" . . . and now, bespectacled bow-tie wearing historian . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Someone from the audience brought up the Indianapolis I-465 Expressway that Dave hoped would be renamed after him. Years ago, Dave suggested it be called, "The Dave Letterman Bypass" after his procedure and his being Indiana's favorite son. Someone could ask, "How do I get to the airport?" and you could say, "Get on the Dave and go 5 miles." His plea fell on deaf ears. But now he's heard the I-465 IS going to be renamed . . . . named after Indiana United States Senator Dick Lugar. But Dave already sees a problem with that. Now if someone asks, "How do I get to the airport?" . . . . . . . can you see the problem . . . . . you'd have to say, "Get on the Dick . . . . . ."

I have a problem with buildings, bridges, and roadways being named after politicians. I never liked it. They're public servants. Their accolade can be found in their weekly paycheck. I'm waiting for some major structure to be rightly named, "Taxpayer Stadium" or "Taxpayer Bridge." That's the way it should be. A politician merely takes our money and decides how to spend it. It costs him nothing.

Last week, the head of the Associated Press referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Barack Obama's camp is amazed that people are still confusing him with the terror mastermind. To finally clear up any confusion, the Senator released this message.
Art card: "Obama vs. Osama"
Announce:

"Barack Obama was the first African-American head of the Harvard Law Review.
Osama bin Laden funneled money to the Mujahidden during the Afghan war.
Barack Obama is a United States Senator and the frontrunner for his party's nomination for president.
Osama bin Laden is the founder of the jihadist organization, known as al-Qaeda.
Barack Obama loves mini egg rolls, popsicles, and 'Lost.'
Well, so does Osama.
This has been 'Obama vs. Osama.'"

When Dave is about to go on to the next order of business, he notices the picture on his monitor is all screwed up. It's changes from color to color and then stops on green. A confused Dave finally realizes what's up.
DAVE: (to cameraman Dave Dorsett): "I was going to ask you why my camera is green but I bet you're doing that to remind everybody today is Earth Day."
DORSETT: "Uhh, no. I just always wondered what these little knobs were." Dorsett fiddles with the knobs on the side of his camera and the shot of Dave changes from green to red to purple to yellow. Dave the host says that's enough.

Jenna Bush is getting married on May 10th. That's very nice, and we've leaned that the White House has put together an instructional video for the groom. We watch the video.
Announce:

"So, you're marrying a Bush daughter?
Congratulations, you're joining the greatest political family since the Kucinich's. Here's some tips.
Barbara Bush is proud of her latest diet, so make sure to compliment her figure. (photo of Barbara Bush in a bikini)
When making small talk with the President, try to avoid any areas that might annoy or depress him, such as Iraq, the economy, his failure to watch Osama, the environment, the anemic approval rating, Iran's burgeoning nuclear weapons program, North Korea's nuclear weapons program, and his general stupidity. Finally, don't get your hopes up for a wild wedding night, because unfortunately Jenna has gotten all her honeymoon tips from Condoleezza.
The Bush Family: When it comes to failure, we're a dynasty."

"It's the toughest job in the world. You need to be ready for anything, especially now with two wars, oil prices skyrocketing, an economy in crisis. Harry Truman said it best: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Who do you think has what it takes?
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message."

ACT 2:
Just before the start of Small Town News, something was misplaced and was desperately needed. I scurried to look here and there. It was not here. It was not there. Eventually, it was decided that the lost item wasn't needed. But by that time, I had missed the Small Town News.

SMALL TOWN NEWS
-A circular for Ollie's Bargain Outlet (Butler, Pennsylvania): "Cosco Garden Wheelbarrows closeout. Dirt not included."
-The Feather River Bulletin (Quincy, California): "Free: Take my roosters, please!"
-The Waxahachie Daily Light (Waxahachie, Texas): "Phone system. Our old phone system has been replaced and we have approximately 30 phones and phone switchbox. The system can be seen at 200 West Marvin. Please, no phone calls."
-The Sylva Herald (Sylva, North Carolina): A local event: "Yarn tasting"
-The Jones County News (Gray, Georgia): "Senator Johnny Isakson (left) joked with the crowd and Chamber of Commerce President Doc Eldridge about having similar ties."
-The Star Tribune (Minneapolis, Minnesota): "Suspicious person. Police received a report of an 80-plus-year-old woman peeping into a neighbor's window."
-The Observer Reporter (Washington, Pennsylvania): "Seinfeld unhurt in car rollover." And then down below on the same page: "Need a car? Call Mr. Jerry."
-The Austin American-Statesman (Austin, Texas): "3rd Chimp Escapes." The headline is next to a photo of President Bush.

ACT 3:
HELEN HUNT: Helen is the mom of a soon-to-be four-year-old daughter. Big birthday party planned? No. Helen has always kept things very simple and minimal and her daughter would be happy with a ball of yarn. Has she ever seen mommy on TV? No. In fact, Helen keeps her daughter from watching TV. She hopes to protect her from the onslaught of TV media and free of the likes of Dave and herself. Dave admires that but knows that someday the worlds will collide and she'll have to learn about TV and perhaps wonder why she's missed out. Helen says she'll worry about that when it comes. Ah, yes, my kind of parent.
What does Helen do in her free time? She's taken up surfing. Well, she's sort of taken up surfing. Her boyfriend loves to surf and Helen likes to watch . . . but, yes, she has tried a bit of it herself. She would like surfing more if she didn't have to get wet and cold and didn't have to deal with the rough waves and the sharks. Sharks? Yes, she and her boyfriend were out sitting on the boards a while back, legs dangling over the side. Helen was concerned about sharks. Her boyfriend told her sharks only come around at dusk. And he said a shark wouldn't attack when there is more than one person around. They like to attack on a solo. This comforted her somewhat. But that comfort quickly disappeared when she saw a huge fin appear on the surface. She alerted her boyfriend who assured her it wasn't a shark and was probably a simple fish. And then she saw it again . . . and he saw it too. When she looked back at her boyfriend, he was slowly lifting his feet onto his surfboard. They took the next wave in.
Another time when her boyfriend was surfing, Helen watched from the safety of shore. When he came out of the ocean, he stepped on a spiny sea urchin. She recalls somewhere that stepping on a sea urchin could be dangerous. She also recalls that peeing on such a wound is a remedy. She quickly called 911 for poison control. At the same time she was preparing her bladder. In a panic, she blurts into the phone, "My boyfriend's been bitten by a sea urchin!" The guy from poison control immediately responds, calmly, "Don't pee on it." Why pee on a sea urchin wound? I don't know, but I sort of recall something like that being spouted on "Survivor." (Is "Survivor" still on?)
Helen's new film, "Then She Found Me" has been 10 years in the making. She co-wrote it (adapted from a novel), stars in it, and she directed it. Dave calls it a lovely piece of work. It is funny, touching, and dramatic. It opens Friday in selected cities.

ACT 4:
CHRISTOPHER "MAD DOG" RUSSO: Chris enters energetically and excitedly exclaims, "How is my man!"
Before things can get rolling, Chris mentions last night's Late Show guest Billy Crystal. Chris doesn't get all the hoopla over a 60-year-old man playing baseball with the Yankees. Dave explains that there is not a man alive who doesn't wonder how they would do against major league pitching. Chris doesn't buy it. Not interested. Who cares? Crystal is 60 years old!
The very excitable "Mad Dog" leads Dave to wonder, "Do you ever worry that in the middle of the night your wife would smother you with a pillow?"
While growing up, Dave's team was the Cincinnati Reds. Those Reds teams of the mid-70s were some of the best ever in the history of the game. Dave says he would listen to all 162 games on the radio, in addition to pre-season and post-season games. Announcing the Reds games were Joe Nuxhall and Al Michaels. Dave admits he became spoiled by such professional announcers. Hearing this, I got excited. I hoped this was going where I thought it might. Dave continues, "And then I came to New York City . . ." YES! Dave is going to bring up the subject! And then Dave says he came to the great New York City . . . . to listen to the Mets and Yankees announcers. YES! Russo talks about the Mets lead announcer and praises him for his knowledge of the team (note: Russo is on WFAN; WFAN also carries the Mets). I have no problem with the Mets announcers. They're fine. Russo then gets to Yankee announcer John Sterling. Chris says if you like the theatrics, if you like the peppiness, Yankee announcer John Sterling is your guy. If you want the nuts and bolts, he's not your guy. WRONG, RUSSO! A baseball announcer can deliver both theatrics and nuts and bolts. What I don't want is fiction, and that's what John Sterling delivers. And then we went to commercial. Dang. I hoped the conversation about the Yankee announcer could have gone on for another 45 minutes.
What do we have to look forward to with the New York Yankees this year and Hank Steinbrenner, son of George? Chris says Hank does not know baseball but he has a lot to say. He's full of bluster. Oh, boy, that makes for some great entertainment. Dave likes Hank because he likes to smoke.
The Mets? The Mets were in Philadelphia last weekend and the fans there are a mess. Men fans who travel down to Philly are constantly attacked. Dave blames it on the alcohol and blames Major League Baseball for the alcohol. Serving booze is too profitable to get rid of, so the problems will persist.
And that was Christopher Russo. He's on WFAN on the radio and the YES network on cable TV. And although I'm new to this, you can listen to his radio program WFAN on your computer.

ACT 5:
Announce: The Pope . . . . meets the Dope . . . Tune in when Tony spends the day with His Holiness in an all-new Tony Mendez Show!
(Not affiliated with the Vatican or the Roman Catholic Church. The Pope is not the actual Pope, it's just a guy wearing a Pope costume.)
The Tony Mendez Show!
(at www.lateshow.com/lateshow)

ACT 7:
KATHLEEN EDWARDS: From her new CD, "Asking for Flowers," Kathleen Edwards performed "The Cheapest Key."

And that was our show for Tuesday, April 22, 2008.



Congratulations, Hillary, for winning Pennsylvania. Looks like another few weeks of great entertainment. Oh, and don't forget, you're still working for New York.
And Barack, your paycheck comes from Illinois.
McCain, Arizona is signing your checks.
You know, maybe we only need one United States Senator from each state instead of two. We've been doing fine with just one for 15 months now.

I've been thinking of taking my daughter Danielle on a trip to Baltimore to take in a Yankee game. Sunday August 24th looks good. It's a Sunday day game starting at 1:00 PM. We'd take Amtrak out of New York and arrive in Baltimore a little over two hours later. We'd watch the game, spend some time along the Harbor, and then take Amtrak back to New York that evening. It would be a fun adventurous day. BUT . . . . . . then I'm thinking about Major League Baseball's penchant to switch Sunday day games to a night game for the benefit of ESPN. What would happen if I placed my reservation for tickets to the game and Amtrak and then have MLB pull the switcheroo? I'd be stuck. Now I'm thinking I won't do it. Oh, well, it was a good idea but I'm not sure I'm willing to risk it. Thanks, Bud Selig.

CBS News is losing in the ratings and seemingly doesn't know what to do. They tried going fun and friendly when they hired Katie Couric but that hasn't worked. Those loyal to the business of TV news have complained how it is now a ratings game and the networks are not in it for news. The news we now find on ABC, CBS, and NBC is left wanting. Network TV News pales against the cable news shows that run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The fact that we mistake commentary for news is another story. But you can't beat a network signal.
I think CBS should go entirely in a different direction. Go with hard news, promote it, and mean it. And don't be nice about it. Accuse Americans of being ignorant and dare them to learn. Get rid of the fluff. Go hard news. And each week during the final 5 minutes of the evening news, concentrate on one topic and teach the viewer "all" there needs to know. Take a topic and explain it at a 6th grade level for 5 days. Why a 6th grade level? Because by the time Americans are ready to learn about, say, the Middle East, we are so far behind what is being reported. We can't catch up. None of us understand. It's like deciding to learn about baseball and the teacher starts with the infield fly rule. No, we have to go back to the step one, chapter one. Heck, I think it would work as a half-hour show. Monday night: Learn how oil from the ground ends up as gasoline in our tank. Next Monday - the Electoral College. The Monday after - Super Delegates. The Monday after that - China and Tibet. Most of us pretend we know what we're talking about. Very few of us do. I'm of the former. I'd watch. I'm tired of being dumb.

Hey, here's nothing. The National League Standings . . . .
-the West is led by the Arizona Diamondbacks ----- Senator John McCain.
-the Central is led by the Chicago Cubs ----- Senator Barack Obama.
And here comes the part that makes it "nothing" . . .
-the East is led by the Florida Marlins . . but the New York Mets (Senator Hillary Clinton) are right behind them in 2nd.
Give me some time. I'll make it something.

Cheyenne Diner Update: The old-fashioned rail-car-style diner found at 33rd and 9th for over 50 years closed down last week. Well, it's been given new life! The diner has been bought and will be moved to Brooklyn. Good news for the Cheyenne and Brooklyn. Not so good news for 33rd and 9th.

Here's something new. Last week, I checked out the 5th day of the 5-day weather forecast I was curious to see how accurate it would be.
From Thursday April 17th, the 5th day of the 5-day forecast predicted the following:
Tuesday: Mostly sunny. Highs in the upper 60s and lows in the low 50s. And what was the actual weather?
High of 70; low of 48. It was mostly sunny. DING! Close enough.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Osage, Arkansas, it's Kerry Kerstetter
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER