It’s ridiculously hot and muggy today; 90+ with a humidity hovering around 60, making it feel like 100. While a Slurpee can cool you on the inside on a day like this, the only thing that can cool you on the outside is by being hosed. We have the hose-cam set up on a street post at the N/W corner of 53rd and B’way. Dave has mischievous fun hosing down the passersby. Dave found it interesting how some pedestrians would try to avoid the spray while others walked by without a flinch. Couldn’t be bothered. Me? If I were walking down the street in New York City and felt a spray, I would be afraid it was someone urinating on me from the second floor.

We head over to Rupert’s to play “Bob Borden’s Bowling Ball Demo!” A couple years ago our writers’ assistant Bob Borden had a bummer of a car and so he ‘donated’ it to the show to have it destroyed by dropping bowling balls on it. Well, Bob’s got the dilemma again and we’re going to drop more bowling balls on his auto. While Bob and Rupert go outside to find a contestant and make their way up to the roof, we have some stuff we need to take care of.

Like more fun with the hose. Dave squirts the hose, off and on, and then in a long steady stream. Dave says, “Remind me to call Dr. Levine.” Paul chimes, “Your urologist.” Watching the squirt, Paul surmises “It looks OK to me . . . single, steady stream.” I think we covered this same topic back when Billy Crystal was on.

Before we go any farther, Dave takes a moment to make sure all our safety measures have been met. Once again, the LATE SHOW bear needs to be put away. Doing the honors tonight: our makeup artist, Michele O’Callaghan. Michele fights with the Grizzly, or perhaps it was a Kodiak, and shoves the vicious monster back behind the steel metal door. All of us breathed a sigh of relief. Come to think of it, I think that’s the first time I saw anybody brave enough to give Michele a hard time. That’s one crazy bear.

Pope Benedict XVI came out with an announcement the other day. It had to do with the new Harry Potter book.

“Pope Benedict XVI believes the Harry Potter novels ‘deeply distort Christianity in the soul.’ That is why he strongly advises against reading such sacrilegious tripe. However, Pope Benedict says everyone should rush right out and buy . . . Robert Klein’s new autobiography, ‘The Amorous Busboy of Decatur Avenue.’ The Pope says, ‘I laughed so hard, my hat fell off.’ Available now at fine store everywhere.”

Hey, the phone is blinking again. Dave picks it up and says Hello. A woman is on the other end.
Woman: “Hi, Larry. This is Rhoda from Abigddon, Virginia. I just wanted to say to Wayne Newton that he looks terrific and I hope his line of designer dog sweaters is a huge success.”
Dave: “You have the wrong number, ma’am.”
Woman: “I don’t like that tone of voice, and I don’t think Mr. Wayne Newton would like it either. Jackass.”

Congratulations to Tiger Woods for his winning his 10th major tournament at the British Open at the St. Andrews golf course in Scotland this weekend. It’s no wonder he won. We take a look at one of his fabulous shots. We see the Tiger drive the ball off the tee and follow it in mid-flight. It sails and sails and sails and sails. And it sails some more. It lands and bounces and bounces and rolls and rolls and then drops in the hole. A 500-yard hole-in-one. Amazing. Plus, Tiger is so good that he barely gets excited over his incredible shot. Just a simple nod and a doff of the cap. We’ll probably not see the likes of Tiger again. Enjoy him while we have him, folks.

Up on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater we find Rupert and Bob with contestant Corinne from Monterey, California. She teaches the 6th grade and has been married for 8 years. Is she ready to play? Yes, she is. But before we start dropping bowling balls, Alan tells us about the car.

“Dave, it’s a 1991 Mazda MX-6! Purchased in 2004 for $850, this vehicle offers a broken air-conditioner, rapidly fading brakes, a hole in the undercarriage, a leaking windshield, an irreparably damaged gas tank and a vague burning smell whenever the car is in motion. Since buying it, Bob Borden has spent an additional $2,112 on repairs. Total expenditure: $2,962! Back to you, Dave.”

It’s time to drop the balls! Corinne drops the first ball and misses the mark. Hoping to pick up the spare, she drops a second. Bam! Right through the rear windshield! Nice shot. Good pick up. More are dropped by Corinne, Bob, and Rupert with one ball making a direct hit on the roof of the car. Splat! And it just sat there on the roof. I enjoyed that.

APE OR ARTIST: Behind the scrim there is a painting which was created by either an ape . . . . or a real live human artist. Paul and Dave will study the work of art and will determine whether it was done by an ape . . . or an artist. Before even looking at the piece, Dave thinks it was done by an ape. We’ve done this 3 times before and each time it was done by an ape. Dave thinks ‘they’ would think he would never think we would do 4 apes in a row, but ‘they’ are trying to trick him. Dave will not allow himself to be tricked so he’s saying ‘ape.’ The scrim is raised and Paul studies the work of art. Paul thinks the painting looks kind of smushy and figures ‘they’ want him to say ‘ape’ because it looks sort of like something that could have been done by an ape. Therefore, Paul is going to say ‘artist.’ Paul’s figuring makes sense to Dave and so Dave changes his ‘ape’ to ‘artist.’ Dave looks over to Alan and asks, “Alan, which is it . . . . ape or artist.”

Alan announces, “Dave, it was painted by . . . an ape! Born on July 4, 1971, Koko is a female western lowland gorilla and the first member of her species to communicate using sign language. This particular piece entitled, ‘Pink Pink Stink Nice Drink’ sells for $350, with the proceeds from her paintings benefiting The Gorilla Foundation and Koko.org.”

And that’s how we play “Ape or Artist.”

Our stage manager Biff Henderson knows how you can tell if the painting was done by an ape or an artist every time. It makes a lot of sense. But I’m not going to tell you.

GREG KINNEAR: He’s in Bad News Bears which opens Friday. Greg had two pretty gruesome but entertaining stories to share. As a kid, he went to summer camp at Camp Tecumseh. Dave, we learn, never went to summer camp. He’s not upset with that, claiming he didn’t want to go. I never went to summer camp, either. And I’m glad I didn’t. As a kid, I always thought summers were for not having to do anything. Anyway, one of the camp kids at Tecumseh was really being a brat and one of the counselors just had enough. He told the kid to get lost and so the kid left, but he continued giving the counselor grief. Hundreds of yards away and the kid is still mouthing off at the counselor. The counselor, in attempt to scare the kid, picks up a bow and arrow, aims it at the kid, and fires it high into the air. Greg says he watched the arrow soar. High it sailed and the kid a mile a way was still mouthing off. Then everything went quiet. The arrow started to descend. One eye on the arrow, one on the kid. Could it happen? Would it happen? Phhhhtttttt. It could. It did. Right through the kid’s arm. Even though the kid was a mile away, Greg could see clearly the arrow through the arm. Before the kid even stopped screaming, Greg’s parents were at the camp and whisked Greg away.

The second story had to do with Greg going on a safari. An important thing to know when on a safari is to never go back to camp alone after dark by yourself. According to the guide, one such safari-goer did just that. A woman forgot her favorite shoes and went back to camp to get them. When she never returned, a search party went out the next day. They found her . . . up a tree, devoured by a leopard. True story. But Dave doubts the story. Greg swears by it. Dave says that he believes Greg was told the story, but doesn’t believe the story to be true. Dave thinks it’s one of those stories told by the guides to wide-eyed tourists for their own entertainment. And to keep the tourists in line and out of trouble. Greg says that may be true. To conclude, Dave says “Whether it’s true or not, it’s hilarious.”

ACT 5: It’s Greg Kinnear on the roof throwing bowling balls at Bob’s car. He tosses and WHAM, right through the front windshield. Nice going, Greg. Coming back from commercial, we get to see the ball falling by a camera from inside the car. It was coming right at you. Good camera work, Agent 13.

JULIE CHEN: she’s the host of Big Brother 6; anchor of the CBS The Early Show; and she’s married to Les Moonves. I couldn’t help but wonder what Les thought of “Bob Borden’s Bowling Ball Demo” and “Ape or Artist.”

Julie was born in Queens, New York, went to USC, and got her first job in broadcasting in Dayton, Ohio. Being a city girl, she was new to the parts of Dayton and unfamiliar to Dayton life. While there she went to her first State Fair.

New York has their State Fair in the Syracuse area every late August/early September. I’ve never gone.

In Dayton, she had to interview a farmer. The farmer mentioned a “backhoe” a number of times and she did not know what he was saying. She had to ask her cameraman, “What did he call me?” All had a good laugh when it was explained.

From the Wikipedia:

“A backhoe, also called a rear actor or back actor, is a piece of excavating equipment consisting of a digging bucket on the end of an articulated arm (also called a stick or dipper). Modern backhoes are powered by hydraulics. They are typically mounted on the back of a tractor or front loader. (Similar attachments for skid loaders are still called backhoes even though they are mounted on the front of the vehicle.)”

How is Julie enjoying The Early Show? She says it’s tough getting up early every morning; around 3:30 AM when in New York, 12:30 AM when in Los Angeles. She can get by with a power nap here and there.

I do the power napping, too. Usually during the morning meeting. Man, some of the producers can really drone. (I’m pretty sure they don’t read this.)

Julie first starting working at The Early Show back in 1989 as an intern. And here she is anchoring today! Dave says he started the same way here, as an intern for the Late Show. I guess there is hope for me yet. Dave knows most of the Early Show crew . . . but what about that crazy weather guy? He’s nuts! Julie laughs and says he (Dave Price) is simply energetic and enthusiastic. Sometimes it’s best to just give him room in the early A.M. when you see him coming . . . or pretend to power nap.

And what about the CBS Big Brother 6? How’s that going? Dave doesn’t know much about the show but is pretty sure it consists of a bunch of psychopaths trying to be the last one kicked out-the-house. Julie says the show likes to refer to them as “house guests.” Dave responds with, “And the idea of the show is to get people to have sex on the show, is that right?” Julie laughs and pretty much admits that wouldn’t hurt. “Big Brother 6” is on three times a week through the summer; Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. If the Yankees aren’t on, maybe I’ll give it a gander.

To conclude, Dave asks, “So how long have you been married to what’s his name?” Julie says she’s been married to Les Moonves since December.

The family went on vacation recently and she says it was fun to see Les go tubing. Tubing is when you sit in a tube and get pulled around by a boat. Dave says he’s seen Les do that in his office. We’re hoping to get Mr. Moonves on our program next week to do some of that “tubing thing.”

And that was our show for Tuesday July 19, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Don’t get me started. My wife was in the city yesterday and had her car towed. Nightmare. Right after the show I went to the tow pound to help the best I could. She would have done better without me. I was really no help. Here’s something I don’t get. They have 8 windows at the pound to wait on people but only 2 people working. I would love to know the last time all 8 windows were manned?

Another thing: tow truck drivers are not paid enough. I have no idea what they make but I do know they bring in a whole lot of money to the city. What a moneymaker. The only drawback is; once towed; many money-spending tourists and visitors never come back.

You know how I always complain how ballgames are shot for television; the camera always somewhere other than on the ball. We get shots of the manager, shots of the crowd, shots of baseball players walking across homeplate while the ball is bouncing around the outfield, etc. I’ve said how although it’s usually sports I’m talking about, it has more to do with television production and direction. It seems people are starting to listen. New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick in his July 8th column about NBC’s local coverage of the 4th of July fireworks:

“Sports fans regularly suffer the loss of significant sights to crowd shots, but it ain't just sports. Ch. 4's coverage of the July 4 fireworks was loaded with shots of people gawking at what viewers tuned in to see.

Yep, rather than show the fireworks, Ch. 4 repeatedly presented live pictures of people watching them. And those people seen watching the fireworks on Ch. 4 seemed very impressed by what Ch. 4 viewers couldn't see. Brilliant!”

This morning’s traffic jam on the West Side Highway was brought to you by . . . a woman jogging. Yes, a woman jogging between the West Side Highway and the Hudson River this morning around 9:15 brought traffic to a near-standstill as men of all ages slowed to ogle. Men can be so pathetic. I’m so glad I’m married to one of them.