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Barney's Blog: The Bro-Mitzfah

Posted on Apr 30, 2013 12:00am

THE BRO MITZVAH

Last night was my bachelor party and in true Stinson fashion, it was legendary.  I suppose a little credit is owed to my fiancée, Robin, who organized the entire night, but most of the credit should go to me because I did all the heavy lifting by coming up with the term “bro mitzvah.”  Now, while a bar mitzvah is the event wherein a boy becomes a man, a bro mitzvah is the event wherein a man becomes a bro.  Here are some of the major differences between a bar mitzvah and a bro mitzvah:

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy sings a section of the Torah.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro gives a dramatic reading of his favorite Penthouse Forum Letter.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy wears a head covering called a yarmulke.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro wears a head covering called a foam dome.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy receives congratulatory greeting cards, often filled with twenty, fifty or one hundred dollar bills.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro receives congratulatory manila envelopes, filled with one dollar bills for use at the strip club.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy celebrates with members of his immediate and extended family.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro’s family is strictly forbidden from attending.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy dances with his friends while the girls watch.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro dances with girls while his friends watch.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy lights candles to honor his friends and family.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro lights the cheap, over-the-counter cigar that Ted “sprang” for.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy fills up on gum and cake.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro gets drunk on rum and Cokes. 

 - At a bar mitzvah, the family often hires a professional photographer to commemorate the event.  At a bro mitzvah, a bro is put in charge of aggressively enforcing the “no camera” policy with swift yet powerful kicks to the nuts.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy gives a loving speech thanking his parents.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro slurs his speech and vomits on the sidewalk.

 - At a bar mitzvah, the boy celebrates his journey into manhood.  At a bro mitzvah, the bro blacks out and wakes up the next day with unexplained bruising.