Dave explains the mechanics and the workings behind the diesel engine.   This is in reference to our guest tonight, Vin Diesel.   Whenever we have Vin Diesel on the show, I mention to our sound effects guy to have a diesel engine ready, just in case.  In case of what?  I don’t really know, but I picture Dave talking about Vin Diesel, and then gliding into diesel engines, and then gliding into wanting to hear the sound of a diesel engine.  And our sound effects guy will have it ready.  

Big news from outer space last week as water was found on one of Saturn’s moons.  We take a look.
(shots of Saturn)
Announcer: “With the shocking discovery of geysers on Saturn’s moon Enceladus, the United States is faces with an important decision -- what should we do about water located in such a strategic location?”
(cut to shot of Bush)
Announcer: “Well, President Bush has an idea.”
(cut to riots in Middle East)
Announcer: “Let’s put Dubai in charge!   George W. Bush --- 34% and falling.”  

Sunday night on 60 Minutes, Lesley Stahl did an intriguing story about whether you can tell if someone’s gay simply by looking at them.   But as is often the case, the promos gave away the best part.    We see the 60 Minutes promo.
Announcer: “Sunday on ‘60 Minutes’: This scientist claims he can tell if people are gay simply by looking at them, and he’ll teach Lesley Stahl how he does it.”
(cut to Lesley Stahl looking at a monitor.  We see a guy sitting in a chair)
Lesley Stahl: “Gay.”
(cut to another guy in a chair)
Lesley Stahl: “Straight"
(cut to Morley Safer in a chair)
Lesley Stahl: “Gay.”
Announcer: “It’s an all-out gay-apalooza, Sunday on CBS.”  

GEORGE W. BUSH FIB: It’s time for “George W. Bush Fib”
- from a January 11th speech in Kentucky.
- Bush: “I  . . . I . .  .. I worked hard last year.”  

WAYS PRESIDENT BUSH IS INCREASING HIS APPROVAL RATING
- Make Tony Danza’s birthday a national holiday
- Improve situation in Iraq by giving United States soldiers whatever crap Barry Bonds is taking
- Promise fully loaded Tex-Mex fixins bar for every household in America
- Taking advice from Donald Trump, gets new haircut to distract people from routine blunders
- Instead of pretending to be a cowboy, pretend to be a matador
- Twice a day, sent the old man from American Chopper into the joint to scream at Saddam Hussein
- Lose the “Kung Fu Fighting” ring tone  

Ahh, “Kung Fu Fighting.”    Dave recites a few lines from the song, with a little help from Paul:

“Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting,
those cats were fast as lightning
In fact, it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing.

Back from commercial, Dave reads some more "Kung Fu Fighting" lyrics:

  “They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It’s an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip.”  

“There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said ‘Here comes the big boss, let’s get it on’
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we’re into a brand new trip.”

But this is Broadway and the show must go on . . .  and the show goes on.  

TOP TEN: Signs Your Doctor is Drunk – a top neurosurgeon in an Oakland, California hospital was suspended following a drunken altercation with sheriff deputies in the operating room.
#10. Sterilize his instruments with Cuervo
#8. Giggles every time he asks for suction
#6. As you go under, you hear the words ‘Amputate’ and “Head.”  

VIN DIESEL: Does Vin know anything about diesel engines?   Vin is suspicious of the question, which surprises me since if I were named ‘Diesel’ I think I would know something about diesel engines.    I’m not sure but I think the diesel engine has a bit of a rattle sound, more so than the regular engine. . . .  and my explanation of that should make it obvious to all that I’m not a Teutul.
   Vin is not married or engaged and Dave is curious what a first date would be like for Vin Diesel.   Vin starts with, “ . . . . well, 16 years old . . . .”  Dave puts the brakes on this real quick.  He explains to Vin that he is not talking about his very first date as a teen, but what would a first-date be like with Vin today with someone he just met.   Vin thinks hard and says he is just a basic meat and potatoes guy.    A first date would be dinner, conversation, an introduction to mom.   OK, now back to 16 years old.   Vin tells a story of being 16 and he had a girlfriend he was crazy about.   It was Valentine’s Day and he waited on line for 5 hours for Broadway theater tickets to see “Dreamgirls.”    He finally got the tickets, got dressed in a suit, bought some flowers and headed over to his girlfriend’s house.   She wasn’t home so he waited.   She finally showed up in a car . . . . driven by another guy!   Quick on her feet, she explained that the guy was just giving her driving lessons. . . .  a drivers’ ed guy.   Vin asks if Dave if he’s ever heard that old excuse.   Dave hasn’t.    

Reader beware: adult commentary to follow.  

I was once in a similar situation.   Back in college, a girl I liked showed up at her house in a car with another guy.   I asked her if the guy was a drivers’ education guy.  She said, “No, he’s just a guy I’m screwing on the side.”  

Vin is in the film, Find Me Guilty, which opens Friday.   It is directed by Sidney Lumet, whom Vin raves about.   Today’s newspaper gives the film 3-and-a-half stars, calling it Diesel’s best yet performance.  

Before the show, our announcer Alan Kalter asked Dave if he could say a few words if we had a few minutes.   Unfortunately, we did have a few minutes and so Dave threw the program over to Mr. Alan Kalter.
ALAN, with his face painted green: “Thanks, Dave.  This week we are reminded to take time to reflect on the rich heritage of a proud, strong people.  (turns angry) We have been mistreated for far too long, but now, we shall no longer be crushed under the heel of the oppressor’s boot.  We will unite and stand firm against our heathen tormentors!   Hear out steadfast call and stand with us!”
(Puts on a white headband)
Alan, irate: “Let the rivers flow with the blood of the non-believers!   We are Hamas!”
(begins to chant gibberish)  “Abbalabbbalabbalabbalal!  Abbalabbalabbalabbala!”
DAVE interrupts Alan: “Alan!  Alan!   What the hell’s wrong with you?”
ALAN, now calm: “Don’t mind me, Dave.  I’ve been drinking since this morning.  I’m bombed.”            

ACT 5: It’s time for a LATE SHOW Bulletin:  Did you forget to write down Dave’s recipe for his famous homemade snickerdoodle cookies?   If so, grab a pen and paper so you and your family can make this delicious treat in your very own home.
(very fast text roll):
- preheat over to 375 degrees
- mix 1 1/2 cups sugar, 1 cup shortening, 1/2 tsp salt, and 2 eggs in a large bowl
-  stir in 2 3/4 cups flour, 2 tsp cream of tartar, and 1 tsp of baking soda
- chill dough
- shape dough into balls the size of walnuts and roll in mixture of equal parts sugar and cinnamon
- bake for 8 to 10 minutes
- enjoy
You’re welcome, America, and enjoy your snickerdoodles! This has been a Late Show bulletin.  Tell your friends.  

TREY PARKER AND MATT STONE: they are the creators, writers, directors, voices and just about everything else involved with Comedy Central’s South Park.   I haven’t seen too many episodes of South Park, but what I’ve seen has made me cringe and laugh.   Lots of it is in poor taste, but at the hour it is seen on Comedy Central, I can accept that.  Trey and Matt met in college in a film class and ended up making a two-minute piece.    They gravitated to each other when they realized everyone else in the class wanted to make an artistic, dark and emotional, black and white art piece.   Trey and Matt were more interested in farts and bad animation.  Later, they went on to produce a piece was entitled “Spirit of Christmas,” which featured a battle between Santa Claus and Jesus for dominion over Christmas.   This got Hollywood’s attention which ultimately led to their careers as animators. Trey got his start in “show business” way back in the 6th grade.   He did a skit in the auditorium in front of the entire school.   The piece was called “The Dentist” and he played a dentist.   He pretended to drill a hole into his friend’s mouth and fake blood came spurting out all over.   The kindergarten kids became so scared over the scene that Trey, as a 6th grader, had to go to the kindergarteners the next day and explain it was all a joke and that dentists are really your friend.
South Park is about to begin its 10th season March 22nd on Comedy Central.   As luck would have it, a bit of controversy has befallen the program.   Isaac Hayes, the voice of the chef since 1997, announced that he will not be returning to the show because he feels the show has started to ridicule religious communities, specifically Scientology.    Trey says that anyone familiar with the show knows that South Park has been doing religious stuff for 10 years; no religion was excluded.   Isaac Hayes, a member of the Church of Scientology, had no problem with this until the show made fun of Scientology.   Isaac Hayes was more than happy to pick up a pay check and make fun of (choose your religion), but as soon as Scientology was the focus, he became upset andprincipled.   Isaac decided to quit the show.  Isaac has left the building.  As with most religions, Scientology will laud Isaac for his actions . . . . . until they realize he now has less money to contribute to the church. 
South Park – on Comedy Central.    

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 15, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

If you’re reading this, you have survived the Ides of March.  

If this is a bit late today, I apologize.  My brother arrived in the city from Arizona this morning and we went out for . . .  . a pre-St. Patrick’s Day breakfast.    Guinness and eggs . .  .. save the eggs.  

The author of “The Da Vinci Code” has been accused of plagiarism and copyright infringement.   The accusers: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.  

It’s St. Patrick’s Day on Friday.   Do you know why the Irish like to drink beer on St. Patrick’s Day?   It’s to wash down the dry Irish Soda Bread.    

Irish Soda Bread – it’s just an excuse to eat butter.  

For years I’ve tried to make the perfect Irish Soda Bread.   I was disappointed when it always came out dry, bland, and tasteless.   I was then told, ‘Well, yeah, that IS the perfect Irish Soda Bread.”
But a few years ago I found a recipe that actually made the soda bread tasty.   It was moist.    It was light.   It was delicious.   You could eat it for enjoyment and not eat it simply to satisfy your inner need to experience the “old country.”   For the past 5 years I’ve brought a loaf into work.    I’m still not quite sure I believe them but my co-workers tell me they really like it and they mean it; they’re not saying it just to be nice.  

Making soda bread is like a box of chocolates.  You’re never sure what you’re going to get.   But this recipe is the best I’ve found and unlike most chefs, I will share my success.

  IRISH SODA BREAD
4 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 1/3 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup shortening or margarine
1 1/3 cup seedless raisins
1 or 2 Tbsp caraway seeds  

- Measure and sift together in a bowl the first 5 ingredients.   Cut shortening into flour with pastry blender, 2 knives, or fingers until mixture has consistency of coarse corn meal.   Add raisins, caraway seeds, and buttermilk.   Add more buttermilk if needed.
- Turn dough onto a well-floured board.   Using lightly-floured fingers, knead dough lightly, then shape into a 9-inch circle.   Place in a well-greased, floured, round iron skillet.  With a sharp knife, lightly floured, make a lengthwise and crosswise cut about 1/8 inch through the dough.   Bake at 375 for 1 hour.   Cool on rack.

The way I judge a good Irish Soda Bread --- if the tub of butter lasts longer than the soda bread, it’s a good soda bread.   If you run out of butter before the loaf is gone, it is too dry.  

It’s March Madness and we’ll be showing previously-viewed programs Thursday and Friday evening.
THURSDAY: March 16th – from February 15, 2006; Show #2511
Charles Barkley; Catherine Keener; and Chad Hedrick
FRIDAY: March 17th – from January 19, 2006; Show #2497
Cheryl Hines; Anna Nalick; and out on 53rd Street, Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt attempts a field goal.