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Barney's Blog: Truth Stretchers

Posted on Sep 18, 2011 11:00pm

TRUTH STRETCHERS

Recently I was challenged to recall any instances where I may have been less than 100% honest with a lady before engaging in intercourse with her. As you might imagine, I was a little offended. As a gentleman first and foremost, I always endeavor to embody the utmost integrity before sticking a chick.

Below are a few claims I may have made to women that, upon further reflection, could be interpreted by some to be partially untrue…


"I'm the crown prince of Moravia."

"There's no time to explain how I got bit there. I just need someone to suck the poison out!"

"The surgeons gave me a new face, honey. Aren't you relieved I'm alive?"

"Your husband is cheating on your with my wife. Let's get them back good."

"Me llamo David Beckham."

"If my heart rate goes under 80, I'll die."

"If I were only casting the white swan, the role would be yours."

"No, I'm a lesbian. This thing I'm wearing is just really lifelike."

"I found a way to solve the energy crisis."

"When I invented the cupcake I had no idea it would get this big."

"I don't think of pulling someone out of burning building as heroic. I think of it as my job."

"Yes. That's Barney as in the luxury department stores. In fact I may have to cut this short since I've just received a shipment of the latest shoes from Milan and need to select a few for our catalog. Ladies' shoes. And the shipment came to my apartment, which isn't too far from here."

"As a child I was diagnosed with a rare disease that makes my body parts taste just like milk chocolate. Apparently they're also 100% sugar-free."

"So I can't access the trust fund until I find true love. Like my great great great grandfather was finding true love when he built the railroads, right?"

"The hardest part about rescuing at-risk dogs is restraining yourself from punching those jerks at the shelter right in the mouth."

"Gosh. If I had to do it all over again would I have spent five years of my life building orphanages for children in Malawi? No. I would have spent ten."

"Unfortunately, I can't tell you how close we've come to being struck by a comet, just that we can get up there and stop them within hours… I mean "they" can get up there and stop them."

"Yeah, I've thought about penis reduction before. But then I think God must have made me this way for a reason."

"You invent one little iPad and suddenly everyone acts like you invented fire. Which I also invented."

"I love you."

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