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Saturday, November 17, 2012 The shirtless FBI agent returns to Dave's audience with big evening plans.
Show #3762
Dr. Phil, Carmen Lynch, and Divine Fits.
PLUS: Celebrities Who Look Like James Bond Villains; the Shirtless FBI Agent; a Scene from "The Twilight Saga"; a Weekend Late Show Promo; and a Top Ten List.


" . . . and now, redesigned to use 30% less plastic . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1;
MONOLOGUE

- "The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is up. After it's done at Rockefeller Center, the tree will be brought upstate and put out to stud."
- "Hoo, boy, this General Petraeus scandal. One thing is clear; women love a man in uniform . . . unless it's a New York Jets uniform."
- "Today, David Petraeus testified at a Congressional hearing. I still don't think he gets it . . . . he brought a date!"

"Skyfall," the new James Bond film was number one at the box office. We take a look at something we call, "Celebrities Who Look Like James Bond Villains"
We see a cigar-smoking Rush Limbaugh.
We see Paul Shaffer.
We see Cee Lo Green in one of his wild outfits..
We see Donald Trump as . . . Donald Trump.
At least that's how it was scripted. Some may have been dumped, others added. But you get the idea.

Is that right? He's here right now? A much-surprised Dave is delighted that sitting in our audience tonight is the shirtless FBI agent involved in the General Petraeus scandal. Dave introduces Fred Humphries, the shirtless FBI agent. The agent, shirtless, natch, stands and waves. Dave asks what his plans are while in New York City?
The shirtless FBI agent says, "After the show, I'm going back to the hotel and get a cheeseburger and a whore."
Yes, it's what our city is known for. From what I hear, if he's going to Guy's American Kitchen and Bar, I'd get the whore. Get the cheeseburger someplace else.

Dave takes a moment to do an impression. He turns his back to the audience to prepare himself. He then turns to the camera.
DAVE: "One senior for 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2,' please."

Do you like vampires? The final installment of the "Twilight" movies is in theaters now. Dave saw an interesting scene from the film.
We see a clip of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2."
ARO: "What a pleasant surprise."
CAIUS: "What do you want?"
IRINA: "I have to report a crime. The acting in this movie is . . . . terrible."
ARO: "Oh, my."
GRAPHIC: 'THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PART 2"
ACT 2:
Not sure if anyone else was as excited as I was to see Dave balancing his four blue cards like a fence on his desk. Come to think of it, yeah, I probably was the only one.

He's got something else to say? OK, then. Dave has the lights turned up in the audience to hear what Fred Humphries, the shirtless FBI agent, has to say. We see Fred, now draped with the furry wrap of the woman sitting behind him.
SHIRTLESS AGENT: "Hey, the Bureau found out about the whore. I'm no longer an agent. Thanks a lot, 'sdd'hole!"
Dave isn't sure why it's his fault, but when you're in that position of power you often have to take blame that isn't your fault.

I wish the woman behind Fred was wearing one of the foxes my grandmother used to wear, you know, the fox that wraps around your neck and to keep it on, you open the fox's mouth to bite its tail. I'm going to look for one of those at my next garage sale.
And now it's time to take a look at what's in store Saturday on the Weekend Late Show with Bruce and Linda.
Before we take a look, Dave mentions that the Weekend Late Show is on the same time as the Late Show, but on Saturday. It's up against "Saturday Night Live." It's probably why I never catch WLS. I'm always looking at the daytime schedule.

We come upon Bruce and Linda at the familiar desk of the Late Show. It is adorned with festive flowers and light-hearted decor of a weekend morning program. But it's a night time show? I must have missed the meeting.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. What a show we have tomorrow. Canada's great songwriter Gordon Lightfoot celebrates his birthday tomorrow and he'll be joining us for an exclusive interview, via Skype."
BRUCE: "Did you know that his middle name is 'Meredith'?"
LINDA: "No."
BRUCE: "Yeah, it is. I just learned that. Now, Linda, we know you love folk dancing, so get ready for something special. The Baltic Breeze dance troupe will be here to perform for Latvian Independence Day. Maybe you'll join them?"
LINDA: (enthusiastic) "Oh, I would love to, if they'll let me. Now, the holiday shopping season officially kicks off next week. If you're looking to get your hands on some money for gifts, our Dollars and Sense reporter Danny MacKenzie will help out by answering the ago old question --- pawn or sell?"
BRUCE: "Oh, boy, have I made the wrong decision there! All that, plus choosing a guard dog, saving money at the bowling alley, and 'When is it a mistake to put safety first?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

Dave says he likes how Bruce settles in each week at the top of the promo. He shifts left and right, as if to balance the ballast. I enjoyed Dave's precise reference of "ballast." Dave asks if we can take a look at Bruce balancing the ballast. We watch. Yes, very funny. I suggested to the producer sitting next to me, "Get Dr. Phil to settle in." She laughed and said she was already on it. We were thinking the same.

TOP TEN: LINCOLN-ERA DOUBLE ENTENDRES - our 16th President held office from 1861-1865. And sexual double entendres are always funny.
LINCOLN-ERA DOUBLE ENTENDRES
7. Forming a more perfect union
6. Withdrawing from the south
2. Shaking hands with Vice President Johnson
1. Entering Dixie

ACT 3:
DR. PHIL
Dressed in all black. Would he "settle in" or not? Dr. Phil sits and motions for Dave to wait a sec while he "settles in." DING! Dave mumbles something about Dr. Phil driving a limo. I laughed, catching Dave's reference to Dr. Phil's all-black attire, akin to a limo driver.
Years ago when the show was still in knickers, I noticed that many of our creative geniuses would come on wearing all black. It always confused me a bit to think of the all-black "uniform of the creative." I mean, "uniform" and "creative" don't really go together.
We see photos from the proud grandpa of his grandson and granddaughter. Grandparents love grandchildren. It's just too bad you have to have kids to get them. Dave asks the Doctor what he thought of the election. Dr. Phil is tired of the B.S. spewed by politicians on both sides. He doesn't like how they never talk about what they are going to do to fix things. All they do is go to the polls to find out what scares people, then paint their opponent with those things that scare people.
Dave changes the subject: "What do you think is wrong with me?" Will Dave find the answer in Dr. Phil's new book, "Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In The Real World"? Dr. Phil says the world we elders grew up in is completely different from what today's kids are facing. The rules of then do not apply today. Dr. Phil takes a jab at Dave's advanced age. Dave later retaliates with a comment about Dr. Phil's folliclely-challenged dome. The good-natured ribbing eventually leads to Dave aggressively giving Dr. Phil the middle finger. Dr. Phil growls back, "That's for the chicken-'djoy' bald joke." Dave enjoys the exchange. Dave loves to give a punch, but loves it even more when a harder punch is returned. Dave gives one more jab before leaving, "We got Dr. Phil AND Johnny Cash tonight," referencing Dr. Phil's ebony attire.

Look for Dr. Phil on the TV. He has the #1 daytime talk show. And his book, "Life Code," is currently available exclusively at www.TheBookNook.com

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Soundgarden Live on Letterman. Soundgarden's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Also, The Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City is providing relief to city residents affected by Hurricane Sandy. You can help. Visit NYC.gov/fund to make a donation. Thank you"

ACT 6:
CARMEN LYNCH
It's her first appearance on a late night talk show. I tried to imagine what was going through her mind as the applause died and she was about to begin.
"Wow, so this is it!"
The tall and slender Carmen says she's afraid she won't live a long life . . . . because she's never seen a really tall old lady.
Well done, Ms. Lynch! You can see her at Caroline's on Broadway right down the block here in New York City on December 12th.

ACT 7:
DIVINE FITS
From their debut album, "A Thing Called Diving Fits," Divine Fits performed "Baby Get Worse." Dave loved it.

And that was our show for Friday November 16, 2012.

I like it when I come up with a good joke. I like the feeling of being clever and creative and original and witty. I like seeing things and making a connection that no one else sees. I made a joke the other day about the General Petraeus scandal having everything but a chant of "Jerry Jerry Jerry." I was placing the much-admired and tremendously accomplished General Petraeus in the realm of Jerry Springer. It wasn't much of a reach and figured some others may have come up with the same thing. After tweeting the joke and posting it here in the Wahoo, I decided to Google "Petraeus" and "Jerry Springer." Wow, there were thousands of postings! Did they all steal the joke from me? No, their postings were hours and days before mine. Heck, Jimmy Kimmel even taped a video of Petraeus on the Jerry Springer show. I've long learned that whenever I make a joke, I may be early, but I'm never first. None of us are ever first.

I haven't read much about this whole Petreaus affair, but why can't he get adults in these adult positions? Where are the grown-ups? What is this, Tailhook? I don't know if that makes sense. I just wanted to make a "Tailhook" reference.

When Booty Calls, Petraeus Answers

Tim Tebow . . . he is who he is. Don't blame him for the media explosion, for the incredible expectations, for the way he is used by the New York Jets. Put him at linebacker and he'd go in and do his best without complaint. Very few others in the NFL could have handled the scrutiny and expectations with the class he's shown. He's been a gentleman from the get-go. If he's not the "savior" the Jets thought he was, don't blame him. The Jets should have known better.
Personally, if I were the Jets I would have never called him my backup quarterback. He'd be my quirky unknown. The backup QB should have been Alabama's Greg McElroy from the start. The Jets locker room has more than their share of men of questionable character. But when you trade for and draft players of questionable character you shouldn't be surprised when their character is exposed and found to be questionable.
And to think, I could just as easily been a Jet fan in my youth. Phew.

I got home Wednesday night during "Final Jeopardy." The category was U.S. Presidents. The question/answer: "The only 2 presidents never to present a State of the Union address are William Henry Harrison and this man."

My daughters really like the U.S. history. They were excited about the category, but unsure of the answer. Williams Henry Harrison was given since he was President for about a week before keeling over, either from the flu because he gave an overlong inaugural speech in the frigid cold, or from eating bad cherries. Each of the 3 contestants could not come up with the right answer. One said Zachary Taylor. Another wrote something that Alec couldn't make out. And the third wrote George Washington. The correct answer was James Garfield, who was assassinated before he served a year. The right answer did not interest my Danielle at this point because she was so livid at the "George Washington" answer. She may have mistaken the State of the Union with Washington's Farewell Address but I enjoyed seeing her ire at the answers in Final Jeopardy. I wonder where she got that from?

When I watch Final Jeopardy, I'm interested in how much the person in 2nd place wagers.
2nd place knows how much 1st place will wager, which is just enough to beat out 2nd place if 2nd place bets it all and gets it right. Therefore, 2nd place just has to bet enough to beat out 1st place if 1st place gets it wrong. But 2nd place also has to bet enough to cover the 3rd place bet if 3rd place bets it all and gets it right. It's just that simple. Too often I see the contestants do all this work to get on the show and then screw up the simple math at the end to lose when they could have won.

Next week, I'll explain why the final contestant in "Let's Make A Deal" should always trade in his choice with Monty Hall.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on Saturday, holy cow he's 55! From Marathon, Florida, by way of Commack, New York, it's Gary Deperino!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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