Barney's Blog
LANDMARKS
May 9, 2011
Forget every other rule I've ever stated because every other rule I've ever stated is old and I have only one rule: New is always better. That being said, there are some places on the Earth – older places - that are pretty cool and shouldn't necessarily be replaced by newer ones or augmented with bigger boobs.
Below is a list of locations that have earned "landmark" status in my own life.
MY BED: The epicenter of Awesomeness. It should be preserved and studied for future generations… many of whom may have been conceived in, on, or under it.
JESSE LANGDORF'S CHILDHOOD HOUSE: Who is Jesse Langdorf? Shame on you for not knowing he was the American tailor who invented the all-weather wrinkle free neck-tie. Pay homage.
CIRO'S PIZZERIA, EAST MEADOW, NY: Drunk, stranded, and disoriented after learning the exciting way why they're called bridge and tunnel chicks, this local pizza joint totally Bro'd me out with two slices and a half dozen g-knots before directing me to the nearest train station.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN: World famous arena home to countless classic boxing matches, basketball games, and concerts, this hallowed ground also played host to a thrilling, white-knuckle overtime event in section 323 during an otherwise ho-hum Rangers' game between me, a chick named Cindy, and her flexible friend… Sarah? Sasha? Something with an "S"…
MACLAREN'S BATHROOM: Where I met my best friend Ted Mosby and totally changed his life. Also where I met many of Ted's dates and totally changed their lives for a solid 5 – 7 minutes. Shhhh!
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING: Cool building that resembles a giant, Art Deco penis.
LUSTY LEOPARD VIP ROOM: Let's just say you'll need an ultraviolet light to see my signature.
LINCOLN CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS: What? A Bro can't take an evening off and enjoy the Royal Shakespeare Company? Jeeze Louise. Also, I once banged a ballerina backstage.
THE ARCADIAN: Hahahaha! Totally kidding. Tear that bitch down.
SAL'S LASER TAG EMPORIUM, WEST NYACK, NY: A young, unranked laser tag player wins his first invisibility match (and coupon for 1 free funnel cake). That player's name? Barney Stinson. True story.
BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE
May 2, 2011
Friends, I come bearing tidings of much joy. For I, Barney Stinson, am about to partake in the most anticipated ceremony of the year. A ceremony men dream of from the time they're fetuses. A ceremony honoring love of all things new. And what better way to make room for the new, then to go all Independence Day on some old building's ass? That's right, gentlemen, I get to blow up The Arcadian! The band has been booked, the food sampled, the cake frosted. All that's left is for you, my bros in crime, to share in this beautiful day with me. And as always: black tie absolutely not optional.
PERSONALITY IMPROVEMENTS
April 18, 2011
Have you ever felt like you're alone in your awesomeness? Hanging around with Ted, I do all the time. Even your best Bro will never be as awesome as you. That's just simple geometry. But there's finally something you can do about it.
Below are five "Personality Improvement Cards." Print them out and give them to your friends, making sure to explain that you're just trying to help them be more awesome. If they resist, here's a great quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson you can use to persuade them: "Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect and total awesomeness." True story.
| Personality Improvement Card #1 |
| Name: Alexander Macintosh |
| Job: 4-Time Motocross Champion |
| Quirks: Chugs motor oil before each race. Rarely vomits. |
| Personality Improvement Card #2 |
| Name: Eddie Lightyear |
| Job: Drummer |
| Quirks: Can burp the entire alphabet. In Farsi. |
| Personality Improvement Card #3 |
| Name: Tawny Gobblestock |
| Job: Female Porno Director |
| Quirks: Occasionally insists on getting "involved in the action." Great with actors. |
| Personality Improvement Card #4 |
| Name: Jack Moustache |
| Job: Stuntman |
| Quirks: Taught Chuck Norris how to fight. Taught Jean-Claude Van Damme how to act. |
| Personality Improvement Card #5 |
| Name: T.J. Mackey |
| Job: Seduction Artist / Motivational Speaker |
| Quirks: Knows how to "seduce and destroy" women. Makes a mean cocktail. |
FATHER & SON
March 21, 2011
Beautiful babies,
One of my all-time favorite songs is the Cat Stevens classic "Father & Son," which is about an aging father trying to impart his son with the wisdom he's learned throughout the course of his life. Or, it's about acid. I go back and forth. Anyway, I reconnected with my own father and, in doing so, was reminded of the various ways in which fathers can help their sons, primarily through assisting in sexual plays. Here's a list of the ones I'm working on...
The Oedipus Rex
The Guess What Else Runs in the Family?
The Houdini and Son
The Wanna Have a Catch?
The Papa Can You Rear Me
The Old Man and the Semen
The Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned
The Don't Wake Daddy
The Father Knows Breast
The Crosby, Stills, Nash and Son
The Bush Dynasty
The Luke-Vader
The My Father, The Hero
The Other Sutherland
The Lick Father, Lick Son
p>The Snap, Crackle, Here's PopsThe DNA TNA
The My Father's Peeper
The Field of Wet Dreams
The Family Jewels
The Dad to the Bone
The Hop on Pop
The Papa's Got a Brand New Hag
The Royal Line
The Layin' King
MY ONE AND ONLY RULE
February 28, 2011
I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals… morals that are often difficult to remember. That's why I've simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
For me, it's just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.
After you've discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:
"I only have one rule…"
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
Never meet a girl's parents.
Never pass up a free sample.
Never pet a chicken.
If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
Never check a bag.
If it's yellow, flush it down, too.
Never spell check.
Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
Never delete "Total Recall" from your DVR.
Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
No cats.
Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
Always wash your hands before returning to work.
Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
However old a girl says she is… add five years. However much a girl says she weighs… add twenty pounds.
Never make the first or third out at third base.
Never meet a girl for lunch.
Never repeat yourself.
Don't say the same thing twice.
Bang twice, dump once.
The longer the line, the better the food.
Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.
If you pay your taxes before a court mandates that you do, you've paid too soon.
When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
C-cups and up.
Never run without stretching.
Never wear a clip-on.
Never use an airplane lavatory.
Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Ask yourself, "What would Ted do?" Then do the opposite.
Never order a "small" beer.
Black tie is never optional.
If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
THE SEX SENSE
February 21, 2011
You may have seen that 1999 film with the little blond dude who chats up dead people. You may have also seen him get interrupted by Keyboard Cat on YouTube. Well, I, just like him, have a sixth sense. The only difference? Mine is sex-related and way, way cooler. Let's call it a "sex sense." You see, I have the uncanny ability to determine precisely how long it's been since a lady has last lain with a man. But what if you aren't as awesome as me and only have a mere five senses? Fear not, for I present to you an easy-to-follow flow chart to help you gauge just how hard-up your potential honey is.
Why is this important? Because there is a very narrow window of opportunity or, "bangotunity," when a girl's ready to get down. That window falls between 3 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours… and 3 weeks, 2 days, 6 hours. Needless to say, there is no room for error.
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
February 14, 2011
Attention fellow bros: you can stop reading this entry right now, 'cause this one is going out to the ladies.
Okay all you boob-owners, it's the night before the most important day on the chick calendar and you're freaking because you haven't landed that dreamy prince who will shower you will rose petals and chocolate candies and give you a unicorn and stuff. You're at the bar, but the competition is tough. Chicks are pulling moves normally only seen backstage at a ZZ Top concert. How do you stand out? Give that besuited fella you have your eye on a Desperation Day ™ card and make all his your dreams come true.
Instructions: Print the cards below, cut them out, and present to nearest bro.
HARD TO GET
February 07, 2011
If you read my blog often, or simply live on this planet, you know that 100% of ladies play "hard-to-get." Recently, my best friend Ted and I found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: a beautiful girl at the bar was stroking his arm and looking deep into his eyes, but the straw in her drink… was pointing towards me. To a trained seduction artist like myself, it was obvious that this girl was teasing me with a classic game of "hard-to-get," while poor Ted was playing his own classic game of "gettin' hard"… a game he only plays with himself.
Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing "hard-to-get."
1. If she tells you she's "married."
This is chick-code for "I haven't done it in months, take me now."
2. If you're blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, "Pardon me."
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have "Do me." It doesn't get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.
3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a "safe word" beforehand. I recommend "help!"
4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.
5. If she's eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.
6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.
7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead – in which case, bail. That's way too much effort when there's probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.
8. If she doesn't answer your phone calls.
She's letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!
9. If she's buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She's teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.
10. If she pulls you aside and says, "Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You've been creeping me out all night. I'm about to call the cops."
Wink! It doesn't get much "harder to get" than that.
PARTNER UP
January 03, 2011
Due to a lack of awesomeness on the part of my best friends, I find myself without a laser tag partner for the most elite doubles laser tag tournament in the tri-state area: the Poughskeepsie Regional Semi-Annual Laser Tag Invitational! Their loss is your gain, blog readers!
If you think you have the stuff it takes to be my partner and bro, fill out the form below and return it to broslife@gmail.com.
Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT) |
Name: __________________________________________________________________________ |
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Alias: __________________________________________________________________________ |
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Age: ___________________________________________________________________________ |
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Weight and Height: ________________________________________________________________ |
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How many somersaults can you do in a row? _____________________________________________ |
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How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? ___________________________________________ |
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Favorite Quote? __________________________________________________________________ |
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What’s your wing span? ____________________________________________________________ |
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Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) ___________________________________________________________________________ |
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What martial art do you specialize in? _________________________________________________ |
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How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? ________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Did you eventually become the master? __________________________________________________ |
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What’s your visual acuity? ____________________________________________________________ |
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Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? __________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Do you own a black turtleneck? _______________________________________________________ |
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Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) _________________________________________________________________________________ |
| Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? ________________________________________________________________________________ |
| If yes, did you use lasers to survive? ___________________________________________________ |
| What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? __________________________________________________ |
| If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner. |
| Have you served in the military? _______________________________________________________ |
| Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? _______________________ |
| Did you use lasers? _____________________________________________________________ |
| Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? ______________________________________ |
| Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? _________________________________________ |
| How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? ______________________________________________ |
| NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.” |
| I, the undersigned, residing in the county of _____________, state of ___________, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs. |
| The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing. |
| X ______________________________________________________ |
| Applicant Signature |
BARNEY'S FAVORITE THINGS
December 13, 2010
Barney here. As you all know, I'm a big ol' giver. I like to get in there and just give hard. So this week, partly inspired by the holidays but mostly inspired by my massive bonus check, I decided to elevate my giving to a new level of awesome.
You may have heard about an anonymous donor anonymously showering the patrons of MacLaren's Pub with hundreds of anonymous gifts. Well, that awesome anonymous donor was me. Shhh... don't tell anyone.
Here's a list of what I gave:
Pez dispensers
Velour tracksuits
Lap dances at the Lusty Leopard
Barney Stinson novelty condoms (extra thin, for his pleasure)
Remote controlled dinosaurs
Silk neckties (water resistant up to 100 meters)
Hypercolor t-shirts
Digital barbeque tongs
Zune mp3 players (Cobra Kai limited edition)
Whoopie cushions
Autographed copies of "The Playbook" (available wherever books are sold, seriously)
Snap bracelets
Hoverboards (they don't work on water, you bojos)
Gorgonzola cheese wedges
"I Love NY" mousepads
AM/FM alarm clocks (with built-in high-definition cameras)
Bootleg copies of "Space Teens" (with deleted, unrated scenes)
Gift certificates to Emilio's Tailor Shop
Actual working light sabers
Segways
Hugh Hefner life-size cutouts
Mini-trampolines (ladies only)
Armani pocket squares
Box of hair products (stolen from Ted's bathroom)
In addition to my generosity at the bar, I'll be donating to the following charities:
Feed the Cute Children
Doctors Without Pants
ACLBoobs
Defenders of Nightlife
NPR (National Pubic Radio)
The Red Polka-Dot Cross
Designer Shoes for the Homeless
Society for the Immediate Banishment of Brassieres
Athletic Police League
Save the Puppies
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blondes
The Rockettes
International Organization for the Enhancement of Mammary Glands
St. Nude's Research Hospital
NRDC (Naughty Resource Defense Council)
Oxfam Acapulco
"HOW TO BE AWESOME" – Chapter 83: The Mermaid Theory
December 6, 2010
SUMMARY: In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness - as measured in units of how much you want to bone her - increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (SEE ATTACHED FIGURE) The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete... not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on. Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees - those large blubbery water creatures - would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to. For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on. ___________________________________ *probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you're down there – it's called "multitasking." |
As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She's hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she's strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she's nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she's nearing 35). Chapter Review Questions: 1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn't prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock? 2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros? 3. Where does pregnancy fit in to the Mermaid Theory? Before answering, remember: breast feeding. |
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BLITZ
November 22, 2010
Recently I was accused of being "The Blitz" - a cursed creature doomed to leave a gathering right before things get awesome. Of course since the second I leave a gathering, so does awesome, it's impossible for me to ever be The Blitz, Ted.
The whole traumatic ordeal got me thinking about famous Blitzes throughout history. Here are some of my all-time favorite Blitzes...
| Uffgo | 8000 B.C. | Skips out on buddy's twig-rubbing experiment to hit himself in the head with rocks. |
| Alexander Eder | 1492 | Original captain of the Santa Maria. Rather than voyage across the Atlantic, turns the keys over to his first mate Christopher Columbus and jumps ship in Spain so he can fabric shop. |
| Dan and Rick | 1800 | Turned down President Jefferson's request to lead an expedition through the untamed West because they didn't want to miss their fantasy "hoop rolling" draft. |
| Lloyd Peachpit | 1815 | Shot down his best friend Johnny Appleseed's idea of a road trip to plant their respective fruits on account of wagon sickness. |
| Otis Wright | 1903 | Bailed on brothers Wilbur and Orville's first flight to get a head start on the day's potato peeling. |
| Private Turner | 1945 | Passed on helping his buddies plant the flag on Iwo Jima to "squeeze in a little nappy nap." |
| Tim Butler | 1953 | Hugh Hefner invites him over to spitball magazine ideas but he's busy affixing streamers to his bicycle's handlebars. |
| Gary Armstrong | 1969 | Bored with the news coverage, Gary changes channels to watch Hollywood Squares and misses his cousin landing on the moon. |
| Carl MacLaren | 1974 | Turns down neighbor Eddie Van Halen's offer to play bass for his fledgling band in order to "get his pong on" at the Laundromat. |
| Ted Mosby | 2010 | "Calls it early" and misses all kinds of great stuff like a skateboarding dog, Tom Petty, and generally being awesome. Classic Mosby. |
NO PORN? NO PROB!
November 15, 2010
It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn.
The causes can be manifold:
• Can't afford spicier cable channels
• Workday disrupting internal porn clock
• Marriage
Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.
All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities... you just have to know where to look.
YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL
The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own.
COOKING SHOWS
Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb.
BIRTHDAY PARTY "BOUNCE HOUSE"
While technically you're renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you're not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy's mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce... or two.
CLASSICAL SCULPTURY
Our ancestors' Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I'm talking - of course - about the museum. Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not.
THE NIGHT SKY
Sure there's the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion's Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you'll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome... not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.
BARNEY STINSON: A LIFE OF AWESOME
November 08, 2010
What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, "Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome." Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney's very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm.
Highlights of the collection will include:
Necktie (circa 1984, courtesy Barney Stinson)
Barney's first tie, a deep burgundy Versace pure twill silk featuring the signature Medusa head print in a subtle tone-on-tone pattern, was first worn to his aunt's wedding in the parking lot of Steiny's Pub in Staten Island. A pea-sized YooHoo stain would eventually lead to the tie's removal from rotation.
Napkin (circa 6th grade, courtesy Barney Stinson)
A crumpled, pizza-stained napkin from Chuck E. Cheese's that contains Barney's very first attempt at a pick-up line. While the entirety of the line has been lost to time, still visible are the first two words scribbled in barely legible purple crayon: "Nice jellies…" Barney's first kiss is rumored to have happened four minutes later in the arcade behind Tehkan World Cup so, yeah… it worked.
Film Script (circa 1988, courtesy Loretta Stinson)
This shooting draft of "The Karate Kid" was autographed by director John G. Avildsen and star William Zabka and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Loretta Stinson, the Postmaster General and sadly once again, William Zabka.
Condom Wrapper (mid to late 1990's, on loan from Rhonda French)
This cyan-colored plastic wrapper was part of Trojan's Magnum XL line of condoms. In various interviews Barney has described it as "a bit snug." Because his penis is enormous.
Phaser Pack (circa 2005, gift of Barney Stinson)
Laser tag vest worn by Barney during the Atlantic Region Sectional Finals when he became the first invisibility match champion over the age of 20.
Exhibition Specifications
Tour Locations: Winter 2010 (Europe), Spring 2011 (Panama City Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu City)
Footprint: 14,000 square feet
Security: Crazy Tight
Contents: 83 framed color and black-and-white photographs, 69 hours of bedroom security camera footage, miscellaneous artifacts to awesomeness
Recommended ticket price: $15, or $5 with donation of shirt (ladies only)
CALLING ALL HOTTIES
November 01, 2010
Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner... Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*
The good news is you don't actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of "Spaceballs," a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo...
Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for?
A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of "Ben Hur" that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: "The funding fell through." That's the beauty of lying.
To get going you'll need to get the word out with something called a "casting notice." Here's the one I used recently for my company's corporate video.
Casting Notice for "GNB Cares"
Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, "The Stinsons."
Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office.
Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you're over thirty, I will find out.)
Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.)
Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber
Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot.
Audition Sides:
INT. GNB OFFICE - DAY
Pamela enters the office. Her boss,
Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk.
PAMELA
Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense.
MR. STINSON
It's just these gosh-darn contracts.
Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders.
PAMELA
Here, let me help loosen you up.
MR. STINSON
That's great. Can I return the favor?
Pamela turns to camera.
PAMELA
GNB cares about each other.
FADE TO BLACK.
* Other than "awesome blogger" of course
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
October 25, 2010
Recently I came close to admitting defeat on a challenge issued by one of my nay-saying friends. Fortunately I was able to rally in the final hour and snare a lady while talking like a little boy, thereby avoiding my first ever failure.
This brush with dishonor got me thinking about my running list of challenges I plan to complete in my lifetime. Here it is:
Pick up a chick whilst talking like a little boy
Lick the Liberty Bell
Tame a cougar
Overalls = Sex
Strike out a Major League batter
14-way
Pulitzer / Nobel
Own an island
Dunk
Miss America
Wear the Crown Jewels
High-five the moon
Drive the pope-mobile
Debunk gravity
24 chicks, 24 time-zones
"Pay only in pennies day"
Walk to Connecticut
Ride a baby giraffe
Conduct a symphony in Lincoln Center
Seduce a woman with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back
Achieve Nirvana in less than an hour
Suction-cup to the top of the Empire State Building
Urinate in all seven seas
Fist-bump a king
Go "business casual" for half a day
Now if I can only find someone to challenge me on these...
A BRO-WORKING RELATIONSHIP
October 18, 2010
There are few greater joys in life than earning a living side by side with a bro-worker. Just ask Han Solo and Chewbacca: flying around the galaxy on the occasional smuggling run and trolling bars for multi-boobed space chicks the rest of the time? That's the dream. Unfortunately, it seems most terrestrial companies frown upon bro-workers in the workplace since studies have shown that awesomeness hinders productivity. Thanks, studies!
To protect your special bro-worker relationship you're going to need to tone down the bro. Here are a few simple survival strategies:
CLUBHOUSE
Bros need a place to hang out, away from the prying eyes of the boss. Here's a step by step guide to the perfect bro-quarters:
• Fire a mid-level executive. They serve no purpose and their offices tend to have decent square footage.
• Keep the mid-level executive's assistant on the payroll. He/she (but shoot for a "she") can serve as gatekeeper to the bro-quarters while performing other vital functions such as ensuring that all video game controllers are fully-charged.
• Replace the office furniture with the essentials: pool table, big screen TV, super sweet Murphy bed that chicks pretend is tacky but secretly they dig it, etc.
• Come up with a "secret knock."
* NOTE: Not to be confused with the existing secret knock you tell the hot secretary on the 2nd floor to use, or your other "secret knock" - the hot secretary on the 5th floor. Hey-yo!
• Exit strategy. If your boss discovers your bro-quarters simply pin it on the mid-level executive you fired. In fact, this is exactly the sort of juvenile chicanery that forced you to fire him in the first place.
DRINKING
When bros hang, alcohol is involved 83% of the time. That's just science. And you can't let employment get in the way of science.
• Avoid the lunchtime liquor pound. Too many margaritas at Senor Guapo's equals puking on your boss's shoes.
• Implement the slow burn. Start the day with a breakfast toast then meet up on the roof throughout the day for "coffee" breaks. A good rule of thumb is one drink for every business-related email you send throughout the day, or roughly one drink every 2-3 hours.
• Purchase or construct a hide-a-bar. Make sure it blends in with your office. While old standbys like filing cabinets and oversized globes have stood the test of time, don't be afraid to get creative. I once worked with a guy who converted his radiator into a fully-operational ten bottle booze dispenser. He could whip up a Long Island Iced Tea without taking his feet off the desk. Tragically, he died in an office fire.
SPORTS
Bros. Sports. Enough said.
• Utilize office paraphernalia to create new games. Office chairs have wheels for a reason.
• Know your boss's schedule. He steps out for lunch, you and your bro launch into a game of hallway hockey.
• Abuse the company's season tickets. Between you, your bro-worker, Herm Smendelton, Lawrence Toothington, Frances Dollarsby, and a whole host of other made-up clients and colleagues, you should be able to lock-up those courtside tickets for all the good games if not the entire season. Oh, and you'll need to put-in for a bigger expense account because you've heard Bob Bamboo is quite the drinker.
BOOBONYMS
October 11, 2010
Dear Bloglodytes,
It's come to my attention that there's an alarming nickname shortage for those wondrous spheres affixed to the female thoracic cavity. I'm referring, of course, to boobies.
You're familiar with the classics: knockers, ta-ta's, fun bags, sweater cows. But what about their lesser-known cousins: Honka sacks? Blouse blobs? Milk bulbs?
Every bro should possess an arsenal of unique boob synonyms, or "boobonyms." Why? First, they're fun to say... suckle huts! Second, and more important, a dude must be able to safely and inconspicuously direct his bro's attention to an amazing set of swollen flesh papayas should they come bouncing by. Example: "Bro! Check out the brontosaurus eggs at your 5 o'clock!"
Below are 25 of my all-time favorite boobonyms. Feel free to think up your own but be sure to share them with the greater shirt roosters appreciation community.
Knockers
Ta-Ta's
Fun Bags
Sweater Cows
Gazungas
Floppers
Bikini Bombs
Brontosaurus Eggs
Chest Balloons
Speed Bags
Twin Peaks
Honka Sacks
Velvet Cushions
Suckle Huts
Silicone Sisters
Dairy Maids
Blouse Blobs
Strawberry Sundaes
Travel Pillows
Mike & Molly
Swollen Flesh Papayas
Milk Bulbs
Lady Turnips
Skin Spinnakers
Shirt Roosters
The Playbook!
October 4, 2010
My third book, "The Playbook", hits the shelves tomorrow - October 5. Go get one... hundred!
Now before you inundate the comments section with glowing praise and textual "high fives!" for what many are calling the greatest piece of literature of all time, you need to fully understand the power you can wield when giving a compliment.
While it's perfectly acceptable to compliment someone on an impressive achievement (eg. "Nice rack!"), did you know that a compliment can also be used as a tool to get what you want? (eg. "laid.") The backhanded compliment is truly an art form - the best will lower the intended target's self esteem thus making them more susceptible to the power of suggestion.
Here is a list of some of my favorites that are sure to get the job done as well as keep people in check.
At the Bar:
You have an amazing body. It's great to see a woman who's not at all concerned with the fitness craze.
At the Office:
The report you handed in was great. For once I didn't have to change the entire thing.
At Her House:
I love what you've done with the place. Modern and clean is so yesterday.
At a Wedding:
Don't worry. No one is supposed to look good in a bridesmaid dress.
At a Funeral:
Black is very slimming on you.
In the Bedroom:
It's okay. Not everyone knows how to please me. It's the effort that counts.
At the Gym:
Nice to meet you. Say... your palms aren't nearly as sweaty as your forehead.
At the Mall:
I really like those jeans. My grandmother had a pair just like them, but she only wore them when milking.
At the Dinner Table:
Your breath reminds me of all those innocent summer days I spent working on my uncle's fishing boat.
At the Library:
I've always said, "Nerds are the most interesting people I know," and you look fascinating.
RIDDLE ANSWERS
(sun dress; tank top; bikini, cut-offs, mini-skirt; strip)
From the files of Li’l Barney
September 27, 2010
I’m not one to boast, but from the moment I rocketed from the womb, air guitaring AC/DC, I was in the top .01% of awesomeness on the planet (sharing that space with David Lee Roth, Nelson Mandela, and boobs).
But I prefer to show, not tell. Here’s an article from the Yourson, North Dakota Bugle featuring a young yours truly. This document is on loan from the Stinsonian Institute in Washington D.C.
SUMMER BREEZE...UP THE SUMMER SKIRT
September 21, 2010
Tomorrow marks the last day of summer. It also marks the last day of something far more important - skimpy, revealing chick attire.
For at least the next six months ladies across the northern hemisphere will conceal their golden-tanned walking sticks behind formless cotton curtains and shelter their wondrous curves under vast garments of billowy wool. Why? To flummox dudes, of course. And, to a lesser extent, prevent hypothermia.
To commemorate the annual disappearance of tight, short, jaw-dropping clothing, I have devised the following fun page. Print it out, solve each riddle, and then use the boxed letters to unscramble the answer to the MEGA RIDDLE.
What flowing cotton frock sends a dude’s minute hand straight to 12 o’clock?
___ ___ ___ ___ [___] ___ ___ ___
What strappy upper favors the double D-cupper?
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ [___]
What two piece swimmer makes the testes simmer?
___ ___ ___ [___] ___ ___
Worn too tight what pelvic shield of denim can lead to premature male venom?
___ ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ [___]
What tiny number cut above the knees would stop a man’s heart if she ever dropped her keys?
___ ___ ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ ___ [___]
MEGA RIDDLE
Autumn nears and chicks bundle up to hide their boobs from bros, so in our heads is where we go to ___________ their frumpy clothes.
[___] [___] [___] [___] [___]
Answers next week!
45
May 24, 2010
We’ve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOU’RE AT LEAST 45.
Here’s why.
• Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children won’t be as obnoxiously loud.
• After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks.
• According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20’s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin.
• Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger?
• The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely you’ll be changing your baby’s diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop.
BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN AND SO CAN YOU…
Recently my best friend Ted gave me one of the greatest gifts ever: he died his hair blonde. I took the opportunity to load up on some call-outs…
Call-Outs for Blonde Ted
Hey Ted, is it a nice day for a White Wedding?
Oh come one, just give me one rebel yell.
Ooh, did I accidentally catch you dancing with yourself?
I didn’t recognize you without your overalls and slingshot, Dennis.
If anyone's looking for the real Slim Shady, he's right here.
Did it suck when your parents left you "Home Alone?"
Do you ever regret leaving The Police to start your solo career?
Working with Sylvester Stallone must have been intense, Brigitte Nielsen OR Dolph Lundgren from Rocky 4.
Is it true that gentlemen prefer you?
You look a little down… did you just say goodbye to the yellow brick road?
Little cold to be out without your kerchief, Fred from Scooby Doo.
This morning was your porridge too hot, too cold, or just right?
Talk about trying to fill Sean Connery or Roger Moore’s shoes as the new James Bond.
You look a lot taller in person, Dame Judi Dench.
What have you been up to since “Silver Spoons?”
Movie Review: The Wedding Bride (2010)
May 17, 2010
When At First You Don’t Succeed
By BARNEY STINSON
When we first meet Jed Mosely, the vile antagonist in “The Wedding Bride,” he’s in his dimly lit office holding a peppermint latte and berating a nearby assistant. He rips a huge fart and then spills the latte all over his lap. It’s hilarious. But it’s also heartbreaking. Because it is this force – the force of Jed’s fart – that we know our protagonist will be up against.
Tony Grafanello’s brilliant debut drama is a brutally honest portrayal of one man’s journey to win back the woman he loves. That man, Tony (played by a pitch-perfect Jason Lewis) must battle the odds and his own regret, in an attempt to stop Stella (an emotive and bosomy Malin Akerman) from marrying lothario architect Jed (Chris Kattan in his finest hour).
As most love stories are, “The Wedding Bride” is simple. Yet a subterranean complexity exists, derived not from any convenient plot devices but from the intricate characters borne out of Mr. Grafanello’s pen. He is a master craftsman: delicate and compassionate, a keen observer of the human condition. For example, in the 84-minute strip club scene, we watch Ted take a dollar bill from his wallet not once, not twice, but fifty-six times. And in each of these fifty-six little moments, we feel the pain of the dancers, the hurt of the bartenders, and the longing of the disc jockey.
The entire cast is solid, but it is Mr. Kattan who steals the show. He turns in what is sure to be an Oscar-nominated performance as the biggest douchebag cinema has ever known. At a breezy 200 minutes, “The Wedding Bride” is not to be missed. It rips out your heart and punches you directly in the balls with it.
“Let me make you my wedding bride,” Tony begs Stella near the end of the film, tears streaming down his face. And in the end, you want her to say yes.
“The Wedding Bride” is rated R for adult language, frank depictions of emotional and physical violence, and extremely long sequences of full-frontal male nudity.
Opens on Friday in New York, Los Angeles and Corpus Christi
Starring Chris Kattan, Jason Lewis, Malin Akerman, and Matt Blitz. Written and Directed by Tony Grafanello.
Kiddie Rules
May 10, 2010
Children. They’re like little fender benders that don’t go away and poop a lot. Luckily for me I’m a safe driver and wear about thirty seat belts… if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone “drives” safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident.
Now I understand I can’t stop the world from procreating. It’s not like Uncle Barney is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it. If you have friends that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their lives and those of everyone in their immediate vicinity I encourage you to generate a list of guidelines for them to follow. Here’s a sampling of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I presented to Marshall and Lily:
1. You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me heroically catching it.
4. No breastfeeding in front of me.
5. Forget about 4, it’s cool.
10. It’s middle name must be Barney.
14. Lily has to lose the baby weight by bikini season.
17. If I’m hungry you have to feed me first.
25. Never ask me to babysit.
25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age.
32. As tempting as it might be, you’re forbidden from using a 19th century president’s last name as the baby’s first name.
34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me.
38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time.
39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a picture of me having sex.
42. When it’s of age, I get to have the “sex talk” with it.
45. The baby must wear a suit once a week.
46. The baby must call me dad.
50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want.
50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil’ version of what I’m dressed as.
55. It’s first word must be, “Barney.”
59. It has to like me more than Ted.
62. Me, Ted, and Marshall get to re-enact the movie, “Three Men and a Baby” for a weekend.
65. You must introduce me to hot single moms.
66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher conferences.
69. Sixty nine. Always funny.
72. I get to bring it to look at colleges.
76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000.
83. … and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club should come to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it is your fault for having the baby in the first place.
Shedding a Tear
April 19, 2010
A dear bro of mine recently attended the wedding of his best friend’s mother and the unthinkable happened: he cried. As you already know, there are a few occasions where a bro is permitted to shed a tear, like when your favorite suit goes out of style, or during the final scene of “Field of Dreams, or the entire week leading up to Bob Barker’s retirement. Normally, I’d consider open-weeping a mockable and unforgivable offense. However, knowing the total awesomeness of this particular bro, I’d like to take a moment and examine the source of the sorrow: the groom’s self-penned song to his bride.
What History Says
April 12, 2010
My best friend Ted and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But that’s stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously aren’t true.
Alexander the Great 320 B.C.
What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt.
Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or “A-Train,” as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning.
Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773
What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution.
Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for our founding bros.
Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863
What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg.
Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. He’d been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. “Four score” isn’t even a number… it’s a solid weekend. What up.
Titanic April 10, 1912
What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I don’t think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesn’t get you a large insurance settlement.
Moon Landing July 20, 1969
What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon.
Truth: Uh, it’s the freakin’ moon. It’s super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Jersey. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60’s and that’s what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.
How To Take Perfect Pictures
March 22, 2010
Loyal subjects,
To make up for the crushing, yet inevitable loss of your beloved alma mater from the NCAA tournament (just be thankful you got to play, East Tennessee State), I thought I’d give you a gift in this week’s blog. Behold… the Perfect Picture. In today’s technologically-driven society, 83 percent of all layage is a direct result of the pictures you post on your social networking page.
“Okay, so how do I take the Perfect Picture,” you ask? Easy. Look at any picture of me.
“But Barney,” you’re saying, “I don’t look like you.” True, but maybe that’s because I’m not wearing a backwards trucker hat or standing shirtless next to a pimped-out Civic. You need help. Here it is.
How To Take Perfect Pictures
Step 1: Put on a suit. Just kidding. You’re already wearing one. Right? RIGHT?!
Step 2: Stand in front of a full-length mirror and practice your “perfect pose.” Things to focus on: angling your body in relation to the lens so you appear strong and sexual (think Barack Obama). Also, you’ll want to broaden your shoulders to appear extra manly (think Hillary Clinton).
Step 3: When you’re at a venue where cameras are common (parties, birthdays, a camera store), listen for clicks, beeps and servos, as these are the sounds of digital cameras snapping away. Try to ignore the camera bearer and her friends’ “amazing” stories about how smart their cats are and put yourself in prime position for a picture behind them.
Step 4: Watch for premature flashing (aloha!), as most cameras flash twice. After the first, you have between one and three seconds to transition into your perfect pose. Don’t dawdle.
Step 5: Review your photo. It should be perfect. If not, a few hours of Photoshop can fix anything (exception: Meg Ryan). Now, post your photo and get ready to post.
BARNEY’S BOOK REPORT
March 8, 2010
Recently my best friend Ted pulled from his impressive library of chick lit a book for me to read: Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut. Since I’m willing to try anything once - particularly when a slut is involved – I decided to read it and provide my blog readers with a fair and objective review.
Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut
Anita Appleby
A “book” report by Barney Stinson
This is a stupid book. There are too many pages, too much science, and despite the promising title, not nearly enough dumb sluts.
The basic thrust (heh) is that chicks should withhold sex from dudes in order to force them into a long-term relationship. Huh?! In the pantheon of all-time terrible ideas that ranks slightly above of “Bet I can outrun that bear” and slightly below “bring-your-neighbor’s-daughter-to-work day.” I mean, if a chick really wants to fool a guy into a long-term relationship there are only three surefire strategies:
1) Become fabulously wealthy… think “helipad”
2) Develop a drug that freezes your body as it was at age 22 while at the same time morphs your face into a different swimsuit model’s face every two-to-three days
3) 1 and 2
Perhaps the only palatable part is on the last page in the “about the author” section. As it turns out, Anita Appleby is smokin’. In fact, she’s so hot I wonder if she’s part Amish. That’s how good she is at raising wood.
You might enjoy this book if…
• Your friends are looking for a new way to relentlessly mock you
• You find comfort and inspiration in re-examining your dating life through the lens of neo-feminism
• You’re in the market for a doorstop so you can see the TV from the toilet
You might NOT enjoy this book if…
• You possess a pair of fully functioning testicles
• You’ve got better things to do with 3 to 4 hours of your time than pray you don’t start bleeding out your eyeballs
• The chick you’ve been trying to bang wrote the freakin’ thing
A History of Hotness
March 1, 2010
Chapter 17: Pharma Girls
The following is an excerpt from my informative and well-received textbook tentatively titled “A History of Hotness.”
Super Bowl
February 8, 2010
If you saw the Super Bowl, you know I had the most awesome idea since free test tube shots at Spring Break.
Also, I haven’t had a lot of time to update the blog, so here’s a haiku:
To My Cell Phone
At my side always
Your ring, a hottie signals
Best wingman ever.
Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel
February 1, 2010
Roosevelt Peter “Mustache Pete” Drexel (pronounced Muss-tash Peet Drex-ull – August 9th, 1873 – September 20th, 1910) was an American major league baseball player who played in the National League for nine seasons. Drexel led the league in strikeouts his rookie year, and threw a perfect game on the last day of the season in 1896.
EARLY LIFE
Drexel was born in the tiny farm town of Skokie, Illinois. The youngest of eleven children, Drexel was a rapscallion with a nose for trouble that followed him around throughout his life. And that nose was broken quite a few times because of that trouble. While deer hunting one day with three of his brothers on their property, Pete saw a four-point buck, took aim and fired his rifle. The backfire knocked the young Drexel down, where he landed face first into a pile of mud. When he got back up from the ground, the mud was caked all over his top lip, forming what gave the appearance of a thick black mustache. His brothers dubbed him “Mustache Pete” and the name stuck with him for the rest of his life.
PROFESSIONAL CAREER
Two of Drexel’s brothers played on the Skokie Sentinels, a semi-pro team made up mostly of farmers, bricklayers and self professed “man-whores.” “Mustache” Pete Drexel, thought too young to take the field, spent the games selling bathtub gin to fans in the stands. One particular game, after a foul ball came his way, he threw it back to the pitcher and nearly knocked his glove off. The team was so impressed they offered “Mustache” Pete a contract that very day. Pete was hesitant to sign until several attractive females in the stands referred to him as “resembling a more handsome Abraham Lincoln.” Pete quickly became the team’s number one pitcher and won the hearts of fans and the local Skokie girls alike.
Two years into his Skokie Sentinel days, a scout for the Chicago Cubs, impressed by “Mustache” Pete’s play, as well as his thick, luxurious mustache, offered him a contract with the big league club. Pete signed the deal, and put a provision in the contract that he “be paid half in cash and half in snuff.”
During his time with the Cubs, “Mustache” Pete was a fan favorite as a fun-loving, womanizing flame throwing right-hander. It is believed that Drexel coined the term “mustache ride” during one of his many encounters with the friendly ladies of Chicago.
THE LABRADOR INCIDENT
On September 27th, 1903, “Mustache” Pete Drexel was pitching the first game of a doubleheader against the Cincinnati Red Stockings. While in mid windup, a Labrador retriever (belonging to the head groundskeeper) ran onto the mound and attacked Drexel.
Apparently mustaches reminded the dog of its original abusive owner and thus showed no mercy on Drexel, attacking his face, arms, and legs until the home plate umpire was able to distract the dog by grabbing a bratwurst from a fan and throwing it into shallow left field, thus coining the term “hot dog.”
There is some controversy to how the Labrador managed to reach the field. At the time, rumors abounded that the mad beast had been purposely set on Drexel by none other than Marcus Diller, Drexel’s rival both on the mound and in the bedroom. No formal accusations were ever made, though with Diller’s close ties to the Chicago underworld, this was hardly surprising. What is known, is that for the rest of his life, “Muttonchops” Marcus Diller, no matter how hard he tried, could never manage to grow a mustache.
Unfortunately, “Mustache” Pete never fully recovered from the injuries sustained and was forced to retire from professional baseball soon after.
LIFE AFTER BASEBALL
After his dog-attack injuries forced him from the game, Drexel settled down on a tiny farm on the outskirts of his hometown in Illinois. There he married Shirley Johnson, a widower and heiress to the Johnson Magnet fortune, and they had no children. At the age of 37, he died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail.
Martin Luther King Day
January 18, 2010
Today is Martin Luther King Day; he was a pretty awesome bro. He taught us to have dreams and stuff. So I thought I’d share with you mine:
I Have A Dream
I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good."
I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.
I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever.
I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free.
I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only “Predator” 24 hours a day.
I have a dream that feels like I’m falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something?
I have a dream that babies don’t cry on planes, that men don’t wear Uggs, that “second base” replaces the handshake, that girls leave when you’re done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a woman’s chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you don’t want me to look there.
I have a dream.
Girls vs. Suits – This Time Its Personal!
January 11, 2010
There are few things I love more than suits. There are few things I love more than boobs. But to pit boobs up against suits – it’s almost unbearable. It’s Sophie’s Choice, only instead of choosing between some stupid kids, the choices are things that actually matter.
Far outweighing other classic battles such as Ali vs. Foreman, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, or Alien vs. Predator, the winner of the epic battle demanded a fitting coronation celebration.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the winner:
DRESS TO IMPRESS
December 7, 2009
“If you don’t use it, you lose it” is an ancient biblical proverb that I strictly follow in my pursuit of being awesome. It’s a scientific fact that your awesome muscles can atrophy if not properly tested on a consistent basis. This of course is why I recently accepted the challenge of trying to get laid while wearing a pair of overalls – (Sex Difficulty Level - 8.2). However, please keep in mind that not everyone’s at my master level – so here are a few easier ones to try to keep in shape and thus not “lose it.”
Leather Vest* Difficulty level 5.7
A vest should never be seen outside a perfectly tailored three piece suit. Ladies, with their heightened sense of fashion, instinctually know this. NOTE: the difficulty level drops to a 2.1 if worn in a biker bar and down to a 1.4 if worn at a rodeo.
Fast Food Uniform* Difficulty level 6.9 / 4.8 (city/highway)
By proudly declaring your minimum wage status you might think the ladies will refuse to show interest. However, in this case, it’s all about the demographic. Cougars looking to recapture the glow of their youth will find you irresistible, especially if said uniform is complete w/ a funny wedge cap. NOTE: Remember to shave as a baby face is the ticket to glory.
Hawaiian Shirt* Difficulty level 2.4
Loud prints and a complete lack of tailoring may be repellant to you, but like the fast food uniform above, it will appeal to a certain demographic – in this case girls with daddy issues. The shirt will remind them of the infrequent vacations with their families, the only time in their childhood where dad paid any attention to them at all – at least before he was four umbrella drinks deep.
Vampire* Difficulty level 1.0
If you need a confidence boost try this one. Simply apply some white face powder and a soulful yet wounded gaze. Mention that you have been alive for a hundred years and that the moment you saw her, you knew she was the one you had waited an eternity for. Refuse to eat or drink anything in her presence and rattle off some sob stories about how much it rains in your small Washington town.
* Null and void if you’re in a band. Rocker types can wear anything and get laid. Cheating? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.
THE SLAP STOPS HERE!
November 23, 2009
To Whom It May Concern:
A few years ago, I, Barnabus Stinson, Esq., lost a slap bet. A man of my word, I graciously accepted my defeat with good cheer, humor, and most importantly, good looks. Unfortunately not everyone else involved in said bet has acted in such a gracious and professional manner, hence this letter of concern.
It has become increasingly evident that since the initiation of our slap bet in November of 2006, the judgment and impartiality of the Slap Bet Commissioner has become, to put it mildly, compromised. Submitted below are numerous examples of her incompetence:
- BIAS; On at least one occasion the Commissioner has had improper sexual contact with the other Slap Bet participant, Mr. Marshall Eriksen. If you’ve ever seen Marshall, you’ll know what I mean by improper – she could do much better.
- UNFAMILIARITY WITH THE SLAPBOOK; Recently, the Commissioner declared that slaps were transferable, a clear violation of both the spirit of Slap Bet as well as section 44.3 of the Slapbook as reprinted here:
44.3 Slap Transference
Are slaps transferable? Of course not.
- JUDGMENT ERRATA; The Commissioner loves the band “LFO.” Bad judgment? Check. Subsequently:
- PERSONAL ADDICTION; The Commissioner is addicted to shopping… girl be shopping! Will she rule in someone’s favor in exchange for a new pair of flat heel brown leather boots with whipstitch detailing? It’d be best if we never have to answer that question.
- PATRIOTIC ALLEGIANCE; There is no conclusive evidence one way or the other regarding the Commissioner’s affiliation with the Communist party. Is she a card-carrying member? I don’t know, but she sure wears a lot of red. A lot.
- IS A STUPID JERKFACE WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GET SLAPPED IN THE FACE; Yeah, what that guy said!
It is with this evidence in mind that I petition to have the Slap Bet Commissioner, Lilith Eriksen (NEE Aldrin), removed from her Slapreme Office, effective immediately. Please email Barneystinson@yahoo.com to sign the petition.
Humbly and handsomely yours,
Barney Stinson
THE PLAYBOOK
November 16, 2009
Dearest blog readers,
Recently I had cause to re-visit one of my most cherished literary works: “The Playbook.” Included in this weighty tome is every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle I’ve ever used or hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. While I’m not yet ready to release “The Playbook” in its entirety I will reward your loyal patronage with one of my favorites: The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
-Barnabus Stinson
“THE LORENZO VON MATTERHORN”
Target type: Doe-eyed star lovers, Romantics, Smartphone-wielding business types
Difficulty Level: Greenhorn
Preparation Time: Three quarters of a football game
Requirements: Basic knowledge of website design, A very unique fake name
Props: n/a
Costume: n/a
The Play
Think up a fake name. Have you got it? Good. Generate a series of websites devoted to the incredible life of your fake persona. While you should unbridle your creativity with your back story, as you write keep in mind that scientific studies of science have shown women find the following qualities most attractive: wealthy, powerful, animal lover-y. Also, it never hurts to suggest you have a giant penis. (See below:)
With your fake websites uploaded to the World Wide Web, it’s time to hit your favorite local pick-up spot and select your target, preferably someone with a real nice phone. Approach her and hover around until she makes eye contact with you. When she does, say, “Yeah, it’s me,” and following her sure-to-follow confusion, offer your fake name slowly and loudly. After she smugly says she’s never heard of you act pleased and say it’s a refreshing change of pace to meet someone who isn’t after your autograph, your picture, your vast wealth, or your vast junk. Now make a quick excuse and exit making sure to repeat your name again for her.
As soon as you leave she will get out her phone, do an Internet search for your fake name, and grow wild with passion for your fake persona. Return a few minutes later and offer to buy her a cup of coffee… And it is on.
Girls or Food
November 9, 2009
During a seventeen course meal the other night, I realized something: I talk a lot about women on my blog. And while that’s great and my advice has led to innumerable amounts of lay-age, sometimes it leaves other things by the wayside. Like food. I’ve been increasing my caloric intake ever so slightly as of late and you’d be surprised how describing the life force of the world can be synonymous with describing the life force of my bedroom. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the phrases below and try and figure out whether I’m describing a girl or type of food. Good luck.
1. “Tasty white breast”
2. “Large, meaty and can ruin your night”
3. “Swedish meatballs”
4. “The hottest thing ever”
5. “Just turned 18.”
6. “Asian fusion”
7. “Full of crabs”
8. “Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread”
Answer key:
1. Food: Chicken
2. Food: Steak Burrito
3. Girl: Swedish breasts
4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings
5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know it’s a drink)
6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + the Barnacle.
7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant
8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.
Barney Knows
November 2, 2009
Dear Mr. Stinson,
Long time reader, first time writer. The old lady and I love to bang. Been doin’ it for decades. This hasn’t been a problem before, but recently we moved to a new apartment and the persnickety fellow below us seems to resent the sweet sound of our love-making. Any advice for an old bro?
Sincerely,
Old and Still Doing It
----------
Dear Old and Still Doing It,
Part of being a good bro is not reminding the bros around you that they are currently not doin’ it (unless one of those bros consistently rubs it in your face, then in fact it’s okay to rub it right back in his stupid face, preferably with his girlfriend.) But anyway, because I care about my fellow bros, I have retrofitted my bedroom with studio-grade sound proofing. One could – theoretically of course – have Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson screaming at the top of their lungs in my bedroom - or belting out one of their hits - and not hear a thing.
But if you’re not ready to make that sort of financial commitment, there are still a few things you can do to ensure you enjoy the evening without bringing other bros down:
1. HEADBOARD: Instinct may tell you to push the headboard flush against the wall, but a bro in the know pulls it a good foot away. This allows it to swing freely and also gives her a place to safely wrap her fingers without the danger of getting squished and prematurely ending an awesome night.
2. MATTRESS: Though no one likes to bang as much as we Americans, the Swedes are light years ahead of us in quiet mattress technology. Why? Because even though Swedish chicks are hot, they are also easily frightened by the loud noises that regular spring mattresses make.
3. UNDERWATER: This requires some sort of oxygen supply and a semi-large body of water but I promise no one will hear you. Note: An agreed upon set of hand signals can save a lot of embarrassment as you negotiate sexual positions.
4. THE GIFT BASKET: Before adjourning to the bedroom, present your downstairs neighbor with some nicely gift wrapped ear plugs and maybe a candy bar or some fruit or something. It the neighbor is a hot woman, invite her to join you… save yourself $14.95 on ear plugs.
Canadian Citizenship
October 19, 2009
Picture this: You’re hitch-hiking in Winnipeg in July. Which means it’s freezing out, so you hop in without properly addressing the situation. About a half mile down the road, you’re perturbed when you realize the driver is a crazy murderer and before you can say “Stop what you’re doing, eh!” you are impaled on the blade of his hockey stick. That my friends, is a normal day in Canada.
Now why would anyone want to become a citizen of this backwards “country?” This is one of the great remaining mysteries of the world –- right up there with Stonehenge, crop circles, and why all Brazilian women are 10’s.
Well, I have a plan. If enough of us Uncle Sam lovin’, red white and blue bleedin’ patriots take the Canadian citizenship test, we can vote to make it our fifty-first state and dissolve it once and for all. With that in mind, here’s a cheat sheet to the Canadian citizenship test.
The Official Canadian Citizenship Test for Canadian Citzenship
1) Do you want to be a Canadian?
2) Really?
3) Which is more fun?
eh) Watching hockey
b) Having Sex
4) Alex Trebek is ________
eh) Canadian
b) Creepy
c) Canadian and Creepy
5) Which country do you most wish you were really a citizen of?
eh) U.S.A.
b) All of the above
6) Moose are __________
eh) A National Treasure
b) Good eats
c) Proctoring this test
7) The colors of the Canadian Flag are:
eh) Red and White
b) Maple Syrup and Mountie
c) Cold
8) Canada's Biggest Export is:
eh) Petroleum
b) Teeth
c) Mustachioed Game Show Hosts
9) Boxing Day is:
eh) A Holiday celebrated the day after Christmas
b) A day devoted to punching people? The sounds awesome!
10) If you answered "yes" to questions 1 and 2, there is still time to back out. Just get up and walk away and no will be the wiser.
Worst Night Ever
October 12, 2009
A few months ago, I would have told you being in a monogamous couple is worse than promise rings, worse than breast reductions, worse than male jean shorts. But I stand before you a changed man. Yes, Barney Stinson has learned there are far greater evils in this world than the perils of only one vagina to call home. Beware! A hidden danger lurks in the shadows of monogamy and it goes by the name of the “double date.”
I know what you’re thinking. Double dating sounds awesome. You have a brief respite from just hanging out with your partner plus a dude to bro out with while the ladies talk about shopping or shoes or cleaning or whatever it is they talk about. Plus, there is always the possibility that a few too many glasses of wine leads to a three-way with your bro left out in the cold or, at worst, manning the video camera.
But it’s not worth it. Don’t believe me? Check out what my former bro Marshall sent to me… clearly a guy so miserable in marriage that he’ll give anything to hang out with anyone else. Granted, Robin and I are ridiculously awesome so I kind of get where he’s coming from. But still. There’s just no excuse for this.
Notes from Class: Robin 101
October 5, 2009
College is awesome. Where else do you find such a high concentration of women willing to party on a Tuesday? Unfortunately there are classes. Here are my notes from last week.
The Barnacle understands that his peeps needs his tweets. So follow along with my twitter account. Here’s the link: http://twitter.com/Broslife
Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club…
September 28, 2009
Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress... maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?
1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, it’s disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts who’ve decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really.
2. A skirt or a dress says you’re not open to a lap dance. Candy’s doesn’t have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces you’re taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool.
3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink you’re graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.
4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams.
5. To attract the fellas. If there’s one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life.
6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that you’re a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel – you deserve to slip into those dungarees.
* A friendly “mahalo” to my TG/TS/TV readers!
DEFINE THIS!
September 21, 2009
I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasn’t a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless I’ve nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat… and also, just to be clear, I’ve slept with Robin A LOT). But Lily has carelessly thrown around words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and – worst of all – “relationship.” I don’t think so. Look it up.
re·la·tion·ship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] – A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
I mean, how ridiculous can one get? “Connection existing between people”?! What are we, Siamese twins? “related to” Um, no. Gross. “Dealings with each other”? We don’t have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, “here put this on” intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a “relationship.” But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought I’d offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact… well, the PG version anyway.
hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] - When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.
hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.
see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.
da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.
marr·iage – [marr-edge] see: suicide.
play·ing the field – [play-ing the feeeeld] – Banging as many people as possible.
just friends – [just frends] – Two people who probably could’ve banged that one night but didn’t and it’s been a little weird ever since. They’ve thought about it, though.
Barn·man and Rob·in [barn-man and rob-in] – A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places… but they do sometimes wear costumes, so… yeah.
UNCLE BARNEY'S MAIL SACK:
May 18, 2009
Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.)
Dear Uncle Barney:
When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from?
Marshall E., Minnesota
Dear Marshall,
First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed.
1 - Bees -
You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.)
2 - My neighbor's dog Wally
This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach.
3 - Rabbits
They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running.
Dear Uncle Barney:
I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?
Jack Package, New York
Dear Jack,
It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.
AS FAST AS I CAN
May 12, 2009
Getting out of a ticket -- turns out -- not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here's a Stinson approved practice test.*
Which answer will get you out of a ticket?
1. You pull an illegal U-turn on a two lane road. Freddy Fuzz waddles over and asks for you license and registration.
A: Apologize and promise to never to it again.
B: You explain you have diplomatic immunity. You're an ambassador from the country of Awesome.
C: Cry
2. There's a girl fight happening across town. You're doing 95 on the highway. Carl Copper flashes his lights. You pull over. He asks for license and registration. You:
A: Explain you're dyslexic. You thought you were going 59.
B: You do your duty as a bro and tell him about the fight.
C: Cry.
3. You run a stop sign. Trudy Trooper wants your license and registration. You:
A: Say you thought that sign was for your heart, because that's what it did when you saw her.
B: Hand them over. With your phone number.
C: Cry
Answers:
Question 1:
A: Ticket
B: Ticket
C: Ticket
Question 2:
A: Ticket
B: He turns on the sirens and you get there just in time to see the girls yank off their tops and roll into a conveniently placed puddle of mud. Then he writes you a ticket.
C: Ticket
Question 3:
A: Ticket
B: Ticket but also a fun night with handcuffs and a lot of "Yes, Officer!"
C: Ticket and she laughs at you.
*Please note that if you are a hot chick, you will never get a ticket. If you are borderline hot, (we're talking 4-7 out of 10), crying should do the trick.
CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS
May 4, 2009
I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That's like 100 women, twice...but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it's clearly just a numbers game, I think it's safe to say I'm in the lead.*
With the almost mythic "200" conquered, I started wondering how "200" fits in the pantheon of landmark numbers.
*Professional athletes, Pharaohs, and Kennedys excluded from competition
200 BY THE NUMBERS
3, 4, Knock On My Door
April 27, 2009
I recently encouraged my best friend, Ted, to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but there’s a more technical approach for intrepid souls that requires both advanced expertise and polished skills… the “Four Day Rule.”
As explained in my New York Times Best-selling book, “The Bro Code,” waiting four days instead of three gives you a considerable edge when it comes to winning over a woman, but this strategy raises many frequently asked questions from gentlemen callers:
If I girl gives me her number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?
If you call a girl right away and other guys follow suit, eventually women will expect timely correspondence… and that’s an unnecessary burden for everyone.Okay, then why don’t I just wait a week, or a month, or even a year? Waiting a week makes her think you were too scared to call and a month makes it seem like you’re even more desperate than calling her the first night. As far as waiting a year, experiments are underway to determine at what exact time period a belated call from the past will fool a chick into thinking you haven’t been able to get her out of your mind after all this time, which can lead to some spirited nostalgic sex.
I scored a few phone numbers over the weekend and I’m worried I will mess up the days and call too soon or too early. What should I do? Spreadsheet. Heh.
Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time to call her? Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voicemail, and then, with any luck, the ball will be in her court. If the gods are in your favor, you might even be able to set something up without ever actually having to talk with her.
Everyone I know swears by the Three Day Rule. Why are you such a proponent of the Four Day Rule? If everyone you know has heard of the “Three Day Rule,” then you can rest assured that women have heard of it, too. By waiting an extra day, you can really make that random chick you met while drunk feel unique.
The Fantasy Fantasy League
April 13, 2009
The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend –- imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest idea: Fantasy Fantasy League.
Last week some friends and I created our own fantasy fantasy draft board. The object was to put together the best possible fantasy by selecting (in any order) a PERSON, PLACE, and SITUATION. After randomly selecting a draft order, I went first…
As with most fantasy leagues, some analysis is necessary. Let’s go over the big winners and losers of this draft:
WINNERS
Barney: Locked up Scarlett Johansson early, then scooped up the Playboy Mansion, when it inexplicably fell to the second round. By closing his draft out with “snowed in,” Stinson created the perfect scenario – Scarlett Johansson surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who, it’s worth noting, like getting naked. Add in the apocalyptic event of snow blanketing southern California and you have very naked beautiful women preparing for the end of the world with Barney leading the charge toward heaven.
Lily: Solid location pick in the first round after Robin choked and picked possibly the unsexiest place on earth after an intensive care unit (assuming no nurses). Went for value in the later rounds and the diversity of picks opens the door for bonus fantasy entertainment - when she’s done handcuffing her Aussie, they can while away those long hours on the deserted island with a one man performance of Pippin.
LOSERS
Ted: Reached for an environment too early and then added insult to injury by choosing a lame continent. Sure, Paris might be an acceptable pick if this were a Shoe Fantasy league but with locations like “outer space” and “mattress store” still on the board, this bust of a pick may haunt him for years. His second and third picks were total question marks, not even worth mentioning. It was like watching the New York Jets at the NFL draft.
Marshall: Really? You’re going to pick the only woman you’ve ever had sex with for your fantasy? His other picks are all over the map, but at least he knows what he wants.
WILDCARD
Robin: I tuned out after Canada.
Old Person Quiz
March 30, 2009
For several years now, I've been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one -- because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond.
But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain't nuthin' but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act fifty, or you might be sixteen with a really good fake I.D., a body that screams eighteen, and a very violent, stubborn father.
Some of us don't know where we stand -- but as usual, Barney is here to the rescue with this very helpful quiz. Answer the questions honestly and find out exactly how old you really are...
You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You...
(1) Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round.
(2) Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening.
(3) Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow.
(4) This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?
Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You...
(1) Get a keg and a tent -- you're in.
(2) Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket
(3) Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days.
(4) The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.
Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You...
(1) Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight.
(2) Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays.
(3) Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again.
(4) Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.
You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You...
(1) Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out.
(2) Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party.
(3) You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler.
(4) You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.
You get a girls' number. You...
(1) Call her that night for a booty call.
(2) Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee.
(3) Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner.
(4) Don't call because phones are too confusing.
The stock market is crashing. You...
(1) Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market.
(2) Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street.
(3) Start looking for a ledge to jump off of.
(4) Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.
It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You...
(1) Fill a thermos with gin and step outside.
(2) Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak
(3) White-wash your fence.
(4) Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.
You just found out that you won the lottery. You...
(1) Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers.
(2) Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted.
(3) Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's.
(4) Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."
You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you:
(1) Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you.
(2) Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event."
(3) Alert an usher about said jerk.
(4) N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.
You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You...
(1) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(2) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(3) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(4) Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them.
For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth.
10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.
16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics.
26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up
33-40 - You may be dead already.
Oh Canada
March 23, 2009
An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research.
It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.
So without further ado, allow me to present to you:
Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.
Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves
March 16, 2009
After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.
The Greatest Story Ever Told
March 9, 2009
Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter
RE: Awesome Manuscript
Best Story Ever.
Casting Couch
March 2, 2009
"Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. That’s when you’ll need an actor.
“But Barney, actors are whiny and self-centered.” True, but they’re also professional
liars and –- as an added bonus –- very, very hot.
“How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit?” You’ll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: You’ll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free.
Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy!
CASTING CALL!
Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to.
Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as “Jessica: February 1st, 2009 -– Met at MacLaren’s Last Call” and “Tina: September 13, 2006 -– New Mail Room Girl at Work.”
Pay: Scale.
Seeking: Female, 18 – 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.
Skills:
- -- Hot -- like, at least a 9
- -- Must provide own swim suits, négligés...whatever “sexy outfits” a married women might have
- -- Willingness to perform own stunts
- -- Breathtaking breasts
- -- Willing to do anything for the scene
- -- Great in bed
Notes:
- -- May require nudity
- -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people
Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com
CASTING CALL!
Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever.
Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk” and “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool.”
Pay: $50/day. Some meals.
Seeking: Male, can play 6 – 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness.
Skills:
- -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting
- -- Background in improv preferred
- -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe – welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack
- -- Stage combat
- -- Willing to do anything for the scene
- -- Hot moms encouraged
Notes:
- -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is
- -- Moms come dressed to move
Please send headshots and resumes to Barneystinson@yahoo.com
Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door
February 2, 2009
Check out the most awesome résumé ever! www.barneysvideoresume.com
Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:
As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.
I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper résumés that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a… human… of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video résumé:
Bingo!
January 19, 2009
Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.
*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo
1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.
2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.
3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.
4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.
5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.
6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.
7. Have fun!
Uncle Barney's Mail Sack
January 12, 2009
Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve.
Dear Uncle Barney,
My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about up-coming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.
Sincereley,
Joseph Donovan
----------------------
Joseph,
There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.
DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.
DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.
DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).
*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.
**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.
Dear Santa
December 15, 2008
Dear Santa,
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.
Happy Holidays,
Barney Stinson
P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.
Everybody's Kung-Fu Fighting
December 8, 2008
Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled (Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear) others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, here are some great fights I would pay to see. Feel free to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be. Note: Answer key at the bottom of the page.
(1) Super Lightweight Champion:
Canada v. France
Baguettes meet hockey sticks in a battle of places that feature cold temperatures, funny accents, and weird looking currency. Canada’s slight edge for its proximity to America and for producing Pamela Anderson is immediately nullified by the existence of French-Canadians.
Which is the “better” country: (A) Canada or (B) France?
(2) Middleweight Champion:
One celebrates growing wood, the other celebrates poles.
Who wins the battle of fantastic holidays: (A) Arbor Day or (B) Flag Day?
(3) Heavyweight Championship:
Trebek v. Sajak
This “showdown” recently opened up when undefeated World Champion, Bob Barker retired. Trebek’s knowledge of military warfare and history gives him a slight edge, though if Sajak connects with a right hook, it could be lights out: 25 years of spinning that wheel has turned his hand to iron and if he’s able to channel his silent rage over never taking a run at Vanna White, Sajak could leave Trebek’s face in the form of a question.
Vote in the Game Show Host Match-up: (A) Trebek or (B) Sajak?
(4) The Main Event:
Both events have been staples of debauchery since the bleary-eyed dawn of man. Both attract girls who will do almost anything for a reasonable fee of plastic beads. While Spring Break holds a geographical advantage (celebrated all over the globe), Mardi Gras rocks an impenetrable fortress – not even Mother Nature herself can ruin that party.
Who wins the slap down of debauchery: (A) Mardi Gras or (B) Spring Break?
Answer Key:
Naked Man!
November 24, 2008
As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.
But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.
Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.
Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.
Step 1:
You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.
Step 2:
Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.
Step 3:
Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.
This works...2 out of 3 times.
Barney Stinson University (B.S.U.)
November 17, 2008
OPEN ENROLLMENT -- COURSE ADDITION
SOC 435 -- Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats
Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals.
Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only.
Professor: Stinson, B.
Class Schedule:
Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO?
An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.
Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO
An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones.
Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY
The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing.
Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO
Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddy’s Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution.
Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT
In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVD’s.
Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE
An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales.
Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS
Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World.
Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS
Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II.
Required Reading:
-- Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine
-- STA Spring Break Travel Guide ‘09
-- The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed.
-- The Bro Code
-- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Required Viewing:
-- Charlie’s Angels: The Complete First Season
-- Wild Things
-- Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994
-- MTV’s The Grind: Complete Series
Not A Father's Day
November 10, 2008
Everyone’s talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father’s Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.
But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.
Not A Father - FAQs
1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:
--"the penis poncho" (condom)
--"sex mints" (birth control pills)
--"outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
--"the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
--"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)
A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here: www.thenationalcampaign.org/unplanned/back2school.aspx
Doing Hard Time
November 3, 2008
As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn:
-- "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet
-- Busty blonde women make the best detectives
-- Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery
Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations – I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when they’re no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.
The Bro Code
October 20, 2008
At long last I have published "The Bro Code" -- the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. "The Bro Code" definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "what happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "how many pizzas should I order?" and "can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available both in book stores and online.
Read an excerpt here.
An informative and valuable read for men and women alike, "The Bro Code" is the perfect stocking stuffer (heh) this holiday season, but don't take my word for it...
Critical Acclaim for "The Bro Code"
"This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?"
--Theodore M.
"This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I've ever read, which means a lot if you've ever seen one of my husband's grocery lists."
--Lily A.
"You'll howl... with delight!"
--Stephen King
"Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche."
--Mike Tyson
"Finally! A book worth reading!"
--God
"Stinson beat me to it."
--J.D. Salinger
"Jefferson's out, Stinson's in!"
--Rachel M. (President - Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society)
"An entertaining beach read."
--Pope Benedict XVI
"Ewww."
--Robin S.
"Out of this world!"
--Alien (creature from another planet)
"I'm sorry what?"
--Maya Angelou
"I have a hundred words for 'snowflake' but only one word for 'The Bro Code,' - awesome!"
--Some Eskimo maybe
"This book makes me want to rethink my career."
--Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel
Interveneous Injection
October 13, 2008
When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage; the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic: reading him the most heartfelt of letters.
I Heart NJ
October 6, 2008
The fist bump. One bro's way of telling another bro: "clever joke" or "thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie" or "don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five. While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.
Can you match these momentous fist bumps over the course of history with their place on the timeline?
Eli Whitney fist bumps cotton
God fist bumps Adam
Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV
Martin Luther fist bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church
Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist bump atop the Olympic podium
Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle
Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist bumping a cat
China builds the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist bump barrier - (Other guy's arm falls off - never done again)
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist bump
The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump
The Host with the Most
(9/29/08)
Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?
Personality -- Check
Awesomeness -- Check
Good Looks -- Check
Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.
IS SHE LEGAL?
20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?
Location: International waters
Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board
AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT
500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest
Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo
Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps
Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants
Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society
FATHERS AND SONS
Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew
Location: The heart
Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son
Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop
Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association
THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR
Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week
Location: Milan
Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
1. Wear-ability
2. Remove-ability
3. Get-Barney-laid-ability
Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid
Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh.
DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET
Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship.
Location: A bedroom near you
Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas
Prize: Freedom
Sponsor: Trojan
"Together we can end Feelings"
Overcoming Illness
(9/22/08)
As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the “get well” cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you’ve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.
During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings aren’t even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of you who fear you may have contracted Feelings.
Keep fighting, America.
ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS?
What Are Feelings?
Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs.
Early Warning Signs
When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:
•Pounding Heart
•Dry Mouth
•Nausea
•Inability to speak
•Sweating
•Desire to say flattering things
If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…
Symptoms
•Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
•Lightheadedness
•An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
•Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
•Brunch cravings
•Explosive monogamy
•Happiness
•Failure to notice other hot women
•Crosswording
Transmission
Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.
Treatment
At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.
paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation
“Together we can end Feelings”
EMRGENCY RROOM
(5/19/08)
Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/
Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83% of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes.
"Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now…"
Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks?
uM. yeAh.
Why?
oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me.
That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you?
No.
Sure they don't.
Tey dwont!
Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living.
Wrll you're during It wrOng!!!
That's funny. I have not one, but two lady friends from last night who may beg to differ.
Twyo?
Okay, anyone who is actually reading this blog: You're being misled. Meeting women is not that complicated. You don't need capes or costumes or whatever. Just show an interest in what she likes. Make her feel special. Oh, and wear a suit.
iM ntt gong to payy you noww.
Huh. Then I guess I'll be a little slower with your morphine drip.
Nnnnoooo!
Barney's Mail Sack
(5/12/08)
Dear Barney,
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how you look really, really awesome in suits? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my doctor girlfriend, Zella Stinman, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my awesome best friend has incredible sex with one hot chick one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?
Dear Med,
Yes. You're missing something fundamental. Observe.
Get well soon,
Barney
A Call to Wings
(5/5/08)
Behind every great man is a great wingman: Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, George Bush the First had Dan Quayle, and Han Solo had Chewbacca. But sadly you can't just snap your fingers and find a Dan Quayle, so I have been forced to scrape by with Ted as my wingman for the last few years. But no more.
I am in the market for a new wingman.
Below is my "Application to be Barney Stinson's Wingman." If you think you're up to the job - and let's face it, you're probably not - please complete the form and mail it back to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com.
-The Barnacle
THE BRO CODE
(4/28/08)
Whether we know it or not, each of us lead our lives by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code."
Years ago, I set forth to compile and articulate the unspoken mores that exist between and among Bros the world over. While not intending to write a "Guide To Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and choose to pass this compendium of knowledge from generation to generation, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye… but not out of it - that would be a violation of ARTICLE 77: "A Bro never cries."
The Bro Code is a living document - manifest in its 83 amendments - and as such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy.
ARTICLE 26
"A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight."
A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps."
* SEE ZaBroder film
ARTICLE 53
"A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection."
In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story.
* Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages
** SEE APPENDIX E: "List of approved ninja training facilities and dojos."
ARTICLE 89
"A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro."
Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
BEACH VIDEOS
(4/21/08)
When you see a link to a beach video on this blog, you're not wrong to expect a little hidden camera work from a topless beach and some hushed commentary from your Uncle Barney, as exemplified in my forthcoming documentary series, "Planet Boob."
But this beach video… is priceless.
Sandcastles in the Sand
THE CHAIN CIRCLE PYRAMID OF SCREAMING
(4/14/08)
HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?! Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your office, as exemplified by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
SCRAPBOOKING
(3/31/08)
Retaining evidence of ANYTHING you’ve ever said or done is foolish if not actionable, particularly if you’ve said and done the type of things I’ve said and done. But I am human, after all, and have a unique soft spot for the many many many acrobatic moments I’ve shared with willing ladies over the years. So how best to cherish these memories?
Most suggest a tawdry list or tally - hardly the proper forum for exalting the unique feminine beauties who, at some point in the past, so graciously let you nail them. That’s why I suggest today’s nostalgic gentlemen create and maintain a well-crafted scrapbook. Here’s how to do it.
NOTE: Fight the urge to turn your scrapbook into a coffee table book. Lack of secrecy can and will lead to disastrous consequences, including, but not limited to, the destruction of your treasured scrapbook.
HOW TO MAKE A SCRAPBOOK
STEP 1: GET LAID
STEP 2: TAKE PICTURE
Something tasteful that captures the true essence of the woman. You’ll want to experiment to find your own style, but I’ve found the combination of zoom lens and cleavage to be the most classically rewarding.STEP 3: GATHER ARTIFACTS
For instance, did you conjugate in a hotel? Well that room key doesn’t just unlock a room, it unlocks the memory of getting laid in that room.CHOOSE A COMPLIMENTARY COLOR
Preferably, the background color of each page should reflect some aspect of your quarry. Was she Goth? Make it black. Was she a bride? Make it white. Was she a nun? How about a mixture of black and white.STEP 5: PICK A BORDER
Here's where I really like to get creative. On page 83 of my own scrapbook, I detail a roll in the hay with a strapping young milkmaid. We quite literally rolled in hay. Hence, I constructed a border out of strands of hay I later found attached to my underpants.STEP 6: JOURNALING
A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes those thousand words leave you little to no idea just who the girl was, or more importantly, just who you were. More information is always helpful. Here’s a sample journal from one of my scrapbook pages:Alias: Elsworth Di Bona
Angle: Prince of Norway – I was to set sail to reclaim my rightful Norwegian throne stolen from me by the evil Dr. Reifenstandt. It was a dangerous, and most likely, deadly mission but such was the risk necessary to ensure my family crest be restored to its rightful, noble grandeur. My enemies could have been lurking anywhere, so it was imperative I secure safe lodging for the night.
Girl: Jenni Hendriks
Measurements: 36-24-35
Special notes: Great backrubs. Unfortunately, roommate raised by elderly Norwegian aunt.
If seen again: Pretend you have twin brother; amnesia; or you’re undercover and can’t talk now.
STEP 7: ENJOY YOUR SCRAPBOOK!
Not only have you commemorated your conquests in a classier way than the traditional notch on the bedpost, but you’ve also embarked on a lifelong hobby that will bestow great personal joy for years to come. Which brings us to the final and most important step of scrapbooking…STEP 8: GET LAID AGAIN
8.3 Seconds – That’s All You’ve Got To Make A First Impression
(3/24/08)
Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the opposite sex – is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if she’d sleep with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.
Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 8.3 second barrier.
* Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit and asked the same question.
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES
MERCENARY
– Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a woman’s first thought will be, “Now here’s a man who can protect me,” followed quickly with her second thought, “I’d like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man.”VETERINARIAN
– A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any woman to sleep with you. Why? Because there’s nothing sexier to a woman than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies.ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER
– Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the “Def Leppard” patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night.L. L. COOL J
– Ladies love Cool James.ARTIST
– Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly you’re the sensitive guy – which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.HAIR STYLIST
–ESCAPED CONVICT
– Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and you’ll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).St. Barney's Day
(March 17, 2007)
They say Christmas only comes once a year… I guess someone forgot to tell St. Patrick. You see, next to Halloween, Mardi Gras, and that depressing two week window in late December when everyone feels lonely and desperate, there is no better time for a gentleman to go out carousing than St. Patty's Day. The alcohol flows like the swiftest Irish spring, chicks wear skimpy green outfits to commemorate the destitute émigrés of the Potato Famine, and even amateur pick-up lines like "Kiss me I'm Irish," "I wanna shamrock your body," and "Baby, you can banish my snakes" are surprisingly effective.
But beyond the joy of sharing several, rabid moments with complete strangers you'll never see again, St. Patty's Day is also a celebration of the many Irish innovations we enjoy the world over, such as redheads, violence, and of course, the limerick. Here are some limericks I've been crafting over the course of the last few minutes. Look for them in my forthcoming anthology of poems, "A Stinson For A Dream."
There once was a well-dressed man,
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from Killarney,
Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming O'Barney.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram.