" . . . and now, hard-drinking cosmonaut . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
I was backstage ready for my cue. I was scheduled to go on tonight. It could happen at any time. I was away from my usual viewing location during the first most of the show. Just before the show was to start, I was told I would probably go on in the ACT 2 during Fun Facts.

During the pre-show Q&A, a guy in the audience commented on Dave's suit; something to do with single-breasted vs. double-breasted. It made Dave a little nervous that a guy would notice . . . or care . . . about such a thing. Backstage, I notice things being put in motion about getting a suit jacket for the guy.

Senator Hillary Clinton has done so much campaigning lately that it's been taking a toll on her voice. But Dave heard her speak earlier today and he thinks she sounds fine.
We see a clip from that speech.
As she speaks, she sounds a lot like our head of security, the Chief William Delace.

Dave turns to the camera on his left: "Coming up, meet the goat who'll paint you van for $39.99. But don't be surprised if he eats your back seat. Later, on 'Action News'."

The New York Giants' last-minute win over the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl was the second-most watched program in American television history. It ranks up there with some pretty impressive company. We take a look at the top three.
106 million viewers; M*A*S*H series finale.
97.5 million viewers - Super Bowl XLII
94.3 million viewers - Larry King's first show back after being declared legally dead.

From there . . . . huh? . . . . an old guy, dressed as if Dave, says "Wow, that was something. Can you believe that? And now it's time for Great Moments in Presidential Speeches.

GREAT MOMENT IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "The temptation, of course, is for people to do the politically right thing. That's not my nature."

Back to Dave. He asks to see the shot of the old guy who introduced Great Moments. We see a still shot of the guy, and then we see a split screen of Dave and the guy. Dave laments, "We wanted to get an old old guy . . . we got an old old guy . . . and he still looks younger than me."

ACT 2:
LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
During Dave's reading of the list of fun facts, a seedy-looking guy shuffles in behind Dave. He gets Dave's attention and shows Dave two Super Bowl tickets he has up for sale. Dave isn't interested, pointing out that the Super Bowl was last Sunday. The guy, very entrepreneurial, shifts his ticket pitch to "Pro Bowl" which is scheduled for this Sunday. This catches Dave's ear and opens his wallet to make a purchase from the ticket scalper. Unfortunately, before the sale can go down the scalper notices an approaching law enforcement officer. The guy shouts in fear, "Heat!" and quickly scampers away. Dave, too, is frightened, not realizing until then just how close he was to breaking the law.

Yup, that was me. I was told I would go on after the 10th Fun Fact, including the real ones. I was told I would go on after the 10th Fun Fact, including the real ones. I had a stage manager inches away from me as I went over and over and over what I would do and say. As Dave is halfway through #10, I get my tap on the shoulder. This time, as opposed to last week, I did not take a step down to make the sale of the tickets. Last time I thought Dave blocked me when he got up and I stepped down. I haven't seen it yet but I asked the stage manager how this one went, specifically, if I was blocked by Dave. He said Dave got up but kept to the side to keep from being between me and the camera. I stayed up on the platform. As I yelled "Heat!" and ran off, I appreciated the amount of laughter from the audience. "Wow!" I thought to myself, "I must have done pretty good."
I'm a typical actor. When the applause is good, the actor takes the credit. When there is no response, the actor blames the writer. You'll never hear an actor who gets a really big laugh at the Academy Awards when making an award presentation say, "I just read what's on the teleprompter." He will, of course, say that when a joke bombs. Not till later do I realize that the audience reaction was due to Dave's reaction to my shout of "Heat!" I had nothing to do with it.

While the rest of the Fun Facts are being read, I hear plans for a jacket to be given to the audience member who made a clothing comment during the pre-show Q&A. It was to be given at the top of the next ACT. I suggest that perhaps, maybe, how about, what if I came out again behind Dave and held up the jacket and whispered, "Double-breasted." When Dave got up to pay I would once again yell "HEAT!" and drop the jacket as I fled. Dave would then give the jacket to the guy in the audience. It was thought to be a good idea until they realized who was giving the idea.

ACT 3:
Sue Hum gives the double-breasted suit to the guy in audience. Sue gets the guy's jacket in return. Sue goes through the pockets as she leaves the stage. When she pulls out some important papers, Dave tells her to give the papers back to the guy.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU WON'T BE WINNING A GRAMMY - The Grammy Awards are this Sunday night form the Staples Center in Los Angeles, to air LIVE on CBS at 8:00.
I was standing by in case they wanted to call me back out there. Another script was being drawn up. When I'm in costume, I don't go away that easy.
#2. Your album just went aluminum. . . . Hey-Ohhhhhh!

COLIN FARRELL: Mr. Super Cool enters wearing a fine looking fedora. I feel you have to be both super cool and super good looking to wear a fedora without people giggling. I wear a baseball cap. Colin Farrell is able to wear a fedora.
How did Colin like the Super Bowl? Colin was very happy for Eli Manning, especially since most New Yorkers wanted Eli's head on a plate earlier in the season. Although he enjoyed the game, Colin is still a real football fan at heart, meaning soccer. Who do Americans call it football if only two players can use their feet? Colin's dad and uncle played professional soccer but the burning desire to play the game wasn't passed on to Colin. Colin played soccer up to about 15, but then beer and girls got in the way. Ahh, the beer. There are lots of stories about his escapades, not all good. He's been to rehab and has been off the stuff for awhile now. Growing older and becoming a dad does that.
Colin's new film, "In Bruges" is a film about 2 hit men who are involved in a job that goes horribly wrong and they have to get out of London.
How exactly does a "hit" go wrong?
The hit men get out of town and end up in Bruges, pronounced