Barney's Blog: Escape From New York

Posted on Nov 15, 2011 12:00am

There comes a time in every Bro’s life when he needs to make a quick exit. Perhaps he’s been accused of selling technical plans to China, perhaps he’s “acquired” a rather large, famously cursed ruby, or perhaps he’s cheated on his girlfriend and can’t look into her eyes because he knows he’s broken the sacred trust between them. In any case, every Bro needs an escape plan.

As a gentleman and a scholar, I always have several of these plans ready at any moment. If one day I stop writing this blog, you may want to make your way to Vermont and ask about the reclusive, one-eyed arborist who harvests the most delicious maple syrup you’ve ever tasted. They’ll point you to old Jack Woodman’s cabin. There you’ll find me, sitting in front of a roaring fire, whittling a stick into the shape of boobs, and petting the domesticated raccoon resting peacefully at my feet.

Below is a table of awesome escapes possibilities. To randomly generate one of your own, simply pick a number between 1 and 10, then count through the table, crossing off choices every time you reach your number. When you’re left with only one choice in each category, you have your escape plan.