COLD OPEN : Tom Hanks in the green room. He says to a full-bearded Dave: "The studio is forcing me to do this show. Between you and me, I hate Letterman's guts."
DAVE: "Uh, Tom, it's me. Dave.
TOM studies Dave's face for a moment, then realizes his error.
TOM: "You have a beard!" Wheezes a laugh.

ACT 1:
Dave has some sad news. He needs to say goodbye to an old friend. It is his beard. The beard tonight will be going away. Dave says he got a phone call "from a guy" who told him, "Dave, lose the beard." Dave's first reaction was, "Oh, yeah! Go screw!" Paul wants to know who was "the guy." Dave won't tell. Paul presses on. Dave says he will not tell even if Paul guesses correctly. Paul wants to guess. Dave says go ahead but it won't do any good.
Paul: "Was it Steve Wynn?"
I laughed hard at that. Steve Wynn? He's the Las Vegas casino guy who made commercials for awhile back in the day. Very obscure, but familiar enough to be very funny. And the more I think of it, I think Paul had used that reference before. Wait here while I check one of my files, though I doubt I logged it.
BUZZZZZZ. I have no record of Steve Wynn being mentioned on the show. That doesn't mean Paul didn't use "Steve Wynn" before. It only means I didn't log it if he did.

Dave's beard has gotten a lot of news coverage. In last week's New York Daily News, they had some pictures of Dave in other beards.
1. Dave as Abe Lincoln.
2. Dave as Santa Claus.
3. Dave as a member of ZZ Top.
4. And then today, there was an Op-Ed cartoon of Dave in his full beard on the TV. On the couch, the guy says to his wife, "Shhhh, he's about to do his opening Fatwa."

And when we come back, Dave will get his beard shaved off.

It'll be a two-person operation. Dave predicts, "When I'm done, it's gonna look like I was in a knife fight." He then adds, "A little later, we're gonna have a woman come out here and buzz me." Oooooh. Dave shoots a look at the audience for their rude reaction. What dirty minds they have.

ACT 2
Before the shave, Dave grabs a yellow raincoat from behind the desk. He puts on a yellow rain hat. He places a box of Gorton's Fish Sticks on the desk.
DAVE: "This portion of the Late Show is brought to you by Gorton's Fish Sticks. Throw plain old dinners overboard and set sail for a new world of tastiness. Our fish sticks are so delicious, they'll make your taste buds snap to attention and say, 'Ahoy, matey!"
Dave bites into a fish stick. Freeze frame.
Announce: "Gorton's Fish Sticks! Navigate your way to your supermarket's frozen food aisle for the perfect lunch, dinner, or bedtime snack! Trust the Gorton's fisherman! Back to you, Dave."

It's time for the shave.
Assisting, from the Paul Mole barber shop on Lexington Avenue will be Diane Wood and Roberto Patane.
Diane: - will treat Dave's skin.
-will shave most of Dave's beard with an electric razor
-will then lather Dave's face.
Roberto will complete the shave using a straight razor.

Before they begin, Dave asks Diane, "You know my blood type, right?"

A typical shave at the Paul Mole (Mole has an accent over the E, so it sounds like "molay") goes for $34.
Dave loosens his tie and takes off his glasses. Diane then turns on the electric razor. The unsuspecting Dave is comically startled. Diane and the electric razor do a fine job of getting down to the root of the whisker. She leaves a bit of the sideburn on Dave which Dave seemed to like. "Johnny Ringo!" Dave cries out.

From www.johnnyringo.com

"John Peters Ringo achieved a reputation as a notorious and dangerous man in Texas based on his participation in the Hoodoo War, also known as the Mason County War, which peaked in violence during 1875. Around 1879, Johnny Ringo drifted West to the territory of Arizona, where the notorious cowboy became the chief antagonist of Wyatt Earp, and received more notoriety before his death in July 1882."

Once Dave is lathered up, Roberto enters with the straight razor. He does a few scrapes across the face and then finishes the job during the commercial break. Dave's face is baby smooth.

My idea that didn't get on the show . I suggested Dave should only get a partial shave, with a bit more shaved as the show progressed. For instance, in the ACT 1 Dave's full beard could have been sheared down to a French Fork. In the ACT 2 he could have gotten the Friendly Mutton Chops. Later, he could have gotten the Franz-Josef, and then completed the job at the end of the show for a clean shaven face. Or Dave could have gone:
1. Full beard.
2. The Hollywoodian
3. Napoleon III Imperial
4. Handlebar and Chin Puff.
5. Clean shaven.
But no one listened.

ACT 3:
The shave did not go forth without complications. As with most major shaving jobs, a nick and a cut resulted. We see a close up of the bleeding from Dave. If I didn't know better, I would have guessed Dave used one of those white Bic disposables. I always cut myself when I use one of those.

TOM HANKS : to the rescue, Tom Hanks enters with a first aid kit in hand. Rifling though the kit, he cannot come up with a single band-aid. It's your typical first aid kit. If you need to apply a tourniquet, you're ready. If you need a simple band-aid, they've already been used up.
There's a photo of Tom Hanks from the film, "Castaway." He looks not too much unlike Dave does now. Although I think it took Tom a few years on the island to get to look like that. For Dave, two months.
We see a couple photos of Tom Hanks playing baseball. Playing baseball not just anywhere, but playing baseball on the National Mall of Washington D.C. Now that's what I call a big star. Playing baseball on the National Mall. When I was a kid, I would get yelled at it the baseball went on the neighbor's lawn.

Back from commercial, Tom Hanks says about Dave's cuts on his face, "There was a Barbicide right here tonight." Tom then finds a stray hunk of whisker and puts it in his secret pocket inside his jacket. Says Dave, "Explain that to your wife!"
Has Tom been following the elections? Tom says his guy, Christopher Dodd has dropped out. Tom was leaning towards him based on Dodd's hairline. It's a hairline you can really get behind. Huckabee? He's definitely going to be the next President of Iowa.
Tom Hanks was supposed to be here on the show in December but we were away due to the writers strike. Unfortunately, no one told Tom. Tom was here. He came to the theater. He came on and sat in the guest chair. But no one was here. . . . except a guy in the control room who directed the guy in the tape room to record what the camera guy was shooting on stage. Other than that, no one was here.

Tom's new film, "Charlie Wilson's War," is in theaters now. It stars Julia Roberts and Philip Seymour Hoffman. One critic calls it "Far and away one of the best films of the year." The claim is for the year 2007. If it was for 2008, it wouldn't be much of a rave.

ACT 5 :
We see Dave being shaved . . . in reverse. It looks like the clippers are putting Dave's whiskers back on his face.

ACT 7:
MIKE HUCKABEE: The former Governor of Arkansas is the front-runner for the Republican nomination for President. How'd that happen? A couple months ago, few outside The Natural State, the Land of Opportunity, the Bear State, the Wonder State, the Razorback State, What a State, knew who Mike Huckabee was. And here he is now the front runner.
Governor Huckabee carried 34% of the Republican vote in Iowa, vs. 25% for Romney and 13% for Thompson and McCain. Huckabee's line in Iowa, regarding Romney: "I think people want a President who reminds them of the guy they work with, not the guy that laid them off."
How will he do in New Hampshire? Huckabee is quite confident he will do well, as he did in Iowa.
Is being a Governor a good prep for being President? Better than being a Senator? He says being a Governor is a microcosm of the federal level. As Governor, you run things; you are in charge of things; you make decisions. A Senator, he says, makes speeches and spends people's money.
Huckabee, like Dave, has a background in radio broadcasting. How did Huckabee get his start? When he was 11, he broke his finger playing Little League baseball. Unable to play, it was suggested he be the P.A. announcer for the Little League games. I guess he would say stuff like, "Now batting, Billy." After doing that for awhile, the radio play-by-play buy called in sick one day. Yes, in his town of Hope, Arkansas, they would broadcast the Little League baseball games on the radio. Someone asked Mike if he would like to give it a try. Mike agreed to do it. The guy in charge was impressed and said, "Not bad for an 11 year old. Come back when you're 14 and you got the gig." So when Mike turned 14, he got his FCC license and broadcast the Hope, Arkansas Little League games . . . probably heard by Billy's parents and a few others.

And that was our show for Monday, January 7, 2008 .



Day 64 of the writers strike.

Dang it! I remembered too late. It would have made for a fine bumper shot. Back on June 29, 1995, we shaved Tom Hanks on the show. It was so long ago, it was pre-Wahoo.

Where's Ron Paul - I watched a bit of the GOP Presidential Forum held on FOX Sunday night . . or was it Saturday? Fox had invited Republican candidates Rudolph Giuliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson to the forum, but excluded Ron Paul. Huh? Why wasn't Ron Paul invited? He received 10% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus, right behind Fred Thompson and John McCain at 13%. Giuliani only got 4%.
If I were a New Hampshire Republican, I would vote for Ron Paul just to show FOX and the Republican Party that they can't dictate to me on whom to vote for. At this point in time, Ron Paul is a viable candidate. C'mon, FOX, play fair. Why are you afraid of Ron Paul.
I know nothing about the game of politics. I just don't understand why Ron Paul wasn't invited to the FOX party.

Immediately following the results of the Iowa Caucus, I found scores of headlines posing the question, "Is Hillary finished?"
And I couldn't help but think . . . nothing against Iowa . . . . but it's Iowa! Is Iowa really going to dictate to the rest of the country whether Hillary Clinton is finished or not? And then she travels to New Hampshire for the primaries. Many believe if she does poorly there, she is truly done. And I couldn't help but think . . . nothing against New Hampshire . . . but it's New Hampshire! She's been at this election thing, officially, since last February. And it's kaput in 5 days? There is so much I don't get about politics.
And when I heard this morning that Hillary was a bit teary up in the Granite State, I told my daughters it sounded like Hillary had a Muskie Moment. I tried to explain. They weren't interested in the ancient history. I guess I can understand. Edmund Muskie to them is like Wendell Willkie to me.

From Rolling Stone online --- Dr. Phil, on Britney Spears:

"After spending time with Spears, the therapist released a statement stating he believes 'she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention.'"

I watched 5 minutes of the Roger Clemens /"60 Minutes" interview Sunday night but then I saw such an obvious mid-sentence edit that I decided the piece wasn't worth my time. Clemens answered a Mike Wallace question with a waving of his arms and the next thing we see is a different angle and a much calmer Roger finishing his answer. Besides, this steroid issue bores me to no end. The only enjoyment I'm getting out of this is watching the likes of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens trying to explain themselves.

Tomorrow is the People's Choice Awards. This person chooses "not."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Not able to tell what I say and what Dave says, it's Scott Isaacs .
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee - also known as "The Guy"
mikemack@aol.com