Dave opens the show by doing some odd maneuvers with a pencil to his nose. It's one of those things you may see again years from now when a writer asks me, "Do you have an odd shot of Dave for a piece I'm doing?"

Soon to open right across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater is the new musical, “The Color Purple – The Musical,” a performance backed by Oprah herself. Imagine that, Dave and Oprah as neighbors. Dave believes Oprah will be working the ticket booth and hopes this is the start of something great between them. Dave has suspected for quite a long time that Oprah actually likes him. Yes. Dave also mentions that the opportunity exists of something happening between them now that Steadman is history. Paul questions Dave assessment of the Oprah/Steadman romance. Paul believes they are still an item. Who’s right? I don’t know. I’ll have to keep an eye of the tabloids. Early reports are the “The Color Purple” will open in previews November 1st, with the official opening December 1st. Oprah will be attending the December 1st opening. Mark your calendars.

Chris Elliott is on the show tonight and he's written a book. Dave describes it as "very funny and nothing but foolishness." Sounds good. It'll be a book I'll read the next time my car is in the shop and I have to take the bus to work.

President Bush has been on the defensive ever since nominating Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. He has spent the past couple of days defending his pick. We watch.

Announcer: “President Bush claims he searched high and low before selecting Harriet Miers as his Supreme Court nominee. President Bush wants every American to know that this search was vast and far-reaching. He looked in the cubicle next to the Oval office, the office down the hall from the Oval Office, and that little seating area down the hall around the corner and to the left from the Oval Office. Harriet Miers. The best Supreme Court nominee within 25 feet of the Oval Office.”

2. We here at the LATE SHOW are always fighting with the CBS censors to get things on the air. We want to say certain things; the CBS censors don't want us to say things. This fall, we've reached a compromise: From now on, swearing and obscenities only in Finnish. A Finnish woman then enters and berates Dave and the show in her native tongue.

3. We now broadcast in High-Definition and although the results are great, we didn't take into consideration the high expense. We've had to cut corners. That is why the camera on Paul has to be in lo-def. We take a shot of Paul who we find all blurry and out of focus. We shoot him using the in lo-def camera.

4. And all this month, it's "Rocktober!" A "Rocktober" graphic comes flying in accompanied by a loud heavy metal rock sting. Paul, in lo-def, asks, "What does that mean, 'Rocktober'? Are we giving away concert tickets? Bands performing on the roof? What?" Dave tells Paul, "None of that. Just this." The "Rocktober" graphic comes flying in accompanied by the loud heavy metal rock sting.

5. No more tossing pencils by hand this fall. We have something new and high-tech. It's a pencil-gun. Dave pulls out his pencil gun and calls for the target. Behind Dave's window, two stagehands bring out a large photo of Regis Philbin, host of the popular morning program. Dave takes aim at the Regis and fires the Pencil Gun. It gets Regis right between the eyes but the pencil doesn't stick. Dave again shoots the Pencil Gun but the pencil doesn't stick. A third time, another direct hit, but no stick. Dave gets up and shoves a pencil into the Regis forehead.

6. Something special we are doing this fall . . . . young children will be invited on stage to get sap out of the CBS cameras. We see 3 kids with little buckets getting syrup from Dave Dorsett's camera.

7. Given the success of Lost, with the mystery of what’s in the hatch, we decided to add some mystery to the LATE SHOW. So we’ve decided to add an extra mug to the desk. Lights dim. Alan announces: “Oooh, what’s in the mug? Who is it for? Is it dangerous? Did it come from the hatch?”

Dave goes back to shooting up Regis. This time the pencil sticks and gets him right between the teeth.

8. Based on the success of Desperate Housewives, our building engineer George Clarke will be the new LATE SHOW sexy gardener.

George enters in his jeans and a short white tank top. He carries a hose over his shoulder. Says George: “I’m dirty. Anyone care to clean me off?” He sexily holds his pose, then exits.

9. CBS has a new drama called Ghost Whisperer about a woman who can communicate with the dead. As an experiment, we asked our own Biff Henderson to see if he can contact any spirits from the great beyond. We raise the scrim and find Biff sitting in deep mediation. He goes into a trance.
Biff: “Hold on, I think I’m reaching the other side. Yeah, I see someone. Oh, Dave, this is creepy. Looks like he’s been dead for 10 or 20 years . . . all sunken and dried out. Like a moving skeleton. . . .”
Dave interrupts: “Can you communicate with him?”
Biff: (putting on his glasses and looking into the monitor in front of him. On the monitor is a LIVE shot of Dave) “Oh, man. Is that you, Dave? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without my glasses.”

APE OR ARTIST OR ELEPHANT? - This is our 2nd installment of "Ape or Artist or Elephant?" We've done about 10 "Ape or Artist?' and then expanded it to elephants. What is it? We show a painting. Dave and Paul must decide if the painting was created by an ape, an artist, or an elephant.

Before even seeing the work of art, Dave bets it will definitely be done by an elephant. Every time before this it has been an ape. Dave thinks that "they" think that he will say "ape" just because it's been an ape every time prior. Paul suggests, "So you think they are trying to 'givl' with you?" (to decipher 'givl', simply look to the left of each letter in 'givl' on your keyboard.) Paul immediately apologizes, realizing he probably should have said it in Finnish. Dave won't be fooled. He's betting on elephant tonight. Dave calls for the raising of the cityscape. The painting looks good enough to be done by an actual human artist, but Dave still believes it to be a trick. "'They' want me to say 'human' but I know it's a trick." Dave sticks with his "elephant", believing an elephant could easily paint the picture simply by having a person moves its trunk. Paul also goes with "elephant," since he recognizes the style of the painting. Paul says he owns an elephant painting at home, one he acquired from an elephant at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Alan? What's the answer?

Alan: "Dave, it was painted by . . . . an elephant! Gongkam, our first non-ape artist, is a 6-year-old female living in Thailand, who uses acrylics to create her work. Sponsored by the Asian Elephant Art & Conservation Project, her paintings help raise funds and increase public awareness of the plight of Asian elephants. Similar paintings by Gongkam have sold for $500."

Congratulations, Dave and Paul.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU - a woman in Oregon is suing her doctor after the doctor had sex with her, telling her it would cure her back ache.
#9. He takes your pulse by holding your ass.
#2. He diagnoses you with an "acute lack of getting' bizzay!"

CHRIS ELLIOTT: He’s a TV actor. He’s a movie actor. He’s an Emmy Award winning writer. And he’s now an author of the very funny “The Shroud of the Thwacker.”

Chris, an old friend of the show, asks Dave how little Cody is doing. Chris is a daddy, too, and Dave and Chris discuss the trials and tribulations and joy of being a father. Chris suggests to calm the fuss-budget at church, simply put a little beer in the sippy cup. It works for Chris.

Chris was recently down in New Orleans to help out in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina but was elbowed out of the way when the cameras were rolling by Sean Penn. Sean actually took a pot shot at Chris. And where was FEMA? Chris says HE responded quicker than FEMA. Where was Michael Brown? Chris thinks he knows. He has a photo of Michael Brown when the disaster was unfolding. We see the photo. It’s Michael Brown busily reading Chris’ new novel, “The Shroud of the Thwacker.”

Chris also has been involved in Global Warming. He went to the North Pole to get a first-hand, personal view of the effects. Wow! Chris says it was hot up there, exclaiming “I was sweating my balls off!” He compares it to being as hot as Dave’s place in Paraguay.

I smiled when Chris mentioned Paraguay. When I was in the 5th grade, I did a report on Paraguay. We had to do a report on any country in South America. I picked Paraguay. I remember picking Paraguay because I thought the teacher would be too familiar countries like Brazil, Argentina, and Peru. If I was going to fudge my report, I didn’t want the teacher knowing about it. So I picked Paraguay. The only thing I remember about Paraguay is its capital is Asuncion; it is a land-locked country; and it is shaped sort of like a slightly tilted New Jersey.

Chris had a lot of fun writing his novel, “The Shroud of Thwacker.” It if filled with laughter, even though it doubles as a thrilling who-dunnit. Chris reveals a little bit about the personal Dave when he says that Dave taught him an important lesson so many years ago: “Laughter is the evaporation of tears.” Yes, Dave is always coming out with life lessons captured in short phrases. If you ever share an elevator with Mr. Letterman, an elevator that stops on every floor, Dave will surely say, “Must be the local.” An elevator ride with Dave can be, oh, so much fun.

“The Shroud of the Thwacker” – in stores now. Buy one today.

ACT 5: Alan announce: "It's time for Who's Taking a Smoke Break?"
(shot of Rick Scheckman outside on 53rd Street smoking a cigarette)
"It's film coordinator Rick Scheckman. What are you smoking, Shecky?"
Shecky: "I'm smoking Camel Ultra Lights hard pack. It's a cool smoke."
(shot remains on Shecky)
Alan announce: That's great. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Shecky. This has been 'Who's Taking a Smoke Break?'"

Who knew we would need a smoking coach?

CAMPBELL BROWN: co-anchor of NBC's Weekend Today. She's not to be confused with Campbell-Brown Inc, "Your Best Source of Vehicular Warning Equipment."

Campbell is very excited to be here and says the first famous person she ever met was someone affiliated with this show. Ten years ago she was working New Year’s Eve in Times Square for NBC. It was there she met Biff Henderson. Biff knows how to work a room, greeting her with “Hey, ladies.” He then gave her some LATE SHOW Hand Warmers. Only someone who knows Dave gets a LATE SHOW hand warmer.

Campbell got her start as a political reporter for an NBC affiliate in Topeka, Kansas right out of college. Her salary? $6 an hour. (It’s just about what a New York City Police Officer makes stating out now.) She had second thoughts about her career when she would drive to work and see billboards advertising Pizza Hut delivery positions for $10 an hour. (In fact, many New York City Police Officers do that on the side to make ends meet.)

Working as a White House correspondent, Campbell started a club for other women reporters who would meet at her apartment and chat with a member of the government. The group got some pretty big names to drop by; including Karl Rove. Anyone turn her down? Condoleezza Rice did. Condi didn’t like the women-only concept.

It is rumored that Campbell may be taking over for Katie Couric on the Today show when Katie’s contract runs out in the Spring. Should be interesting.

And that was our show for Wednesday October 5, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Have you been watching this season's Survivor? I've only watched one episode of the Survivor series and that was from the very first season when Richard Hatch was declared the winner, and even then I only watched half the show. My only knowledge of Survivor comes from my typing up informational blue cards for Dave when we would have a Survivor loser at Rupert's. Now my only interest in the show is to find which of the contestants is a former bartender. Every season has at least one bartender and this season is no different. I looked up the bio of each and I had to search to the very end of the Survivor cast list until I found what I was looking for. This season's former-bartender Survivor is Stephenie! And she's not a former bartender, she is one currently! Part-time! How about that! I'll be rooting for Stephenie to win the whole thing. I like bartenders, though I would rather a bartender who doesn't make me wait than a bartender who looks pretty. Combine the two and you really got something.

Correction: Mike Piazza was working for ESPN during Tuesday's BoSox/ChiSox game. And many told me they no longer watch baseball on the TV, but listen to it on the radio. I thought of doing that but the Yankee announcers never shut up and if there is a second of silence, it is quickly filled up with an in-game commercial. "That was the 15th out of the game, and if you have 15 minutes, you can save money on your auto insurance at Geico." Plus, the radio isn't synched up with the TV anymore. You hear what happened on the radio a good 10 seconds before you see it on the TV. To increase listenership, perhaps radio should delay their signal to match up.

I listened to a bit of Piazza yesterday. He wasn’t bad. Did a pretty good job. One thing, though. Is it me or is he trying to look like a young Charlie Chaplin?

The other day I wrote how I loved Get Smart. Having not seen the program in quite some time, I was unsure if the humor still held up after all these years. Some shows are still funny after years and years; others lose it. Some that have held up well:
- The Honeymooners
- Green Acres
- Leave It To Beaver (only with a young Theodore Cleaver. Not when he's an adolescent.)
- The Twilight Zone

There are many that don't hold up. One that surprised me was All In The Family. I remember watching it 10 years after it went away and thought, "Man, this show is still great." And then I watched it again 10 years after that and it wasn't the same at all. It lost its touch.

Can you see it coming? Of course you can. I'm looking for filler. What shows do you think have held up well all these years later . . . and which haven't? Let me know.

I was watching a PBS special the other night about the 1960's. I love watching footage and documentaries about the '60s, a dynamic decade and a real turning point in our nation. And then there is the 70s. Yech. The only good to come out of the 70s was Springsteen and the '78 baseball season.

I rarely read the Wahoo Gazette off the LATE SHOW website. And I rarely proofread my Wahoo before sending it to the online guys. I have started spellchecking, though. This morning I wanted to check on the Monday October 3rd Wahoo error, referring it to being Wednesday and not Monday. While there, I decided to read some of the Wahoo. Gee whiz, I really need to start proof-reading. Sloppy and clumsy, I find it. How long has this been going on? Sigh. OK. From now on . . . . . . I'll try to proofread. Ugh.