Cold Open: Dave and Jude in the hallway.
Jude: "Hey, I forgot to thank you for your holiday gift."
Dave: "Oh, it's my pleasure."
Jude: "Yeah, so generous. There was enough bologna for two sandwiches."
Dave: "Well, it is the season of giving."

The giving Dave distributes a multitude of gifts to the audience following the monologue.

Oh, by the way. When I'm done with this Wahoo I'm off on vacation. That will explain the hurried feel to this issue.

We had the Late Show Christmas party the other night, and as always there were some wonderful moments. Dave remembers one in particular. Dave rubs his chin, which is the universal signal for a gliss and memory.
We find Dave and Biff at the Late Show office Christmas party. Biff, sipping eggnog, says to Dave: "It's probably just the eggnog talking, but I hate you. I've always hated you. And I'm not the only one. The staff, the crew, the guests, even the audience. . . . you make everybody sick." Dave: "Biff, you know there's no alcohol in the eggnog, right? Biff: looking into his glass, walks off: "Son of a bitch.

And this reminds Dave of an office Christmas party from years ago. He likes to tell this story every few years. It was back at Late Night and the staff always had a Christmas party. Each year it got bigger and bigger. One year, Tom Brokaw and his wife Meredith showed up. They really didn't need to show up. Dave says "We were like gum on their shoes." But Tom and Meredith graced the party with their presence. By 10:00 PM, the alcohol had gotten a good hold of the staff. Longtime stagehand Al Maher walked up to Tom. Al waited politely until it was his turn to say something. Al looked at Tom and said, "Why don't you go 'givl' yourself!" After that, the show always had their Christmas parties outdoors so the staff could burn off the alcohol.

Later in the show, we have something special involving a giant fan and two beautiful women.

Dave is handed a note: Al Maher also once took a leak in the backstage slop sink.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush, "If feels like I was here yesterday . . . . I was!"

WHO SAID IT?
"I gave it a lot of thought over the holidays and I'm still undecided about running for President in 2008."
Paul: "Hillary Clinton?"
Dave: "No. George W. Bush."

"At this point, changing course might do more harm than good."
Paul: "Condoleezza Rice talking about switching focus to North Korea?"
Dave: "No. Nicole Richie driving the wrong way on the Interstate."

"He's too old. He's not what he once was. He should hang it up."
Paul: "A character in 'Rocky Balboa'"
Dave: "No. A Late Show staffer."

"We need another $99 billion to finish the job."
Paul: "An official talking about the war on terror."
Dave: "No. Kenny Rogers' plastic surgeon."

"I wasn't sure I could survive. There were insects and rats everywhere."
Paul: "'Survivor' winner Yul Kwon."
Dave: "No. A customer at Rupert Jee's Hello Deli."

"I'm afraid we'll never be able to resolve the chaos among these warring factions."
Paul: "A general in Iraq"
Dave: "No. A Producer at 'The View'"

"It is inevitable that the Zionist regime will be wiped out."
Paul: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking before the Iranian parliament."
Dave: "No. Mel Gibson, rehearsing his Golden Globes speech"

"Welcome to Arby's, May I take your order?"
Paul: "The guy at Arby's drive-thru window"
Dave: "No. Kevin Federline."

"Honestly, the situation is grim. At this point, victory seems impossible."
Paul: "Nancy Pelosi discussing the war in Iraq"
Dave: "No. Isiah Thomas discussing the Knicks."

"My New Year's resolution is to be more responsible, but back on partying, and always wear underpants."
Paul: "Britney Spears"
Dave: "No. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

I laughed loudly when Paul's face fell when Dave informed him that "Britney Spears" was not right.

"Donald Trump is truly a blessed man with a heart of gold."
Paul: "Miss USA"
Dave: "No. Donald Trump."

TOP TEN: Things You Don't Want to Hear From A Guy Dressed as Santa