" . . . and now, industrial welder . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
It's America's fastest growing party sensation, Audience Show and Tell. When the Show and Tell was taking place, I and others were busy putting together a new Top Ten. I was only able to catch bits and pieces of the Audience Show & Tell.

1. Nelson Dudley - Cypress, California - retired college art professor. Dave mentions that Nelson is a good looking guy and must have impressed some of his female students. Nelson points to his wife sitting beside him and informs that she was a former student. BINGO! Dave was on it!
What's Nelson have for us tonight?
Show & Tell: years ago, he had lunch with Colonel Harlan Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame, and he has a photo to prove it. Nelson doesn't look all that unlike the Colonel and we put up a split screen of the two.
I mentioned this oddity the other day and I'll repeat it here. I was watching the TV and a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial came on. The music playing underneath the commercial: "Sweet Home Alabama." Does that make any sense? Kentucky . . . . . Alabama . . . ?

2. Andrea Lo - Los Altos, California - recent PhD graduate in biomedical engineering.
I see something on someone's notes that they discussed Wolverine facts. Not sure what that was about. Maybe she went to the University of Michigan. After this Wahoo issue is sent out, I'm going to check the tape.
What does Andrea have for us?
Show & Tell: Andrea can balance on one leg and pick up a wine cork with her teeth from the floor. We watch. Oh, to be young again. Afterwards, I tried that. I could barely bend over and pick up the cork with my hand!

3. Santiago Archila - Dublin, Georgia - PhD student in neuroscience. Neuroscience! Dave attempts to make a love connection between the two PhD's. Dave admires Santiago's name and says, "If I had a name like 'Santiago Archila' . . . . (c'mon, you should know what's coming next) . . . . If I had a name like 'Santiago Archila', you could all just kiss my ass."
Show & Tell: Santiago was a child actor and appeared in episode of the Hulk Hogan's series, "Thunder in Paradise." We see the clip. Hogan knocks over a team of attacking Cubans with a telephone pole. A woman and a 12-year-old Santiago run with Hogan to freedom.

And that was tonight's Audience Show and Tell.

ACT 2:
Dave is always happy when Regis comes to visit and over the years whenever we've asked him to do something, he's been more than happy to help out. And the marvel has been in the business for 51 years! 51 YEARS! We have a shot of Regis making it to tonight's show signing autographs as he enters the theater. We take a look at the clip . . . . Oooh, Regis looks pretty old before he gets to makeup.

TOP TEN: JANE FONDA EXCUSES - This morning on the "Today" show, Jane Fonda was on with Meredith Vieira when she said . . . . . well, let's take a look. It's been all over the YouTube today. The topic of conversation was the play entitled "The Vagina Monologues." Ummm . . . . . Jane explained she was from Georgia and . . . . well . . . instead of calling it "The Vagina Monologues," she used a different word than vagina. Gee whiz, here I am writing about a Broadway play, and "vagina" is considered a preferred word. Jane said the word you're not allowed to even think of when referring to that region. So instead of Dave trying to explain what happened on the "Today" show, we decided to simply show the clip instead. I'm not sure how you kids do it but if you Google "Jane Fonda" and "Today" show, you may find the clip on the YouTube.

TOP TEN JANE FONDA EXCUSES.
8. Katie Couric used to say it all the time.
6. Roker likes it when I talk dirty

As Dave is about to throw to commercial, Lyle the Intern sits by Dave.
DAVE: "I'm sorry, can I help you? Oh, you're Lyle."
LYLE: "Nah, man. Go on with your funhouse. I just need a moment. Just scored with the costume lady and Lyle's gotta take a breather."
DAVE: "Well, Lyle, we're in the middle of the show."
LYLE: "And a damn good one. Expect a lot of pats on the back when this ball drops."
DAVE: "Don't you have work to do?"
LYLE: "We're God's children. We all have word to do. Hey, we on for Saturday?"
DAVE: "I don't know what you're talking about."
LYLE: "You and I are going to head to the airport Marriott, chat up stranded passengers, make a little love connection. Some of them can be pretty desperate. Which reminds me; drink this."
(Lyle takes out a little brown bottle and pours the liquid into Dave's mug)
LYLE: "Friend of mine got it in Japan. Herbal. All nat-u-ral. Maybe it'll boost your yang. It'll drive your lady wild, or guy, or whatever you're into."
DAVE: "I think I'll pass."
LYLE: "Your loss, Dr. Zaius."
(lights a cigarette)
DAVE: "I don't think you can smoke in here."
(Lyle puts out cigarette in Dave's drink)
LYLE: "I'll do this for you. But now you owe me, and I'm going to collect."
DAVE: "Lyle, you probably should be going."
LYLE: "Oh, I'm going. I'm going to act like you didn't push me away. I'm going to pretend you appreciate what I'm trying to do for you. I'm going to break down your walls and get to the gooey cream center. Oh, I'm going. I'm gone."
(Lyle exits)
DAVE: "We really have to start screening these interns better."

That Lyle the Intern is creepy. I never ask him to get me a cup of coffee.

ACT 3:
There is a new marquee in front of the Ed Sullivan Theater. It reads, "Late Show starring Santiago Archila."

REGIS PHILBIN: Dave greets Regis center stage then takes a seat in the 2nd guest chair to sit beside Mr. Philbin. Dave and Regis chat from that position during the whole ACT 3. Regis is happy to be back at the Late Show but is not so pleased about the "Old Regis" entering the theater joke. He asks, "Is that humor?" Dave says it is, for us at least. And Regis is not all too happy about being the butt of a lot of monologue jokes these past few weeks. Regis has been keeping a check list and read 3 samples from recent shows?
-The Austria Supreme Court ruled a chimpanzee is not a person. If the U.S. Supreme Court agrees, REGIS loses his show!
-Magician David Blaine postponed his stunt to stay up for 13 days. He accidentally kept falling asleep while watching REGIS!
-Two guys wheeled their dead pal through midtown on an office chair to cash his social security check. The last dead guy in New York to cash a check was REGIS!
The audience loves it, so my guess is these jokes will continue.
Regis pines to double date with Dave; Regis with his wife Joy and Dave with Regina. Dining and dancing! Dave laughs at the thought. Dave then suggests, "How about this . . . you and I . . . we have Lyle get us some babes." Regis keeps urging and angling for a double date. Dave is less than enthusiastic. In fact, Dave is less than unenthusiastic. Regis persists. Dave looks at Regis. "You really want to go out dancing?" Dave gets up and takes Regis by the hand. Dave delicately walks Mr. Philbin on stage and they begin to dance cheek-to-cheek. So taken is Regis by the smooth-talker that he tries to steal a kiss from Dave . . . ON THEIR FIRST DATE! Dave recoils and throws to commercial.
When we return, Dave is back in his accustomed spot behind the desk. Dave mentions that this Sunday will mark 11 months since Regis' heart bypass surgery. The two then go into "old men talking about their surgeries" mode. The bypass surgery is a harrowing experience and I would imagine it's both comforting and exhilarating to find someone who shared the life-altering surgery. The talk of exercise and recovery soon depresses Regis. Dave astutely points out, "This is as good of time as any to talk of all matters pertaining to the heart." Oooh, nice return. The man's a genius.
Is Regis following the campaign? Does he have the candidates on his show? Regis says his show usually has them on when they announce their candidacy but that's about it. Dave understands; "Yeah, you need to save time for the soap opera stars." After some talk of steroids and baseball, Dave brings up Regis' new show coming to CBS, "Password." The two play a round of Password with Dave supplying the clue. DAVE: "Meow"
REGIS: "Chimpanzee . . . No No No . . . Cat."
Dave says he was looking for "kitty."
Will "Password" be on during the day? Regis scoffs. "Primetime! I can't waste my time in daytime!"
Dave thanks Regis for coming on the show, but Regis barks, "Excuse me, I'm not done yet!" Regis points to a photo on the edge of Dave's desk. It's Regis working the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards almost 30 years ago. He was the first to do it and he'll be back there again this year to show everyone how it's done. And that was Regis.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, join Dave as he welcomes NBA legend, Charles Barkley, and comedian Bill Burr. If you have to miss one Late Show this year, don't let it be this one! We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
DAVE: "It's time once again for "ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW"
-music from Paul; graphic; a sign behind Alan reads "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview"
ALAN (disgusted): "You got the name of the segment wrong, Dave."
DAVE: "I'm sorry? What's that?"
ALAN: "You got the name of the segment wrong."
Dave checks his blue card
DAVE: "No. It says it right here: 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"
ALAN: "That's what it used to be called. But you changed it to 'Dave Reams Alan' when you screwed me like a nine-fingered whore."
DAVE: "I . . . . I don't follow you."
ALAN: (mockingly) "I don't follow you. Save the tap dance, suckknob. You knew I worked my butt off to book this week's guest for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.' Here, let me introduce him; Mr. Regis Philbin."
(camera widens to reveal Regis Philbin sitting by Alan)
ALAN: "By the way, Dave. How does Regis' pancreas look?"
DAVE: "What are you talking about, Alan?"
ALAN: "I just figured you got a good look when you had your 'givl'ing head three feet up his ass. (mocking) Oooh, Regis, say you're my pal! Oooh, Regis, please love me! It was like watching Gelman."
DAVE: "Alan, that's not exactly how it went."
ALAN: "That's exactly how it went. You got a pencil? Then write this down, 'sdd'hole. You steal Big Red's thunder one more time and so help me. I'll rip your tongue out your head, tie it around your neck, and choke the holy 'djoy' out of you, you four-eyed prick." Turning to Regis.
ALAN: "Same goes for you, jackass."
Alan exits.
DAVE: "And that's Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview."

ACT 7:
JOSEPH ARTHUR: From his Spring 2001 CD, "Come to Where I'm From," Joseph Arthur performed "In The Sun." His next CD, "Could We Survive" comes out on March 18th.

And that was our show for Thursday, February 14, 2008.



Congress is much better off when the masses are left ignorant as to how they operate. I'd bet most sports fans are not aware of the workings in Congress. But when Congress comes into our field of expertise, like baseball, they reveal themselves to be self-serving fools who pretend to know when they don't, and who have little self-discipline.

Self-discipline? They have none. Why else would they cozy up to Roger Clemens for autographs and photos before his appearance before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee?

Pretending to know? They mispronounce the name of the baseball commissioner, are amazed that a player collected 300 hits in his career, asks what "uniform" Clemens will wear when inducted into the Hall of Fame instead of what "hat."

And then we have to wonder how dumb they are when they discuss stuff we know don't know much about, like Health Care; defense; campaign reform; and take your pick of anything else. They may sound smart, but they aren't. And that's their talent.

Self-serving? But what bothers me the most is what I'm hearing on the talk shows. It seems the Republicans were backing Roger Clemens on this issue and the Democrats were siding with his trainer, Brian McNamee. How . . . Why is this issue a party issue? There should be no party line here. Either the congressman leans towards Clemens or he leans towards McNamee. Party? It's not a Democratic issue. There's no Republican issue here. But yet, they attacked based on party affiliation. Republicans attacked McNamee. Democrats attacked Clemens. What? Obviously, politicians' first loyalty is to their party. Second . . . hopefully second, their loyalty is to the country.

And that's a memo. Did I make any sense or did I sound like an idiot? I can sometimes get away with this sitting at a bar, but when it's written and the reader has time to examine it with a sober head, I know I'm leaving my limited resources exposed.

I like Sir Paul McCartney but I find this divorce hearing with Heather Mills very entertaining. I don't get this Heather gal. She'll be rich beyond her wildest dreams whether she "wins" in this divorce case or not. Now she's just working on ruining her reputation.

What? There's been no Tony Mendez Show for months now? Why? What the . . . . .? You mean, I could have maybe . . . . . like, not have to . . . . you mean . . . . the Wahoo Gazette . . . . I did all this for nothing? Gee, whiz. If I thought The Tony Mendez Show was worth watching and it hadn't been done in months, I'd be pretty mad.
I didn't even know it was missing.

Hey, I just saw that Geico commercial with the caveman on the moving sidewalk in the airport. There was a time that this was on constantly, but I haven't seen it in weeks. And now it's back. I wonder why.

Bad news: It's being reported that CBS and ESPN will no longer use sideline reporters during NFL football games. That's a mistake. Who will tell us that a coach has told his team they need to play better? We'll be left in the dark without that valuable information.

Here's who I want as a guest on the Late Show . . . that Amish guy who invented the miracle fireplace heater that helps home heating bills hit rock bottom.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Mom and Dad McIntee, on their 55th wedding anniversary. Congratulations, kids.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER