CBS

Barney's Blog: Stinson's Choice

Posted on Nov 30, 2012 11:45am

STINSON'S CHOICE

Have you guys ever seen the movie "Sophie's Choice"?  Well, that's what last night was like for me.  I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life: deciding which strip club would receive my stamp of approval. 

 As you know by now, I ultimately chose to take my talents to Mouth Beach, but here are five other gentlemen's clubs I took a hard look at.  And I do mean hard. 

 CAMEL TOESUpper East Side

Girls

Buffet

Music Selection

Cleanliness

15

30

24

12

 This club's "rotund fleet" skews more towards "butter faces" and "normal looking girls," and might "more aptly be called ‘Elephant Toes.'"  But they've got a spinach and artichoke dip that will "knock you on your ass," and they crank Bon Jovi late into the night, which is, sadly, "the only thing that gets slippery when wet."

 MELON PATCHTribeca

Girls

Buffet

Music Selection

Cleanliness

27

17

26

0

 The curious proximity of the stage to the front door "instantly reminds you that Tribeca is short for Triangle Below Canal Street."  This "downtown house of delight" is "filthy, but not in a good way."  It's really a toss-up for men who have a predilection for beautiful women, but "can't shake the feeling that under a black light, this place would resemble Jackson Pollock's studio."  The only thing that might tip the scales in favor of Melon Patch is Weird Al Wednesdays, "when the girls play a rousing rendition of ‘Living With a Hernia' on the accordion with their hands tied behind their backs."

 THE FLAT BUSH Flatbush

Girls

Buffet

Music Selection

Cleanliness

23

9

22

15

 This appropriately named strip club offers some of the prettiest women in Brooklyn, all with "uniquely landscaped hoo-has."  If you get there early, grab a seat by the speakers, as "the strippers are drawn to the vibrating subwoofer for whatever reason."  If the speaker seats are taken, aim for a post near the Asian businessmen regulars, who "spend fast and big, often peppering the dancers in strategic locations with fistfuls of Yen."


ROYAL FLESHUpper West Side

Girls

Buffet

Music Selection

Cleanliness

14

12

25

21

 Though the cover charge "will cost you a king's ransom," visitors tend to get their money's worth at Royal Flesh, where even the bouncers are known to get "aggressively handsy."  Stay till midnight for the club's main attraction, "Guinevere's Grind," but be sure to avoid the first two rows of seats, which have been affectionately labeled "The Splash Zone."  Or rent a poncho for a reasonable $10/hour.

 

MEAT PACKERSMeatpacking District

Girls

Buffet

Music Selection

Cleanliness

0

12

19

30

 Though the dancers are "uncoordinated," "violent" and share "striking resemblances to Michael Jackson when he's mid-metamorphosis in the music video ‘Thriller,'" guests tend to find the establishment "freakishly pristine."  The stripper pole is "shimmering," the Champagne Room has a "hand sanitizing station" and thanks to new regulations from the Board of Health, "the toilets are hosed down every sixteen minutes." 

 

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