" . . . . . and now, at large super delegate . . . . David Letterman."

ACT 1:
Before the show, Dave discovered another wardrobe malfunction. His pants felt a little snug. That's right, Dave, blame the pants. Dave said he could probably hold his stomach in for an hour but he ended up popping a button instead. The flying button killed an intern. (I hope not mine. Who's going to do my leg work?)

Here's something new. It's time for "Get To Know Your Australian Politicians."
Announce:

"Former labor leader Mark Latham accused Australia's previous Prime Minister John Howard and his administration of being a 'conga line of suckholes' to President Bush.
For more information on the 'conga line of suckholes,' visit your local library. Now that's a library! Oyyyyyy!"

From the skyline enters Johnny Dark appearing to be a Secret Service agent.
DAVE: "Oh, can I help you?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, I'm going to need you to stand up."
(Dave stands)
JOHNNY: "Now step away from the desk."
(Dave steps away. Johnny inspects under the desk.
DAVE: (questioning) "Excuse me, what is . . . "
JOHNNY: (terse) "Did I say speak?"
DAVE: "Uh, . . . no.
(Johnny finishes inspecting under the desk)
JOHNNY: "I'm going to need to see some identification."
DAVE: "My wallet's in my dressing room upstairs."
JOHNNY: (annoyed) "Raise your arms."
(Dave raises his arms. Johnny frisks Dave, adding a little goosing at the end)
JOHNNY: "You may sit back down, sir."
(Dave sits. Johnny speaks into his walkie-talkie hidden in his sleeve.)
JOHNNY: "All units, all units. 'Merv' is secure. Repeat: I have secured 'Merv.'"
DAVE: "Excuse me. John McCain was on the show last night. Why is the Secret Service still here?"
JOHNNY: "I'm not with the Secret Service."
Exits.

Did you see where Barack Obama went on one of those, "Hey, I'm just like you" visits to a local bowling alley? Well, what was thought to be a good idea may backfire. Barack rolled a 37. Some may not vote for him just for that reason. Such is democracy.
We see an announcement based on Senator Obama's bowling excursion in something called, "Bowling: The Sport of Presidents."
Announce:

"Through the years, bowling has proved to be one of the most popular sports among American presidents, from Richard Nixon (see Nixon bowling), who installed a bowling alley at the White House, to Bill Clinton, who originated the White House's first all-nude bowling night."
Cut to black; announce and crawl:
"Normally, this is where we'd cut to hilarious footage of naked people bowling. Unfortunately, 'Late Show' coordinating producer Kathy Mavrikakis won't let us use the
footage, so instead, please enjoy this video of naked people playing tennis." (We see a clip of two naked women playing tennis. I'm not sure of the score, but love came to mind.)
"This has been 'Bowling: The Sport of Presidents.'"

After that piece, Dave is concerned that we may lose our liquor license. Yeah, but it was worth it.

Have you been watching the HBO miniseries, "John Adams"? It's one of those programs I wish I had time to watch. For those, like me, who have not seen it, we compiled some highlights.
"Highlights of HBO's 'John Adams.'"
We see a montage of clips of John Adams coughing. If Paul Giamatti wins an Emmy for his portrayal of John Adams, I hope he mentions his coughing coach.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "America honors women like Ilena Kazu....Kazu...Kazulina, and her husband, Alexander Kazul...hummina hummina hum."

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Questions on the Job Application for New York Knicks President. Earlier today, Isiah Thomas was relieved of his duties as President of the New York Knicks.
#5. Can you transform this team from 'Laughing Stock' to 'Lovable Losers'?
#2. Do you have any friends who can play center, power forward, point guard, or shooting guard.

GEORGE CLOONEY: Dave says hello and then throws to commercial.

ACT 3:
GEORGE CLOONEY:
George Clooney was nominated for Best Actor this year (last year?) for "Michael Clayton" but lost out to Daniel Day Lewis, the "My Left Foot" guy who won for "There Will Be Blood." George had won before for Supporting Actor in "Syriana."
Oscar party
Dave says, "I would like to have your career. . . . but I can't. It's impossible."
George gives all the credit to drinking.
What's this about the Air Force landing on Clooney's front yard? Dave says he heard something about that. George laughs and tells the story of being home one night and was bombarded with helicopters and spot lights shining down on his house. He was worried that a killer was on the loose and may have hiding away in Clooney's guest house down the way. Thinking he was still Batman, George took a Louisville Slugger out of the closet and ventured outside to club the felon . . . alleged felon. It turned out not to be a killer on the loose at all. It didn't even involve his house. All the commotion was because his neighbor, Britney Spears, was being taken to rehab. Ooh, Britney Spears as a neighbor? I think I'd rather the killer on the loose.

George Clooney directed and stars in the new film, "Leatherheads," opening on Friday. It's about old-time football, back when the players played in leather helmets. The leather helmet made no sense to George, comparing it to be no more than a yarmulke made of leather. It provided no protection whatsoever. Yarmulke - - - - pigskin? Not a match.

ACT 5: Here's something of interest, it's Alan Kalter's "Where Are They Now?"
We see Alan at his perch. Sitting alongside Alan is famed celeb, George Clooney. ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. For five years, George Clooney was one of television's biggest stars, appearing weekly on NBC's hit drama 'ER.' But in 1999, he left the role that made him famous, never to be heard from again. So, where is George Clooney now? After an unsuccessful attempt at a film career, he quit show business and returned to his hometown of Lexington, Kentucky. A Keno addiction quickly exhausted his 'ER' savings, so he took odd jobs at a landscaper, bartender, and telemarketer, before landing steady work as an assistant manager at the Jiffy-Lube in nearby Lawrenceburg, where he lives today with his wife, Phyllis, and their four children, Lamont, Ruthie, Yvette, and Guy.
I'm Alan Kalter. Good night."
Alan exits. He isn't wearing any pants.
Dave apologizes to Mr. Clooney. Dave says he had no idea what that was about. Hopefully, George Clooney will be back.

ACT 6:
NORAH JONES: She stars in the new film, "My Blueberry Nights," which opens in select cities Friday. It's her acting debut. She also has a song on the soundtrack to the film, entitled, "The Story." As always, lovely.

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 2, 2008.



I always use the same joke when a pianist plays one of those big pianos on the show. The roof of the piano will be raised and I'll ask, "You know why they keep the hood of the piano up like that? It's to keep people from putting their drinks on it." But Norah didn't have the piano hood up. Why not? And what different does it make? Why do some people play the piano with the hood up and some play with the hood down? I loved her song, but I really wanted to go out there and put my drink on her piano.

Ben Bernanke fears we may be headed for a recession. Says money is getting tight. I think he's wrong. The way I see it is if there are so many nail salons on every street corner in America and they continue to flourish and expand, then, well, we still have a lot of discretionary income at our disposal and have nothing to worry about. When nail salons start to close instead of open, then I feel we'll be approaching a recession.

I went to Wahoo reader Tom Bruce's brand new website the other day. He's the author of the novel, "It Started With Chicken" and is the former WSKI Radio DJ of Vermont's "The Morning Messenger Oldies Rock Show." I was visitor #1994 to his site. Let's jack up that number! Who wants to be 2008? Better hurry! www.tom-bruce.com

Barack Obama bowled a 37 the other day. Ooooh, there goes the Milwaukee vote.

Last weekend, I attended the Tappan Zee's South Orangetown Middle School spring musical, "Annie Get Your Gun." Very entertaining. Those who participated are so much more talented than I ever was when I played high school football or wrestling or baseball. I highly recommend attending your local high school and junior high school production. You just might be surprised at the talented teens in your hometown. Of course, those in the lead are extraordinary. But what I like to do is focus on the kids in the background; those in the chorus; those who support. They are not in the spotlight, so when the attention is on the lead actress as she belts out a number, the secondary players are apt to pick their nose, yawn, scratch their ear, or look off in the distance in a sleepy daydream. I like that.
Your assignment is to attend your high school's spring musical and report back to me. I'll give them a deserved kudo.
Congratulations to the South Orangetown Middle School for a fine production of "Annie Get Your Gun" and to the music director and co-producer, Charles Yassky. Bravo.

If we're going to build a border fence along the United States/Mexico border, we should at least make it into a really really wide handball court while we're at it. Vote for Me in '08.

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