Stupid Pet Tricks, Julianna Margulies, and Mumford & Sons.
PLUS: Mitt Romney, busy or not busy?; the Lincoln as James Bond; a Top Ten list; and Fiscal Cliff.
" . . . and now, hipster barista . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
During the pre-show Q&A, Dave was talking to a woman from St. Louis. Dave raves about the music and barbecue of that fine city. He then begins to explain something about the Mississippi River being the longest river in the United States and that many refute that claim. Dave says it's not the Mississippi that is the longest river in the United States, but the . . . . . . and Dave hesitates to allow the woman from St. Louis to answer. She says, "The Nile?"
-"Long gas lines in the New York metro area. To help calm drivers' nerves, many gas stations will now let you smoke while pumping."
-"Washington is coming up with creative ways to avoid the fiscal cliff. They recently sold a spot on Mount Rushmore to the highest bidder." We see the iconic Mt. Rushmore, now with Donald Trump.
-"The Republicans are already working to make inroads into attaining more of the Latino vote." We see the new and improved V.P. candidate Pablo Ryan. It's Paulie sitting on a weight bench in a sombrero.
You have to hand it to the guy, Mitt Romney lost the election last week but already he's back out on the campaign trail. We take a look at this new thing in his career:
ANNOUNCE: "Mitt Romney doesn't play favorites when it comes to creating jobs and helping small business owners prosper, wherever they may reside, which is why today he's pleased to announce his candidacy for president of Iran."
MITT (in a full beard, like that relief pitcher for the San Francisco Giants:
"I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."
And not only is Mitt getting right back in to the campaigning, he's also not. We take a look at how he is moving on from the arduous campaign journey
ART CARD: "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On"
ANNOUNCE: "Today, Mitt Romney sent his goons to rough up a guy who kind of
looks like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."
We see a guy who sort of looks like Mahmoud with an armful of groceries while waiting for an elevator. A couple of Romney goons approach.
MAHMOUD LOOK-ALIKE: "How's it going?"
The goons hesitate, make eye-contact with one another, then grab the look-alike and drag him off. The Mahmoud look-alike yells in confused anger: "Hey, no. You've got the wrong guy. Help! Help! No!"
The guy kept yelling until he got his 5 lines in to up his Aftra/SAG payment.
ANNOUNCE: "A Message from Pretend President Romney."
I can understand why the woman in the audience would have said the Nile when asked what river is longer than the Mississippi. I'm sure that's all she heard . . . the longest river . . . and not what was the longest river in the United States. It's seconds before the start of the show, cues are being shouted, and the woman was under pressure for an answer. The reason why some may rightfully believe that the Missouri is the nation's longest river and not the Mighty Mississippi has something to do with which river flows into which river, or something like that.
The new James Bond film "Skyfall" dominated the box office this weekend and now other films that are coming out are scrambling to compete with the blockbuster. We take a look at what Dave is talking about. Have you seen the trailer for "Lincoln"? It's obvious they're trying to piggyback on the "Skyfall" success.
James Bond theme music . . . . . with scenes from "Lincoln." The trailer concludes with the James Bond animation, but with Abraham in a top hat as Bond . . . . James Bond.
TOP TEN - have you heard about this kid who auctioned off "space on his face"? A Romney supporter paid Eric Hartsburg of Michigan City, Indiana $15,000 to have the Romney/Ryan double-R campaign logo tattooed onto his face. On the information blue card, I included his place of dwelling, Michigan City, Indiana, because Dave is from Indiana and thought he would get some mileage out of that information. DING!
TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS GUY'S MIND - Dave holds up a photo of Eric Hartsburg with the Romney logo tattooed on his face.
THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS GUY'S MIND
8. "Why are tattoo parlors always next to bars?"
4. "Mitt would've done the same for me." Dave tries to picture Mr. Mitt walking around with a "Eric Hartsburg" tattoo on his face. Ain't happenin'.
3. "Does Obamacare cover tattoo removal?"
2. "At least now I have an excuse for not having a girlfriend."
For the closing animation, Paul and the band play "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" by ELO.
STUPID PET TRICKS
1. Michael Sazen and his Senegal parrot, Kili. I'm always happy when a non-dog makes it into Stupid Pet Tricks. The parrot and Michael are from Brooklyn, New York. What can Kili do? The parrot likes to play with dolls and practice being a mommy. I really don't want to know how Michael learned this. On the demo table we find a toy stroller, a tiny toy parrot, and a baby crib. Kili picks up the toy parrot in its beak and drops it in the stroller. Kili then pushes the stroller over to the crib. Kili takes the toy parrot out of the stroller and drops it in the crib. Then she rocks it. Oh, yeah! She rocked it alright! Nice job!
2. Sarah Carson and her border collie, Hero. They are both from North Bay, Ontario . . . . found in southern Ontario. What can Hero do for us? He likes to blow bubbles! Sarah holds up a soapy wand in front of Hero. Hero barks out a bubble or two. She says she was inspired to teach the trick to Hero when she saw a dog blow bubbles in a bowl of water. Could this have been Misha she was talking about, a Stupid Pet Trick from February 16, 2009? Could be.
3. Linda Wright, with Ruger and Rogue. Ruger and Rogue are (Australian cattle dogs. That means they never stop. The trio are from Lake Elsinore, California Ruger and Rogue seem to like to play the mommy, too, as they take turns pushing one another in a toy car.
From the hit CBS series, "The Good Wife." Julianne just returned from a trip to Europe. She wanted to surprise her husband with a trip for his 40th birthday. All she told him was to pack a tuxedo and hiking boots. Not until they were near their arrival did he know he was going to Berlin. Her husband likes all kinds of music, from classical to metal, and enjoys one particular singer from Germany who comes to the U.S. very infrequently. Max Raabe is his name. Raabe was unfamiliar to all here except for our sound effects guy, Gary Kiffel. Juliannna says Raabe sings old songs from the 40s. Gary says he sings older songs than that; more from the 20s and 30s. According to Gary, Raabe doesn't sing the songs that became popular during Hitler's time. That's what Gary says, but that's Gary . . . you never know. Since Julianna asked Dave about a singer with which he was unfamiliar, Dave asks about Julianna about Kurt Vile. Doesn't ring a bell, for her or for me.
From the Wikipedia:
Kurt Vile (born 1980) is an American musician and producer, best known for his solo material and as a founding member of indie rock band The War on Drugs.
Just when you think you know Dave pretty well, he throws this at you.
Anyway, the show was a great surprise for her husband . . . and for Julianna. She didn't take into consideration that when the German singer was to sing in Germany, he would be singing in German. DOH.
Also while in Germany, Julianna and her husband had lots of schnitzel. That's like a sausage, right? BUZZ! No, it's not.
"The Good Wife" - Sundays at 9:00 PM right here on the Tiffany Network, CBS. In this week's episode, Stockard Channing plays Julianna's mom.
ANNOUNCE: "Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Soundgarden Live on Letterman. Soundgarden's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Also, The Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City is providing relief to city residents affected by Hurricane Sandy. You can help. Visit NYC.gov/fund to make a donation. Thank you."
Schnitzel update: Dave is informed via blue card . . . not mine . . . that schnitzel is a thin slice of veal coated in bread crumbs. I was with Dave on this. I always pictured a schnitzel as some kind of sausage thing. I guess that comes from my thinking a wiener schnitzel is shaped like a wiener.
We are approaching the much talked about Fiscal Cliff. No one knows what it is. To help explain everything we need to know is an adorable new Late Show character, Fiscal Cliff!
The scrim rises and we find a character named Fiscal Cliff in a dollar bill costume. He is standing on a cliff in a western setting. He chimes: "Hi, everybody! I'm Fiscal Cliff!" Dave sizes up what he expects will follow and decides he's already had enough. Dave says, "Yeah, let's not do that. Bring down the thing."
The scrim lowers. Fiscal Cliff looks at Dave with a sad face.
For some reason I keep wanting to write "Fiscal Flatts" instead of Fiscal Cliff. I'm sure it has to do with Rascal Flatts. And today I keep repeating the song "Birthday Sex" in my head but with the lyrics "Fiscal Cliff."
MUMFORD & SONS: From their sophomore album, "Babel" (bay-bull), Mumford & Sons performed "I Will Wait." I liked this a lot. I'll be looking for some more Mumford & Sons.
And that was our show for Tuesday, November 13, 2012.
I enjoyed the parrot trick. It took me back to my college days. For his Learning Psychology class, my roommate taught a pigeon how to dance to the Village People's "Macho Macho Man." All it took was some simple operant conditioning and behavior modification through positive reinforcement and preliminary magazine training. And he took that knowledge to become a seafood buyer in Florida.
Congratulations to Bob Borden on his new homemade rake handle!
The only thing missing from the Petraeus fiasco is a chant of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
"On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?"
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Tired from staying up late with high hopes only to see the dismal finish of his Kansas City Chiefs, it's former Late Show intern Brian Hall.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee