It’s a beautiful day here in New York . . . 65, sunny, puffy clouds . . . Dave says, “Are you like me, when it’s this nice you want to run away. Get in the car and just keep driving.” Yeah, I’ve done that. I find I keep driving until it rains. Then I come home.

This week in New York has been the big network Upfronts where the honchos make their plea to the advertisers to advertise on their programs, especially the new ones which promise to be this year’s Seinfeld and not Baby Bob. It’s a big song and dance, putting the best light possible on their present and future. CBS had theirs today (Wednesday) at Carnegie Hall. NBC, ABC, and FOX had ! theirs earlier in the week at Radio City and other venues. This is when we get the first peek at the new shows coming this fall. We have a few show descriptions that look to be “can’t miss.”

ABC at 8:00: “School Belle” – Sabrina Wells (Reese Witherspoon) is a sweet second grade teacher with a dark secret --- upon hearing school bells, she turns into a werewolf.

Tuesdays on ABC – 9:00: “Well, Well, Well” – Inspired by the success of ABC’s Lost, this drama observes the survival struggles of 12 quarrelsome strangers who fall down a well.

Thursdays at 9:00 on FOX: “The NP” – Intrigue, romance and document-certification abound as Steven Bochco takes us behind closed doors at the office of Chicago’s leading Notary Public.

Mondays at 8:00 on CBS: “Big Foot” – Ex-NFL place kicker Garo Yepremian sees his career revitalized after a surgical screw-up leaves him with a super-strong gorilla’s foot.

“Standing Pat” – Gripping drama chronicling Pat Sajak’s brave struggle to walk again after his legs are crushed by the Wheel.

Sundays at 9:00 on the UPN: “Lame Duck” – A disturbingly inept President (Jamie Farr) tries to salvage his second term by buying a magic duck.

What a season it’s going to be. I may never step out of the house!

The Revenge of the Sith novel came out a few weeks ago. Dave has a copy and decides to read the very last sentence of the book: “. . . and then everyone left the movie theater disappointed.”

TELEMUNDO HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: From the talk show, Laura. In this installment, a woman confronts her lover for having an affair. We see a clip of a poor chap getting beaten by a scorned woman. I’m sure he deserved it.

LARRY KING FUN FACT: From Monday’s Larry King Live with guest, Robert Blake. We see Blake blurt, “The whole world knows that Larry King had sex with an elephant.

ROBERT BLAKE ACCUSATION OF THE NIGHT: From Monday’s Larry King Live – Blake blurts, “You had sex with an elephant!”

Dave has some more new program descriptions:

Wednesdays at 9:00 on FOX: “Last Supper” – He doesn’t get much repeat business, but chef Kip Curran gets to know a new customer every week when he takes a job preparing final meals for death-row inmates.

Fridays at 9:00 on the UPN: “Top Heavy” – Pamela Anderson stars as a well-endowed highway safety inspector who patrols weight stations to make sure trucks are not overloaded.

It’s something new! It’s something we call, “FROM THE DESK OF ALAN KALTER”:
Alan: Here’s what’s on my mind for this week. I’m tired of getting magazines that are filled with these subscription cards. Hey, I already subscribe to your magazine - back off! And what’s with these CDs? I’m sorry I don’t have a degree in engineering, otherwise I’d be able to open this thing. And here’s something, why is it that whenever you go to ‘Hooters’, the waitresses are never as hot as you want them to be. I mean come on, ladies, the place is called ‘Hooters’!

Alan is suddenly interrupted by a big bruiser of a guy.

Bruiser: “Hey, my wife works at ‘Hooters’!”

The bruiser kicks and punches and throws Alan to the ground. The bruiser then exits back stage, gets dressed, and collects his paycheck. Meanwhile, Alan is crumpled to the ground.

Dave asks, “Ever have a headache so bad it feel likes your head wantsa buss open?” Dave enjoys saying that. . . . “feel likes your head wantsa buss open. Simply saying it makes your headache feel this much better.” (Dave hold his forefinger and thumb a half-inch apart.)

TOP TEN: Signs Your Car Has Been Recalled – Toyota is recalling 800,000 of its SUVs and Pickups for a problem in the front suspension which may hamper steering. Dave mimes driving a car and having trouble with the steering wheel. He screams, “The steering is hampered!” I laughed. On the info card to introduce the Top Ten, I typed exactly what was written in an article off the web. I often change a word here or there to make it my own. In this case, I liked the word “hamper” and hoped Dave would too. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I’m glad it worked this time.

Signs Your Car Has Been Recalled
#3. “Bucket seats? Actual buckets.”

I laughed at this one because back in the late 70s, my brother had an old orange Datsun. The front passenger seat somehow became ruined beyond repair, so he took it out. In its place he put a bucket. No one ever really complained. Kids today don’t understand. Back in the 70s, you were lucky if one of your friends had a car. And I don’t mean a good car. I mean any car that could run would to. It was very common to be sitting in the back seat as your buddy drove and be able to see the road between your feet from the hole in the floor. Everybody had a car like that. Many of my friends used old beer cans to shore up a bad muffler. Another used a gardener’s glove to use over a bare wind! shield wiper. Most everyone had a bed sheet covering the back seat so to cover the holes in the upholstery. My friend once sold a car for $25 but wouldn’t finalize the deal till the end of the week because he had a full tank of gas still in it. At least two of the tires were completely bald. Red tape to cover a broken taillight. Need I go on? I’m sure you 40-plussers have stories about some of your old cars. One of the doors tied closed because it wouldn’t stay shut. A cut-out piece of plywood in place of a broken vent window. Paint peeling ! off the hood. The trunk kept close with wire. Priming the carburetor. Muffler tape to fix a hole. Adding a quart of oil every week.

CHRIS ROCK: Chris hosted the Academy Awards last year and admits to being very scared. Why? Because he loved how Dave hosted the Awards, and look what it got Dave. Chris questions the validity to the Academy Award, mentioning that Martin Scorsese has zero Oscars, and Kevin Costner has two! Chris says he had a good time doing the Awards, especially with Jamie Farr winning and having Morgan Freeman there, and . . and . . . I forgot the other . . . . Beyonce?&nb! sp; He says it was like Def Oscar Jam.

How is it turning 40? Chris has come over to the other side, on the other side of the 40 year old mountain. Dave says 40 isn’t so old anymore. Chris says 40 is young only if you die at 40. And Chris and his wife just had another child. Chris isn’t all that happy that his kids are growing up rich. He didn’t grow up rich, why should they? And they have these trust funds and all. When they turn 21, they get all th! is money! Chris says HE should get a check when they turn 21, not them! He believes, “I feed you, send you to school, and when I have a stroke, push me around.” That’s it.

Chris’s wife knows Star Jones and the two went to the wedding. How was that? Chris hated it. There are only a few nice Saturdays in New York and it’s a shame to waste it at a wedding. Weddings should be on rainy Wednesdays. Dave agrees, adding that family and friends should be invited to ! the honeymoon, not the wedding.

You can see Chris in The Longest Yard, opening May 27th. And you can hear him in Madagascar also opening on the 27th.

ACT 5: “Stay tuned to CBS next Wednesday for the season finale of ‘Northern Exposure’. When an old tree considered to be a Cicely historical landmark appears to be dying, Joel dons a tree doctor’s hat and gives his prognosis. Only on CBS! We’ll be right back.”

More new shows:
“Scratch N’ Sniff” – Renegade cops Mike Scratch and Jim Sniff solve crimes the only way they know how --- with a “nose” for evidence and a talent for “rubbing out” bad guys!

“Teen Pope” – Peter Collins tries to balance life as a normal 15 year old with the pressures and responsibilities of being the new leader of the Roman Catholic Church. With Judd Hirsch as Cardinal Goldstein.

“Thrown Out At Home” – After being thrown out of the house by his wife, a major league umpire (Craig T. Nelson) moves in with a gay batboy. It turns out they have plenty to learn from each other.

NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN: Wow! Look how big that is! And the diamond around her neck is huge, too! Dave is mesmerized by the large jeweled necklace and doesn’t know where to start. He blurts, “Well, is it all real?” Big ha ha’s h! ere. Very funny.

Yes, the diamond and necklace are all real, worth $2.5 million. There is a security guy waiting for the piece immediately after the show. As the segment proceeded, Dave admits, “I can’t tell you how distracting this presentation is.” I’m not sure but I think Dave was referring to both the bauble and boobie.

We see a photo of Nicollete with her pet White Golden Retriever, Oliver. With her and the pet is her fiancé. He is shirtless. And if I had abs like that, I would come to work shirtless. Dave sighs, “This makes it difficult for guys like me.” Seeing the photo reminded me of when I looked like that back in . . . . oh, that’s right. . . I forgot . . . I never looked like that. Nicollette is excited, yet afraid, to be here. But why? She says, “I always had a crush on you.” Dave brightens, then grabs for the photo; “I guess that’s bad news for this guy!”

Later during the segment, surprise, surprise! It’s Tony Danza. Tony comes out and plops next to Nicollette. He starts asking Nicollette questions, such as, what’s new, how’s things on Housewives, what can we expect in the final episode. Dave is confused; “Tony, what are you doing?” Tony says, “I’m interviewing Nicollette Sheridan.” “But this is my show, not yours,” Dave explains. Tony senses something is amiss, follows, “Oh, that’s right. Dave, I’m sorry. Nicollette Sheridan’s on my show tomorrow. My mistake.” Tony leaves, telling Nicollette he’ll see her tomorrow.

When Dave has Nicollette alone, he says maybe he’ll do that same thing tomorrow on Tony’s show. He then mumbles, “But there’s not a chance in hell that would ever happen.”

Finishing up, Nicollette takes a brief second to make an ‘adjustment.’ It was sort of a boob move, or a breast clutch. Why? I’m not sure. I was out with Tony cue cards at the time reminding him to add Tony Danza to the Thank Yous for the end of the show. As for Nicollette, why not bring attention to what you got? It was like me in college. I had hair and when I had it, I went with it. Big, wild hair. Why? Because I knew what my father looked like when he was 40. I knew the hair on top my head was only temporary.

For more Nicollette, you can see her on the ABC Desperate Housewives. The season finale is this Sunday night.

And that was our show for Wednesday May 18th. Wahoo EXTRA!

Talk about niche-marketing. The new Star Wars movie has a book out specifically for dyslexics: It’s titled, “Revenge of the Shit.”

(ed.note: Sorry, but I had to print “that” word in order to make the joke work. If offended by it, please do not read it. Thank you.)

SPC Sabrina Harman was sentenced to 6 months in prison for her role in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. Here’s something I find a bit odd. . . her 6 months in prison will be easier than 6 months in the military.

Wednesday’s show was #2368. You know what that means! Show #2500 is coming up! On what date will LATE SHOW #2500 air on CBS? Write in. Let me know. The winner will get a t-shirt, which reminds me, I think I still owe a t-shirt to the winner of the DAVE 4000. . . . or was it LATE SHOW #2000? I forget.

Tune in tomorrow as I give my picks for the Preakness!

The other day I mentioned my surprise to hear an old DEVO song being used to sell product. “Uncontrollable Urge” is being used to see Mitsubishi. I wondered if that is the only DEVO song used in a commercial besides “Whip It.” More DEVO songs used to sell product:

Ed Mehling of Phoenix writes:

“In the May 13 WG you said, ‘Besides ‘Whip It,’ I'm not sure if a Devo tune has ever been used to sell product. ‘Freedom of Choice’ was used on that beer commercial last y! ear that had people falling down like Dominos all through offices, shops, down the street, etc. until it got to a bar and a guy stepped out of the line.”

Several years ago, Target used Devo's ‘Wonderful World’ in one of their everything-is-Target-logo-red ads. I think they conveniently cropped off the chorus tag line ‘it's a wonderful world/for you/but not for ME’. And I think somebody used ‘We're Through Being Cool’ in an ad but I'm not sure about that one.”

I know there’s been some trouble with the posting of some recent Wahoos. They are getting done as always, but it seems the paperboy is throwing it on the roof. I think computer people call it a bug or something in the system. If it’s not up by the next evening, I’ve been posting it in the Letterman newsgroup. To get there, click on the Google. Click in “Groups”, just to the right of Web and Images. After clicking on Groups, click on alt.fan.letterman. It’s in green on my computer. You may find the missing Wahoos there. Meanwhile, I’ll see if it gets into the archives. I’ve been told the missing Wahoos had been up, but then soon disappeared. I’ll try to get David Caruso on the case to see what he can do.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 18, 1971: The Montreal Canadians defeat the Chicago Black Hawks in 7 games to win the Stanley Cup.

The Wahoo Gazette: Still the best kept secret at the LATE SHOW.