" . . . and now, Barbara Walters' hunky pool boy . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Gas has become so expensive. It's $14 a gallon by where Dave lives. He has to buy it by the glass. But there is somebody out there always ready to make the best of a bad situation. Dave was shocked when he saw this at the toy store today.
He holds up a Fisher-Price "My First Gas-Siphoning Kit" just for kids. It comes with a helpful DVD. Dave isn't sure we're sending the right message to the kids.
Back in the 70's during the last gas crisis, gas siphoning became a problem. Many cars from that time had locks on their gas caps and/or on the little door to the gas tank. If the price of gas goes too much higher, I wouldn't be surprised to read about a plethora of punctured gas tanks perpetrated by the criminal element to pilfer the expensive petro.

It was quite a day here in New York City; a summer day in spring. We take a look outside to see just how hot it was. Out on Broadway we take a look at the Ed Sullivan Theater marquee, and right before our eyes, the marquee melts! How about that?! The whole thing melted. Hmmm, was it really that hot out? Not really. It may have been a tad warm for an early June day, but was it a scorcher? No. I'd have saved this for when the temp reached the high 90s.

While Dave proceeds to the next line of business, he notices a space alien lurking behind him in the window. Dave shoos it away. I saw the eerier and creepy space alien on Larry King the other night. Oops, I'm sorry, that WAS Larry King.

Dick Cheney got in a little trouble for telling a joke about West Virginia yesterday, so tonight we're presenting a segment called, "Dick Cheney: Comedic Genius."
Cheney, yesterday: "I had Cheney's on both sides of the family, and we don't even live in West Virginia." (laugh track; comedic sound effect; graphic: "Veep-sterical!" More Cheney cracks: "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." (laugh track; comedic sound effect; graphic: "Cheney-riffic!")
More Cheney: "There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction." (laugh track; comedic sound effect; graphic: "Dick-larious!"

And if you're keeping score at home, yes, that last one was "Dick-larious."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "How many kids do you have? 3 kids? 4 kids. . . . 3 kids! I don't know why I asked that. . . . . OH! I know why I asked it!"

ACT 2:
Suddenly, music from Paul. Entering is Billy Crystal . . . with a pony. I "Played the Dave" and said of the pony, "Oh, hey look, a numnah." BUZZ. No such luck. Dave made no mention of the numnah.
Billy sits by Dave with his pony.
DAVE: "It's nice to see you, Billy, but what are you doing here?"
BILLY: "The last time I was here you said I could stop by anytime I want."
DAVE: "Yes, I did say that, but tonight's show is packed. I really don't mean to be rude, but you're going to have to leave."
BILLY: "Well, before I go, can you plug today's release of the 'City Slickers' Collector's Edition DVD, which features audio commentary, several fascinating 'making of' featurettes, and hilarious never-before-seen deleted scenes, all presented in breathtaking deluxe widescreen?"
DAVE: "No."
Billy exits with his pony. Before exiting, he turns to Dave and says, "And the pony was for Harry."

During the back and forth, the pony whinnied without being cued. Very funny reaction from Mr. Crystal and Dave.

TOP TEN: Things overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters
#9. "Hillary is changing into her concession pantsuit."
#6. "Did you hear. . . the marquee melted on Letterman!"
#2. "It's not the end. You can always get fat and make a global warming documentary."

ACT 3:
JULIANNE MOORE
Julianne, a redhead, had to go blonde for a recent film. She thought that it would be a real shock to friends, and she also thought no one would now recognize her. Turns out she became more visible. Much to her surprise, she got a lot of, "Hey, it's Julianne Moore!" while walking down the street. An elderly neighbor came right up to her and scolded, "What did you do to yourself?" And she found the old belief is true; that blondes do get more attention from men, though it's not always the kind of attention you want. One guy stopped her in the street late at night and said, "Could you carry my beer?" He wanted her to carry his six-pack of beer. This never happened to her before so she attributes that to her going blonde.
The next day she was stopped by a guy who said, "Baby, you smell good. You know what you smell like? You smell like you and me making love." Two things about this that didn't quite ring true to Julianne:
1. he was too far away to know what she smelled like.
2. what would that smell like?
Again, this never happened to her before and blames it on the blonde hair.

Julianne is a mom to a 10-year-old son who is curious about puberty and sex. It's natural and Julianne tells him that if he has any questions he should feel free to ask and that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. She tells him that he can ask about a "bad word" and she'll explain it the best she can. So he takes her up on it. As he is about to ask, Julianne is terrified it'll be something like "fellatio." In her head she is trying to think of the best way to explain it. And then he asks, "What's mooning?' Julianne gasps a huge sigh of relief and gushes, "MOONING! That's fantastic!" She goes on to explain mooning and pressed ham with glee, relieved that she didn't have to do the same about fellatio.
And the other day her daughter was in the back of the car and wanted Julianne's attention. Not only did she want Julianne's attention; she wanted eye contact. Making direct eye-contact with someone in the back seat while you're driving is not easy, so Julianne pulled over and turned to her face-to-face. Her daughter didn't have anything to say but only wanted mom to see that she had placed two magnets on each side of her nose. The magnetic pull enabled the magnets to stay in place. Julianne give the magnets to Dave so he can try. Dave puts the magnets up to his nose, looks into the camera and says, "Hi, let's talk about fellatio." Big laugh. I quickly marked that down in my log, under "Special".

Julianne's new film, "Savage Grace," opens June 13th in selected cities. She says it's not funny, but is wildly entertaining.
Julianne Moore - very good guest with good stories. And she can change direction when needed. Very nice job.

ACT 4:
ARNOLD FELDMAN - The 2008 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee champion. He enters and stands in front of a floor microphone centerstage. During the Q&A, Dave seems surprised that the young Feldman is 31 years old. Dave will give some words to Arnold who will then spell them like the champion he is. The first word: "Fellatio." Dave laughs it off. It's just a joke. The actual word is "Dentifrice."
Arnold: "May I have the definition?"
DAVE: "It's a noun. A powder, paste, or liquid used in cleaning teeth."
Arnold: getting nervous - "Can you use it in a sentence?"
DAVE: "John decided to use a dentifrice containing baking soda."
Arnold: thinks, eyes shift nervously from side to side. . . . then runs away like a scaredy cat.
Dave is confused. "Where did the kid go?" he asks. I was surprised by his running away like that. Usually, it's the audience.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Jack Black and musician Esperanza Spalding.
The Late Show; specializing in hilarity since 1949!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
MORGAN SPURLOCK: From FX TV's "30 Days," now in its 3rd season. Morgan splashed onto the scene when he was nominated for an Academy Awards for his documentary "Super Size Me" where he ate nothing but McDonalds for an entire month. At the Awards ceremony, he knew a few moments ahead of time that he would not be winning the Oscar. That was the year they had all the category nominees come up on stage before announcing the winner. Morgan knew the award would be brought out by a model from stage left. He was the only person in his category who was nominated alone; the rest of the nominees were all in pairs. So, as the nominees were being announced, Morgan looked over to the model who would hand the Academy Award to the winner and saw she was holding TWO trophies. Morgan wanted to win the Award so badly that he let himself think that "Super Size Me" was so good that maybe they were going to give him two Oscars. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way.
Has he eaten at McDonalds since the filming of the documentary? Not once. If he wants a hamburger, he'll go for a real hamburger . . . like the one you find at the corner mom & pop burger joint where the cook molds the burgers in his bare hands. In "30 Days," Morgan puts himself in an environment for a month to see what life if like on that side. When he pitched the idea to the big networks, the responses from the execs were like, "This is way too smart for our viewers," and "Whoa! Who wins in this show?" It's about what you would expect.
In one episode of "30 Days," Morgan works as a coal miner in West Virginia. His description of his work makes the show sound interesting and informational. It'll be something I'll be looking for when the networks are offering stuff that is not smart enough.
I had an idea for a show like this years ago. I wanted to work a month working the clown at a Jack-In-The-Box; being a member of the Yankees grounds crew; fighting the tedium of a toll collector; and driving a New York City cab. 25 years later, Morgan Spurlock beat me to it. It's just another reminder to me that good intentions aren't worth a damn thing.
"30 Days" - Tuesday nights at 10:00 PM on FX.

ACT 7:
"SOUTH PACIFIC" - a performance from the Rogers and Hammerstein's Broadway musical revival, "South Pacific," featuring Kelli O'Hara. The production has received 11 Tony Award nominations, including "Best Revival of a Musical," and is playing at the Lincoln Center Theater at the Vivian Beaumont. Tonight, the cast of "South Pacific" performed "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair."

And that was our show for Tuesday, June 3, 2008.



Julianne Moore couldn't understand why a guy would say to her, "You smell like you and me making love." Does that line ever work? I have no idea, but I learned a lot in college by something similar that happened. I had a friend in college who always bragged about his weekend conquests. I found it hard to believe because he had the nickname "Shoe Face" because he had a face that looked like a shoe. I didn't see how a woman could be attracted to him . . . well, maybe one or two, but not every week. One Friday night I decided to spy on him to see if what he told me was true. He tried some line on one girl. She turned him down flat. For me, that rejection would have sent me reeling and hiding under my desk for weeks. For my friend it meant nothing. Keeping out of sight, I watched him work his magic. I learned his magic was awful. Nothing worked, but he kept at it. Hours passed and still he wasn't getting a hit. Time after time he was rejected, but he kept at it. And then late at night when the clock was nearing two, a hit. He left the bar with a gal on his arm. Maybe what he said every Monday morning was true. Still, to me it wasn't worth the effort or the rejection. So when Julianne says she can't believe the line "You smell like you and me making love" could work, given enough time, candidates, and cheap beer there's a good chance it might.

I read the other day that some people are now working 4-day weeks to save gas money on commuting. On the surface, this looks like a good idea if your company would allow it. But I find I spend way more money on my day off than when I work. Sure, I might be spending less on gas but I'd be spending more on everything else.

Just when I think America has lost its drive to better itself; when I think America has grown tired and lost is creative drive and ingenuity, I read that Lucky Charms has added an hourglass marshmallow as their newest charm to their cereal. It's the first new one added in a decade. Welcome, marshmallow hourglass figure!

Two weeks ago I was hot for the Eric Clapton song, "Motherless Child." I couldn't play it enough. Last week, I heard a song at 5:00 AM in the morning while camping that caught my ear. The DJ didn't mention the name of the song or the artist, so I wrote down the radio station and the time I heard it. When I got home, I googled the radio station's play-list for the day. My new song for June: Sarah Vaughan singing Henry Mancini's "Peter Gunn." Check it out.

Oh, I almost forgot . . . remember when I questioned ESPN baseball analyst Joe Morgan's explanation of why a catcher has to backtrack towards the field of play when attempting to catch a foul pop? Morgan says the spin of the ball on a foul back tends to bring the ball back in to play. I said, "Poppycock"; believing just the opposite to be true. The spin of the ball on a foul back would make the ball, if anything, more likely to drift back into the stands. Some Wahoo readers sided with Joe Morgan on this, pretending to know. Well, a few days after I questioned Joe Morgan on his physics lesson, New York Post sportswriter Phil Mushnick questioned the same thing. Therefore, it's back on the table. A foul pop-up behind the plate . . . would it more likely drift back towards the stands or back into the field of play?

Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain had his first start last night after being the best set-up man in baseball for the past 5 months of baseball. He was the Yankees 7th and 8th inning pitcher who linked the starters to future Hall of Fame closer Mariano Rivera. So how did Joba do last night? So-so. He was on a hard pitch count and early wildness forced him out of the game in the 3rd inning after letting up one earned run. And what about the 7th inning once owned by him? The Yankee relievers let up 6 runs, turning a close 3-2 game into a 9-3 blowout. It's going to be a fun summer in Yankee land, especially if the Mets turn things around and continue to their good recent play.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
As seen on the Gene Simmons website, www.genesimmons.com, wearing an I Am Indy t-shirt in the Letters section, it's Gabrielle Rose Page Marquis
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER