastics. Neither really gets my blood going. Swimming may interest me if they had an under water swimming contest. Gymnastics? I don’t like sports where you have do depend on a judge to decide the winner. Give me an event that depends on distance, speed, or height and I’ll be watching. Then why don’t I like swimming? Because I’m not a good swimmer. But I can hold my breath under water a long time.

Now I don’t want to be an “I told you so” kind of guy, but I could have told you weeks ago that the mens basketball team should have a trio of dynamite outside shooters to break down the zone defense. I know very little about basketball but that much I know. With 12 guys on the squad, you probably have room for 5 specialists; i.e. outside shooters, defenders, rebounders, assist leaders. The U.S. team has too many of the same players on the team.

With that said, I still think the U.S. team will medal and quite possibly win the Gold. And if they don’t get a medal, I think we should send the same team to the Olympics in 2008. Any of the players who said “No, thanks” this year shouldn’t be given the chance to play 4 years from now.

Come this NBA season, we should cheer those who agreed to play in Athens, no matter how they end up doing. Save your boos for those who had better things to do.

And now my take on the judging error in the mens gymnastics all-around competition. Due to the scoring error, USA’s Paul Hamm was awarded the Gold instead of Korean Yang Tae Young. The error was found after the event and many believe Paul Hamm should do the “right thing” and relinquish his Gold to the deserving Young. That sounds simple and obvious but I don’t fully agree. Before Paul was to perform in his final event in the all-around, he was told a score in which he had to beat in order to win the Gold. With that score in mind, Paul Hamm went out and performed his routine. His performance bettered the score presented to him as the score to beat and placed him in first place. You cannot go back now and say, “Oops, the score you had to beat was actually higher than the one we told you.” An athlete’s approach to an event, no matter of the sport, is often determined by the obstacle in front of him. Changing the “goal” after the performance is unfair.

I hate compromises when it comes to naming a winner in sports, i.e. “Hey, I know! Let’s call them both winners!”, but in this case I say “Let’s call them both winners and give them each the Gold.” Yeech, I feel so cheap saying that but in this case I think it’s merited.

And that was our show for Monday August 23, 2004.