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Barney's Blog: How to Dress... Your Baby

Posted on Oct 18, 2011 12:00am

There's an 83% chance you're gonna wind up with one of your own so unless you want to wind up raising a Ted, you better learn how to dress it.

RULE 1: NO UNISEX.
Next time you're casually standing next to the pack n' plays at the local Babies "R" Us projecting a responsible, yet sexy vibe for all those single moms (sleep deprivation = poor decision making = erky erky in the diaper section), take a moment to notice all of that teeny-tiny clothing. There are three sections: one for baby bros, one for baby chicks, and a third heap of hideous booger green and pee-pee yellow onesies. This pile of sadness is called "unisex" clothing.  Unisex is always a bad idea. It was a bad idea when CKOne was a thing and it's a bad idea now.

RULE 2: NO UNISEX.
Sure, like a hundred years ago no one knew if they were having a little Tommy Lee or a tiny Pamela, but we have science now, people! Science has given us rovers on Mars, Carmen Electra's rack, and now allows us to register for an entire wardrobe of dashing three-piece baby suits or poofy, pink dresses.

RULE 3: NO UNISEX.
When was the last time you shopped in a unisex section? What? You don't? Thought so. So why subject your newest little bro to that indignity? (And if you have been shopping in a unisex section of any store anywhere, re-read blogs 1-131. And then write me an apology note. Seriously.)

RULE 4: SOCKS.
Never leave the house without wrapping those little toesies in some itty-bitty socks. Otherwise every grandma within a thirty block radius is gonna stop to tell you your baby is cold. Also, have you seen baby socks? Squee!

RULE 5: SUITS. NOT A UNISEX SUIT.
Can't go wrong with a suit… just make sure the tie isn't too tight.

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