Did you watch the Emmy Awards last night? Leave it to Dave to spot something odd that slipped by the rest of us. Luckily, Dave had his VCR running at the time because he brought the clip in this morning and showed it to us. We all laughed, admitting that we missed it when it first aired live the night before.

The Emmy announcer introduces the next two presenters this way:

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from the soon to be canceled NBC show about airports, ‘LAX’, Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood.”

CBS News has come under fire for using phony documents in a report about the President’s military record, and they are now doing everything they can to restore their credibility. Have you seen their new promo?

“Tonight on the CBS Evening News, we report nine real stories and one fake one. Can you guess which is which? You may be surprised. Only on the CBS Evening News.

Dave is puzzled by Senator Kerry’s novel approach to this election. Dave promises his first question to the Senator will be about this.

GEORGE W. BUSH SHOW-OFF: We see the President talking in front of an audience. He begins to tell a side story: “So I’m having Kobe beef one night with Prime Minister Koizumi. . .”

HAROLD LARKIN POLLSTER: Harold is our head carpenter here at the LATE SHOW for 9 years or so. Dave is very happy with his work, as things around the place look tidy and neat with only a few nails sticking out. Last week we decided to send Harold out on the streets of New York City and conduct a poll of what the people think about the new Fall television season. Some scenes included asking a gentleman if he gets channel 2 on his cable. He answered in the affirmative. Harold then asked if he got channel 3? “Don’t think so.” Then 4. “Yes.” 5? “Yes.” 6? “Not sure.” This continued to 27. “Yes.” And on and on to 91.

Harold and a fellow played a scene from one of the many CSI shows, or was it Law & Order? Maybe it was NYPD Blue. Anyway, we soon see Harold and the person lying dead on the sidewalk.

Harold and a woman reenact a scene from CSI: New York. It went something like this.

HAROLD: It looks like this person was murdered with a blunt instrument to the head.
SHE: Yeah, it sure looks like it.

HAROLD: It looks like this person was murdered with a blunt instrument to the head.
SHE: Yeah, it sure looks like it. Man it’s hot.

SENATOR JOHN KERRY: The Senator makes a funny about Bush and the earlier joke about Koziumo; “Now I know what I’m up against.

How are the debates shaping up? Dave wants some clarification, “You wanted to stand and Bush wanted to sit, is that it?” Kerry says he didn’t care either way. He did want Edwards to stand and Cheney to sit, though. Dave wonders, “And they compromised by their both agreeing to squat?” Kerry follows with, “It’s been decided that Bush will sit on Cheney’s lap.”

What about the recent changes in the Kerry campaign team? The Senator says as the campaign runs towards the election, it becomes a multi-million dollar corporation, constantly expanding and growing. No one was fired, he assures, only more added to the team.

How is he doing in the polls? Kerry says he doesn’t really look at the polls. Dave asks if anyone in his campaign looks at the polls? Kerry laughs and says “yes, but I don’t listen to them.” Some polls say Kerry was 6-8% points behind Bush following the Republican Convention. Kerry says it all depends on what poll you’re looking at. Some have them dead even. Dave asks as what point does panic begin to set in, “when you’re 5% behind?” Kerry answers quickly, “No.” Dave follows, “When? Double digits?” Kerry says when you fall behind by 10% or more you know that’s a lot to make up and time for concern. Kerry feels very confident come November that he will be on top, reminding that he has always been a great finisher in an election. He loves this time of the race when all is winding down. He feels he is at his best at this time and the public will respond.

John Kerry
Top Ten Bush Tax Proposals:
#10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. Presidents.
#9. W-2 form is now Dubya-2 forms.
#8. Under simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.
#7. Reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.
#6. Attorney General Ashcroft gets to write off U.S. Constitution
#5. Texas Rangers can take business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.
#4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa to cover the whole damn thing
#3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent
#2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it “nuclear” instead of “nucular.”
#1. Bush gets deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

(There was more from Kerry but I was called away to tend to a pressing matter. I went home to watch the show last night but I fell asleep during the replay of the Rather apology on the local 11:00 news.)

From what I saw I thought Kerry did a good job in the seat. He referred back a couple times to what happened earlier in the show and kept the conversation moving. His attempts at humor were pretty good without being so obviously scripted like so many politicos often appear.

Kerry is probably hoping he’s not a guest on the show again for at least another 8 and a half years.

ACT 5: It’s time for the Late Show Monkey of the Night.

Congratulations to Pepe. Pepe beat out several other monkeys to win the title of Late Show Monkey of the Night. The judges were especially impressed by what a nice monkey Pepe is. Thanks to all the other monkey that entered.
This has been the Late Show Monkey of the Night. Thanks for playing and drive safely.

GREEN DAY: From their brand-new CD American Idiot, Green Day performed “American Idiot.” Good rocking song! The most I enjoyed a rocker on the show in some time.

And that was our show for Monday September 20, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

EMMY RECAP: 5 nominations. 0 wins. 0 for 5. Now I know how it feels to be a Met.

I didn’t go this year. I stayed home. I planned on going but a few weeks ago my girls and I went to the American Girl Doll store on 5th Avenue. After an American Girl Doll show, lunch, and multiple outfits, I had no money left over for the trip to L.A. I find I spend more money on Kit and Molly than I do on myself. I maybe could have swung the Emmy trip but on the way home from the American Girl Doll store we stopped for Carvel ice cream and with a small cone going for $2.75, it just wiped me out.

Plus, I don’t usually go to the Emmys anymore because it lost something a while back. When I first went, the event was held at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. I would drive up to the front of the Auditorium, a valet parking guy would take the car, and then I would walk up the red carpet just like the big stars. The walk up the red carpet was straight and wide with hundreds of fans on both sides and if I really pretended, I could make myself believe I was a bit player on some UPN sitcom. Now it’s held at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles and it feels like they’re sneaking you in through a back door. The actual TV stars go one way; those in the rented Ford Taurus’s are led another way. No long red carpet, no mental make-pretending. There is no long walk up the red carpet anymore. The walk up the red carpet was the highlight of the weekend.

I watched the Emmy’s with Denise and a friend and we said what was probably repeated in most homes throughout the country when presented with the nominees: “Never saw it.” Show after show after show, nominee after nominee after nominee, it was the same thing; “Who is that? What show? Never saw it.”

We watched the pre-show, clicking back and forth from ABC to E! and back to ABC. I was more interested in looking for LATE SHOW staffers in the background. I never thought I would say this but I missed Joan Rivers. The fact that William Shatner (Captain Kirk) was able to stop and talk while wearing a suit without a tie, and no mention of it from Starr Jones, or was it that other woman from on ABC (“Who is that? What show?”), was all I needed to see. It was a “kiss up” of ridiculous proportions. Maybe I missed it when I was clicking but did anyone mention Shatner’s tie-less performance?

Watching the Emmys, you could tell that months of preparation went in to putting it together. Some of the jokes were from February.

I was rooting for Salami for Outstanding Director in a Drama Series.

Earlier in the week I went on an AOL sight previewing the Emmy Awards. Every 5 seconds, an obnoxious pop-up ad for the new Buick Lacrosse automobile came floating across. I got rid of it once. I got rid of it twice. I got rid of it 3 times. I got rid of it 4. After the 5th time I made a note to never ever buy a Buick automobile. Is that what advertising is supposed to do? Make you hate the product? Whose idea was it to have the pop-up ad inconvenience the computer user? This is supposed to endear the potential customer to the product? Sure, the company wants to remember the product. That’s their goal. And they succeeded. I will remember never to buy a Buick Lacrosse.

And if the pop-up ad on the computer wasn’t annoying enough, their terrible TV commercial during the Emmys with the hacked-up Beatle cover of “Paperback Writer” only made it more so.

Buick isn’t an advertiser of ours, is it?

Damn that Linda Stasi, New York Post TV Critic. She took two of my Emmy observations and put them in her column before I had the chance to put it in mine.

LINDA: “The Oscar winning an Emmy was kind of like being taxed on your state tax refund. Both should be exempt.”

LINDA: “Dye jobs to die from: Martin Sheen as The Donald, Garry Shandling as Tony Shalhoub.”

Here’s something to make Award shows better, and that means all of them; Emmys, Oscars, Tonys, Grammies, Country Music Awards, etc. The Emmy Show should include an award for “Best Performance in Accepting of an Award.” The best acceptance speech and/or spectacle in any Award show would win an Emmy for that year. It would give an incentive for the “artists” to become more creative in their speech. Oh, why oh why do I give out such great advice for free? I should retire and become a consultant! Ooops, sorry. That’s redundant. “Retire” and “consultant.”

And this year’s winner for Outstanding Performance in Accepting of an Award goes to Elaine Strich. She was wonderful last night. I first became familiar with Ms. Strich in her performance on our show back in 1995 or ’96. She came out with a glass of brandy in her hand, interrupting Dave and the show. She stood just off the guest entrance and with an inebriated slur, berated Dave for his incompetence and worthlessness. She did this a number of times throughout the night. I remember thinking, “Who is this dame? She’s great!”

So what did I learn from the Emmys? I learned that the stadium the Cincinnati Bengals play in is named “Paul Brown Stadium.” (I turned off the Emmys after a while and watched the football game.) I was happy to see the stadium named after legendary football coach and owner Paul Brown. I thought, “What, no corporate sponsor?” Pittsburgh made $57 million for naming their stadium Heinz. I’m sure Cincinnati could sell out and make some pocket change by naming it “Gulden’s Stadium” or something like that. I wonder how long it will be before it is no longer “Paul Brown Stadium.”

Does anybody know what I mean when I say, “Can I have the blimp ride instead?” It’s one of those lines I throw out every now and then purely for my own enjoyment. I don’t expect anyone to get it. Do you? Do you get the reference of “Can I have the blimp ride instead?” Where have you heard that before?