" . . . and now, NASA's fact-gathering robot . . . . . David Letterman.

ACT 1:
During the break, Dave and the family went to Paris for his birthday. Dave admits that being in such a sophisticated city such as Paris made him feel like a hick, a boob, a rube. He felt it . . . they knew it. One evening, Dave and the family went to the opera house in Paris. Dave paints a lovely picture describing the theater. Dave likes music, but also knows he knows nothing about music. So he found himself in the theater knowing nothing. Luckily, the piece, called "Ode to Napoleon," was in English. Dave thought this put him at an advantage.
The scene opens with a quintet of strings on the stage. It sounded awful. It was discordant and strident and if not at an opera house in Paris, Dave would have shouted "Turn it off!"
Off to the side on stage was a huge man sitting on a big block. He was dressed as a woman; in fishnets, high heels, corset, big blonde wig, lipstick, eyelashes. He began screaming in a rant. No rhyme, no reason. Then he began to undress. He took off everything right down to his underpants. And when he took off his makeup, it turned out he was actually applying to his face the colors of the French flag. He then puts on his pajamas and walks around the quintet on stage. His rant continues. And just when it seemed as if the screaming performance was about to reach its musical peak, it was over. The music stops. The curtain comes down. To put it mildly, Dave was confused. But those all around him shouted "Bravo! Bravo!"
After the story, this is what I wondered: What's the French word for "Punk'd"?

ACT 2:
Dave is talking about the show when he sees on his monitor the camera shot if off kilter. What's going on? Is something wrong? We cut to our cameraman, Dave Dorsett. He is seated at a desk by the camera. On the other side of the desk is a man in a suit looking through papers and tapping away at a calculator. Says Dorsett: "Sorry, Dave. I just remembered my taxes are due tomorrow. I'll be done in a few minutes."

TOP TEN: Ways Trevor Immelman's Life Has Changed Since Winning the Masters.
South African Trevor Immelman won the 2008 Masters Golf Tournament this weekend, finishing 3 strokes ahead of 4-time champion Tiger Woods. Although Trevor was in the lead all day, you couldn't help but keep an eye on Tiger Woods. Dave says, "Tiger Woods could be 40 shots back on the back nine and you'll still say, 'He's got a shot.'" It's true. I fully expected him to shoot a 1 on a par 5 to get right back in it.
And to present tonight's Top Ten List, Masters Champ Trevor Immelman. He's dressed in all black.

Top Ten Ways Trevor Immelman's Life Has Changed Since Winning the Masters:
10. I've been elevated from "Unknown" to "Obscure."
9. Thanks to the Prize Money, I no longer have to buy generic root beer.
8. Suddenly I don't look so foolish for trademarking "Immelmania"
7. I'm BFF's with Lauren and Heidi from "The Hills"
6. President Bush called to congratulate me on winning Wimbledon.
5. When my caddy recommends a club, I can say "Excuse me, how many Masters have you won?"
4. Invited to Masters Winners Week on "Jeopardy"
3. I get a lifetime supply of them little pencils
2. Guess who's playing 36 holes with the Pope this weekend?
1. Get to put your arm around Tiger Woods and say, "Maybe next year."

ACT 3:
AL PACINO: Dressed in all black. It's his first time here in 6 years. Dave says he finds himself clicking through 100 channels on the TV looking for anything. He says whenever he comes to an Al Pacino movie he always stops. Does Al do that with any actors? "NO!" Al Pacino snaps. Al, of course, is joking. He admires many of the actors of today and yesterday . . . . but doesn't mention any by name.
Dave asks about some jobs he held while trying to make it in the business. Pacino worked as an usher at a movie house right around the Ed Sullivan Theater many years ago. As an usher, many times people would come up to him and says, "Here, this is for you." It usually was nothing more than a used match. Tips weren't all that common. It was here that Al first experienced a three-way mirror; one of those that panel out so you can see your profile. Pacino says, "I saw myself for the first time in my life in three-quarters . . . in profile." Stunned, he didn't recognize himself. "I didn't know that guy existed," he admits. Al couldn't stop looking at himself. The manager of the theater didn't like that. "Please don't do that," he snapped. Since he said 'please,' Al was willing to try. But he couldn't help it. He would look at his profile constantly. And then the manager came walking down the steps of the theater and caught Al doing it again. Without breaking stride, the manager fired Al Pacino on the spot.
Halfway through the second Al Pacino segment, I realized I had to get ready for the batting demo with David Wright. I don't know how I almost forgot. I left to put on "the tools of ignorance" and to loosen up out on 53rd St. I missed the rest of Pacino.

Al Pacino's new film, "88 Minutes" opens this Friday, April 18th.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Kelsey Grammer, actress Kristen Bell, and musicians Rogue Wave. Call the cops! It should be illegal to have this much fun!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
DAVID WRIGHT: I missed the interview. I was outside hoping I could squat for 5 minutes.

ACT 7:
David Letterman on the mound. David Wright in the batter's box. Mike McIntee behind the dish. Dave came out first and threw 10 or so warmups during the commercial break. When the camera was on, Dave grooved one for D.Wright who clobbered it deep to center. I was ready to quit right there. It wasn't going to get better than that. Letterman was on his game as pitch after pitch split the plate. D.Wright did what a good hitter is supposed to do when a pitch is served up like that. He smacked it. And Dave did what any pitcher would do when he is being abused by the hitter . . . . . he came in tight to brush back the hitter. Not expecting it, D.Wright couldn't avoid the pitch and got nailed right in the back. And what did I do? I was thisclose to jumping up and holding back David Wright to keep him from charging the mound. My mind said "GO!" My legs said, "Let's wait and see." Just as my legs were about to respond, I saw that Dave was already reaching in to his bucket of balls to throw another one. I stayed behind the plate. Plus, if I jumped up to stop D.Wright from charging the mound I knew the all the pitchers in the bullpen would empty out to join in on the fracas, and you know how much I hate that. But looking back, I think I should have gotten up and pretended to stop Wright. Oh, well . . . Maybe in October when we have Joba Chamberlain on the show to pitch to Dave after the Yanks win the Series.
Dave throws another pitch and D.Wright gets another hit. And that was it. If not for the fine fielding play by Masters Champ Trevor Immelman in centerfield, David Wright would have batted a thousand.

And that was our show for Monday, April 14, 2008.



Upstairs after the show, guys were still envious of the Mets 3rd baseman and the women were still swooning. Me, I was rubbing my legs. For the first time in my life I realized where my haunches are.

Here's something odd. Earlier today, protesters tried to burn the Olympic torch. They only partially succeeded.

Last Monday's NCAA Basketball Championship game started at 9:21 PM. It was too late for my daughter Danielle, a big basketball fan, to even watch the opening tip. And on principle, I decided not to watch it either. Sorry, CBS. Sorry, NCAA. Not interested.

Big golf news today . . . no, no . . . . nothing about the Masters. Down in Houston, Texas, New York's Ramapo High School alums Jack McIntee and James Capra handily defeated the Pirates of Pearl River team made up of Jim McLiverty and Neil Kuhn in their annual golf outing. Afterwards, both teams were invited to attend a Bruce Springsteen concert at the Houston Toyota Center from the sky box hosted by Hollis Miller. Free booze, free food, incredible seats. Not a bad day.
Makes my story of playing baseball with Dave Letterman and David Wright seem kind of empty.

Two things on televised sports really bugged me this weekend. Saturday afternoon, I reclined on the sofa to watch the Yankee/Red Sox game. The BoSox were leading by a run in the top of the 9th inning. Due to a rain delay, the game was running way long and it was now in danger of running into the start of a NASCAR race, also contracted to be broadcast on FOX. How can FOX show both the end of the game and the start of the race? Can't. FOX is hoping the game will be over in time to show the race in its entirety. The first Yankee batter in the 9th strikes out. The second batter fouls off pitch after pitch after pitch and he too eventually strikes out. I was smiling picturing the FOX execs who were watching the game and praying for a quick end so they could switch over to the race before it began. It was getting real close. With two outs, Yankee 2nd baseman Robinson Cano is up. Robinson starts fouling off pitch after pitch. Paplebon works carefully and the count goes full; 3 balls, two strikes. Paplebon looks in for the sign on the payoff pitch and . . . . . . . . FOX switches over to NASCAR. DOHHHHH! It's Heidi Bowl II! I jump up and look under me for the remote. I must have sat on it and changed the channel by accident. But I see the remote is on the snack table. What happened? Oh, no, FOX switched to the race on a full count, two outs in the 9th. And they didn't even switch over to catch the start of the race. The race was already in lap 2. How stupid. I race through the channels to look for the FX Channel which picked up the game. By the time I find it, I see the Red Sox had won.
FOX could have done one of three things.
Stay with the baseball game - baseball fans are the winners.
Switch to NASCAR in time to see the START of the race. - NASCAR fans are the winners.
Switch to NASCAR before the end of the baseball game but after the start of the race. There are no winners.
FOX chose #3. I would have accepted either #1 or #2. A contract is a contract. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have understood. Choosing #3 made no sense.

And then I'm watching the MASTERS on Sunday on CBS. It kept looking like Tiger might make a charge for the lead but his putter wasn't working that afternoon. By the time Trevor Immelman hits the green on the 18th hole, it's a given that he will be the Masters champion. As he walks down the fairway, the ovation from the crowd in Augusta begins to swell. The camera catches this special moment as it focuses on Trevor. We then see him make a slight wave to his right calling for someone to come over. I suspect he is calling for his golf partner for the day, 3rd place finisher Brandt Snedecker, to join him on this walk so he too can drink in the applause on both their surprising finishes. It was a very nice gesture by Trevor Immelman. And then just as we are about to see who is to join Trevor, we get a cut-away shot of Trevor's family in glee as they wait for the inevitable. DOH!!! The director missed the story the camera was writing. Who was Trevor calling to join him? Later in a replay, we see the two, Trevor and Snedecker, joining and back-slapping with big grins as they walked the fairway on that final hole. It was nice to see on tape. It would have been better to see LIVE.
My guess as to what happened: The director sits in front of a bevy of monitors, each showing what each camera sees. He or she decides on the camera to go to for the home viewer to see. While he was scanning the other monitors for the next shot, he missed the slight wave by Trevor for Snedecker to join him. We saw it at home. The director missed it. If that's what happened, then there needs to be some sort of safety net to prevent that.
But as always, unless you're in the control room, you really have no idea. It's just my guess. I could be totally wrong.

Happy Birthday goes out to former Sioux Falls Canaries Baseball Sports Display Manager, from West Lafayette, Indiana, Chris Prendergast. It was his big day on Friday, April 11th. An update on Chris:
-Will soon be graduating from Purdue University for the second time, first in Computer Graphics and now with an MBA degree.
-After graduation, he plans on returning to his hometown of Sioux Falls, SD to be a full-time freelance graphic designer.
-Freelance means that no one will hire him right now, and he'll have to do freelance design work until the situation changes.

We at the Wahoo Gazette look forward to next year's Chris Prendergast Update.

Hey, don't forget to watch the 11:00 Tuesday night news. It's that time once again for reporters to go to the local post office to interview the last-second tax filers. Oh, what fun!
"Back to you, Jim."
"Ha ha ha, thanks, Betty."

Yawn. Oh, yeah, almost forgot . . . . the Tony Mendez Show is back.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It was his 50th birthday on Sunday, Happy Birthday Howard O. Godnick
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER