DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Martin Short; and Regina Spektor.
PLUS: trouble at the Calgary Zoo; the rain in New York; a top ten list; and True Tales From The Old West.
" . . . and now, foul-mouthed reality show chef . . . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue
A gorilla at The Calgary Zoo was photographed last week threatening another gorilla with a knife. Dave saw a troubling announcement earlier today.
Announce:
"Onlookers at The Calgary Zoo were shocked last week when one western lowland gorilla picked up a knife and pointed it at another. Even more troubling than the incident itself, however, was how 911 handled the emergency call."
Cut to a scene from "Dunston Checks In" - a monkey show. A monkey picks up a ringing phone.
Caller: (V.O. through the phone): "Help! I'm at The Calgary Zoo. A gorilla has a knife."
The monkey at the Monkey 911 Call Center gives a Bronx cheer into the phone . . . and then another.
Announce: "We apologize and promise this won't happen again.
A message from the International Monkey Alliance."
It's been raining for weeks in New York with no end in sight. Dave saw something odd about the rain this morning.
Announce:
"Sick of all this rain? Well, God would like to say, 'It's gonna keep raining until you stop putting these idiots (shot of Jon and Kate) on the cover of 'US Weekly.'"
Chyron: "God --- appearing this Saturday at Harrah's Casino."
ACT 2:
It really has been non-stop rain around these parts. Dave asks for a shot of Broadway. We see the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater underwater. Floating by is a hot dog vendor and his cart.
Yes, that was me playing the hot dog vendor. I was called down to wardrobe during the day to get into a hot dog vendor costume. When I arrived, I was told, "What you're wearing is fine."
This concludes another installment of "Disguised Insult."
And then we enjoy another installment of LATE SHOW FUN FACTS.
ACT 3:
TOP TEN
Dave reads the list; you guess the topic.
10. When people first meet you they say, "lemme guess ---- opera singer?"
9. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th Streets
8. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of bed
7. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to remind him you're a man.
6. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh
5. When you get on a scale, it says "One at a time"
4. On your visit to Russia, cholesterol checks you
3. Since this list began, you've downed a quart of tartar sauce
2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"
1. Get in bed at 11 PM but your ass doesn't get there 'til midnight
And the topic . . . . "Signs You're Too Fat"
Time was tight tonight. I wonder if the Top Ten stayed in.
MARTIN SHORT
Very funny man, Mr. Short. Unfortunately, I lost my notes on his visit. Let's see what I can steal from others.
Martin Short again raves at how well Dave is looking and is proud to be one of his first guests on his new 10:00 time slot. He then sits back to let Dave speak from his prepared text.
And what is it that makes Dave look so good? Is it the guyliner? Is it those strong Michelle Obama arms
Martin asks Dave about his Father's Day. "Spend the day with your son Jerry?" Dave corrects him, "It's Harry."
Martin says, "I adored my father, God rest his soul . . . . he's not dead yet, though he's just barely hanging on." He says "Dad always liked to . . ." Martin puts a "drink" up to his mouth and makes a gulping sound. Martin would then says, "Dad, why do you always make that noise? Why don't you just drink some gin?"
Martin was staying at a hotel in Sydney, Australia. He stepped in to the hallway to pick up the morning paper. The door closed behind him. And he was completely naked. Martin demonstrates how he made it down the hall using the newspaper as a fig leaf. "Thank goodness it was the Sunday New York Times" chimes Martin "Not So" Short.
The cleaning lady caught a glimpse and exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. Short, you have made my day"
As always, Mr. Short has a song for us. Tonight's performance is accompanied by photos to enhance the tune.
"On first date, on a summer's eve
Strolling through the woods, in shortsleeves
I had to break the ice
So to entice this happenin' chick
I proposed she forego her clothes
And I checked for ticks
Our next date, what I had in mind
Was Connecticut, the town of Lyme
We were walking through dead leaves
When in my briefs I felt a prick
And she said 'Don't frown, strip down,
turn around And I'll check for ticks.
One magic night
Moments after we had tucked in
I felt a gentle bite
But it wasn't an arachnid that was suckin'
I learned a lesson then and there
Those parasites made us a pair
She's Cleopatra wielding tweezers
And I'm living Caesar's life
Out of the forest, love came in a flash
Cupid's arrow landed
Smack in my bullseye rash
That pain in my ass
Led me to my wife"
Martin Short: his TBS comedy special, "Let Freedom Hum" can be seen this Sunday night at 11:00 PM on the TBS.
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us Monday for another exciting Late Show, with Jessica Biel, from "The Hangover" Zach Galifianakis, and Steve Earle. And now, here's an anagram message from the Late Show."
"LATE SHOW" unscrambles to read "EAT SLOW, H"
ANNOUNCE: "Careful, H. Eating too quickly can be a choking hazard. We'll be right back."
ACT 6:
And now once again, "True Tales From The Old West" with Bob B.B. Boberson.
Announce: "Time once again for True Tales from the Old West with America's foremost old west storyteller, Bob 'B.B' Boberson."
We find Bob 'B.B' Boberson by a campfire under a starry night sky.
BOB "B.B." BOBERSON: "Here's another story I think you're all gonna enjoy. This one happened when I was working on the El Feugo Fougo Place just outside Yuma with the Ronteen Brothers, Bob, Elliott and Jennifer. We was looking for strays up on the Cahuenga Pass. So I says anybody here ever been struck by lightning and before somebody says something, Bob topples off his horse, screaming. My appendix is gonna bust. Well, we put him in the truck and drive 600 miles to Salt Lake, but when we got there he was dead."
Announce: "This has been True Tales from the Old West with America's foremost old west storyteller, Bob 'B.B.' Boberson. We'll be right back."
ACT 7:
REGINA SPEKTOR: From her album, "Far," Regina Spektor performed "Laughing With."
And that was our show for Friday, June 26, 2009.
Bernie Madoff will be sentenced on Monday. It's Money vs. Money. He'd probably get off easy if he only screwed the middle class. The fact that he screwed the rich, too, has got him in deep. The over/under is 50 years. I'm betting the over.
I'll be camping this weekend in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Yup, leaving my air conditioned home, with hot and cold running water, electricity, a stocked fridge, and shelter, and for my vacation, I'll be sleeping on the ground. Would someone please remind me how that's a vacation?
And while I'm in Pennsylvania, I'll likely pick up some fireworks. Legal in Pennsylvania . . . illegal in New York. Such nonsense. I think my kids should have the right to burn themselves on the hot end of a sparkler just like I did. It makes 'em tough!
Next week's previously viewed programs:
MONDAY: from June 3; #3125 - Jessica Biel; Zach Galifianakis; and Steve Earle. PLUS: the David Letterman Commemorative Coin
TUESDAY: from April 2; #3091 - Michael J. Fox; and The Fray. PLUS: Dave's hairpiece is critiqued.
WEDNESDAY: from June 11; #3131 - Denzel Washington; The Jonas Brothers; and Regis Philbin presents a Top Ten list.
THURSDAY: from June 12; #3132 - Sandra Bullock; Pete Correale; and PJ Harvey and John Parish
FRIDAY: from May 14; #3116 - Kid Scientists; Teri Hatcher; and Rick Ross and Magazeen. PLUS: a Top Ten list presented by Ron Howard.
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on the 4th, Happy Birthday George Steinbrenner
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee http://stage.cbs.com:9999/cms3/enter/latenight/lateshow/
Mikemack@aol.com
Martin Short; and Regina Spektor.
PLUS: trouble at the Calgary Zoo; the rain in New York; a top ten list; and True Tales From The Old West.
" . . . and now, foul-mouthed reality show chef . . . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue
A gorilla at The Calgary Zoo was photographed last week threatening another gorilla with a knife. Dave saw a troubling announcement earlier today.
Announce:
"Onlookers at The Calgary Zoo were shocked last week when one western lowland gorilla picked up a knife and pointed it at another. Even more troubling than the incident itself, however, was how 911 handled the emergency call."
Cut to a scene from "Dunston Checks In" - a monkey show. A monkey picks up a ringing phone.
Caller: (V.O. through the phone): "Help! I'm at The Calgary Zoo. A gorilla has a knife."
The monkey at the Monkey 911 Call Center gives a Bronx cheer into the phone . . . and then another.
Announce: "We apologize and promise this won't happen again.
A message from the International Monkey Alliance."
It's been raining for weeks in New York with no end in sight. Dave saw something odd about the rain this morning.
Announce:
"Sick of all this rain? Well, God would like to say, 'It's gonna keep raining until you stop putting these idiots (shot of Jon and Kate) on the cover of 'US Weekly.'"
Chyron: "God --- appearing this Saturday at Harrah's Casino."
ACT 2:
It really has been non-stop rain around these parts. Dave asks for a shot of Broadway. We see the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater underwater. Floating by is a hot dog vendor and his cart.
Yes, that was me playing the hot dog vendor. I was called down to wardrobe during the day to get into a hot dog vendor costume. When I arrived, I was told, "What you're wearing is fine."
This concludes another installment of "Disguised Insult."
And then we enjoy another installment of LATE SHOW FUN FACTS.
ACT 3:
TOP TEN
Dave reads the list; you guess the topic.
10. When people first meet you they say, "lemme guess ---- opera singer?"
9. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th Streets
8. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of bed
7. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to remind him you're a man.
6. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh
5. When you get on a scale, it says "One at a time"
4. On your visit to Russia, cholesterol checks you
3. Since this list began, you've downed a quart of tartar sauce
2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"
1. Get in bed at 11 PM but your ass doesn't get there 'til midnight
And the topic . . . . "Signs You're Too Fat"
Time was tight tonight. I wonder if the Top Ten stayed in.
MARTIN SHORT
Very funny man, Mr. Short. Unfortunately, I lost my notes on his visit. Let's see what I can steal from others.
Martin Short again raves at how well Dave is looking and is proud to be one of his first guests on his new 10:00 time slot. He then sits back to let Dave speak from his prepared text.
And what is it that makes Dave look so good? Is it the guyliner? Is it those strong Michelle Obama arms
Martin asks Dave about his Father's Day. "Spend the day with your son Jerry?" Dave corrects him, "It's Harry."
Martin says, "I adored my father, God rest his soul . . . . he's not dead yet, though he's just barely hanging on." He says "Dad always liked to . . ." Martin puts a "drink" up to his mouth and makes a gulping sound. Martin would then says, "Dad, why do you always make that noise? Why don't you just drink some gin?"
Martin was staying at a hotel in Sydney, Australia. He stepped in to the hallway to pick up the morning paper. The door closed behind him. And he was completely naked. Martin demonstrates how he made it down the hall using the newspaper as a fig leaf. "Thank goodness it was the Sunday New York Times" chimes Martin "Not So" Short.
The cleaning lady caught a glimpse and exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. Short, you have made my day"
As always, Mr. Short has a song for us. Tonight's performance is accompanied by photos to enhance the tune.
"On first date, on a summer's eve
Strolling through the woods, in shortsleeves
I had to break the ice
So to entice this happenin' chick
I proposed she forego her clothes
And I checked for ticks
Our next date, what I had in mind
Was Connecticut, the town of Lyme
We were walking through dead leaves
When in my briefs I felt a prick
And she said 'Don't frown, strip down,
turn around And I'll check for ticks.
One magic night
Moments after we had tucked in
I felt a gentle bite
But it wasn't an arachnid that was suckin'
I learned a lesson then and there
Those parasites made us a pair
She's Cleopatra wielding tweezers
And I'm living Caesar's life
Out of the forest, love came in a flash
Cupid's arrow landed
Smack in my bullseye rash
That pain in my ass
Led me to my wife"
Martin Short: his TBS comedy special, "Let Freedom Hum" can be seen this Sunday night at 11:00 PM on the TBS.
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us Monday for another exciting Late Show, with Jessica Biel, from "The Hangover" Zach Galifianakis, and Steve Earle. And now, here's an anagram message from the Late Show."
"LATE SHOW" unscrambles to read "EAT SLOW, H"
ANNOUNCE: "Careful, H. Eating too quickly can be a choking hazard. We'll be right back."
ACT 6:
And now once again, "True Tales From The Old West" with Bob B.B. Boberson.
Announce: "Time once again for True Tales from the Old West with America's foremost old west storyteller, Bob 'B.B' Boberson."
We find Bob 'B.B' Boberson by a campfire under a starry night sky.
BOB "B.B." BOBERSON: "Here's another story I think you're all gonna enjoy. This one happened when I was working on the El Feugo Fougo Place just outside Yuma with the Ronteen Brothers, Bob, Elliott and Jennifer. We was looking for strays up on the Cahuenga Pass. So I says anybody here ever been struck by lightning and before somebody says something, Bob topples off his horse, screaming. My appendix is gonna bust. Well, we put him in the truck and drive 600 miles to Salt Lake, but when we got there he was dead."
Announce: "This has been True Tales from the Old West with America's foremost old west storyteller, Bob 'B.B.' Boberson. We'll be right back."
ACT 7:
REGINA SPEKTOR: From her album, "Far," Regina Spektor performed "Laughing With."
And that was our show for Friday, June 26, 2009.
Bernie Madoff will be sentenced on Monday. It's Money vs. Money. He'd probably get off easy if he only screwed the middle class. The fact that he screwed the rich, too, has got him in deep. The over/under is 50 years. I'm betting the over.
I'll be camping this weekend in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Yup, leaving my air conditioned home, with hot and cold running water, electricity, a stocked fridge, and shelter, and for my vacation, I'll be sleeping on the ground. Would someone please remind me how that's a vacation?
And while I'm in Pennsylvania, I'll likely pick up some fireworks. Legal in Pennsylvania . . . illegal in New York. Such nonsense. I think my kids should have the right to burn themselves on the hot end of a sparkler just like I did. It makes 'em tough!
Next week's previously viewed programs:
MONDAY: from June 3; #3125 - Jessica Biel; Zach Galifianakis; and Steve Earle. PLUS: the David Letterman Commemorative Coin
TUESDAY: from April 2; #3091 - Michael J. Fox; and The Fray. PLUS: Dave's hairpiece is critiqued.
WEDNESDAY: from June 11; #3131 - Denzel Washington; The Jonas Brothers; and Regis Philbin presents a Top Ten list.
THURSDAY: from June 12; #3132 - Sandra Bullock; Pete Correale; and PJ Harvey and John Parish
FRIDAY: from May 14; #3116 - Kid Scientists; Teri Hatcher; and Rick Ross and Magazeen. PLUS: a Top Ten list presented by Ron Howard.
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on the 4th, Happy Birthday George Steinbrenner
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee http://stage.cbs.com:9999/cms3/enter/latenight/lateshow/
Mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • A Message From the International Monkey Alliance • God -- Appearing this Saturday at Harrah's Casino
ACT 2 • Ed Sullivan Theater Underwater • Late Show Fun Facts
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