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Barney's Blog: Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Posted on Mar 25, 2013 06:00pm

UNCLE BARNEY'S MAIL SACK (heh)
Gather ‘round boys and girls, because it's time to unload Uncle Barney's Mail Sack all over everybody.

 Dear Uncle Barney,

I'm stuck in the friendzone. How do I get out?

 -George S., California

The friendzone?! Well, I guess you could have a highly specialized surgeon attach a set of male genitalia to your body. That's probably a good start.

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 Dear Uncle Barney,

 What kind of suit do you recommend for a young working girl trying to keep it respectable?

 -Amy Q., New York

 As long as it shows off your ass, it's probably appropriate.

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 Dear Uncle Barney,

If you and the rest of the gang starred in a movie, who would play each of you?

 -Laura M., Florida

 That's a tough one. For Lily, I think I'd go with the Wendy's spokeschick. That cartoon gal. They seem pretty similar. For Marshall, I would probably throw one of the Country Bear Jamboree animatronic dudes in a Vikings' shirt and call it day. For Ted, we try to cast Bert from Sesame Street (if he's available). And for Robin, I'm gonna go with Kate Upton… literally, because I would play myself, because let's face it… who's more awesome than the most awesomest person on earth? Actually… Gosling could probably play me. Or that new Bond guy.

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Dear Uncle Barney,

Being awesome must be very time consuming. What would you say is the hardest part?

 -Tim C., Connecticut

 The hardest part is probably Lil' Barney. And to be clear, that's an ironic nickname, because that dude ain't lil'. And again to be clear, I'm talking about my penis. It's big.

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 Dear Uncle Barney,

 In order to reach legendary status, what level of awesome does one need to attain?

 -Kyle Q., New York

 This is a great question that seems to always comes up at one of my seminars. As everyone knows, there are 13 levels of Awesome, ranging from "Small Woodland Creature Waterskiing Awesomeness" all the way up to "Douchebag Skateboarder Hitting Himself in the Nuts Awesomness." (To clarify the levels, we're working on a "belt" system, ala the martial arts, but using fine-grain leather from various endangered species instead… stay tuned.) Unfortunately "Kyle", to reach Legendary status, one must physically be Barney Stinson, and because of this picayune technicality, you will never be legendary. Bummer, brah.

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  Dear Uncle Barney,

 Do you know what the history of awesome is?

 -Maddie M., California

 Yes. But you'd never understand it. (See above.) 

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 Dear Uncle Barney,

 Do you want to be my wingman?

 -Ted Mosby, New York

 Oh, that's just sad.

 

 

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