Dave takes a moment to congratulate U-Haul on their 60th Anniversary.   There’s a big cheer from the balcony.   It reminded me of February 9th, 1964 at the Ed Sullivan Theater.   Dave mentions U-Haul based on a pre-show Q&A.

We pay a visit to Rupert at the Hello Deli as we usually do on Tuesday night.     Dave asks Rupert how the T-Shirt business is doing?   Rupert says he’s sold about a dozen today.   How much?   “Only $14” says Rupert, ever the salesman.   How about the free hot chocolate?  Is that working out?   Rupert says he hasn’t given any free hot chocolate out today.   Dave chastises Rupert, admonishing him for ignoring Dave’s keen business acumen.   Rupert fires back, “ahhhh, I forgot.”   Dave sends Rupert outside to get a contestant for tonight’s edition of “Bruce or Paul?”

Meanwhile, Dave takes this time to tell his U-Haul story.   It was his day off years ago and a buddy needed some help moving.  While he and another friend waited for the U-Haul, they sat by the pool drinking beer.   Lucky for Dave and his pal, it took awhile for the U-Haul to arrive.   Once the truck arrived, they loaded the U-Haul with furniture then rode in the back to the destination.   Tossed all about the truck in the pitch dark, Dave and his friend continued to drink in the back of the U-Haul.

There’s a new governor in town.   New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has skipped down and now Richard Codey is in charge.  Governor Codey has already come out with an announcement.

Announcer: “Governor Jim McGreevey is stepping down.   And Senate President Richard Codey will be the acting Governor through January 2006.  Don’t worry, New Jersey.  Richard Codey loves to have sex with women.”
(clips of scantily clad women)
“That’s right, you new Governor is so busy getting his freak on with hot chicks that he won’t have time to govern.   The man is a heterosexual love machine.   Ohhhh, yeaaaaaaah.
-    A Message from acting New Jersey Governor Richard Codey.”

Back to Rupert’s.   Who does he have with him?   It’s Bea, from Boston.   How ‘bout those Red Sox?   Bea is very excited, especially since she now lives in New York City.   What does Bea do for a living?   She says she sells drugs.  “I’m a drug rep.   Pharmaceuticals.”

What is the big seller right now?   “Triaminic.”   - cold medicine, I think.

Dave asks, and we should all have seen this coming, “Do you think that Levitra would be right for me?”   Bea says she can have some in Dave’s hands in minutes.

What are we playing tonight?    It’s something we call, “Bruce or Paul?”   On the monitor we see the back of two bald heads.    One head lowers.  When it rises, the other one goes down.  This repeats itself a number of times.   Suddenly, the shot freezes with the back just one head on the screen.   Who is it?   Bruce or Paul?    A confident Bea says, “It’s Bruce.”   Dave calls for the reveal.   The head turns and it is . . . . . . BRUCE WILLIS!   Bea wins a Hello Deli deli platter and a Cuisinart Grind and Brew Thermal Coffeemaker.   Congratulations, Bea, and congratulations to your Red Sox.  

Back from commercial, Dave says he really enjoyed the Salma Hayek film, After the Sunset.   He says it’s a movie that when you see Salma on the screen, you’ll immediately stand up.  You come to attention.   Of course this got a big response from the audience.   But it’s not what Dave meant.  The audience simply was in that frame of mind.

It’s a new segment here on the LATE SHOW.   It’s entitled, “Alan Kalter Makes Your Product Sound Sexy.”

Alan: (In his sexy voice, the one you dream about)   “Thanks, Dave.  People always ask me, ‘Big Red, what’s your secret to scoring with a different hot chick every single night of the week?’   You want to know how I land the really wild babes?  I clean my dishes with Ajax.”
(holds up bottle)
“Liquid Ajax.  That’s right; Ajax is that slick lubricant that drives women out of their minds.  So when you’re feeling dirty ---- just pour on a little Ajax.”
   (Alan begins to pour the Ajax over his head)
“Oh, yeah.  Oh, yeeeeaaaaaaah.   OH MY GOD!   I got some in my eye!   My eye’s on fire!”
(Alan falls to the ground in excruciating pain.)
New announcer: “If you want Alan Kalter to make your product sound sexy, send a sample to: ‘Alan Kalter Makes Your Product Sound Sexy’, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York, 10019.”

57-Year-Old New Mom Fun Fact:  The woman, Aleta St. James, is the older sister to Curtis Sliwa, the founder of the red-bereted Guardian Angels.

SALMA HAYEK: Ahh, Ms. Hayek.  Yes, she is cute as a button.   Dave says he saw After the Sunset earlier in the day.   Salma asks, “Did you like it?”   Dave exclaims, “Oh yeah, I was standing up!”

Dave says he’s had this desire to travel across Mexico on motorcycle.   He wonders if Salma would like to go with him.   Salma says she doesn’t know how to ride a motorcycle but “I could sit behind you and hug you.”   Dave brightens, “Well, I guess I would be riding the whole trip standing up!”

Salma is currently shooting a film in Mexico with her friend Penelope Cruz.  They had to make it to Los Angeles for a function and the only flight they could find was on a no-first-class Aerocalifornia.   During the flight they ran into some trouble and the oxygen masks came down.   Penelope freaked.   Oddly, their oxygen masks didn’t fill up but the masks of the flight attendants filled up fine.   They made an emergency landing and another plane was sent.  It was the last flight that original plane ever made.

We see a clip of Salma in After the Sunset with Pierce Brosnan.  In the scene, she is made up to look like a vagabond.   It was impossible to recognize her.   In fact, during the shooting of the film she played a trick on her mother.   Salma invited her mom to the shoot.  Salma got into her disguise and when her mom neared the location, Salma jumped out and tried to make off with her mom’s pocketbook.  Mom screamed and held on for dear life.  She put of up a good fight, in dreadful fear the whole time.  A laughing Salma tried then tried to convince her mom it was her but mom wouldn’t believe it until Salma took off the disguise.   Dave nervously laughs and says, “That’s a great story.”   Who knew scaring mom near to death could be so much fun?

SEBASTIEN BOURDAIS (bor-DAY):  He’s no race car driver!   He’s an accountant!   At least he looks more like an accountant than a race car driver.

Quick facts:
The 2004 Champ Car World Series Champion.
He’s 25.
Born in Le Mans, France; Now lives in Miami, Florida.
A member of the Newman/Haas Racing Team
In the 14-race Champ Car season this year, Sebastien won 7 times
He’s the younger brother to Curtis Sliwa, the founder of the Guardian Angels.   (NO NO NO.  I’m just kidding.)
Sebastien won the final Champ Car race of the year (the Mexican Grand Prix) in Mexico City this weekend to clinch the championship.

Sebastien seemed like a nice guy.  Dave was curious about his team’s owner, Mr. Paul Newman.   Sebastian relays that Paul says Dave is a terrible driver.   Dave laughs and says that’s a thing of the past.   Dave is a dad now and is a much better, safer driver.   Come to think of it, I wonder if Dave got a mini-van yet.

Does Paul Newman give advice to Sebastien?    Sebastien says he doesn’t.  “He’s too respectful.  He wouldn’t do that.”   He then adds, “Just like I wouldn’t give him advice on how to act in a movie.”

Has Sebastien seen any Paul Newman movies?  He has but doesn’t know the English titles, only the titles in French.   With some help from Dave, Sebastien says he did see Cool Hand Luke.   I didn’t quite hear how he said it, but from my 7th grade French class, I’m guessing it was something like, “Le Hand de Luke est Froid.”

ACT 5:  Hey!  It’s an empty audience!   Looked like a New Jersey Nets game.

JIMMY EAT WORLD: From their new, highly acclaimed CD, Futures, Jimmy Eat World performed “Pain.”

To finish the show, we see a photo of what it might look like if Dave and Salma do take that motorcycle ride across Mexico.

And that was our show for Tuesday November 9, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m looking on the Drudge Report earlier today and I read the headline, “Madonna Calls for U.S. Troops to Leave Iraq.”   I immediately think of LBJ in 1968 when he said about Viet Nam, “If we’ve lost Walter Cronkite, we’ve lost America.”  

And then a little further down in Drudge, I read “Sex Disease Cases Soar in London.”  Again I thought of Madonna.

Oh, that guy who did the announce at the end of the “Alan Kalter Makes Your Product Sound Sexy” . . . . that was me.   I was down by the Control Room during the bit in the audio booth awaiting my cue.   As I waited I was once again impressed at how hard our director Jerry Foley works on each and every show.  He calls for camera shots, cues the actors, cues the announce, cues the music, etc.   Very busy and is up on everything.  

Hey, do you have a U-Haul story?    Help us celebrate their 60th Anniversary with a story. I would tell my story now but it is too much like the one Dave told.

I never thought I would find the need to use this joke, but this U-Haul moment calls for it.  It’s a joke I first heard at least 35 years ago.   I doubt I ever heard it again.   Why I remember it, I don’t know.   Oh, and it’s a joke that ain’t really funny.

   - “You wear Robert Hall clothes.   Robert throws them out.   You haul (U-Haul) them in.”

Oops.  Come to think of it, that isn’t a U-Haul joke.  It’s a Robert Hall joke.   Robert Hall was a clothing chain here in the New York area 30 years ago.   We had one in Rockland County back in the 60’s-70’s where the new mall now stands, just east of the 59er Diner.

If a man tells a joke and no laughs, is it still a joke?

Two Wahoo corrections – Last week I likened the guy we stuck in a small hole in a Florida voting machine to that of “Larabee, Agent 13,” thinking Larabee and Agent 13 were one and the same.  I am ashamed to have to admit my Get Smart error.   Heaven knows it is one of my all-time favorite programs to grace the small screen.   Of course, Larabee was one agent, Agent 13 was another.   It was Agent 13 who was the sad sack often placed in tiny, uncomfortable locations to carry out his spying activity.   Larabee was the more dim-witted Agent seen mostly in the office of the Chief.   I place my error due to faulty memory, though now that it’s been pointed out to me, it is very obvious and my memory is now quite clear.   I should have taken the moment and made the effort to Google a search.

Wahoo correction #2 – We did one of those George W. Bush Economic Expert things.   We found the President giving a speech in Wisconsin.  He stumbled and fumbled and bumbled and jumbled and mumbled through a part of his speech.   I ventured, “I think this is the speech that won Wisconsin for Bush.”   I have since been informed that Wisconsin was a Kerry state, not a Bush state.   I place this error on my unwillingness to make the effort to check the facts.  I pictured the red and blue state map of the United States and recalled Minnesota being a Kerry and Michigan being a Kerry.  Illinois, too.  I thought that was it for Kerry in that region of the U.S.   Plus, I never thought the Green Bay Packer fans would forgive Senator Kerry for referring to their beloved stadium as “Lambert Field” rather than the correct “Lambeau Field.”    I decided to call Wisconsin a Bush state without checking the facts.

I apologize to all you readers who rely on the Wahoo Gazette for your news and information.   For the rest of you who realize the Wahoo Gazette is nothing more than a quick scribble, created simply to draw you to the website to be exposed to advertisements, I hope you understand.

I received two dissenting votes on the likeness of the Biff Henderson tattoo from Monday’s show.  One reader suggested it looked more like Dick Cheney; another thought Al Roker.