To open the show, Dave tells Paul how glad he is to have him back after being away. Dave says these past two days have been so much easier with Paul by his side.. Before the two week break, Paul was with his father who had fallen ill in Canada. Sadly, Paul’s dad passed away. Paul thanks all who helped him through this sad time.

The Olympics is very popular with the television audience but CBS isn’t giving in to the high NBC ratings for the Games. CBS has something of their own they are proud of. We show a clip of what we aired earlier tonight against the mighty Summer Games. We see a shot of either of the following, or perhaps all three:

a woman lying on her back rolling her stomach muscles.
a guy in a football helmet running into a brick wall
a guy boxing a kangaroo.

And since we cannot show footage of the Olympics -- NBC property – we decided to show an Out of Focus Olympic Highlight. Tonight’s installment: The Men’s 3 Meter Springboard Final. Winning the Gold – Beng Po of China. I’m doing this from memory --- it may have been Peng Bo of China. I’m not sure.

Every time we do an Out of Focus Olympic Highlight, it reminds me of a Barbra Streisand movie. Too much soft lighting.

Hey, if they can use the same joke, I can use the same joke.

And now a Message from John Kerry:

From an August 2nd Campaign stop in Michigan: “When I’m President / 98% of American citizens will / carry an M-16.”

Wow! 98%!

And here’s George W. Bush Electrifying the Youth of America. During an August 9th Town Hall meeting in Annandale, Virginia, George Bush delivers an electrifying speech to a receptive crowd. In the background we see a young girl who is more interested in attempting the difficult “patting her head, rubbing her tummy” maneuver. Hey, you never know when the mood will strike.

CBS MAILBAG:

LETTER #1. From Louis Janewsis of Boulder, Colorado:
“What gives you goosebumps?”

Dave takes a moment to think about this. A thought bubble appears over Dave’s right shoulder. We see a ferocious growling tiger. Dave says, “No, not a tiger.” The image changes to a shark. “No, not a shark either.” The image then changes to Courtney Love. “Yeah, that definitely keeps me up at night.”

Thinking the audience did not understand the joke due to their tepid response, Dave explains how Courtney Love gives him goosebumps which is kind of surprising since he doesn’t seem to fear tigers or sharks. Personally, I think the audience understood the joke.

LETTER #2. From Bjorn Skong of Norway:
“Dear Dave, Have you ever considered trying out for the Olympics?”

Dave is an avid watcher of the Olympics and was thrilled when the United States Women’s Beach Volleyball team defeated Brazil to win the Gold Medal. Lucky for us, they were nice enough to stop by and say hello. Dave welcomes the Gold Medal-winning United States Women’s Beach Volleyball team, Kerri Walsh and Misty May.

Two beautiful athletic women in U.S. beach volleyball bikinis enter and walk towards Dave. Dave meets them and gives each a hug . . . . then gives them each a hug again . . . . and since we’re in the middle of “counter-programming week” Dave hugged them a third time. The girls then exit.

A doubtful Paul asks bewildered, “Dave, are you sure that was the women’s beach volleyball team?”

Dave answers confidently, but with a bit of hesitation, “Yes.”

LETTER #3. From John Matrenas of College Park, Maryland:
“Dear Dave, Will Alan ever host the show?”

Dave proudly says that our announcer Alan Kalter already has his own show. Isn’t that right, Alan?

Alan says, “That’s right, Dave. It’s called ‘Alan Kalter’s: You’re Busted!’ He introduces the latest installment.

We see Alan outside a Ranch 1 chicken restaurant: “Hi, I’m Alan Kalter and welcome to ‘Alan Kalter’s: You’re Busted!’ I’ve received numerous complaints that this Ranch 1 restaurant is fleecing its customers. They’ve unfairly marked up the entire selection of chicken sandwiches, but now . . . they’re busted! Follow me.” Alan enters the restaurant. We next find him talking to a burly Ranch 1 counter person.

“These receipts show you’re overcharging customers nearly double the suggested retail price for a chicken sandwich. Well, this charade is over, Mister! You’re Busted!” A proud Alan turns to the camera and says, “That’s all for this week on ‘Alan Kalter’s: You’re Busted!”

LETTER #4. From Trevor Dillon of Enterprise, Ontario, Canada.
“Dear Dave, How do you like to spend your summer holidays?”

Dave loves to travel and speaking of which, has anybody been to New Jersey lately? Dave says he saw a rather strange tourism commercial earlier today.

“New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has come out of the closet, which means New Jersey’s gone . . . . Gay Crazy!”
(cut to show of Gay Pride Parade in NYC)
“There’s never been a better time to come to Jersey and be all gay. Perhaps you and your lover would like to have some gay sex on . . . one of Great Adventure’s 13 roller coasters!
(see roller coaster)
“Or come out and cheer for the wildly gay Giants whose roster is 86% homosexual!”
(see photo of the football Giants)
“And don’t worry if you’re single. New Jersey has plenty of gay hunks just looking for a new gay friend. New Jersey --- be there!”

The All-Arounds consists of the floor exercise, the pommel horse, Rings, Vault, Parallel Bars, and the High Bar. Following a fall in the vault which found Hamm landing on the judge’s table, Paul was far back in 12th place. From this position, his goal was for a Bronze. After his best performance in his life on the Parallel Bars, he was in 4th. He then decided to go for the Gold. He then performed his best ever on the High Bars and put him in first. The Gold was his.

It was later discovered that the South Korean’s degree of difficulty in one of the events was miscalculated and his overall point total was in error and would have been, should have been, higher than Hamm’s. That’s where the problems began. What to do next? As stated in previous Wahoo’s, Hamm gets to keep the Gold and a 2nd Gold medal will not be presented. The decision stands. Paul says that looking at one of the Korean’s routine, the judge’s missed two mistakes that should have resulted in point reduction. This would have made a difference in his final score and Hamm again would have had the higher point total.

And then a few night’s later in the individual High Bar competition, a Russian competitor received a score that the crowd thought was too low. They booed the judges scores. Then booed some more. And then continued to boo. Of course, Paul Hamm was the next to perform on the High Bar. He couldn’t perform with all that distraction. Having never been in a situation like that before, Paul had no idea how this would effect his performance. The Russian attempted to quiet the crowd but it continued for 10 minutes. Paul went ahead with his performance and again performed better than he ever had before. It boosted him to the Silver medal.

Dave says he knows what it’s like to be booed. Sometimes the booing starts on Monday and when he returns on Tuesday, they are still booing. And like the true champion that he is, Dave still performs at a Gold Medal level.

Congratulations to Paul on your deserved Gold and 2 Silvers.

JOSH HARTNETT: He recently bought an old farmhouse he’s in the process of fixing up. Usually, when today’s man says he’s fixing something up, he means he’s hiring someone to fix something up. But in this case, Josh says he actually doing it himself. It’s a learning process. Somehow whenever he buys paint and paints a room, the color always turns out to be purple. He isn’t sure how this happens. He gets home all excited and after a few slaps of paint on the wall he realizes, “Hey, this is purple. I didn’t order purple.” Dave congratulates him on realizing it’s purple after a few strokes. Dave would paint the entire room before realizing it.

Josh is also trying his hand at plumbing. He’s not very good at it. He thought all that was needed were two pipes and some plumbing “dope”, or sealant, and that would be it. What more does it take to make a connection? Unfortunately in plumbing, when you don’t know what you’re doing it’ll soon become obvious. For rookie plumbers, your most important piece of equipment is a bucket and towels.

Josh Hartnett’s film, Wicker Park, opens September 3rd. It’s a love story thriller. Hmmm, sounds like a movie both guys and gals would like.

TOP TEN: Questions on the Osama bin Laden Driver Application – Osama’s chaffeur was charged before a military tribunal yesterday.

#10. Can you parallel park a camel?
#7. You know you probably won’t be around to redeem your 401 (K), right?
#1. How long have you been driving a New York City cab?

ACT 5: It’s time for the “Late Show Olympic Athlete Name Scramble!”

Can you unscramble the name of this Olympian?

Y E O R Y I A A B A T Z I D O U

Did you get it? The correct answer it . . . (letters scramble then appear in correct order)

YEORYIA ABATZIDOU

Nice going! This has been the “Late Show Olympic Athlete Name Scramble.” Tell your friends.

And that was our show for Wednesday, August 25, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Reviewing the CBS Mailbag today, I noticed that whenever someone writes from Canada, they list their city, province, and the country. When mailing within Canada, do Canadians include “Canada” in the address? Or is it only included when mailing outside the country.

Did you hear Joe Piscopo is considering running for Governor of New Jersey? He says he’s thinking about it. It’s the first funny thing he’s said in years.

One governor leaves because he’s gay.

The guy who wants to take his place ran away with the babysitter.

There are 4 things that I will be following the rest of the baseball season:

For the Yankees to make the playoffs. I’m thinking I’m pretty safe here.
For the San Diego Padres to make the playoffs, my surprise team of the year.
For Yankee pitcher Tanyon Sturtze to come up big in the playoffs.
For Tampa Bay Devil Ray pitcher Scott Kazmir to become the best pitcher in the major leagues. The New York Mets just traded away the 20-year-old pitcher for a guy who is now on the disabled list. Kazmir was one of the best pitchers in all the minor leagues and pitched 5 innings of shutout ball in his major league debut Monday night. It’s fun to listen to the Met fans on the sports talk radio programs. Ooooh, such venom.

Sorry about today’s Wahoo. I think I used up all my good stuff yesterday.