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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Martha Stewart; Norah Jones; and Ventriloquist Otto Peterson and George.
PLUS: A Cold Open; a Frozen Camera Lens; a Famous Ventriloquist Dummy of the Past; the “Best in Show”; Something From the Tom Cat; Valentine’s Day Cards; and a Top Ten List.
Cold Open: Jude sitting in the greenroom. Dave enters with a dozen roses, handing them to her. Dave: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jude.” Jude: “Thanks, ‘sdd’hole.”
- beat - Dave: “What?”
ACT 1:
Dave tries to begin the show at the desk but immediately realizes that the camera lens has frozen over with ice. He takes an ice scraper to the camera before proceeding with the show.
The whole city has gotten behind the excitement of Ventriloquist Week. Dave has nearly stunned when he saw this. Dave holds up a picture taken early this morning of the city’s amazing support. The photo is of the Statue of Liberty . . . holding a Statue of Liberty dummy in her left hand. Nice job, New York City . . . and thank you.
Paul is enjoying Ventriloquist Week; his only regret is we couldn’t get Rickie Layne and Velvel. Lots of talk follows about Rickie and Velvel. Meanwhile, back in the shack we search the Google looking for information and a photo of the two.
In honor of Ventriloquist Week, we’re pleased to debut a new segment entitled,
“Ventriloquist Dummy: Where Are They Now?” Announce: “After an illustrious career, Charlie McCarthy, the classic ventriloquist dummy used by Edgar Bergen, was beheaded, varnished, and turned into Scrabble tiles in 1972.”
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show just concluded here in New York City, and we have the “Best In Show” winner here tonight. We say hello to Dennis Flannigan and Diamond Jim.
Enter a guy with a trophy. On a leash is a goat.
Dave congratulates the guy and admires the . . . “Best In Show.” They exit.
Dave was searching the blue card for the dog breed of the Best In Show. I considered it but since our dog was a goat, I left it out. In hindsight, I guess I should have included the breed somewhere at the bottom of the card. Dang.
VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS
It was love at first sight when I downloaded your nude photos.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from the guy with the binoculars across the street.
Thanks, Pool Boy, for satisfying me in a way my husband can’t.
I’ve decided to settle for you.
Thanks for dropping the charges again, Valentine
Be mine, for about half an hour.
I hope we can start dating again when you’re done being a lesbian
You are my eternal soul mate, but touch my model railroad layout again and I’m gone.
I love you more each day, despite your ties to known terrorists
You’re the only one for me, but I’d be cool with a three-way
I’m sorry I slept with your ventriloquist dummy
Every time I gaze into your beautiful eyes I forget you used to be a dude
Your sister could show you a thing or two
This Valentine heart sort of reminds me of your ass
Dear Doctor, thanks for being the only person who’s ever touched my deal.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: “People who work for big business get their health care on a . . . . you know . . . without uhh. . . . uhhh . . . with with no . . . with no . . ..”
And who was that sitting in the audience for JFK’s inauguration? Was that Late Show costume designer, Sue Hum?
ACT 2:
Rickie Layne update: He died at the age of 81 in February of 2006. Velvel is now a lamp in Scarsdale that takes 3-way bulbs.
TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want To Hear on Valentine’s Day #9. “I got us two tickets to ‘Norbit’” #7. “There’s a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you.”
OTTO AND GEORGE – The team is considered the most controversial ventriloquist act out there today. Truthfully, Otto isn’t so bad; it’s that George who is crude and rude.
George had a heart on for Valentine’s Day.
They discussed the cold in New York, and in the theater.
George taunted Paul and Dave.
We learn that George drives a cab to make extra money.
There were some gay jokes.
Airplane jokes.
Dr. Ruth jokes.
“Jaws” jokes.
And jokes about New Jersey.
I hadn’t heard language like this since last Friday’s 3rd commercial break.
To find out more about Otto and George, check out their website at
www.ottoandgeorge.com
I heard they were on Opie and Anthony this morning. Darn. I wanted to listen to them this morning. Unfortunately, I was busy pushing my radio buttons to get the latest traffic report.
ACT 3: MARTHA STEWART: What’s she got tonight? First for Valentine’s Day, she has a chocolate stocking for Dave. It’s a stocking filled with chocolate.
At the demo table, Martha and Dave make a carnation mobile. It requires cutting off the carnations. Uh oh. . . . Dave has a knife in his hand. Yup, just as I thought . . . he cuts his hand and it gushes blood. Dave applies pressure and elevates and it clots immediately.
Martha dips some strawberries into chocolate for Dave’s enjoyment. Dave gets mostly chocolate in his first bite.
How about some currants? They are ruby red. Dave eats these, too, and the red from the currants get on his already bloody hands. Dave likens this visit with Martha to a survival segment.
Martha talks about the Dog Show. She has dogs. Does Dave own a dog? Yes, but he doesn’t live with them. Martha says that doesn’t count. Dave responds, “But I DO own them!”
“Martha” – it’s on TV; 10:00 AM here in New York.
I was surprised Martha was allowed to handle a glue gun.
ACT 4:
Dave is as shocked as anyone about the crazy astronaut case, but thinks NASA should’ve seen this coming. We take a look at exclusive footage of accused astronaut Lisa Nowak’s last mission in space.
We cut to a violent scene from the film, “Armageddon”. After a few seconds of the gun battle in space, the picture goes to static and we cut to Late Show tape operator Tom Catusi turning off the clip.
Tom: “Hi, folks, I’m Late Show videotape operator Tom Catusi. Instead of showing footage of Lisa Nowak’s last mission, I accidentally played a clip from the movie, ‘Armageddon.’ I know it looks like we were making a joke about Ms. Nowaks fragile mental state, but it was an honest mistake. A mistake I perhaps could’ve avoided if I hadn’t wasted so many years stalking ex-lovers while wearing adult diapers. Take if from me, kids, get a hobby, like miniature golf or some ‘djoy’ like that.
That’s flying at ya, straight from the TomCat.” (Tom points to the camera; freeze) Announce: “This message has been brought to you by the National Council of Churches.
Back to you, Dave.”
ACT 5:
Ventriloquist Week continues:
Thursday: Jim Barber & Seville
Friday: Brad Cummings and Rex
ACT 6: NORAH JONES: From her #1 album in America, “Not Too Late”, Norah Jones performed “Not Too Late.” Lovely as always.
To close the show, Dave shows the most recent photo of the Statue of Liberty. Oh, darn. After tonight, Mayor Bloomberg took down her ventriloquist dummy.
And that was our show for Wednesday February 14, 2007.
Was this the first show ever where Dave did not talk to anyone at the desk? The ventriloquist was center stage, as was Martha Stewart. And then music. No one sat in the guest chair all night. Wow! Put that in your diary!
Here’s your typical local news on a day like this: Tuesday night when the snow started to fall, the news goes to a reporter on the scene in upstate Orange County, New York. After a few words and views from Orange County, we go to a town in Jersey. It’s a lot of the same. Snow. Sleet. Traffic will be a problem in the morning. Let’s talk to a guy in a snowplow. How are things in Westchester? We go to another reporter in Westchester. And then how about the city? We see a reporter in the city. We are 8 minutes into the 22-minute local news and it’s all been about the weather . . . and we haven’t yet gotten to the weather report.
Kim Jong Il has promised to begin disarmament of North Korea’s nuclear program in exchange for foreign aid. And one look at Kim Jong Il tells you he would not lie.
It’s Valentine’s Day . . . so how did you do? Here’s some Valentine’s Day trivia:
The History of Valentine's Day: In Rome in A.D. 270, Valentine had enraged the mad emperor Claudius II, who had issued an edict forbidding marriage. Claudius felt that married men made poor soldiers, because they would not want to leave their families for battle. The empire needed soldiers, so Claudius abolished marriage. Valentine, bishop of Interamna, invited young couples to come to him in secret, where he joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this 'friend of lovers,' and had the bishop brought to the palace. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to renounce Christianity and boldly attempted to convert the emperor. On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed. [Source: Some Valentine's Day Trivia]
- In Medieval times, girls ate bizarre foods on St Valentine's Day to make them dream of their future spouse.
- In the Middle Ages, there was a belief that the first unmarried person of the opposite sex you met on the morning of St. Valentine's Day would become your spouse.
- The first Valentine gift was sent by Duke of Orleans to his wife, after he was captured in 1415.
- 73% of Valentine Day flowers are bought by men, whereas women buy only 23% of Valentine flowers.
- Around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets
- About 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged each year. That's the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.
And then on another website, I found this:
- Presently there are 192 million Valentine's Day cards exchanged annually.
So which is it . . . 1 billion cards exchanged or 192 million? Who knows? Some of these websites can say anything they want. Who’s counting?
- In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.
- In Medieval times people who couldn't write their names signed with an 'X' in front of a witness. The 'X' was then kissed to show sincerity. Many believe this is how the 'X' symbol became synonymous with the kiss.
- Esther Howland was the first American to make commercial Valentine's Day cards out of scraps of ribbon, lace and pictures.
- 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day.
Hope you had a Happy Valentine’s Day.
Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show:
VT of a staffer in a horse costume doing a “Top Ten” out on the street. This would be entitled “Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear from the President While He Is Dressed in a Horse Costume.”
Instead of audio from the staffer, we use lines some odd lines spoken by George W. Bush over the years as if it was he inside the horse costume.
This concludes another episode of “Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show.”
Oh, that’s too bad. The Kansas City Royals are already 9 games out.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s their 54th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine’s Day, congratulations with lots of hugs and kisses, it’s mom and dad.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Martha Stewart; Norah Jones; and Ventriloquist Otto Peterson and George.
PLUS: A Cold Open; a Frozen Camera Lens; a Famous Ventriloquist Dummy of the Past; the “Best in Show”; Something From the Tom Cat; Valentine’s Day Cards; and a Top Ten List.
Cold Open: Jude sitting in the greenroom. Dave enters with a dozen roses, handing them to her. Dave: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jude.” Jude: “Thanks, ‘sdd’hole.”
- beat - Dave: “What?”
ACT 1:
Dave tries to begin the show at the desk but immediately realizes that the camera lens has frozen over with ice. He takes an ice scraper to the camera before proceeding with the show.
The whole city has gotten behind the excitement of Ventriloquist Week. Dave has nearly stunned when he saw this. Dave holds up a picture taken early this morning of the city’s amazing support. The photo is of the Statue of Liberty . . . holding a Statue of Liberty dummy in her left hand. Nice job, New York City . . . and thank you.
Paul is enjoying Ventriloquist Week; his only regret is we couldn’t get Rickie Layne and Velvel. Lots of talk follows about Rickie and Velvel. Meanwhile, back in the shack we search the Google looking for information and a photo of the two.
In honor of Ventriloquist Week, we’re pleased to debut a new segment entitled,
“Ventriloquist Dummy: Where Are They Now?” Announce: “After an illustrious career, Charlie McCarthy, the classic ventriloquist dummy used by Edgar Bergen, was beheaded, varnished, and turned into Scrabble tiles in 1972.”
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show just concluded here in New York City, and we have the “Best In Show” winner here tonight. We say hello to Dennis Flannigan and Diamond Jim.
Enter a guy with a trophy. On a leash is a goat.
Dave congratulates the guy and admires the . . . “Best In Show.” They exit.
Dave was searching the blue card for the dog breed of the Best In Show. I considered it but since our dog was a goat, I left it out. In hindsight, I guess I should have included the breed somewhere at the bottom of the card. Dang.
VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS
It was love at first sight when I downloaded your nude photos.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from the guy with the binoculars across the street.
Thanks, Pool Boy, for satisfying me in a way my husband can’t.
I’ve decided to settle for you.
Thanks for dropping the charges again, Valentine
Be mine, for about half an hour.
I hope we can start dating again when you’re done being a lesbian
You are my eternal soul mate, but touch my model railroad layout again and I’m gone.
I love you more each day, despite your ties to known terrorists
You’re the only one for me, but I’d be cool with a three-way
I’m sorry I slept with your ventriloquist dummy
Every time I gaze into your beautiful eyes I forget you used to be a dude
Your sister could show you a thing or two
This Valentine heart sort of reminds me of your ass
Dear Doctor, thanks for being the only person who’s ever touched my deal.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: “People who work for big business get their health care on a . . . . you know . . . without uhh. . . . uhhh . . . with with no . . . with no . . ..”
And who was that sitting in the audience for JFK’s inauguration? Was that Late Show costume designer, Sue Hum?
ACT 2:
Rickie Layne update: He died at the age of 81 in February of 2006. Velvel is now a lamp in Scarsdale that takes 3-way bulbs.
TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want To Hear on Valentine’s Day #9. “I got us two tickets to ‘Norbit’” #7. “There’s a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you.”
OTTO AND GEORGE – The team is considered the most controversial ventriloquist act out there today. Truthfully, Otto isn’t so bad; it’s that George who is crude and rude.
George had a heart on for Valentine’s Day.
They discussed the cold in New York, and in the theater.
George taunted Paul and Dave.
We learn that George drives a cab to make extra money.
There were some gay jokes.
Airplane jokes.
Dr. Ruth jokes.
“Jaws” jokes.
And jokes about New Jersey.
I hadn’t heard language like this since last Friday’s 3rd commercial break.
To find out more about Otto and George, check out their website at
www.ottoandgeorge.com
I heard they were on Opie and Anthony this morning. Darn. I wanted to listen to them this morning. Unfortunately, I was busy pushing my radio buttons to get the latest traffic report.
ACT 3: MARTHA STEWART: What’s she got tonight? First for Valentine’s Day, she has a chocolate stocking for Dave. It’s a stocking filled with chocolate.
At the demo table, Martha and Dave make a carnation mobile. It requires cutting off the carnations. Uh oh. . . . Dave has a knife in his hand. Yup, just as I thought . . . he cuts his hand and it gushes blood. Dave applies pressure and elevates and it clots immediately.
Martha dips some strawberries into chocolate for Dave’s enjoyment. Dave gets mostly chocolate in his first bite.
How about some currants? They are ruby red. Dave eats these, too, and the red from the currants get on his already bloody hands. Dave likens this visit with Martha to a survival segment.
Martha talks about the Dog Show. She has dogs. Does Dave own a dog? Yes, but he doesn’t live with them. Martha says that doesn’t count. Dave responds, “But I DO own them!”
“Martha” – it’s on TV; 10:00 AM here in New York.
I was surprised Martha was allowed to handle a glue gun.
ACT 4:
Dave is as shocked as anyone about the crazy astronaut case, but thinks NASA should’ve seen this coming. We take a look at exclusive footage of accused astronaut Lisa Nowak’s last mission in space.
We cut to a violent scene from the film, “Armageddon”. After a few seconds of the gun battle in space, the picture goes to static and we cut to Late Show tape operator Tom Catusi turning off the clip.
Tom: “Hi, folks, I’m Late Show videotape operator Tom Catusi. Instead of showing footage of Lisa Nowak’s last mission, I accidentally played a clip from the movie, ‘Armageddon.’ I know it looks like we were making a joke about Ms. Nowaks fragile mental state, but it was an honest mistake. A mistake I perhaps could’ve avoided if I hadn’t wasted so many years stalking ex-lovers while wearing adult diapers. Take if from me, kids, get a hobby, like miniature golf or some ‘djoy’ like that.
That’s flying at ya, straight from the TomCat.” (Tom points to the camera; freeze) Announce: “This message has been brought to you by the National Council of Churches.
Back to you, Dave.”
ACT 5:
Ventriloquist Week continues:
Thursday: Jim Barber & Seville
Friday: Brad Cummings and Rex
ACT 6: NORAH JONES: From her #1 album in America, “Not Too Late”, Norah Jones performed “Not Too Late.” Lovely as always.
To close the show, Dave shows the most recent photo of the Statue of Liberty. Oh, darn. After tonight, Mayor Bloomberg took down her ventriloquist dummy.
And that was our show for Wednesday February 14, 2007.
Was this the first show ever where Dave did not talk to anyone at the desk? The ventriloquist was center stage, as was Martha Stewart. And then music. No one sat in the guest chair all night. Wow! Put that in your diary!
Here’s your typical local news on a day like this: Tuesday night when the snow started to fall, the news goes to a reporter on the scene in upstate Orange County, New York. After a few words and views from Orange County, we go to a town in Jersey. It’s a lot of the same. Snow. Sleet. Traffic will be a problem in the morning. Let’s talk to a guy in a snowplow. How are things in Westchester? We go to another reporter in Westchester. And then how about the city? We see a reporter in the city. We are 8 minutes into the 22-minute local news and it’s all been about the weather . . . and we haven’t yet gotten to the weather report.
Kim Jong Il has promised to begin disarmament of North Korea’s nuclear program in exchange for foreign aid. And one look at Kim Jong Il tells you he would not lie.
It’s Valentine’s Day . . . so how did you do? Here’s some Valentine’s Day trivia:
The History of Valentine's Day: In Rome in A.D. 270, Valentine had enraged the mad emperor Claudius II, who had issued an edict forbidding marriage. Claudius felt that married men made poor soldiers, because they would not want to leave their families for battle. The empire needed soldiers, so Claudius abolished marriage. Valentine, bishop of Interamna, invited young couples to come to him in secret, where he joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this 'friend of lovers,' and had the bishop brought to the palace. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to renounce Christianity and boldly attempted to convert the emperor. On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed. [Source: Some Valentine's Day Trivia]
- In Medieval times, girls ate bizarre foods on St Valentine's Day to make them dream of their future spouse.
- In the Middle Ages, there was a belief that the first unmarried person of the opposite sex you met on the morning of St. Valentine's Day would become your spouse.
- The first Valentine gift was sent by Duke of Orleans to his wife, after he was captured in 1415.
- 73% of Valentine Day flowers are bought by men, whereas women buy only 23% of Valentine flowers.
- Around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets
- About 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged each year. That's the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.
And then on another website, I found this:
- Presently there are 192 million Valentine's Day cards exchanged annually.
So which is it . . . 1 billion cards exchanged or 192 million? Who knows? Some of these websites can say anything they want. Who’s counting?
- In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.
- In Medieval times people who couldn't write their names signed with an 'X' in front of a witness. The 'X' was then kissed to show sincerity. Many believe this is how the 'X' symbol became synonymous with the kiss.
- Esther Howland was the first American to make commercial Valentine's Day cards out of scraps of ribbon, lace and pictures.
- 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day.
Hope you had a Happy Valentine’s Day.
Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show:
VT of a staffer in a horse costume doing a “Top Ten” out on the street. This would be entitled “Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear from the President While He Is Dressed in a Horse Costume.”
Instead of audio from the staffer, we use lines some odd lines spoken by George W. Bush over the years as if it was he inside the horse costume.
This concludes another episode of “Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show.”
Oh, that’s too bad. The Kansas City Royals are already 9 games out.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s their 54th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine’s Day, congratulations with lots of hugs and kisses, it’s mom and dad.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Cold Open: Dave Gives Jude Flowers • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Dave Scrapes Ice Off Lens • Ventriloquist Dummy "Where Are They Now?" • "Best In Show" Winner Watch now • Valentine's Day Cards View now • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear on Valentine's Day Read now
