SUITS FOR SALE!
Every once in a while a king must step down from his throne to mingle with his subjects. Not only does it stave off the possibility of rebellion but it also allows him to choose some hot peasant chicks to prima knock boots with later.
If he’s a good king (like me) and his subjects have been loyal (like you) he may choose to not only grace them with his presence but also with presents. Word play five! Of course I’m using the phrase “grace them with presents” loosely insofar as I’m not really giving you presents as much I’m selling you my old clothes, but I digress.
Here are ten of my old suits that I’m willing to let go for rock bottom prices.
BLUE PINSTRIPE – I bought this because I thought the pinstripes would help make me look like a Yankee. Spoiler alert: they did. It also didn’t hurt that whenever I wore it I carried a bat and a ball, chewed tobacco, and introduced myself as Jorge Posada. This would go on to become a very expensive legal problem. $3,565
WHITE LINEN – There’s only two people in the world who can pull off a white linen suit: Me and the God of Rock himself, David Lee Roth. Who wore it better? Let’s just call it a tie… you know, in case he’s reading. $8,495
DOUBLE-BREASTED ITALIAN – When my tailor called and offered to squeeze me into a double-breasted Italian I nearly fainted. I discovered he was talking about a suit and NOT some Milanese fashion model only after showing up at his door with a fiasco of Chianti and a sleeve of condoms. But the suit is just gorgeous. $4,000
AL CAPONE – For most of my life I thought the word “gangster” simply meant awesome. But then I found out there’s a second definition of the word, which is “well-dressed.” This suit actually belonged to Al Capone, a notoriously awesome and well-dressed man. Let’s just say when you don this number, the ladies won’t find you untouchable. $9,600
BIRTHDAY SUIT - Made from only the finest invisible linen, this number is perfect for celebration. Let's say... $1,000?
THREE-BUTTON HERRINGBONE – More like “three-button herringbone.” Whoa, weird. I didn’t even have to do anything to that word. Anyway, let’s just say this suit lived up to its name. Unrelated, you should definitely get this thing dry cleaned before wearing it. Heck, maybe even wet cleaned. $2,775
SUIT-JAMAS – For the distinguished sleeper. These classy bedtime threads offer the best in comfort and style while offering an easy access “pee pee hole” and “bum bum flap.” Don’t be fooled by unauthorized Australian replicas – buy the real thing. $1,100 USD
SMOKING JACKET – This one is devastating to part with. It’s the smoking jacket Hef used to wear while puttering around the mansion. If you’re wondering what pants go with it then this obviously isn’t the jacket for you. $186,472
SCUBA SUIT – I’ve used this suit to pick up dozens of lovely ladies in MacLaren’s and a few slightly-less-lovely ladies down by the docks. Comes with goggles, snorkel, oxygen tank and corpse locator beacon. (Note: This is a prop suit. If you try to dive with it, you will die.) $3,180
SAVILE ROW THREE-PIECE – For years this three-piece beauty was my go-to uniform for weddings, bar mitzvahs and the AVN Awards. The only reason I’m getting rid of it is because Ted said he really likes it. $0