Seconds before the show open, someone comes running into the shack where I watch the show all ticked off. “What’s the matter?” I ask. I’m told the first Audience Show and Tell guy just asked a pre-show question to Dave. DOH! You want to keep the show banter fresh and new, not something that was already addressed before the show. Dave was unaware the guy was to be in Show and Tell.

AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL
These people, dressed as they are, come from all over the United States to make deal . . . here in the marketplace of America . . . . ‘Let’s Make a Deal!’

A&S #1: Mark Morris of New Orleans, Louisiana:
Dave asks the guy some basic questions and then answers them himself as he already knows the answer. What does Mark do for a living? He’s a social worker. He likes to help people. Dave commends Mark on his life’s endeavor because if there’s one thing people need in this world, it is help. Does Mark have something to show or tell? Mark says he’d like to show a commercial he was in years ago with Mr. T. It was for a Title Loans company. He has the clip. We see the commercial, the final scene with Mark holding a baby, an old guy in costume, and Mr. T. Not sure why Mr. T was there.

A&S #2: Susan Beck of Angola, Indiana:
She self-employed and is also an actress. I always ask the same question when someone says they are an actor, “Really! What restaurant do you work at?” A quick check on some acting website reveals that Susan Beck appeared in a TV movie, In the White Man’s Image (1991). How about that. What can Susan do? She can roll her belly muscles. She lifts her shirt and rolls and waves her tummy like an ocean at high tide. Ta da!

A&S #3: David Bednar of Boyertown, Pennsylvania:
“Hey, is that Amish Country?” Whenever anybody is from Pennsylvania, you know that’ll be the first thing Dave asks. What does David Bednar do for a living? He’s a funeral director. Ooooh. Dave has lots of questions about the funeral business which Mr. Bednar is just too happy to answer. Bednar says he isn’t involved in the actual embalming side of the business now, doing it mostly part-time. Dave understands. “Just for the fun of it, I guess.” Bednar laughs. So what does David Bednar have for us? He can put a lit match in his mouth and make himself look like a Jack-O-Lantern. Interesting. David asks for the lights to be dimmed. With near darkness in the studio, David Bednar the part-time funeral director places a lit match in his mouth. Son of a gun if he didn’t look just like a jack-o-lantern. How come none of you ever thought of that? You could have been on the Late Show! I wasn’t expecting much when I saw his show and tell piece on paper. The performance greatly exceeded my expectations. Nice job, David Bednar. Dave the Host says that when he dies, he wants Bednar to take care of all the arrangements.

And that was Audience Show and Tell.

OUT OF FOCUS OLYMPIC HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: We’re not allowed to show clips from the Olympics. That’s NBC property, just like Dave’s Late Night programs. So to get around that legal issue, we decided to show out of focus Olympic highlights. Tonight’s installment: the Synchronized Swimming Duet final. And the gold medal goes to the Russian team of Anastasia Davydova and Anastasis Ermakova.

The Out of Focus Olympic Highlights reminds me of a Barbra Streisand movie.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item: a 3-pound block of Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese. Paul says it’ll sink. Dave believes it’ll float. The girls drop the item into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . . . FLOATS! Dave is right! This makes me so happy because at the Will It Float party after the show Dave is in such a better mood when he gets it right.

TOP TEN: Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun
And to present tonight’s top ten list, ten medal winners from your United States Olympic team. Helping out tonight:

#10. Tara Kirk – Silver medal in the swimming’s 400-meter relay
#9. Lindsey Benko - Gold and Silver medal in the 200 and 100 meter swim relay
#8. Rulon Gardner – Bronze medal in Greco-Roman wrestling
#7. Ali Cox – Silver medal in Women’s 8 Rowing
#6. Patricia Miranda – Bronze medal in women’s freestyle wrestling
#5. Pete Cipollone – Gold medal in Men’s 8 Rowing
#4. Susan Williams – Bronze medal in the triathalon
#3. Maurice Greene – Bronze medal in the 100-meter dash
#2. Sarah McMann – Silver medal in Women’s freestyle wrestling
#1. Gary Hall, Jr. – Gold medal in the 50-meter freestyle and bronze in the 4 by 100 relay

Some of my favorites:

#9. Require Dutch track and field team to wear wooden shoes.
#7. Long jump, followed by high jump, followed by wide jump.
#5. High dive tank full of sharks.

MAUREEN DOWD: Pulitzer Prize winning columnist; and author of the book, Bushworld. Whenever I looked up, I found her saying something interesting. My problem, I didn’t look up enough. I’ll have to rewatch the show.

Being on television, Maureen finds she picks up quite a few more critics than she does in her columns. Her brother says her lipstick is too dark. Her cab driver told her she was too stiff. She’s learned that being on TV requires lots of grooming. That’s right, when it comes to TV it’s more important to look smart than to be smart.

From there, the conversation went from John Kerry, George Bush, Dean and McCain, Al Gore, Bush Sr., and Hillary. I probably missed a lot because Maureen Dowd has that knack of saying some eye-opening things without using an eye-opening tone. If you’re distracted, you’ll miss what she says. I was one of those.

ACT 5: It’s time for “This Date in New York City Weather History.”

On this date in 1982, it was a seasonable 78 degrees. Winds out of the east at 10 mph. There was a 10% chance of rain, but it never did. Ah, memories.

This has been “This Date in New York City Weather History.”

TOM RYAN: Oops. We ran out of time. Tom will be appearing at the Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas September 7th through the 12th. He’ll be back here at the LATE SHOW at the earliest convenience.

And that was our show for Friday August 27, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I can tell there are many many out-of-towners in the city this week. I’m seeing a whole lot of people wearing pastels.

I bought this tea kettle the other day. I wanted one with a whistle that worked. The last one I had in the kitchen had a broken whistle. This caused a near disaster. Boiling up some water for my morning café de noir, I had become sidetracked and I had forgotten about it. The water reached the boiling point but I was not advised of its reaching critical temp. The result was a burnt kettle and an ugly mess. I headed over to the local Boscov’s to get me one of those new nice looking kettles with a whistle. I bought a lovely red tea kettle with a shiny silver metal handle. So why do I write about this? Because by the time my brand new kettle-full of water begins to whistle, the shiny metal handle has become searing hot. There is no protective covering on the handle. It is exposed metal. Yes, it’s pretty but it’s not practical! Three times this week I’ve grabbed for the handle and then had to throw the kettle back on the stove because it was burning my hand. How did this tea kettle ever get past Quality Control? This is why I want Ralph Nader for President. My tea kettle is unsafe at any speed.

I watched some U.S. Women’s Olympic basketball this morning as they defeated the Russians. The pace was much faster than I expected. And when did they start allowing dribbling?

One more thing about this Paul Hamm controversy over the judging error. Hamm and others are now claiming that if you watch the Korean’s performance, the judges should have deducted points for some errors in the routine so his score shouldn’t be as high as it was. He doesn’t deserve the Gold medal. Oh no, please, let’s not go there, like the kids say. Don’t open that can of worms. Judging should be done right then and there, no “instant replay” rule like they have in football. Going to the videotape to dissect each maneuver is OK for armchair, Monday morning, discussion, but it has no place in official judging.

Friday was Mr. Kilborn’s last night at the LATE LATE SHOW. He began March 30, 1999. His final show, Friday August 27, 2004. Almost 5 and a half years. 1,104 shows. I wonder if he was the recipient of the 5 Questions last night? I know a couple I would have liked to ask.

Does the LATE LATE SHOW, LATE NIGHT, THE TONIGHT SHOW, Jimmy Kimmel, Carson Daly, do any of those shows have anything like the LATE SHOW’s Wahoo Gazette? No, of course not. At least I don’t think so. I’ve never checked.

How many bad movies before the cast of Friends schedule a prime-time reunion?

Hey! Looking for something to do this weekend? Check out our cue card guy Bill Smeal’s unsolicited submission “Exercise Number Three” in the Summer issue of Zembla Magazine, the New International Literary Magazine, Issue #5. He goes by the name William Clifford, for reasons known only to him.