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Monday, November 5, 2012 Alan Kalter goes gas gouging during the show.
Show #3754
Ricky Gervais, Simon Helberg, and Ty Segall.
PLUS: marathoners help out; Mitt Romney is nuts; the electoral map; a phone call from Mitt Romney; a Top Ten list; and Alan Kalter takes advantage.

" . . . and now, easily confused poll worker . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-"The New York City marathon. Nobody told me, so like an idiot I spent four hours in Central Park yesterday applauding anyone who walked by." -"A marathon is 26 miles, 385 feet. No, wait . . . . that's the line for gas on Tenth Avenue."

The brilliance of Mayor Bloomberg finally came through when he waited to cancel the New York City marathon after many of the runners made it into the city, too late to cancel their hotel and flight reservations. But the runners made themselves useful in this time of need for the city. We take a look at how many helped out. With the commuters having a heck of a time getting in to work, we see many of them piggybacked atop a marathon runner as they read their paper, make their calls, and sip their coffee.

You know . . . . this Mitt Romney is nuts. Did you hear what he said the other day? We take a look.
MITT: "When I'm elected, the economy and the American job market is going to be stagnant." We then see the mustachioed Mitt: "I'm Mitch Romney and I approve this message."

No, really, Mitt Romney is really nuts. We take a look at this.
ANNOUNCE: "Tuesday is Election Day. It has been a long, hard-fought campaign. But in the end, only one candidate has the strength and courage to lead this nation to a brighter future. That's why Mitt Romney is endorsing Barack Obama for President of the United States."
We then see the mustachioed Mitt: "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."
Blue states, red states, swing states . . . . let's take a look at the Electoral Map.
ART CARD: ELECTORAL MAP UPDATE
We see a map of the United States, each state in blue or red depending on how they will vote on Tuesday.
ANNOUNCE: "In this scenario, President Obama takes Ohio and Florida, and narrowly wins the election."
We see another map with some states differing then before in whom they will support.
ANNOUNCE: "In this scenario, Mitt Romney takes Ohio and Florida, and narrowly wins the election."
And then some of the state colors change again for another possibility.
ANNOUNCE: "And in this improbable, but fun, scenario, the electoral map spells 'ASS'.
This has been an 'Electoral Map Update.' "

ACT 2:
As a PSA, Dave reminds us that tomorrow is Election Day.

Surprise, surprise . . . it's Mitt Romney on the phone! Just a little while ago he was on Monday Night Football. Dave picks up the phone. Hopefully it's not collect.
DAVE: "Hello, Mr. Governor."
MITT: "Hello, this is Mitt Romney calling."
DAVE: "Thank you very much, Governor. It's a pleasure to talk to you."
MITT: "I just wanted to give you a call to see if we could speak directly and maybe answer any questions you might have."
DAVE: "Well, we have some time now, so please go ahead. Whatever it is you want to talk about."
MITT: "Well, you know, I like Honey Nut Cheerios, and I like Honey Nut Chex, and, uh, let's see. I like Crispix. Of course, I love anything with sugar in it. I like the most, you know, Sugar Pops and Honey Smacks, and all that, but I don't eat as much of that as the Honey Nut Cheerios. So I try to eat some cold cereal at the end of the day, and a full tummy and long day puts me right to bed."
DAVE: "OK. Well, thank you very much."

At least we know the Governor's position on breakfast cereals.

TOP TEN: OTHER CHOICES THAT EVENLY DIVIDE AMERICANS - Going into Election Day, Americans are evenly divided between President Obama and Mitt Romney.
OTHER CHOICES THAT EVENLY DIVIDE AMERICANS
9. Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney
8. YouTube baby videos or YouTube kitty videos
6. Jeff with a 'J' or Geoff with a 'G'
2. Mayor Bloomberg's Spanish or Governor Schwarzenegger's English

I didn't have time to offer any Top Tens tonight, but if I did it would have been:
"Quisp or Quake."

ACT 3:
RICKY GERVAIS

Dave is a big fan of Ricky's "Extras" and "Life's Too Short" and has been catching up on old episodes he's missed. Like "The Office," Ricky's projects seem to be of a very short run and always leaves us wanting more, unlike American television which usually leaves us with "OK, enough already!" Dave asks Ricky about the Hurricane and wonders if he's seen a change in the weather in England of late. Ricky says he hasn't, that it always rains back home, and the United States is merely becoming more like Britain, except with better teeth.
The election? Ricky is surprised it is close. Dave says he doesn't think it's close and that it will be decided early. For who? Well, he's not saying. He'll probably tell us Wednesday.
Hey, we haven't done this in awhile . . . it's the "Question of the Night."
Dave pulls out a stack of envelopes, each with a generic question inside. Ricky takes great delight in this, marveling in its talk show interview simplicity and . . . . its lack of effort. Dave instructs him to pick any envelope. Ricky surmises, "You've just given up, haven't you?" Dave laughs at Ricky's discovery.
The question: "What's on your TIVO?"
After laughing at the silliness of it all, Ricky says "So, you want me to answer that?" Dave quickly retorts, "Nah."
Ricky asks Dave about his shows without an audience he did recently. He wonders, "What was that like?" Says Dave, "About like tonight."

Look for Ricky on his new show, "Derek," seen only on the Netflix starting next year. It's how we will all watch TV in the future. And on Wednesday at Town Hall here in the city, Ricky will sit for a "conversation" for the New York Comedy Festival. And while you're in front of the TV, look for "Around The World With Carl." Anything with Ricky Gervais' fingerprints on it is guaranteed funny.

ACT 4:
What's all that noise by Alan Kalter? We take a look over to see Alan hawking gasoline for $20 a gallon. He shouldn't do that. It's illegal to gouge people that way.
ALAN: "It's the apocalypse, 'sdd'hole. All bets are off."
DAVE: "He might have a point."

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We'll see you tomorrow night when Dave welcomes Kevin James, Chris Elliott, and Miguel. The Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City is providing relief to city residents affected by Hurricane Sandy. You can help. Visit NYC.gov/fund to make a donation.
Thank you."

ACT 6:
SIMON HELBERG

He's one of the stars of "The Big Bang Theory." And a congratulations are in order . . . he's a new dad. The audience applauds and he turns to them to say "Thank you." For some reason, Simon's wife wanted to have the baby at home with a midwife. Ah, yes, making the difficult even more difficult. And Simon was all for this? He throws up his hands and pretty much says, "Whatever she wants . . ." What were Simon's responsibilities during the home birth? He had a list of things he needed to get, most of which could be purchased, oddly enough, at Home Depot. He admits to having trouble finding the birthing aisle. He had to get a bucket, a cooler, a rake, and a flashlight. Being a new dad, Simon wanted only the biggest and the best for his newborn. Simon got the biggest, most expensive, flashlight he could find. He had to rest it on his shoulder it was so big. Later he learned that the only reason he needed a flashlight was in case the midwife had trouble filling out the paperwork. It won't be the first time Simon over-buys for children, trust me. How did the homebirth go? Well, after 30 hours of labor, it was decided it would be best to do this at the hospital. The reason being because the baby had gone to the bathroom during the delivery and there was worry of infection. Simon was in charge of notifying the family to keep them abreast of what was happening. He texted family and friends and prefaced it a disclaimer that everything was OK. Not an emergency. No need to be alarmed. Everyone was fine. But the proceedings were being moved to the hospital because the "baby popped." The automatic spell-check changed "pooped" to "popped." Naturally, the family quickly called each other to find out exactly what was meant that the baby had popped.
Would Simon do the birth-at-home thing again? He blurts, "We didn't do it THIS time!" Happy ending, all are now home and healthy.
Simon Helberg - you can see him on the hit CBS comedy show, "The Big Bang Theory" - Thursday nights at 8:00 PM.

ACT 7:
TY SEGALL
: from his album "Twins," Ty Segall belted out a loud and lively "You're The Doctor."

And that was our show for Monday, November 5, 2012.

I made out pretty good in the storm; others on the staff are still without power. And others in the area, as we know, have been devastated. I stayed home on Friday and learned that the family would be going on a college-visit trip to Philadelphia. I was concerned about the gas situation. There is a gas crisis in these parts and was worried that we would be able to get to Philly but wasn't sure if we could get back. Denise told me she thought we could make the round trip. I wasn't sure if that was good enough. I called a friend who lives in Philadelphia and asked him how the lines for gas were down there. He said, "Fine, why?" I explained that due to the storm, power was out, gas couldn't be pumped, and the stations that did have power were running out. Gas couldn't be delivered to the gas stations. My friend in Philly had no idea about any this. If it's not about the Jets, Knicks, Rangers, or Mets, he's a bit lost. I asked him if he heard about the hurricane. This he did know about since the Knicks/Nets game had been postponed. He did tell me that he got gas on Thursday without a problem. He had also driven a friend to Newark Airport that day and wondered why there were lines for gas on the New Jersey Turnpike. With that bevy of information, Denise and I decided to make the trip to Philadelphia. Why couldn't we wait a week? Because Denise and the girls were going stir-crazy sitting in the house without school and without TV and without internet access. I realized they were probably not aware as I was of the gas crunch and the damage from the storm throughout the Metro area. I had been seeing it non-stop on the TV while at work. But still, I decided going to Philadelphia on Friday would be a good idea. We had nearly a full tank of gas in the van for the two-hour trip to Philadelphia.
Once on the New Jersey Turnpike, I saw lines a mile long for gas. I counted the best I could the number of cars at one station: over 250 cars. Ten miles later on the turnpike there were about 60 cars at a gas station. And ten miles after that there was a line of about 20 cars. And then when I pulled off at Exit 4 to head to Philadelphia, there were NO LINES for gas at any of the gas stations in town. Gee whiz, you could wait hours for gas or travel 30 miles and wait not at all. Obviously, communication was lacking.
We made our visit to Drexel University and then drove over to take a look at Villanova. Both colleges had their plusses. Unfortunately, my girls loved Villanova. I say "unfortunately" because it costs a fortune to go there. It's beautiful and has everything you could want in a university, but . . .. . Anyway, this was only our first college visit with a lot more in our future. Villanova did expose them to what campus life could be like. Before that, they were set on attending college in a city environment. They were very impressed with the Villanova campus.

We got back home from Philly on Friday night. I stayed up late scanning the internet that was now working to look for local gas for my car. I found nothing. And then at around 2:00 AM just before going to bed, I read on Facebook that someone got gas at the local Costco with less than a half-hour wait. You didn't have to be a member of Costco, which I am, but you could only pay with a debit card or American Express. I decided to give it a try. I got to Costco at around 2:30 AM and the line was minimal. I gassed up and made it back to the house. I took my girls' car and did the same. This time at 3:15 there was no line at all. I got back home and woke my friend who was staying at the house who was also concerned about getting gas. We went in her car and filled up after a 10 minute wait. We texted my sister-in-law and niece and they were at the station by 5 AM. By then, the wait was a half-hour. And by six, the line went around the store. By Monday morning, gas around me and in Jersey was starting to return to normal, though on Long Island the long lines are still on-going.

I wonder how many dads are getting a generator for Christmas this year.

Again, I was very lucky in the storm. I lost power for 36 hours and had no TV or internet for 4 days. Two blocks away from me and they still have nothing Monday morning. I have no idea how or why I have power and they don't. A lot of Long Island is still out and a lot of staffers are without power.

And that's Hurricane Sandy and me.

I never tell people who I am going to vote for because then I'll have to explain why. Actually, what I do on Election Day is find someone who is voting the opposite of me . . . and then we both stay home.

To the disappointment of many, unlike NBC, the Wahoo Gazette was not hacked today.

TUESDAY'S PREVIOUSLY-VIEWED LATE SHOW PROGRAM
From October 9, 2012; Show #3740: Kevin James, Chris Elliott, and Miguel.

See you again on Wednesday.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Australia's own, it's Chris Jervis
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Sarah Hyland

Wahoo Gazette Archive

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Friday, April 4
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Thursday, April 3
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Wednesday, April 2
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