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Barney's Blog: The Sex Tape Conundrum

Posted on Feb 21, 2012 12:00am

True fact: Every single person in the world will make a sex tape once in their life. Which brings up a question of bro-to-bro etiquette: Do you watch another bro's sex tape? I recently struggled mightily with this issue myself. So that no bro must suffer what I suffered, I with the help of some alumni from my alma mater, (they were working on some sort of lame cancer vaccine thing, pft, boring) devised a simple equation to help you answer this question.

Feel free to press play on that Blue Ray player if your bro's conquest is hotter than the strength of your bro-lationship:

H > ((.FF X Lbs) / 3A) X BrF

Wherein:

H = Chick's hotness on the traditional 1-10 scale

FF =  Freak Factor - percentage chance of your bro being into something really freaky

Lbs = Your bro's weight

A = Your bro's age

BrF = Bro Factor – being on a scale of 0-10, the closeness of your relationship with your bro.  0 being not a bro – 10 being your separated-at-birth Siamese twin brother.

Here's an example or two to illustrate:

Should Vince Neil watch bro, Tommy Lee's, sex tape?  Let's go to the formula to find out: 

9 > ((.76 X 185) / (3 X 33) X 7

9 is not greater than 9.4941 – Sorry Vince. You're stuck watching reruns of Baywatch if you wanna see Pam's cans.

Should Larry Flynt watch any of Hugh Hefner's many, many sex tapes? Hugh's probably not doing anything freaky enough to weird ol' Lar-dog out, so…

9 > ((.23 X 125) / (3 X 85) X 3

9 is greater than .33823 – Press play without fear, Mr. Flynt.

Should Chewbacca push play on R2D2's head to watch a sex hologram of Han Solo gettin' on with the Princess? Well, Leia is pretty hot, but Han has done the Kessel run and they do weird stuff on that planet, so who knows what he's into.  Plus Wookies are notoriously prudish, with the exception of having a bit of a furry fetish.  Let's run the numbers:

8 > ((.50 X 180) / (3 X 33) X 9

8 is not greater than 8.181. But, this is Leia in the metal bikini we're talking about. So Chewie's probably gonna watch, as well he should.

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