" . . . and now, a man who made a side deal with the WNBA . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
IT'S TESTOSTERONE NIGHT! Sylvester Stallone, the Teutuls, and Bruce Willis on the same stage! That's a lot of beefcake!

During the pre-show Q&A, Dave caught sight of a woman in the audience wiping her glasses clean. Dave scolded her for doing that in front of him when she had all day to do it. Why now? And that explained the monologue joke about an item on his Bucket List: "Go to a TV show and clean my glasses."

Dave was somewhat bothered by what he saw last night on the National Geographic Channel. It had a guy who built a hippopotamus device which would allow him to get right up close to a dangerous hippo. Hippos are deadly dangerous and there is only one rule you need to follow when dealing with the obese beast: Don't go near it. But this guy did. He built a hippopotamus costume that let him creep right within their midst. It was nuts. I laughed because I saw the promo for it. I missed the show because I think "Idol" was on.

Sitting in with the band tonight on harmonica, Hollywood superstar Bruce Willis. Dave is very happy to have him here but why is he sitting in with the band? Bruce says it was either this or freezing his balls off on the WGA picket line.

Friday night is the opening of the big "Cloverfield" movie. A crazy monster goes nuts in New York City. How great is that? Not only is it a monster, but it's a crazy monster, and it goes nuts! We see a promo for the eagerly awaited thriller.
Announcer: (over frightening scenes of New York City being destroyed) "Some thing has found us."
Voice off-screen: "I saw it. It's alive! It's huge!"
Woman: "Do you know what that thing is?"
Soldier: "Whatever it is, it is winning."
Announcer: "On January 18th, experience the event that will change everything and behold a creature so horrifying it will take your breath away!"
Cut to the green Geico lizard: "Are those clams? I love clams."
Announcer: "'Cloverfield' --- starts Friday."

Lost photos of Abraham Lincoln's second inauguration were discovered yesterday in the Library of Congress' archives. All of the photos are fascinating, but one in particular has people talking.
We see a photo of Mr. Lincoln at his 2nd inauguration in 1865. It is our tall and lanky President standing tall and proud . . . and pantless. His holds his stovepipe hat to cover his privates.
Dave muses that Matthew Brady likely took that photo. Of course, I then looked up Matthew Brady. I found what I expected.
From the Wikipedia: Mathew B. Brady - (1822 - January 15, 1896), was one of the most celebrated 19th century American photographers, best known for his portraits of celebrities and the documentation of the American Civil War. He is credited with being the father of photojournalism

Have you seen the move, "The Bucket List?" Dave has and it has really inspired him. Recently, Dave made his own bucket list and crossed off the first time last weekend. It was exhilarating. Dave rubs his chin, which is the universal sign for a gliss and to go into a memory sequence. We cut to a scene and see Dave flying through the air skydiving. Dave exclaims, "This is exhilarating! I've never felt so alive!"
Suddenly, Paul Shaffer walks through the shot, right in front of Dave. Dave isn't skydiving at all.
Paul: "Dave, what are you doing?"
Dave: (yelling as if actually skydiving) "I've always wanted to pretend I'm skydiving!"
Paul: "Jackass." Paul exits.
Dave: "I'm like a bird!!!!"

Hungarian scientists have developed a device that can interpret the sounds of a dog's barking, and they say the technology could have some very useful applications in the future. We see this announcement.
Announcer:

"In a stunning technological breakthrough, scientists in Hungary have created a computer program that can decipher a dog's barking. The program is still in its earliest stages, but with a little more research they hope to use the same technology to decipher the inscrutable sounds made by other creatures."
We then see a clip of the President stammering an incoherent babble.
"A message from the National Message Council."

ACT 2:
All night long, Bruce Willis, Paul, and the CBS Orchestra rocked the house with some great rock and blues.

Dave can't let go of this guy with the hippopotamus device. Three things can happen when a guy infiltrates a hippo's lair in a hippopotamus device:
the hippo will ignore it.
the hippo will attack it.
after a couple drinks, the hippo will try to mate it.
This would all be fine if the guy admitted (Dave imitates the guy in a weaselly voice):
"Well, all my life I wanted to be a hippopotamus."

This is always exciting . . . it's the LATE SHOW PRIZE GIVEAWAY! Alan tells us what the audience could win tonight.
ALAN: "Thanks, Rocket. Everyone in our studio audience tonight will win one of three fantastic prizes:
-a Sharp 50-inch LCD TV! Enjoy your favorite movies and shows in dazzling high-definition!
-A Sony PlayStation 3! It's the cutting-edge video game system everyone wants!
-Or $1000 cash! Pay off debt or treat yourself to something special! It's up to you!" The scrim rises and we see Pat Farmer by the Late Show Prize Wheel. He gives it a spin and it goes round and round and round. Uh oh. It then catches fire. The Wheel bursts into flames. Pat sizes up the situation and immediately reports, "That's not good."
Seconds later, as if scripted, two crew members run in with fire extinguishers and two others with a big blanket to douse the flaming Wheel. Though the Wheel was lost, lives were saved.
Dave offers the bad news to the audience: "We'll have to try again another time."

TOP TEN: Signs a Police Officer Is Too Fat - A 500-pound New York City police officer filed for a line-of-duty when he fell in front of his doctor's office. A judge ruled against the claim, stating the injury was due to his "morbid obesity."
#8. Uses powdered sugar to dust for prints.
#3. His nightstick is a pepperoni ---- come on, people, that's ridiculous!

ACT 3:
SYLVESTER STALLONE: He's a two-time Academy Award nominee whose films have made more than 3 billion dollars at the box office. I know his Rocky and Rambo films may not be artistic masterpieces, but dang, they are sure entertaining. He recently finished his 6th Rocky movie, "Rocky Balboa." He wanted to give Rocky a decent goodbye. The film made lots of dough. Before "Rocky Balboa," Sylvester wasn't doing much. He says the only thing he did to keep busy was making potholders down in Miami. Dave was familiar with the potholders and praised the intricate artistry. Mr. Stallone has become quite good friends with the California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. That wasn't always the case. For years they were fiercely competitive; Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator vs. Rocky and Rambo. Once Arnold became Governor, he would invite Sylvester to some events and they became fast friends. They now meet almost weekly to sit around a
nd smoke cigars. Being the Governor of California, I'm sure they're smokeless cigars. The new "Rambo" film comes out January 29th. In this one, we find John Rambo living a simply life in the jungles of Thailand. He hasn't mixed with the general population in 20 years. Rambo, against his initial desire, is convinced in helping the locals vs. the savagery of the Burmese army. Stallone then adds commentary of the terribly violent conditions in Burma, describing it as the worst in the world. He wanted to expose that violence in this film. He feels he succeeded.
Dave's movie idea: Rocky goes on vacation with the family to Thailand. While there, he meets up with Rambo. Together, they save the world.
Stallone likes the idea, and immediately comes up with a working title: R&R.
Dave excitedly exclaims, "So you HAVE thought about it!"
Before saying goodnight, Dave invites Sylvester to join him and Bruce Willis later in the show to ride motorcycles down Broadway with The Teutuls. Dave brags, "We're gonna take on the folks from