" . . . and now, ready to begin his powerpoint presentation . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
It's time for a brand new segment on our show: "Straight Talk With Mitt Romney ."
It's Mitt Romney on Sunday's "This Week with George Stephanopoulos." The two watch a clip of Romney saying he didn't run an attack ad on McCain accusing him of "amnesty" for illegals. Stephanopoulos then runs a Romney ad that does mention McCain and amnesty for illegals.
Stephanopoulos: "Had you not seen your own ad?"
Romney: "I hadn't seen that one."
Mitt Romney: I approve this message . . but I don't know what's in it.

Roger Clemens was on "60 Minutes" last Sunday night denying the performance-enhancing drug allegations. He's considering legal action. We take a look at this announcement.
Announce:

"Roger Clemens continues to maintain that he didn't take performance-enhancing drugs. Roger is considering legal action against those who allege he took human growth hormone. In fact, right now he's meeting with his lawyers."
We see a shot of Roger with his lawyers. Roger is three-times the size of them. "Roger Clemens: Large and in charge."

The big media companies have been criticized for refusing to negotiate an end to the writers strike, but judging from this announcement, it seems like the writers might be the ones who are being unreasonable. We watch the announcement from the AMPTP.
Announce:

"The Writers Guild of America is trying to portray the studios as greedy and unwilling to compromise, but consider the facts. When the writers complained about their share of revenue from online streaming of their programs, we proposed a contract that doubled their percentage."
Graphic shows a slash through 0% and a new graphic appears: 00%.
"But the writers refused to sign, even after we tripled and quadrupled our offer."
Graphic: 000% and 0000%.
"You just can't win with these people!
The AMPTP: Cowards, cutthroats, and weasels since 1982."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
-George W. Bush: "I wanna thank our foreign minister for uh uh . . . I don't see our foreign minister . . . Look, the guy was here . . ."

ACT 2 :
Before getting to the Fun Facts, Dave says that tonight's guest, tattoo artist Kat Von D, "got a likeness of me tattooed somewhere on her body today."
I "Played the Paul." I said, "With the beard?" Paul did not say it. I lost, and I'm kinda glad I did.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS - Dave reads a list of Fun Facts sent to him from a pal he met at Paul's wedding. I think it was up at Grossinger's.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Things Overheard on George W. Bush's Trip to the Middle East - he's in the middle of a 9-day trip to the Middle East to promote peace talks.
#10. "Where can I buy one of them flying carpets?"
#4. "I wonder if Jackoway hammered out that interim deal with Hamas."
#3. "That's not a kitty, sir, that's the Sphinx."

TRACY MORGAN : From "30 Rock" and the new film, "First Sunday."
The last time Tracy was here we learned of his troubles with drinking, the police and the driving. The 3 don't mix. In fact, any of the two usually don't mix. When he was ordered to walk the line, he kept stepping on the police officer's foot. Tracy blames the cop for putting his foot on the line.
Tracy doesn't drink much anymore, except for a little saki bomb earlier today.
What does Tracy like to do in his free time? Says Tracy, "Just doing karate and trying to get females pregnant." Sounds like quite a New Years resolution.
Big news! Stop the presses! Tracy has a big announcement to make. Tracy and Britney are engaged. Who knew? Oh, it's Britney Jones, not Spears. You can start up the presses again.
The holidays? It was expensive. Wherever he went, family and friends were asking him for money. Dinner at grandma's cost him $2,500 just for a seating. Everyone wanted a piece of that "30 Rock" money.
Tracy is a big sports fan. What does he think of this Roger Clemens thing? Tracy's mom says he's lyin'. Tracy's mom knows these things. She can size up a guy lying immediately. Roger Clemens? He's lyin'. Yup, he's lyin.'"
Tracy is also a big Giants fan. He'll be rooting hard for the Giants against the Cowboys this weekend. He's going to arrange for Jessica Simpson to take Cowboy QB Tony Romo out the night before the game for ribs and other parts of her body.
Anything I can do to help there, Tracy, let me know.

ACT 4:
IS THIS ANYTHING?
-A guy with a big Pilates ball. He falls on, then over, the ball and bounces into a handstand. As we wait to see what's next, we soon realize there is no "next." That's it, and that's nothing.
Dave says the equipment used in tonight's installment of "Is This Anything" reminded him of his honeymoon. Paul exclaims, "You had equipment?" Dave says, "I had to!"

ACT 5:
Announce: "It's time for the Late Show New Year Scramble!"
We see the numbers 8 0 0 2 appear on the screen.
"Can you rearrange the numbers to make the new year?"
The numbers swirl around each other.
"Tune in Monday for the answer . . . to the Late Show New Year Scramble!"

I was hoping for a reverse shot of the "Is This Anything" guy going from a handstand to a standing position, but realized that wouldn't be anything, either.

ACT 6
Earlier in the show, Paul and the band played some "Tighten Up." Dave was very familiar with the song and during the break we got him the lyrics to Archie Bell and the Drells' "Tighten Up."
"Hi everybody. I'm Archie Drell and the Drells from Houston, Texas. We don't only sing but we dance just as good as we walk. In Houston we just started a new dance called the Tighten Up. This is the music we tighten up to.
First tighten up on the drums. Come on now drummer. I want you to tighten it up for me now. oh yeah
Tighten up on that bass now. Tighten it up. ha ha Yeah
Now let that guitar fall in. Oh yeah
Tighten up on that organ now.
Ya, do the tighten up. Yeah now.
I said if you can do it now,
It sure would be tough.

The Tighten Up - always a party favorite.

KAT VON D: She's the star of the TLC program, "L.A. Ink," now in its 2nd season. It's all about tattoos.
It's the second season of "L.A. Ink." Anything new? Kat Von D says, "I don't drink anymore." How long has it been? She says, "It's been so long I don't count anymore. . . . been months." I laughed. She says that running the shop is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility, so she had to cut out the drinking. Although she was a very fun drunk, she feels much better now, much healthier. Unfortunately, all her friends have stopped calling.
If I got a tattoo, it would be of a battleship on my chest.
Kat Von D got a tattoo just this afternoon. She shows off the brand new tattoo she got on her thigh. It's a tattoo of Dave. Ooh, I hope it's erasable.

ACT 7:
DROPKICK MURPHYS : From their CD, "The Meanest of Times," Dropkick Murphys performed "The State of Massachusetts." And then they stuck around for some "Shipping Up To Boston." This stuff I like. I would like to thank Boston Red Sox Jonathan Paplebon for putting Dropkick Murphys on the national map . . . now stop pitching so good.

And that was our show for Friday, January 11, 2008.



Without the Late Show, you would never see a WGA Writers Strike picket sign on TV. That's what happens when the media controls the media.

You know, in my past life I think I must have been a Bostonian. There's a lot about the place that appeals to me, even though I've only been there once and that was in '74.

If being a United States Senator is a full-time job, and running for President is a full-time job, how can one person do both? How are Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and Barack Obama doing it? Aren't they shirking their responsibility to their states? Why are they paid a full salary when they aren't doing a full day's work for the state? How is Dennis Kucinich being both an Ohio congressman and a candidate for the Democratic nomination? How can Ron Paul do the job of a Texas congressman? And Duncan Hunter of California? They've been at this campaign-thing for over a year now. Are they really doing the job they've been elected to do? And how long could you stay on your job if you actively and publicly campaigned for another job in another company?
Former President Clinton recently on "Charlie Rose": "Essentially, once you start running for President full time, you don't have much time to do much else."
Apparently, states can get along fine with only one United States Senator.

I was watching the news today and saw a robbery in progress. A guy went into a sports store and took some merchandise. He left without paying. An employee followed and took down the license plate number. The guy quickly backed out of his parking space and hit the employee. He then sped away. And this is what I thought of the whole thing. What idiot goes in to rob a store and leaves himself having to back out of his parking space? You should back the car in so you can get a quick getaway. You can pull straight out. There's no backing up in shoplifting! Let that be a lesson to you kids. If you're going to rob a store, make sure you plan your getaway properly. Think it through.

I was confident early in the week but now I'm not so sure. Too many "experts" are picking the Giants this week to upset the Dallas Cowboys. I wish they would all just keep quiet. I'm all mixed up, now. When I think the Giants will win, I suddenly get pessimistic. When I think they will lose, I sudden surge of optimism bursts in and then I feel like they will win. And it continues back and forth. Oh, and look for the Patriots to lose this week. Yup.

Have you ever been involved in a news story where you were there to see the event unfold? It could be an auto accident, a fight, a crime, anything like that. I found myself in such situations back when I was a cop. It didn't happen often, but it happened enough to realize the newspapers rarely got it all right. They would always leave out important details or make up stuff to fill in the blanks in their story. I always felt the reader wasn't getting the full story, resulting in them forming an opinion not based on the whole story. Whenever this happened, I would then look at every other story in the newspaper and wonder how much was left out in that story and how much was added. I now read the paper with a suspicious eye. The reader can only go with what he or she is given by the reporter. It's a pretty powerful position held by journalists.
And that's a memo.

OK, that's all I got. Do something with your kids this weekend.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Gretna, Nebraska, it's Spencer Lombardo
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER