CBS

Show #3748
Dennis Quaid, Krysten Ritter, and Diamond Rings.
PLU: the undecided voters; what happens to the loser?; a saint in the audience; the latest Zogby polls; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, the Queen of the QVC . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-"Halloween is a fun holiday. It's when you pretend you're something you're not and ask for handouts. Sort of like running for president."

Although low in number, the undecided voter may hold the difference between who wins and who loses on November 6th. We take a moment to get to know the undecided voters.
ART CARD: MEET THE UNDECIDED VOTER
We see a photo of Todd Trimble
-26 years old
-Profession: Assistant Manager, Autozone.
ANNOUCNE: "Todd Trimble is a 26-year-old assistant manager at Autozone, who resides in Zanesville, Ohio. And he likes to snack on change."
Cut to a photo of Todd dumping coins into his mouth.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Meet The Undecided Voter.'"

I know what you're thinking . . . who green-lighted this?

With the election less than two weeks away, we were thinking: What happens to the guy who doesn't win? We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: (over President Obama) "If Barack Obama is not re-elected, he'll return to Chicago to raise his family, take part in charitable endeavors, and make speeches across the United States.
(over Mitt Romney) If Mitt Romney is not elected President, he will go back to pursuing his life's dream of becoming a James Bond villain." We see Mitt morph into an evil villain.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'What if They Don't Win'"

Earlier this week, the Pope in the Vatican announced seven new saints. Hopefully, you saint has been selected! The naming of 7 news saints is exciting enough, but even better is we have one of them here in our audience tonight. Dave introduces Saint Jeffrey Tompkins of Massapequa, New York. Saint Jeffrey stands and waves.
DAVE: "Great to have you with us, sir, and congratulations on this great honor. What are your plans now?"
SAINT JEFFREY: "I'm heading over to St. Patrick's Cathedral . . . you know, company stuff . . . and then I'm going back to the hotel and get me a cheeseburger and a whore."

Hey, when in New York . . . . .

ACT 2:
It's right around the corner . . . . Election Day. I know this because I took a poll and the majority said Election Day was right around the corner. Polls are big business every four years, taking the temperature of the masses. Dave has the results of some of the latestZogby polls.

Who will lead this country to a better place?
-47% - Barack Obama
-46% - Mitt Romney
-7% - Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady

How can the United States improve its image in the Mideast?
-17% - broker a lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians
-22% - support emerging democracies while insisting on religious tolerance
-61% - give away hams . . . . everyone loves ham.

Who are the Latinos more likely to vote for?
-90% - Barack Obama
-10% - Que?

The most important event of the coming weeks is:
-24% - the election on November 6th
-76% - the new James Bond film, "Skyfall," in theaters November 9th

Netanyahu can be described as:
-20% - the current Prime Minister of Israel
-80% - a delicious chocolate drink (Netanyahu . . . Yoo-Hoo . . get it, now?)

Do you think Mitt Romney cares equally about the middle class and the wealthy?
-51% - no
-49% - no response; couldn't stop laughing.

What people plan to do in voting booth on Election Day:
-51% - pull lever for Obama
-48% - pull lever for Romney
- 1% - pull their own "lever"

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR ROBOT WON'T BE INDUCTED INTO THE ROBOT HALL OF FAME - On Tuesday, the Robot Hall of Fame in Pittsburgh announced this year's inductees.
The inducted included:
Pack-bot - used to defuse bombs
Wall-E - the star of the 2008 animated film.

SIGNS YOUR ROBOT WON'T BE INDUCTED INTO THE ROBOT HALL OF FAME
9. Runs on 6,000 AA batteries.
3. Not made by Apple; actually made of apples!

My offerings:
-Only thing it can do is open a can of tuna
-Throughout its career, rumored to have been on steroids
-Constantly muttering, "oil can, oil can"
-Can't even dance the "Funky Robot"
-When defusing a bomb, doesn't know whether to cut the green wire or the red wire.

DENNIS QUAID
He's the star of the new CBS hit show, "Vegas." He plays the sheriff in Vegas in the 1960s just as the Vegas boon is starting to flourish. It's the beginning of the changeover from cowboy to gangster. Quaid's character is based on the actual Vegas sheriff of the time, Sheriff Ralph Lamb. Sheriff Lamb held the position from 1960 through 1978 and was the most powerful man in the region, even more than the Governor. The Sheriff was in charge of all the licensing; from liquor license to dog license. When the mod started to move in, well . . . . there's your TV show. Is Vegas still mobbed-up? Yes, but in a different way. It's now corporations. Same type of people but not in as nice suits.

Dennis is an avid golfer and shot a round with President Bill Clinton. Clinton shot a 98 that day. Let me guess, he kept his own score?
My friend was on the golf team in high school. When his tee shot would land in the woods, he would approach the edge in search. On his walk to look, he would put a ball in his pocket . . . a pocket with a hole in it. Miraculously, he would "find" his golf ball not in the woods but in a decent lie on the edge of the fairway. How 'bout that!

The fit Dennis keeps in shape by bicycling. He took up the sport a short while ago. He remembers seeing those people in the odd costumes cycling along the road. And now he's one of them.
Excuse me for a second while I check on something. Wasn't Dennis in the film, "Breaking Away"? Hello, Google . . . .
DING! Yup, "Breaking Away," starring Dennis Quaid. I think it's about a local kid who gets into competitive bicycling. I've been meaning to see that movie. I've been meaning to since 1979.

"Vegas" - it's the best new show of the season! Tuesday nights at 10:00 PM on the CBS.

ACT 4:
He's still here. From the audience, Saint Jeffery Tompkins has something he wants to share.
SAINT JEFFERY TOMPKINS: (angry) - "Dave, the Vatican found out about the whore, and now I'm no longer a saint! Thanks a lot, 'sdd'hole!"

That's too bad. But the good news is the Vatican is watching our show.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Swing back around Monday when Dave welcomes Denzel Washington, Pauley Perrette, and Paul Banks. I can't believe it's been thirty years since I was ordained as an announcer! Go in peace, my child.

ACT 6:
KRYSTEN RITTER
She from the new popular comedy on ABC, "Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23." Krysten grew up on a small farm in Shickshinny, Pennsylvania. She says "Shickshinny" means "5 mountains." Another source claims it means "fine stream." Hmmm, I looked it up and found that Shickshinny is located near a creek where 5 mountains meet, so take your pick.
Krysten left Shickshinny for New York City to become a model. Ooooh, that usually doesn't have a good ending. Krysten worked very hard when she arrived in the city, driven by the fear of having to return to Shickshinny. She now admits that Shickshinny is a lovely place, but not quite for her. What did she do while growing up in Shickshinny? She says she remembers spending most of her time picking up rocks and litter. She hates litter. She feels that people buy things just so they can throw it out their car window. Dave sits up straight and can't agree more with Krysten. Dave says he can't walk past litter without picking it up. It drives him crazy. ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! Dave saying this reminded me of something from the show. I will try to find it. Hold on a minute.

June 21, 2006; Show #2577. Dave is controlling the hose cam out on Broadway. He is shouting out instructions to the pedestrians. A stray newspaper page is dirtying up the sidewalk. Dave pleads for someone to pick it up. Nobody heeds. Throughout the program, Dave looks for someone, anyone, to pick up the piece of paper from the sidewalk. Later in the show when he is ignored by all, he goes out to Broadway himself and picks up and disposes the litter.
Ta da!

"Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23" - it's on Tuesday nights at 9:30 on ABC.

ACT 7
DIAMOND RINGS: from his new album, "Free Dimensional," all the way from Ontario, Canada, Diamond Rings performed "I'm Just Me." A half hour before the show I learned that Diamond Rings is a person.

And that was our show for Friday October 26, 2012.

I have to admit, I missed Diamond Rings. I left just before the music to hurry home. It was college night at the high school. Yeah, that's right, it's time to start thinking about college for my daughters. I am so jealous of the fun they have in front of them.

The Act One Bumper Tease tonight at the end of the first ACT went like this: ALAN: "Here's what we've got loaded up: the Top Ten Signs Your Robot Won't Be Inducted Into the Robot Hall of Fame, and Dennis Quaid. Take it from me, guys, this pickup line doesn't work: 'I've got an extra ticket to the bagpipes festival.'
Back after this."

Whoa! Hold it right there! Whoever wrote this never went to a bagpipes festival. Talk about 'fun'! Yikes-a-hootie, you can have one heck of a time at a bagpipes festival. Believe me, if asked, says "Yes" and go! Except for the bagpipes, it's a great time!

Actually, I love the bagpipes. My nephew picked up the pipes some years back and is now a member of the FDNY bagpipe band. I was invited to a fancy bagpipe ceremony some years ago when he first became a member. I coated my stomach and drove to the festivities to be held at a hotel in New Jersey. When I got there I thought I must be in the wrong place. Everyone was dressed to the nines; shirts, ties, suit jackets, some even in tuxedos. I was in jeans and a sweatshirt. I quickly called my brother-in-law who had yet to leave the house. I told him to bring me a suit. When he arrived, all he had for me was a suit jacket. It would have to do. I sat at the table with my back to the festivities most of the night. Who knew the bagpipes would be a formal affair? Everybody else, I guess, except me. Since then, I now over-dress when I go out. You can always dress down when you get there. It's hard to go in the other direction.

Dennis Quaid told a story of falling off his bicycle. He described it as going "ass over teakettle." Not sure if I ever heard that expression before. I looked it up. It's a variant of "head over heels" in a topsy-turvy sort of way. The Mavens' Word of the Day site explains that it was first found in a 1946 book about fighter pilots in World War II.
Found in the manual was something akin to: "He displayed a rump-over-tea-kettle aggressiveness in seeking dog-fights."
Now you know.

A friend was telling me he thinks the best music ever was from 1966. I said the best music was from 1969 when I was 11. Coincidentally, my friend is 3 years older than me. This got me to wondering that our critical period for music appreciation is around 11 years old. The music you listen to when you're 11 years old will be the music you love the most throughout your life. Yes, I'm basing this hypothesis on a two-people population sample. How close am I? How old were you when the best music was made?

I drove by Yankee Stadium last night. It was so quiet.

If the San Francisco Giants win the World Series before I get back, keep an ear open for Joe Buck's final call. He likes to leave out the actual making of the out. It'll go something like this: "Fly ball to center field . . . Angel Pagan under it . . . and the Giants are your World Series champions!" or "Ground ball to 2nd, Scutaro to Belt . . . and the Giants are your world Series champions!"

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
San Francisco Giants fans, it's Alan and Sharon Page.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike