COLD OPEN: Dressing room. Dave in chair looking in mirror. Jude reading the newspaper.
JUDE: "Did you hear the Pentagon set a date to shoot down that spy satellite?"
Dave smiles and mumbles, barely listening. Soon, it sinks in what Jude had said. Dave frantically jumps from his chair and screams, "Are you kidding me? We'll all be killed!" Dave runs away in trembling fear. Jude barely looks up from her newspaper.
JUDE: "What an idiot."

" . . . . and now, you know him as 'Titan' on 'American Gladiators' . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Someone's on the phone? Uh oh. Not that guy again . . . not that Lt. Easton guy. Nope, it's not. It's the new President of Cuba, Fidel's brother, Raul. We listen on the phone call. Raul Castro: "Hi, everybody, it's me, Raul, the brother of America's Favorite Commie! Set your phasers on 'fun.'" Dave isn't sure if that was really Raul Castro. Paul believes it was just a tape. Probably one of those robo-calls. Dave laments, "Once again we've been duped."

This week's beef recall has many Americans worried about the food they eat, so some restaurants are now addressing those concerns directly in their advertising. We have one example here.
Announce:

"This week, the government issued a recall of 143 million pounds of beef. So, if you're feeling hungry but you want to avoid tainted beef, come to the Hello Deli for a wonderland of other tainted meats to choose from. We've got tainted chicken, tainted pork, tainted fish, tainted lamb . . . we've even got tainted whatever-the-hell-this-thing-is! We don't know where it came from, but your kids are sure to love it!
The Hello Deli: No rules, just tainted meat!"

"Hillary Clinton's losing streak has now hit 10. Welcome to the club!"
Cut to shot of the New York Knicks logo.
"A message from the New York Knicks."

The presidential endorsements have been rolling in. Following former President George H.W. Bush's endorsement of John McCain, another prominent figure has also thrown his support behind the Senator. We take a look.
Announce: (Shot of Bush 41 endorsing McCain)

"John McCain would like to extend his sincerest thanks to former President George H.W. Bush for his endorsement on Monday. Senator McCain would also like to say thanks for the other endorsement he received that day (camera slowly zooms in on Barbara Bush), from professional wrestling legend Wladek 'Killer' Kowalski.
Killer Kowalski: Doing the hammerlock for America."

ACT 2:
Perhaps you've heard. Paul Shaffer has a brand new show on the VH-1. He got the idea from watching "Rock of Love with Brett Michaels" of Poison. Brett would go out looking for true love among models and strippers and strippers and so Paul thought, "Hey, how can I get some of that?" Paul then created "Paul Shaffer's Rock of Love" using the same premise as Brett Michaels. Dave asks, "Is your wife OK with that?" Paul says, "Well, she doesn't watch this show so it's unlikely she would watch that one."
Paul has a clip from his most recent show, "Paul Shaffer's Rock of Love," or "Rock of Love with Paul Shaffer."
We see Paul eliminating some beauties from the harem after going on dates. All look quite . . . . desirable. What makes one more desirable than the others is a personal choice. Paul eventually decides on his true love, but unfortunately, she got a better offer from Kid Rock. We cut to the woman sitting on the lap of Kid Rock, who mocks poor Mr. Shaffer. And that's how we play the game of love.

TOP TEN: Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse Dinner Party Tips.
And here to present tonight's Top Ten list, Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse.
#9. (Emeril): "Run out of cream? In a pinch you can substitute Martha Stewart's white semi-gloss paint."
#8 (Martha): "Before cooking, lick poultry to make sure it doesn't taste salmonella-y."
#3 (Emeril): "Wait until dishes have been cleared before telling guests, "You just ate monkey."
#2. (Martha): "Never let Jane Fonda make a toast."

ACT 3:
ERIKA JENSEN: She's the 2008 International Grocery Bagging Champion. We find Erika and Dave center stage standing behind two demo counters. On the counter are assorted grocery items evenly divided. We learn that Erika has worked at Macey's Supermarket in West Jordan, Utah for two-and-a-half years starting as a bagger and still bagging. And it's paid off as she is now the newly crowned champion. Her sister was the National Champ just a few years ago. This year's competition was held a few weeks ago in Vegas. Dave says other than the Super Bowl, the International Grocery Bagging Championships is the biggest gambling day in Las Vegas. When we say "International," how many other countries are we talking about? Erika says, "Just Canada." OK, I guess that makes it International.
Dave will be competing against Erika tonight in a Late Show Bagging Competition. Before they begin, Dave voices his opinion on the dreaded plastic bag. You don't really pack groceries into a plastic bag. With plastic, you're just wadding the groceries. There is no style to it at all.
We are about to start. Dave grabs two brown paper bags, one in each hand, and as he is about to pop them open with a snap of the wrist, I announce that Dave is going to do the Double Eagle! He performed the Double Eagle on our show back on March 2, 1998. Biff enters with a starting pistol. He fires the pistol to start the competition which startles Mr. Letterman. His alarmed reaction may have prevented him from performing the Double Eagle. Dave gets off to a slow start as Erika flew through her first bag. Dave quickly rebounded as soon as he started cheating. With a great comeback, Dave defeated the International Champ quite handily. I'm not sure if she ever discovered all the items Dave threw on the floor behind him.

ACT 4:
AMY SEDARIS: She has a new film coming out on March 7th entitled, "Snow Angels."
Amy's visits are always fun, but hard to capture. She's fun, she's fast, and she's over there and over here and then over there and back here all in a matter of seconds. She says she always misses the nice things Dave says about her before coming out because Biff is always getting in her ear about how he has to struggle week-to-week making ends meet on his meager salary.
She brings up a story Dave told a while ago about a woman at a 65th birthday family reunion whispering in Dave's ear, "I hate your show."
And Amy was once a grocery bagger herself, and yes, she hates the plastic bags too. Dave tells a story of the fun he had working at a grocery store. He came across a flattened Corn Flakes box with nothing in it. He opened it up, shoved a few corn husks in it, closed it up, priced it and put it back on the shelf.
What did Amy do during the writers strike? She picked up a tape on how to speak with a cockney accent. She admits to not being very good at it. She has the energy for it, but she can't do it. Of course, she demonstrates.
What's she doing for the Academy Awards? She plans to order a 6-foot hoagie and watch it at home. She invited Dave and Harry to come over and she'll order up another foot or two.
And she took up an interest in Egyptian Oils that didn't last long. What do you do with Egyptian Oils? She's really not that sure, but suggests it can't hurt to put it on your pulse points.
I laughed and made a note to use the term "pulse points" in a future conversation with my friend Matt Mulligan. He would be equally amused with "pulse points."
Amy then notices a cut on Dave's finger. How'd that happen? He says it's a hammer wound. During the strike, Dave spent a lot of time building a tree house. He's doing it without instructions; only using the blueprints inside his noggin.
And then we learn that Amy recently appeared in a Dolly Parton music video. We see a clip of Amy playing a crystal ball reader.
And that was the entertaining Amy. Her film, "Snow Angels," opens March 7th.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Thursday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Steve Martin, and a special Hand Shadows Performance by Raymond Crowe. TV Guide is already calling this episode 'the television event of a lifetime.' Don't miss it!
We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
FOO FIGHTERS: From their new CD, "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace," Foo Fighters performed "The Pretender."

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 20, 2008.



Barack Obama is the candidate for change . . . . except when it comes to changing the words from Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick's speeches.

My grocery bag story.
25 years ago I was in California staying at a friend's house for a week. I did all of the grocery shopping as a thanks for putting me up. At the grocery store checkout line the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic." I hesitated, then answered "Cash." She hesitated, then asked again. I again said, "Cash." She bagged my groceries and away I went. This same scenario went on all week. Not until my final day, my 5th visit to the grocery store, did I realize "Paper or plastic" meant paper bag or plastic bag. All week I thought she was asking, "cash or credit card."

You know what I really don't like? Store-bought ripped jeans. I saw some Hollywood starlet wearing ripped jeans in the newspaper yesterday. She's a walking lie. Ripped jeans should be earned, not bought. I used to wear torn jeans but they were torn by overuse. I earned those rips.

And now a new segment here at the Wahoo Gazette called, "Something You Don't Need To Know."
My calves are so big, the back of my jeans would rub against my calf and wear away to create a hole. I would get a hole on the lower part of the back of my jeans before I would get a hole in my knees. Yes, my calves are that big. Unfortunately, my biceps are twig-like.
This concludes, "Something You Don't Need To Know."

Ever hear the excuse, "It was human error." I have news for you . . . everything is human error. If a computer malfunctions, it's because of a faulty program or faulty wiring or faulty computer stuff. But the fault lies with the human who created it. The satellite in space that is falling back to earth: It's human error.
Human error . . . it's always human error.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Southern California, it's Steve Curtis.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER