KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS - it's America's fastest growing quiz sensation!
Tonight's categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Labor Day Sale at Old Navy
Know Your Russian Tennis Sensation Maria Sharapova
Know Your Republican National Convention Speakers
Know Your Cell Phone Ring Tones (an audio category)

CONTESTANT #1: Shannon of Thunder Bay, Ontario - Hey! Paul's hometown. Paul jumps in and the two talk about the bay named after a whether phenomenon. Shannon now lives in Kichener. Dave hates to break up this installment of "This Is Your Life" but we have a show to put on. Shannon is here with her boyfriend, Scott. Dave leans over and shakes his hand. Scott remains seated. Dave admonishes with sarcasm, "Don't get up." Scott was in a no-win situation here. If he stood to shake Dave's hand, Dave would have shaken his hand and said, "You can sit down now" or "Who said for you to stand?" There would be a laugh no matter what Scott did.
The category Shannon chooses: Know Your Cuts of Meat. Dave crinkles his nose and says, "Are you sure? Take another look." She reconsiders and picks Know Your Current Events. Again, Dave hesitates. Dave "suggests" to Shannon, "Let's try this one."
Shannon agrees and selects Know Your Cell Phone Ring Tone. Paul and the band did a sensational job with the opening theme to Know Your Cell Phone Ring Tone, adding "an audio category" as a tag at the end. Comedy rehearsal on a usual day is from 2:00-4:00 PM. At 4:00, I and others run back to their office to make the necessary changes to the recent script adjustments. The band rehearses from 4:00-5:00. I hear the opening themes to the comedy bits for the first time during the actual taping of the show. The addition of "an audio category" really made me laugh.
QUESTION #1: "What is this cell phone ring tone?" Shannon listens and guesses, "Frolic." Nice job, Shannon! It was indeed "Frolic."

Dave asks Shannon if she has a special tone on her phone. She says she has a special tone on her phone so she knows it's Scott when he calls. And what is that ring tone on her phone when Scott calls? A tune from "The Sound of Music." Dave looks over to Scott and says how cute that is that Shannon's phone plays "The Sound of Music" when he calls. Dave says this in a teasing sort of way. Scott is mortified, angry, embarrassed. He slinks down in his seat. I have a feeling Scott was doing a bit of the acting here, and if he was he did a splendid job. Most would have OVER acted in this situation and made it too jokey. His subtle yet obvious anger was played perfectly, leaving one to wonder if he was serious or not. Nice job, Scott. Well done.

QUESTION #2: "What is this cell phone ring tone?" Answer: Trip Hop. Shannon, two for two!

CONTESTANT #2: Chris Johnson of Omaha, Nebraska. Dave asks, "Is the Mutual of Omaha actually in Omaha?" Yes, it is. The population of Omaha? 400,000, with about 1,000,000 if you include the surrounding area.
Is Omaha the capital of Nebraska? No, it's Lincoln.
I think Dave was trying to lead him down a path which would make a nervous person mistakenly agree that Omaha was the capital of Nebraska. Chris, a cool dude, wasn't intimidated and thought clearly enough to correctly say Lincoln.
Chris is here in New York for the U.S. Open. In honor of the tennis event, Chris selects Know Your Russian Tennis Sensation Maria Sharapova.
QUESTION #1: (photo of the lovely Maria Sharapova) "What is Maria's current ranking?" Answer: "Who cares!"
QUESTION #2: (photo of the pretty Maria Sharapova) "How did Maria do in the 2004 French Open?" Answer: "Who cares!"

CONTESTANT #3: Glory, Gloria, or Laurie of Clovis, California: Yowza. She's purty! And she's a cosmetologist and works in a day spa. I really didn't hear much of what was said because I was busy looking at Glory, Gloria, or Laurie. What category does she want to play? Know Your Cuts of Meat.
Dave names 4 out of the 5 meat categories but forgets the 5th. He asks Paul for help. Paul, with gusto, says "Variety meat."
QUESTION #1. "What is this cut of meat?" Answer: Veal Cutlets.
QUESTION #2: "What is this cut of meat?" Answer: Smoked Ham Rump Portion

And that was Know Your Current Events.

And now a peek behind the scenes: Each night that we do Know Your Current Events, I give Paul a blue card with a list of the variety of meats. From top to bottom, the blue card reads "Beef, Veal, Lamb, Pork, Variety." Every time we do Cuts of Meat, Dave "forgets" the variety meat. He asks Paul for help. Of course, Paul is proud to help with, "Variety Meats, David!" So why do I still give Paul the blue card when it is obvious what Dave will ask? Because one of these days Dave will "forget" a different meat other than "Variety." When will he do this? No one knows, not even him. He probably never even considered "forgetting" a meat other than "variety." But I'm anticipating such a thing. And when that happens, hopefully Paul will be able to look at the card quick enough to come up with the "forgotten" meat. So why can't Paul just memorize the 5 meats? Because he has enough to do and when something like that is thrown at you suddenly, you may be thrown off. The blue card is a nice safety net. All that said, Paul would probably be up to the task with or without the blue card of meat.

This card came in handy one day when Paul was out. Warren Zevon was filling in. Before the show, I mentioned to the CBS Orchestra coordinator Chris Schukei that Dave may ask Warren for the 5th meat. Warren should be prepared. I gave Chris the Meat card to give to Warren. During Cuts of Meat, Dave mentioned the 4 meats he regularly does and asked for help from Warren on the forgotten 5th. Chris must have coached Warren very well because Warren delivered the "Variety meats, Dave" perfectly. Dave did not know that Warren was prepared and was delighted at how Warren responded without missing a beat. It would have been interesting, though, to see how Mr. Zevon would have responded if not prepped.

REPUBLICAN DELEGATE OF THE NIGHT: It's more of that guy dancing wildly from the night before. Different clip, same guy. What made this clip even more strange was the delegate was dancing during Cheney's speech!

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight's item: a one-gallon jug of liquid soap. Dave asks Alan, "How many ounces in a gallon?" Says Alan, "This year, 16 ounces in a gallon." Huh? He then tries to explain that there are 16 ounces in a pound. Oh, that Alan. There he goes again mistaking a solid measure with a liquid measure.
Dave says it will sink.
Paul says it will float.
The girls drop the one-gallon liquid soap container into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . FLOATS! Ta da!

Filling in for Kiva tonight, Valerie Jean on bubbles.
Where was Kiva? Only from the Wahoo Gazette: she was at the "Burning Man" in Black Rock, Nevada.

And how many ounces are there in a gallon? 16 ounces in a pint. 32 ounces in a quart. 64 ounces in a half gallon. 128 ounces in a gallon.

JANE PAULEY: She has a brand new daytime talk show, "The Jane Pauley Show." For the first time Jane will be working in front of a LIVE audience. Different from Dave's show, she can SEE her audience. Dave is familiar with the likes of his crowd and assures that our audience will remain in the dark.
Jane says she needs work on her entrance at her show. With her theme song blaring and the audience standing in ovation, it tends to make her want to run out and dance. With her high-heeled shoes, this makes it difficult. She was also disappointed to learn the standing ovations are prompted by signs flashing to the audience "APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE" along with a hidden cattle prod or two. Dave says he never gets a standing ovation so he can't really help her in that regard. Trying to make things right, Jane Pauley stands and applauds Dave, exhorting the Ed Sullivan crowd to do the same. Sadly, no one in the audience responds. They remain glued to their seats. Dammit! Where are those cattle prods?!
Dave asks Jane how her buddy Storm Phillips. Jane corrects Dave, "It's Stone Phillips." Jane speaks highly of her former work partner and points out that she is still very close to her two other co-workers Tom Brokaw and Bryant Gumbel. Dave piles on the praise on his good friend Mr. Brokaw. Jane says about Tom, "He's a man's man but realizes he doesn't live in a man's world." Dave is impressed but asks "What does that mean?"

Back from commercial, Dave and Jane discuss her bout with bipolar disorder of highs and lows. It was covered extensively Wednesday night on 48 Hours/Dateline/60 Minutes 2/A Current Affair --- one of those, I'm not sure which. Jane was being treated for hives. She was given steroids, a "mood-loosener." This led to depression. She then took anti-depressants. All this led to what was diagnosed at hypomania. Dave is curious how this manifests itself, fearing he too may suffer from bipolar/hypomania.
Jane describes a scene from a party she attended. "I found myself being a bit too charming." A relieved Dave leans back and says, "Oh no no no no . . . . I don't have that problem. I've never suffered from that."
Her dealing with bipolar is covered in her new book, "Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue." Dave holds up the book and says "there are a few chapters of where we first met." I "Played the Jane" and said, "I think that's what brought on my depression." Darn it. Jane didn't say it. I lost at "Played the Jane."

ACT 5: Paul and the band perform "Try A Little Tenderness" made famous by Otis Redding, 1966. Many others performed the song but it was Otis' rendition that made it was it is today. I'm not sure how much you saw last night but during the performance Paul ventured into the audience as did the horn players Bruce Kapler, Al Chez, and Tom "Bones" Malone. A nice job done by all and I enjoyed the choreography. It's not easy when blowing into a horn.

GREG GIRALDO: If you bet the bump, you won! For the third time in recent weeks, Greg was booked on the Late Show but was unable to perform because we ran out of time. He came out for a quick hello and goodbye in the ACT 6. Greg can be seen this weekend at the Laff Stop in Houston, Texas. I'm thinking of taking a flight just to hear the act.

And that was our show for Friday, September 3, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

They're gone! They're gone! The Republican delegates are gone! I'm hoping Mayor Bloomberg kisses the fanny of every New Yorker who was grossly inconvenienced by this circus. Money lost, time wasted, traffic snarled, taxpayers abused.
This is what I know about New York City Mayor Bloomberg:
- banned cigarettes from bars and restaurants - with the rents and taxes paid by business owners, plus it's THEIR business, they should decide whether smoking should be allowed in their establishment. If there is a demand for a non-smoking barroom, somebody will create it to fill the vacuum. By the way, I don't smoke and I hate cigarettes.
- he wants the Olympics here in 2012 - and he's the only one. Not only will the two-week Olympics be more inconvenient than this recent Convention, but the construction to satisfy the needs of such a huge venture will create massive problems for years leading up to the event.
- he wants a football sports stadium on the west side of Manhattan, around 33rd Street and the West Side Highway along the Hudson --- football stadiums belong on the outskirts of the city. Cheaper property cost with room for parking and tailgating for the structure which will be used 8 times a year. Baseball stadiums belong inside the city - for use 6 months a year and 81 dates.

With me, he's 0 for 3 on these issues. A lot of New Yorkers disagree with me on the cigarette issue, but no one disagrees on the Olympics and football stadium. It's a bit frightening that the City could get these two monstrosities simply on the whim of the Mayor . . . with no referendum for those who live here.

I found it interesting Wednesday night when the Lynne Cheney introduced her husband, Vice President Dick Cheney, to the convention. She pronounced their last name the correct way, "Cheeny." I read some time back that everyone mispronounces their last name (Chaney) and they've decided to just let it go. So if you want to start an argument, then win it, refer to the VP as Cheeny.

The Presidential campaign is beginning to get a bit dirty with the name-calling between the parties. It sounds childish at time. Any day now I expect Cheney to kneel behind Kerry and Zell Miller pushing him over.

I was listening to the Yankee game the other night and the radio announcers were saying how the team needs to concentrate on the game at hand and not watch the scoreboard to see how the charging Boston Red Sox are doing. An inning later the announcers are giving play-by-play of the Red Sox/Angel game. The Angels, down 5-0, just score 3 runs and had two men on base. While the Yankee game was being played, the announcers were giving a pitch-by-pitch report of the Red Sox.

WAHOO ALERT! MIKE IS ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING OF WHICH HE HAS LITTLE KNOWLEDGE! WAHOO ALERT!

Back in 1992, a hurricane hit Florida a few months before the Bush, Sr./Clinton election, similar to what is going on down there now. From what I remember, Bush was criticized for not declaring the area a disaster area and for not sending in help till days had passed. Why the delay, many wondered? This slow reaction hurt him when November rolled around, winning the state by a much smaller margin than expected. Again, I'm going by sketchy memory but I believe for an area to be declared a disaster area it has to first be requested from the Governor before it is granted by the President. The Governor of Florida at the time in 1992 was a Democrat (Chiles?) and some cynics believe he hesitated in his request to make Bush, Sr. look bad to the citizens of the state. This time around, Governor Jeb will make sure brother George looks good as possible in the Government response to the onslaught of hurricanes.

This concludes the WAHOO ALERT!

So how did I do? Did I get it right?

Good luck to the Tappan Zee High School (New York) football team - season opener Saturday at 1:30. I'll be there with my pom-poms.

And good luck to our friends in Florida this weekend. I'll be thinking of you and praying all goes well.