HI EVERYBODY!!!!!! I'VE MISSED YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!
These two weeks have been an absolute ROLLER COASTER of insanity for me, and so I am super grateful and excited to take you through what’s been going on in my head through it all… I think it all started with what I now know is my tragic flaw in this game… I don't like being disliked.
I mean of course there are people in my life that don't like me, I have haters (HATERS BACK OFF) and co-workers that aren't thrilled with my existence but I don't have to deal with them 24/7, so I can either fix it or just not associate with them. That is not the case in this house.
Up until about 2 weeks ago I was doing a wonderful job of having everyone like me in my opinion. No drama, lots of friends and lots of good times… the only problem with that is that eventually you have to turn on each other to get ahead in this game and that's when things started to fall apart. I had to turn on Hayden and Nicole and their hatred of me in return was A LOT for me to handle. I tried to make things better with Nicole so badly after Hayden left that I ended up giving her ammunition to use against me, and use it she did, and well… which brings me to my next break down/break through, my second coming out.
As I lay shaking and sad and alone and abandoned on a block of ice in the have not room with no friends and an imminent battle of the block on the horizon I began to think about my life outside of this house and to remember who I was. I am a wonderful person, with wonderful friends, an incredibly supportive fan base, and the greatest family a person could ever ask for and yet I was a total mess in this house. I am a GRANDE for goodness sakes!!! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?? And then I realized what's wrong… I have been lying about who I was for the past 50 days. Hiding who I am, what I do, and who I love away deep inside me like it was some dirty, evil thing even though it is so beautiful. I felt like I was in the closet about my sexuality all over again and I decided right then and there that I was going to tell everyone the truth… the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. I was doing it for myself. I had hit rock bottom and I knew that the only way for me to make it further in this game was to remember who I was out of this house and be able to talk about it freely with these houseguests I have come to love and respect. I didn't want to hide anymore and I frankly wanted to lower my lying burden for a while. It was getting to be a lot to lie about who I was and every single action I was taking in the house all at once. I lost all sense of self. And by coming out I believed I would find it again and it would give me the strength to plow forward… And since I am writing you this blog from the HOH room after my fourth HOH win..… I can't help but think that I may have been right. Of course there are serious repercussions for coming out, I may loose jury votes, I may be hated more, people may feel like my presence is unfair, and people may also be fearful about coming after me… I didn't really think about all of that before I came out about it all because the consequences don't matter if I am not here to sort through them. And I am telling you that sad chorus boy shivering in the have not room wasn't making it another day let alone another month… So by reconnecting to who I am and being honest I believe I found the strength to make it to the end. And hopefully I am correct.
Now in regard to telling everyone about my sister. When I was 8 years old my grandparents drove me to the hospital where my mother was in labor and I ran into the lobby and asked the first nurse I saw pushing a baby "Where is my sister?" And she said to me, "Do you know your sister's name?" I responded, "Ariana…" and the nurse smiled and said, "She's right here." She was pushing her. She was right in font of me. And as soon as I saw Ariana I knew she was My Everything. I would protect and take care of her, she would make me strive to better myself so that one day I could be a role model to her, and I would do anything on the planet for her if it was within my power and even if it wasn't I would find a way to get it done. Ariana is more than my sister, she is my best friend and at times she's like my child (though recently I've been the child in the relationship as I am vastly more immature then she is). So when my grandfather passed away, besides it being a devastating blow to me personally, it wrecked me to not be able to be there for my sister as they have been unbelievably close for her entire life. My grandfather and I are the men in her life and without him it's my job to take care of her completely and I couldn't be there. I felt guilty and mad at myself and the fact that I couldn't talk about it was EATING ME ALIVE. I am not an internal processor. I tell all of my friends everything about how I am feeling all the time and to not be able to talk about my sister was too much. I don't go 50 minutes without talking to or about her in my daily life let alone 50 DAYS!!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!??!!!! It doesn't even matter to me that she is a pop star, I would feel the exact same way about her if she was in college studying music like I said she was. She is my sister and I can't live without her. So I needed to come clean about that as well… There was no option. I did it for me. And as soon as I did I won HOH again and got to see CURRENT pictures of my ENTIRE FAMILY and listen to my sister's INCREDIBLE music and it reconnected me to my life source… my family. And I feel like myself again.
No more scared Frankie who doesn't want to make enemies. I am playing this game as a GRANDE now. GO GRANDE OR GO HOME!!!! I'M FULLY embracing who I am inside and outside this house. If you want to come for me then you better bring it because I am reconnected to my light source… MY FRANKIESTEINS, MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY AND MYSELF. I know you ALL have my back regardless of what happens, and that knowledge will bring me to the end of this game.
I love you all so much…