" . . . and now, Ozzie and Harriet's bouncing baby boy . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "You can tell that it's Gay Pride Week here in New York City. The Statue of Liberty is dressed in a plaid shirt and hiking boots." We see a photo of Miss Liberty. Might explain why she's still a "Miss".
- "The Gay Pride Parade starts on West 12th Street and ends at Harvey Fierstein's house."

This strange incident with Governor Sanford of South Carolina has prompted reactions from across the political spectrum. We look at this odd commercial.
Announce:

"The citizens of South Carolina are relieved that Governor Mark Sanford is safe after being missing for four days.
Also, millions of citizens across the country are relieved that George W. Bush has been missing for five months.
A message from people."

"Bernie Madoff regrets the financial fraud which has hurt so many. However, the proposed sentence of 150 years is excessive. Mr. Madoff suggests a prison term of 12 years. For a full explanation of why the shorter sentence is appropriate, sent $1000 to Madoff Explanation.
Cash only, please.
Bernie Madoff. Change We Can Believe In."

In a word, "Yeesh."

Dave says a Governor has two outstanding responsibilities:
#2 is to the State;
#1 is to his family.
Governor Sanford took a week-long hike to Argentina . . . over Father's Day Weekend. He abandoned the people of South Carolina. Dave wonders, hypothetically, what would have happened if North Carolina had declared war on South Carolina? North Carolina could say they tried to settle the thing peacefully . . . "but he ain't here." I hope his week in Argentina was worth it.

During the pre-show Q&A, Dave asked a woman where she was from. She says, "Pennsylvania." Where in Pennsylvania? "Eighty-Four, PA." Huh? Where is "Eighty-Four, PA?" She says, "Between Eighty-Three and Eighty-Five." Actually, it's about 25 miles southwest of Pittsburgh.
We got the research department working on it and we figure the town of Eighty-four was either a postal stop in the 1800's or a celebration of Grover Cleveland's inauguration in 1884.

And now it's time for "Mark Sanford: Take Your Time."
We see the Governor make his opening statement at his news conference. Or try to. He looked like Ralph Kramden trying to explain his way out of something to Alice.

Then Dave is interrupted by a shout from the audience.
DAVE: "Who is that?"
By the side of the theater we see a guy standing in front of his one-bedroom apartment LEO: "Yeah, hey, Dave. Me again.
DAVE: "Oh, it's our next door neighbor, Leo Garvey. How's it going, Leo?"
LEO: "Okay, I guess. Look, I hate to be 'that guy' but I have some company tonight and so I was wondering if you could maybe keep it down a notch."
(We can see through the open door a lovely miss sitting at Leo's eat-in kitchen table.) DAVE: "Is that her inside? Let's go in and say hello."
(the camera enters the apartment past Leo. After a moment, Leo objects with sarcasm) LEO: "No, stay. Make yourself at home. In fact, how about I run the camera while you and my date enjoy the salmon."
(Leo grabs the camera and pushes it back out.)
DAVE: "I'm sorry about all the music. We'll keep it down."
LEO: "It's not the music. It's that annoying banter between you and the other guy." (looking Paul's way) "Which one are you? Jon or Kate?"
DAVE: "That's funny. You know, last time I saw you, you were in a robe, but you look pretty sharp tonight."
LEO: "Thanks. Yeah, I pulled out all the stops with these wrinkle-free khakis. I got them at the big Dockers runway show in Milan."
DAVE: "Well, sorry about the noise, Leo, but we are in the middle of a show."
LEO: "Oh, right. Let me ask you something . . . do you have a fire extinguisher?"
DAVE: "Yes, right under my desk."
LEO: "Good, because if I have to come back out here, I'm setting this guy on fire." (points to Alan. Alan is confused."
DAVE: "Understood."
(Leo exits to his apartment, slamming the door behind him.)

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD EXCUSES
10. Did I say hiking? I meant 'cheating.'
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?

RAY ROMANO
Ray recently reached a milestone in his life . . . . 50 years old. That's middle age . . . . . if you live to be 100. He finds at age 50 your body needs more maintenance. I know what he means, and it usually involves an electric razor. Ray says he felt his phone vibrating in his pants pocket the other day . . . but he didn't have his phone in his pocket. It was his leg. It was calling him, or something. He discovered his leg now vibrates for no reason.

And he's trying to keep in shape by taking up karate. Well, yes, karate to keep in shape, but also to be able to keep the upper hand over his twin 16-year-old boys. Ray says, "They are almost big enough to kick my ass." He says he's never hit them or beat them, but it's important for them to know that daddy still has the power and strength to do so if the situation called for it. You need that psychological advantage. Dave likens it to "the law of the jungle." You never want to give up that edge. Ray says he feels he still has the strength advantage, age 50 vs. 16. He says to Dave, "At 62 and Harry 5, you have about 3 years left."

He may not agree with this, but Ray is the "Erma Bombeck for men." He knows how most men feel about family and married life. It's great, of course, but there are many things we don't quite understand. He says in his house he and his wife split up the responsibilities but admits most of the split falls on her. "She does most of the work . . . . I don't want to say 'I pay her' . . .. but I do give her money."
Ray says his boys recently came home from the movies and they said that during the movie they saw two girls kissing. Ray's wife gave him a look, like, 'Say something wise." Ray isn't very good at this and all he could come up with was, "Boys, when two girls kiss, an angel gets its wings."

Dave has heard that Ray has a slight problem with the show. What is it? Ray says he likes to watch the Late Show with his boys and pay particular attention to the closing tag line at the end of the credits. It's a simple, non-sensical line thrown in over the Worldwide Pants logo. Some includes, "Dear Sweet Pants", "Throw Me A Kiss" and "No dice, Kenny". Ray and the boys try to guess what each night's tag will be. If one of the twins guesses correctly, Ray says he will pay them $10,000. The closest one of them came was "I want cake" when the actual closing tag was "Who ordered clams?" Ray asked if he could provide tonight's closing tag line. He has three options. From his son Matt: "Don't Panic, Pablo!"
Greg: "My ass is asleep!"
Ray's wife: "Get off me!"

We will use one of those at the end of the show.

Ray will be returning to TV on a regular basis in the near future on the TNT series, "Men of a Certain Age." He says being on cable offers less censorship, not that that's been much of a problem for him, though he does admit there were many times on "Raymond" where he wanted to yell, "Shut the 'givl' up!"
(since this isn't cable, I don't use expletives. To decipher 'givl' simply look to the left of each letter in 'givl' on your keyboard.)

You can hear Ray in the new animated film, "Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs" in digital 3-D. It opens Wednesday, July 1st and the 3-D is better than you would think. It won't give you a headache.

ACT 5;
ANNOUNCE: "Tomorrow's Late Show is a must-see entertainment! Dave's guests are Johnny Depp, and Megan Fox!
The Late Show: preferred by four out of five television sets!
We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
ST. VINCENT: From her new album, "Actor," St. Vincent, making her network television debut, performed "Marrow."
After the song, Dave asks if he can call her "Annie". St. Vincent is her stage name. Actual name: Annie Clark.

Worldwide Pants: "Don't panic, Pablo!"

And that was our show for Wednesday, June 24, 2009.



So we had all these jokes written and prepared to go about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. And then an hour before taping, we learn that he's now confessed to having an affair. All our jokes now had to be updated to reflect that. There was a lot of scurrying to get everything prepared in time. Some jokes were pitched during the commercial break.

According to Wahoo Gazette fanatic, Alan Page:

"The last time they used the changing taglines was Friday, March 6, 2009, Show #3076...'I'm dizzy' which was the last night of the week of U2 performances."

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is quite the prolific writer. Just yesterday she was here to promote her new book, "Finding Susie", and already she has another one coming out, and it's very timely. It's entitled, "Finding Governor Sanford"

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Suffern, New York, it's Kenny 'Kino' Mandel
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com