After Dave's last joke, he is interrupted by a quartet of accordion players. They surround him, poke and squeeze the box, and then exit.

Are you aware of the avian flu flirting all around? Dave's fear, as is all of ours, is that it will spread into a "pandemic." So Dave offers this bit of advice: "always wash your pan." With this in mind, we decided to feature this brand new segment, "Healthbeat with Dr. Lou Aronne."
Dr. Lou enters.
Dr. Lou: "If you have persistent heartburn and acid regurgitation, you might have acid reflux." Rim shot.
"If you experience a painful or burning sensation in the upper abdomen or chest, sometimes radiating to the back, you might have acid reflux." Rim shot.
"If you have difficulties breathing and suffer from hoarseness because the refluxed fluid irritates the larynx and respiratory tract, you might have acid reflux." Rim shot.
"If you're suffering from any of these symptoms, contact your physician immediately. Good night, everybody!" Dr. Lou waves; freeze.
Alan announce: "Dr. Lou is currently appearing at the New York Presbyterian-Weil Cornell Medical Center. This has been 'Healthbeat with Dr. Lou Aronne.' Now back to you, Dave."

MIKE HOLMGREN CALL YOUR CARDIOLOGIST: From yesterday's Seahawks/Panther game. We see Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren. A call has gone against him. He reacts. Yikes. Hopes he's got his cardiologist on speed dial.

And speaking of the Super Bowl, how lucky are Pittsburgh and Seattle fans?! They get to see their teams play in February . . . . in DETROIT! Such a tourist magnet is Detroit that tickets to the big game is virtually impossible to get. Next year, Super Bowl XLI will be in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

"Time" magazine says it's uncovered photos of George W. Bush with Jack Abramoff, despite White House claims that the two don't know each other. And while "Time" can't publish the photos, the article could still damaging. We see an announcement.
Announcer:

"In an attempt to distance itself from the Jack Abramoff scandal, the White House has repeatedly denied that George W. Bush has had any kind of relationship with the disgraced lobbyist. But "Time" magazine recently got hold of several photos showing Abramoff and Bush together . . . and while we couldn't secure the rights to publish them, we can tell you they look something like this."
See two shirtless cowboys - Bush and Abramoff - from the familiar photo in "Brokeback Mountain."
Announcer: "'Time' magazine: Bringing you hot gay action since 1923."

BOB TAKES A PILATES CLASS at Grasshopper Pilates in Downtown, New York.
-Bob asks if doing the pilates will allow him to do freakier stuff in bed.
-"Hey, ladies, how's my ass look in high-def?"
-Can't do Pilates without enjoying some chocolate cake.
-We see the instructor lying across a big round bouncy ball. Bob offers his assistance. We see the instructor lying across a big round bouncy Bob.
-Bob observes some Pilates moves. The Frog. The Elephant. Bobby likes the Elephant.
-Bob demonstrates his Angry Raccoon.
-"For a healthy body, which brand of cigarettes do you recommend?" Bob offers, "Hey, kids, go with Bobby. Marlboros."
-Bob works out on the Grasshopper and nearly kills himself.
-Before and After.
-The instructor gets revenge in the name of all physical fitness instructors for what Dave did to Richard Simmons. We see her chase Bob down the street firing a fire extinguisher.

The last time the Super Bowl was in Detroit was in 1982. Upon leaving the game, fans were given a questionnaire asking where the Super Bowl should be held. The responses clearly showed that if not in Hawaii, fans would want the Super Bowl in Detroit.

LEYAN LO: He was here about a week ago. He's the student from CalTech who set the World Record for solving the Rubik's Cube in 11.13 seconds. He tried to break the record on our show but was unsuccessful. He's back tonight to try again. What was the problem last time? Leyan explains he may have been jet-lagged and he thinks the cube he had may have been faulty. He's confident he can do it tonight. We put up the clock and Leyan begins. He quickly jostles the cube, turning it every which way, trying to get all the same colors on each side. Dave offers help with a green square, resulting in Leyan shooting the host a dirty look. The clock goes past the 11.13 mark. No record tonight but Leyan continues. It soon becomes obvious that Leyan isn't making any progress. After a near minute, Leyan gets up, looks at his Rubik's and blurts, "Piece of 'DJOY!'" Leyan smashes the Rubik's Cube onto the floor and runs away. No record tonight.
(to decipher "djoy" - simply look to the left of each letter in 'djoy' on your keyboard)
A disappointed Dave says he hopes the youth of America will not become discouraged by Leyan's failure to do the Cube in record time tonight. I think Dave is more disappointed by the young man's reaction.
Dave says the young man will not be coming back. "Everyone deserves a second chance, but that was just uncalled for."

TOP TEN: Signs Your Neighbor is a Vampire - the film, "Underworld: Evolution" was the #1 movie in the country this weekend, taking in $27 million. I'm guessing the movie was about vampires.
#8. Always seems sad when you wear a turtleneck.
#4. When you bring up the 200 bucks he owes you, he turns into a bat and flies away.

ANTHONY HOPKINS: Sorry, no time today. Anthony Hopkins is in the film, "The World's Fastest Indian." It opens February 3rd. I loved the clip of his flying on a motorcycle in the desert.
We see photos of him with President Clinton down in Brazil. Dave asks about one of the photos: "Was this 'Hat Day'?" Hopkins and Clinton are proudly wearing festive but practical hats. We also see a sample of Hopkins' hand at painting.

When you do an hour of television a night, things are bound to go wrong every now and then, so we thought we'd show you a few things we've had to cut from the show recently.
-in one show, we caught Paul doing something odd. We see Paul emptying Al Chez's spit valve into his coffee.
-We always like to drop in on Rupert, but this one time we came at a bad time. Rupert was in a deep embrace with a young lovely. Cries Rupert, "Get out of here. Can't you see Rupert is about to get his meat on?"
-CBS mistakenly double-booked the theater one night with a Bar-Mitzvah. That was very awkward. Unfortunately, it was not the same night as Matisyahu.
-On "Take Your Daughters To Work Day," it was discovered too late that it was not a good idea to let one of them to operate the camera. We see Bruce Willis entering . . . but only form his knees down.
-And we had to start the show over one night when our announcer Alan Kalter acted a bit strange. We see the cut footage of a robed Alan performing a song at the opening of the show. Not a good idea. It had to be cut.
That was just a little peek at some of the stuff we've had to cut. After tonight's show, there will probably be a lot more we can share.

ACT 5: Alan: "Do you have an idea for an episode of 'Wolf Lake'? CBS wants to hear from you! Send the spooky pitch to:
Wolf Lake Episode Idea
c/o CBS Television City
7800 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, Ca. 90036.
Who knows? Maybe your idea will end up on the show!"

ELISABETH HASSELBECK: She's one of the ladies on "The View." She was last here after being fired from Survivor. Voted off, I mean. Now she's at "The View." She remembers before becoming one of the hosts, she would watch the show while walking the treadmill. And now she's arguing with them around the coffee table. Dave is surprised that Barbara Walters makes it on to the A.M. show as much as she does since, you know . . . (Dave gestures "drinking.)
Elisabeth is married to Tim Hasselbeck, the backup quarterback to Eli Manning on the Giants. Her brother-in-law is Matthew Hasselbeck, the starting quarterback for the Super Bowl-bound Seattle Seahawks.
That's it. I gotta go.

And that was our show for Monday, January 23, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

It's the Steelers and the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. I'm not sure why I was rooting for the Broncos over the Steelers. Pittsburgh is in the east. It's an old NFL team. I like their quarterback Roethlisberger, who's from the MAC. They don't seem to showboat. Pittsburgh is a good, hardworking city. So why wasn't I rooting for the Steelers? I'm guessing I didn't want them because they won the Super Bowl so often in my younger years, but that was decades ago. It's about time I got over it. Or, maybe I was rooting for the Broncos because the numbers on their uniforms reminded me of Sonny Sixkiller's uniform.
I was very pleased that CBS didn't overplay their trumpet music during the open and 1st quarter. The week before it seemed to go on and on and on.

And then I'm watching the Seattle Seahawks/Carolina Panthers game. I found myself rooting for the Panthers. Again, I have no idea why. So the Panthers are losing, doing nothing, and then Steve Smith runs back a 59-yard punt. Touchdown! But no, darn it, there's a penalty on the play. A Panther was caught blocking in the back . . . . but NO, again! There was no penalty! That yellow flag which was thrown from the back pocket by a referee was for something else. It didn't mean "penalty." We even saw a ref about to make the penalty call on LIVE TV, but just before he was about to tell us what the penalty was, he was called away. And instead of following the ref so we could look in on the discussion, the camera instead showed us Panthers coach Fox and the punt returning Smith on the sideline . . . . looking at the refs' discussion. Fox and Smith were done here. They had nothing to do. The most important people on the field at that moment were the referees. And we didn't get to see what was going on. Finally, the ref comes back to make his call. His call? No penalty. Never mind. Let's just pretend it didn't happen.
This had no effect on the game, besides for those who had paid $100 a box in one of those barroom or office pools. Anyway, I missed the explanation. Why was the penalty ruled no penalty? Was it replayed from a high angle to let us see the infraction and the ref who threw the flag? I was doing chores around the house at the time. I may have missed it.

And then on Saturday, I was at the local gin mill watching an East-West Shrine game, a football game among college all-stars. Immediately following that game was the Hula Bowl, a football game among college all-stars. The Hula Bowl is played in Honolulu, Hawaii. My barmates were shocked at how many people were in the stands. There were more people on the sidelines. So I asked those around me, "If you were in Hawaii . . ." Three immediately jumped in, "I wouldn't go to the Hula Bowl!" Exactly.
So I checked the attendance at the Hula Bowl. Or at least I tried to. I can't find it on the Google. I did find that tickets were on sale before the game. I ask, "Why even charge admission?" With so few in the stands, it should have been free. And with the increase in attendance would be an increase in food and merchandise sales. But I'm probably wrong.

Pittsburgh's Jerome Bettis: This week: 15 rushes for 39 yards. Last week: 17 rushes for 46 yards. Gimmick or asset?

Oh, this Thursday on CBS's "Without a Trace": "Emily's Reasons Why Not"

Should Ford have waited to announce all the job cuts and their downsizing at this time? Shouldn't they have waited till after the Super Bowl? The Super Bowl is to be played at Ford Field in Detroit. It looks worse for Ford knowing they are putting all these people out of work, yet can find the money to feed their ego by buying the naming rights to the Stadium.
The naming rights will cost Ford $40 million over 20 years. Ahh, maybe it doesn't make much of a difference. Never mind.

Why oh why do I remember Sonny Sixkiller?

Show #2500 Tuesday night!