We’re playing a new game tonight, something we call “Would You Like To Pretend to Win a Car From Dave?” We send a camera over to Rupert’s to open the game but before entering, Dave reads the phone number of the Hello Deli off the Hello Deli canopy.
All day Monday it’ll be:
Phone rings.
“Hello, Rupert Jee? Is your refrigerator running? It is! Well, you better go catch it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Hang up.

We go inside and Dave says hello to Rupert. We can hear some chanting from outside. What are they chanting? Rupert says, “They’re chanting my name.” Dave suggests, “Well reach under the counter and get your gun.”

Dave explains the game we’re about to play, inspired by the giveaway of over 270 new cars by Oprah. Dave asks Rupert if he has anything to give away. Rupert scans his store and stops at a popular candy. Rupert says, “Uhhhh. . . . . Skittles?”
Very funny.

Dave sends Rupert outside to find someone to play “Would You Like To Pretend To Win a Car From Dave?” Meanwhile, we’ll continue with the show.

Have you seen the new NBC show LAX starring Heather Locklear? Dave wonders if it’s a good idea for a show, based on the premiere episode he recently viewed. Dave shows a clip. It’s nothing but an empty baggage carousel going around and around and around. I see Dave’s point. It looks like a yawner.

And the CBS News division has been working overtime to prevent their problems from turning away viewers. Have you seen their new promo?

(CBS News graphic) “Coming up tonight on the CBS Evening News, another 30 minutes of total horse-‘djoy’. That’s tonight, only on the CBS Evening News.”

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: From a September 8th campaign stop: “And I’m not kidding you / I’m / a / catastrophic, bad choice.”

GEORGE W. BUSH DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN: From an August 5th campaign stop in Columbus, Ohio – The President is giving a talk in front of an audience. Half-heartedly and disinterested, he says to a woman, “Linda, thanks for coming. What’s your job description?”

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PRETEND TO WIN A CAR FROM DAVE?
Rupert has a contestant. She’s Sarah Early of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. She’s here for a nose and throat conference. She’s in the medical field, spending her time looking for polyps and such in noses and throats. Dave opines that looking for polyps is probably like going mushroom hunting.

Dave gives a quick explanation of the game. Rupert will give her keys to a brand new car she pretends to have won, she will run outside to the car, and Sarah will have 15 seconds to pretend to be excited.

“And Alan, what kind of car are we pretending to give away?”
ALAN: “Dave, it’s a 2004 Oldsmobile Alero! Praised by ‘Road & Track’ magazine for its ‘delightfully well-balanced nimble character, the Alero comes with a 3.4-liter, V-6 engine, automatic transmission, air-conditioning, and four wheel antilock brakes with traction control. Manufacturer’s suggested retail price: $20,435. Dave?”

Dave goes off the script and says, “And Alan, what is the gas mileage of the Alero?”

ALAN: “At least 16 miles a gallon!”
Nice job, Alan

Dave says the way Oprah could afford to give away all those cars is because she owns Tune-Up Masters and when these new cars eventually need servicing, they’ll have to go to Tune-Up Masters. That’s where Oprah screws you.

OK, it’s time to play the game. Put up the clock. Dave exclaims, “Rupert, give Sarah the keys, start the clock, and run outside! You just won a brand new Pontiac!” Sarah runs outside, quickly followed by Rupert. After 15 seconds of tepid excitement, Dave instructs Sarah to give the keys back to Rupert. We were only pretending, remember? But there are no losers on “Would You Like To Pretend to Win a Car From Dave?” In comes a wonderful Hello Deli deli platter, adorned with freshly cut cukes.

A satisfied Dave sighs and says, “I just love to pretend to make people happy.”

Back from commercial, Dave exclaims, “Tune-Up Masters – that’s where Oprah screws you.” Dave really enjoys saying that.

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item? A 10 and a half pound Virginia Ham. Dave is a bit nervous tonight as he has lost two times in a row. Paul says it will sink. Dave says it will float. The girls drop the 10 and a half pound Virginia Ham into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . . SINKS! Dave is wrong again. “I guess I lost my touch” is all he can say. Backstage I kick a table leg in anger. Dave losing at Will It Float always makes for a dismal Will It Float party after the show. A real downer.

TOP TEN: Things I Hope To Accomplish as Miss America – Last week in Atlantic City, Miss Alabama Deidre Downs was crowned Miss America 2005. And she’s here tonight to present tonight’s Top Ten list.
#9. Blow scholarship money on beer and fireworks.
#8. Always been my dream to be invited to a mall opening in Syosset.
#4. Actually, I plan to spend the year on my couch eating Pringles and watching NASCAR. (Dave says, “It’s like I have a twin!”)

JULIANNE MOORE: Julianne recently made a movie in Toronto, Canada and immediately realized some difference between there and here. Canada has a sort of rivalry with the States. For instance, you can’t talk about “America.” You should say “North America, because otherwise you’re being exclusionary. And no matter the topic of conversation, it always comes back to hockey. Hockey is everything to our northern friends. It is why I usually root for Canadian teams in the Stanley Cup, unless they’re playing the Islanders or Devils. I would rather see the Maple Leafs win the Cup than the Blue Jackets. Wine? Yes. Julianne likes her wine. Her two-year-old daughter tends to point out and verbalize mommy’s penchant for the grape. Julianne thinks she may have to cut back . . . . or at least start hiding it.
Julianne Moore stars in The Forgotten. It opened today.

TOM DREESEN: Talking about kids, Tom says Dave is lucky that little Harold is still too young to drive. Tom’s daughter just learned to drive. He tells a story of being in Chicago recently with his daughter, ‘we were staying at the Ambassador East,” and Tom’s daughter came back to the hotel with some bad news. “The car won’t start,” she says. “There is water in the carburetor.” Tom rolls his eyes at the diagnosis, telling her she wouldn’t know the difference between water in the carburetor and water in the radiator. Still, she insists there is water in the carburetor. After a bit of the back and forth between Tom and his daughter, Tom asks, “OK, how do you know there is water in the carburetor?” She answers, “Because the car is in the lake.” (Buh-dum bum.)

It was an amusing story but what I liked best about it was that little throw away line, “we were staying at the Ambassador East.” It had nothing to do with the story, but Dreesen mentions it, making us aware of specifics, to lead us into believing the story he is telling is true. He’s disguising the joke as reality right up until the punchline. I expressed my theory to those in the shack. Most nodded at my keen insight. One just smirked and shook his head, disappointed in my naivety. The look made me realize why Tom had included the line, “we were staying at the Ambassador East.” The free plug will benefit Tom the next time he stays at the Ambassador East. Gosh, that Tom is a pro.

Want to better your life? Tom was once told to picture yourself at your own funeral. What would you want those attending to say over your body? Tom asks rhetorically, “Wouldn’t you want them to say, ‘He was a good father,’ or ‘he was a good provider,’ or ‘he was a really nice guy.’” Tom disagrees. Says Tom, “I would want them to say, “Look! He’s moving!”

Tom says Italians are the best tippers, but when they tip they tell you how to spend it. For instance, an Italian will slip you $5 and say, “Here you go, and buy your mother a new hat.” Dave laughs at the idea of a new hat going for $5.

This week, Tom’s been entertaining and welcoming the returning troops at Camp Lejeune. And in October he’ll be guest hosting the LATE LATE SHOW. He hosted our LATE SHOW when Dave was out with the shingles, March 18, 2003.

ACT 5:
Alan: It’s time for LATE SHOW Dinner Review with George Clarke.
George: “Tonight I got Thai food. Usually I get the Pad Thai, but I felt like trying something different. So I went with the Panang Curry. It was pretty good. A bit spicy, though.
Alan: Thanks, George. Sounds delicious. This has been LATE SHOW Dinner Review with George Clarke. Tell your friends.

And that was our show for Friday September 24, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

The other day I wondered how much somebody would have to spend in order to give away a totally free car. This would include the price of the car, followed by the paying the tax on that car, and then paying a tax on the money given to pay the tax, and then a tax on that, and so on and so on and so on. Oprah’s $22,000 free car give away is costing the recipients around $7,000. I put this question out to you because I was too tired to do the figuring, plus I didn’t have a smart kid sitting next to me for me to cheat off. So how much would Oprah have to spend?

From Robert Podfigurny of Auburn, New York:

”Like you, I thought that Oprah should give the car winners an amount of money that would take care of the total taxes on the car and cash when I first heard this a few days ago, but didn't try to solve for the amount until I read your article. I'm always up for a good mental challenge. So here's the formula, work and answer to the Oprah Tax:

x(7000/22000) + 22000 = x
x(.3181818) - x = -22000
x(-.6818182) = -22000
x = 32266.66581

Where x is the total gift amount. This means that Oprah should give each audience member the $22000 car plus $10,266.67 in cash to take care of all taxes.”

From Jeff Walton of Salt Lake City, Utah:

“Assuming the tax rate is constant - you tax the $7,000 the same as the $22,000 and on and on - I come up with $32,266.66”

“Oprah would have to give the people who got the car another $10,266 and 66 cents (7000+2227+708+225+71+22+7+2...).
Then she would have given them a total value of $32,266 (22000+10,266) and they would have to pay $10,266 in taxes.

Assuming the tax rate is 7/22 (or about 32%):
Say x is the amount of extra money Oprah needs to give away.
Then that has to be equal to the tax on (x + 22000).
So x = 7/22 * (x + 22000)
Solve that for x and you get 15x/22 = 7000, or x = 154000/15, which is about $10266.67.
The total value is $32266.67, and the tax is $10266.67.
So it would've cost just another $2.8 million for 276 people--what's her problem?”

And my laugh of the day came from John Hill of Groton, Massachusetts:

”Mike,
You had a Nobel Prize winning economist on the show and you're asking us?”

Billboard in L.A. promoting Dr. Vegas: “One Deals. One Heals.” I have one for them.
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except Herpes and Gonorrhea.”

I like a pub where the bartender ignores me but pays attention to my drink.

I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert recently. I said to the guy next to me, “I hear Southside Johnny might show up.”

Sorry. That joke was purely for me. I enjoyed it. I like telling jokes to myself.

It’s autumn. When do you think we will show the annual changing of color of Alan Kalter’s hair?