CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, November 19, 2012 Dave has proof that President Obama used mind control during the debates.
Show #3763
Jessica Biel, Pete Townshend, Phillip Phillips, and a special Top Ten list presented by Paul Rudd.
PLUS: curbing your appetite; how to avoid your family on Thanksgiving; Mind control with Barack; and Dave's day at the hardware store.

" . . . and now, organic mango farmer . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"I remember mom putting a Twinkie in my lunchbox every day. I also remember my open heart surgery."

Americans have a propensity to overeat on Thanksgiving. As a public service, we put together a little something to curb your appetite on the big day. We watch.
ART CARD: "Late Show Helps You Curb Your Thanksgiving Appetite"
We see a clip of a Bear Grylls-type guy eating a big, squirting worm.
ART CARD: "Late Show Helps You Curb Your Thanksgiving Appetite"

For millions of Americans, it's a stressful week. Dave saw a commercial that could bring relief to a lot of people.
ANNOUNCE: "Do you hate the hassles of holiday air travel almost as much as you hate the tedious awkward Thanksgiving dinner with family? Announcing United Airlines' Reluctant Traveler Service. For a nominal fee, we'll book you on a pretend United flight with a plausible flight number, gate number, and arrival time you can tell your family. Then, at the last minute . . . oh, no!
You're flight's been canceled! You wanted to be there, but what can you do? United Airlines. We get it."

Republican officials in Georgia say Barack Obama is using mind control techniques to get his way. It sounds crazy but there was some fairly convincing evidence during the campaign. We watch one of the debates between the two. Mitt is speaking; Obama looks on. Obama looks hard at Mr. Mitt. Obama's eyes change into a hypnotic swirl, of which the Romney can't escape. Mr. Mitt, instead of continuing with his debate rebuttal, now clucks like a chicken. Obama is satisfied.

ACT 2:
How was your weekend? Dave went out to do some shopping and took Sully along. Dave was daydreaming during the drive because he missed the exit he was supposed to take. He got off the next one and became lost . . . lost in a pretzel.
Dave eventually found what he was looking for and went inside. It sounded like he was in a hardware store, a place he has admitted to enjoy spending time. Half the place was lit, the other half was in darkness. Naturally, what he was looking for was in the dark area. And naturally again, where he was looking was exactly where a guy was on a ladder working on the lights. Dave oozed his way between the ladder, the hanging wires, and the shelves. The worker on the ladder barks down to Dave, "Mind the bare wire. I like working hot."
All Dave wanted to do was buy something at a hardware store. Why does he have to risk his life doing it?

TOP TEN: "THOUGHTS THAT WENT THROUGH PAUL RUDD'S MIND WHEN AN AUDIENCE MEMBER VOMITED DURING HIS BROADWAY SHOW."
During a recent performance of "Grace" starring Paul Rudd at the Cort Theater on West 48th Street, a theater-goer vomited over the balcony onto the audience below. And to present tonight's Top Ten List, the star of "Grace," Paul Rudd.

"THOUGHTS THAT WENT THROUGH PAUL RUDD'S MIND WHEN AN AUDIENCE MEMBER VOMITED DURING HIS BROADWAY SHOW."
9. "Not my worst review."
5. "You've got to be kidding me --- right before my big vomiting scene?"
2. "What is this, the Ed Sullivan Theater?"

ACT 3:
JESSICA BIEL

She's newly married! Sorry, fellas. Jessica wanted to keep her celebrity marriage to Justin Timberlake as much a secret as possible. Friends and family didn't learn of the location in Italy until a day or two earlier. Before the wedding, Jessica and a friend went to Austria for some quite, relaxing, peaceful time. They found a lovely lodge in the mountains and planned on a nice sweat in the sauna. She and her friend entered and relaxed. Her friend left for a minute and in the meantime, two older husky men came in . . . . husky as in "chubby." It was just Jessica and these two elderlies. And they proceeded to drop their towel to get the full steam all over their Monty. She glanced to see they were "balls on wood" naked. Jessica squeezed her eyes shut and wondered how she could get out of this without making the awkward moment even more awkward. Her friend called to her and Jessica quickly made her way out of the sauna as if she was needed immediately. Jessica says the nude sauna is common in Austria and it was SHE who was "out of place."
"Balls on wood" . . . . think of that the next time you decide to lie down in a sauna.
Look for Jessica in the new film, "Hitchcock," in theaters this Friday. Hitchcock . . . . I guess that could have solved the "balls on wood" problem.

ACT 4:
PETE TOWNSHEND

The legendary performer from the legendary band, "The Who." Dave and Pete share a common ailment, tinnitus, ringing in the ears. Pete says it probably came from years of blasting music through his headphones and/or playing with the loudest band on tour. Pete remembers waking up mornings and saying to himself, "I can hear the birds singing." Unfortunately, there were no birds singing. It could also have come from a 1967 appearance on the Smothers' Brothers Comedy Hour. Drummer Keith Moon said to one of the backstage crew members that he wanted his drums to explode at the end of "My Generation." The crew member said, "Yeah, I can do that." Pete happened to be right by the drums when the blast went off. He couldn't hear for a month. What upset Pete even more than that was his hair caught fire. His hair looked terrible. The good thing about that is he couldn't hear anyone say, "Pete, your hair looks terrible."
Pete explains where he learned his signature windmill guitar playing. He says he saw Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones do it right before a show. When Pete saw him perform again, Keith didn't do the windmill thing. Pete asked him about it and Keith had no idea what he was talking about. Pete decided to borrow it and keep it as his own.
The Who and Pete were also known to destroy their instruments at the end of their performances. Didn't that become expensive? Pete says he remembers destroying a $10,000 guitar . . . and then auctioning it off for $75,000 as a guitar destroyed in concert by Pete Townshend. I've wanted to do that with the copy machine many times.
Read the life story of Pete Townshend in his own words in his autobiography, "Who I Am" in stores now.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch tomorrow's Late Show with Dave's guests Amy Poehler, Josh Hutcherson, Tegan and Sarah, and a special Top Ten List presented by NASCAR champion Brad Keselowski. The Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City is providing relief to city residents affected by Hurricane Sandy. You can help. Visit NYC.gov/fund to make a donation. Thank you"

ACT 7:
PHILLIP PHILLIPS
: from the American Idol champion's debut album "The World From The Side of The Moon, Phillip Phillips performed "Home."

And that was our show for Monday, November 19, 2012.

I wish I knew someone who worked at a Broadway theater. Tonight's Top Ten was titled, "THOUGHTS THAT WENT THROUGH PAUL RUDD'S MIND WHEN AN AUDIENCE MEMBER VOMITED DURING HIS BROADWAY SHOW."
I was once told that a Broadway "show" is a musical; and Broadway play is a play. I mentioned that maybe the title of the Top Ten should be ". . . .
Vomited During His Broadway Play" instead of "Show." I looked up the Google to find the information, but I could find nothing to support my claim. It seems a Broadway Show encompasses both musicals and plays.

I enjoyed Dave's story about the guy at the hardware store who warned Dave, "Mind the bare wire. I like working hot." I smiled because I worked "hot" this weekend in my kitchen. I was taking down a chandelier that was going back to the shop. Instead of turning off the power with the breaker switch in the basement, I decided to save that step and work "hot." How'd I do? Not once did I yelp, "Yeow!" Yup, I daredeviled it and succeeded.

Going into the weekend, Notre Dame football was ranked #3 in the nation. This put them on the outside looking in for a possible college championship game in January. But by the end of Saturday, Irish fans were euphoric when Kansas State lost to put the Irish in the Top Two. Notre Dame then pretended to be excited when Oregon lost, too. That put N.D. at the top. Unfortunately, that probably also put Alabama back in the mix at #2. I don't think anyone wants to play Alabama for the title. Notre Dame would have been more than happy to play Kansas State or Oregon; not so much Alabama.
Did you watch Ken Burns' "Dust Bowl"? Wow, I didn't learn any of that in school. Makes me feel small when I complain about traffic.

Pete Townshend was talking about the Rolling Stones and Keith Richards. Just this weekend I plunked myself down in front of my big screen projector TV to blast the 1968 "Rolling Stones Rock and Roll Circus." In the mini-concert were The Who, Taj Mahal, Marianne Faithful, Jethro Tull, John Lennon, a shrieking Yoko, Eric Clapton, and the Rolling Stones. Very enjoyable YouTube it for a taste.

Where were you 149 years ago today? It you were in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, you would have heard President Lincoln deliver this address:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain--that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom--and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.


CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New York, New York, it's his birthday today, stand-up comedian Doug Adler
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.