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Barney's Blog Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

Posted on Feb 7, 2012 12:00am

Loyal Barninians,

It's time once again to fondle the old bag with our greasy little fingers.  I'm referring, of course, to my trusty mail bag.  This is when I bequeath to you – my confused and poorly- dressed fan base – my considerable expertise in various topics including sex, philanthropic responsibility, sex, spiritual development, sex, and sex.  Here we go! 



Dear Uncle Barney,


Is it okay to finish an entire plate of appetizers at a housewarming party?

-Andy S., Massachusetts


Absolutely.  It's common knowledge that party apps are "first come-first serve."  And if you reverse that phrase, that's what I have stenciled on the wall above my bed.



Dear Uncle Barney,

An old lady wants to sleep with me.  Should I do it?

-Justin G., Florida


By "old lady," I'm assuming you mean a woman in her early thirties?  Regardless, your answer should always be a resounding, "fine."  Because contrary to what you may have been taught in school, old women are people, too. 



Dear Uncle Barney,

Do you believe in soulmates?

-Ted Mosby, New York


Ted.  Please. 



Dear Uncle Barney,

Thank you for submitting the photographs.  It's official.  You have the largest penis in the world.  Congratulations!

Oh, and by the way, the girls and I really enjoyed the "Washington Monument" tableau ;)

-Elaine B., Guinness Book of World Records


You're welcome.  And if you look closely at the foreground shrubbery, you'll note how I tastefully paid homage to Washington's famous cherry blossoms.



Dear Uncle Barney,

What's the best way to remove three hundred bee stingers from your skin?

-Mickey A., Long Island


I'm no bee expert, but studies have shown there is one consistently effective way to remove a "stinger," as you call it.  In our field of study, we prefer to call it a modified ovipositor, from the Latin, "egg layer."  The key is to swipe over the area with a hard plastic object such as a credit card, taking care to also remove the venom sac, or in your case, sacs.  Obviously this wouldn't be an issue with other members of the Hymenoptera family who immediately retract their ovipositors upon injection, but then again, I'm no bee expert… or, "apiarist."

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