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Tuesday, December 4, 2012 Writer Joe Grossman shares what he learned in birthing class.
Show #3767
Matt Damon, Martin Freeman, and JD McPherson.
PLUS: The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree; the Closing of the Stage Deli; Joe Grossman and His Birthing Class; and a Top Ten List.


" . . . and now, bubble-headed bleach blond . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

- "Hugh Hefner is engaged. He's in his 80s; she's 28. Hugh admits, "I've fallen for her and I can't get up."
- "Hef's at the age when he has sex he needs a grab bar."
- "His fiancee Crystal said she's really looking forward to the ceremony. People weren't sure if she was talking about the wedding or the funeral."

Is there a better place to be for the holidays than New York City? Last week they lighted, or lit, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, but as so often happens, it didn't take place without some trouble. We take a look.

We see the unlit tree. We hear the countdown. At zero, the tree lights up in all its majesty. And then it takes off like a rocket . . . . to the moon. The tree/rocket and the moon explode. I have no idea what that'll do to the tides.

The Stage Deli right around the block has closed down. Can't pay the rent. One of the more popular tourist destinations can't make it happen here in New York City. Somehow, the owner will find it financially beneficial to let the property sit unoccupied for the next 5 years rather than rent it at a reasonable price to the Stage Deli. It's been in operation for some 77 years. Dave says he will miss ordering the "Corbin Monica with a side of Jerry Stiller . . . . and the Totie Fields with the Jerry Jones. . . . . or the Mitzi Gaynor and the Ernie Anastos."
And speaking of Ernie, can we see the clip? We take a look at a clip from a few years back. Ernie ad libs, "Keep on 'givl'ing that chicken." He swears he said "plucking."

ACT 2:
In telling a story, Dave refers to television as a dead medium. And TV is considered a medium because what you see is hardly rare or well done. Hey-Ohh!
While on his way to work this morning, Dave witnessed a Trifecta. He saw a driving, texting, and smoking.

This is exciting. One of our writers, Joe Grossman and his wife are expecting a baby in just a few months. Every Monday night they attend a birthing class. Dave says he went to those when Regina was pregnant. The only thing useful Dave learned from all the classes was "ice chips." It was his job to ask, "Do you want some ice chips, honey?" With us tonight is Joe to tell us what he learned last night at the birthing class.
Joe enters in his usual upbeat dourness.
DAVE: "Joe, this is very exciting news. What were you like as a child?"
JOE: " . . . . Pretty much what you'd expect."
DAVE: "I'm told we have a photo."
We cut to a photo of Joe at his 6th birthday party. He sits with his signature sour and dour in front of his birthday cake.
DAVE: "That's very cute. So tell us, Joe, what happened at birthing class last night?"
JOE: "Hold on."
Joe looks through his handy dandy notebook, much like Steve from Blue's Clues. After a moment, he finds what he was looking for.
JOE: "Found it."
DAVE: "OK. Take it away."
Joe reads from his notebook.
JOE: "Bacteria is deterred from passing into the cervical canal by the mucus plug."
SFX: DING - chyron: Mucus Plug.
Dave wrinkles his nose and decides we've heard enough. Joe begins to exit the wrong way until Dave points him to the guest entrance.
ALAN KALTER ANNOUNCE: "'What Joe Learned in Birthing Class This Week' is brought to you by Totino's Pizza Rolls. Ahh, that time-tested flavor of Totino's! Back to you, duck face."

And speaking of birthing, Prince William of Wales and his wife Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are expecting their first child this summer. Tonight's Top Ten topic:
TOP TEN LEAST LIKELY NAMES FOR THE ROYAL BABY
For the name of the baby, British bookmakers have made "Elizabeth an 8-to-1 favorite if the baby is a girl. "John" and "Charles" are a 10-to-1 favorite if it is a boy.

TOP TEN LEAST LIKELY NAMES FOR THE ROYAL BABY
1. Mitt
2. Hosni
3. Zsa Zsa
4. tie: Kim/Kourtney/Khloe
5. Gomez
6. Kenny
7. Quizno
8. Shemp
9. Whoopi
10. Kim Jong Windsor

ACT 3:
MATT DAMON

Let's get right to it. Dave asks Matt to do his Matthew McConaughey impression. Matt says he's excited for McConaugheyy because he was just nominated for Best Supporting Actor in "Magic Mike." Matt says McConaughey played an Asian stripped in "Magic Mike." Wow! McConaughey believable as an Asian stripper? That's some acting job! What's that you say? . . . . . .oh . . . . my bad. McConaughey didn't play an Asian stripper . . . . . he played an "aging' stripper. It sounded like Matt said "Asian."
Matt doing Matt: "I figure if I'm gonna win an Oscar, I might as well take my shirt off." Dave both loves the impression and how Matt always has his McConaughey impression include taking "off my shirt."
Matt is the dad to 4 girls, ages 2, 4, 6, and 14. The 2-year-old was sleeping with mom and dad the other night when the 4-year-old decided to join them. Of course, the 6-year-old didn't want to be left out so she jumped in, too. Deep in the middle of the night, the 2-year-old did what 2-year-olds do to the point of wetting the sheets. Matt was so tired he decided to change the baby but not the sheets. He put a towel over the spot and slept on it. Later that morning, Matt appeared on the "Today" show. I think I'd rather sleep on urine. Hey-ohhh! Of course, that's not true, and in order for it to be funny, it has to be true, so I'm pretending it's true to pretend that it's funny.
Matt's new film is "Promised Land," about a community with a decision to make about fracking. It opens December 28th in New York and L.A. and nationwide on January 4th. It's on my list.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're back at it tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Albert Brooks, and Diana Krall. If you're Albert Brooks or Diana Krall, this shouldn't be news to you. Back in two."

ACT 6:
MARTIN FREEMAN

He's from "The Office," the UK version with Ricky Gervais, still one of the best things on the telly in the past 20 years. Martin stars in the new Hobbit movie, "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey." It's sure to be a holiday blockbuster. It's about middle-earth, peace-loving creatures based on the popular JRR Tolkien book collection. This installment takes place 60 years prior to the "Lord of the Rings" film. You may notice something different about this film in that it was shot in 3D, 48-frames per second. It makes the movie more real than real. And it's in the IMAX, too, if you want to go for the whole shebang.
In the clip, we see what the Hobbit looks like. It reminds me of the Weekly World News' Batboy.
"The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" - in theaters December 14th.

ACT 7:
JD MCPHERSON: From his debut album, "Signs and Signifiers," JD McPherson performed a very enjoyable "Fire Bug." This is the music I listened to every Friday night at "The Office" in Nyack back in the day. Finn & The Sharks . . . . great music, great times.

And that was our show for Tuesday December 4, 2012.

TOP TEN LEAST LIKELY NAMES FOR THE ROYAL BABY
Mitt
Hosni
Zsa Zsa
tie: Kim/Kourtney/Khloe
Gomez
Kenny
Quizno
Shemp
Whoopi
Kim Jong Windsor

Damn! I gave in a list of 11. Only Whoopi made the final list. My submission, in no particular order.

TOP TEN LEAST LIKELY NAMES FOR THE ROYAL BABY
RICARDO
TARZAN
CLEM
SNOOP DOGG
BUTTAFUOCO
SWIFTY
FITTY PENCE
BUBBLES
WHOOPI
CHLAMYDIA
BOOM BOOM

I so wanted to hear Dave say "Buttafouco" one more time. BUZZ! Not a match. The board goes back.

Hey, I watched Kimmel last night. It was a repeat. Dave was on as a guest. I missed it the first time because it was during the aftermath of the storm and we were without TV power at home. Dave and Jimmy talked about fly fishing and I felt as if Dave was talking about me. He said he enjoys fly fishing but admits to not being very good at it. He also doesn't like to be taught how to do it. Dave says he doesn't like "lessons." He just likes to do. And he loves standing alone out in the river casting his line. I picked up a fly fishing rod 18 years ago. I bought a book on how to do it and off I went. I really had no idea what I was doing out on the river with my fly fishing rod but loved the thought of me out there. Whenever I would drive home from college in the late 70s, I would take Route 17 down from central New York along the Delaware River. I would see many fly fishermen out on the river casting their flies. I loved how it looked. I wanted to be one of them someday. And when I was out there 18 years ago with my fly fishing rod on the Delaware River, I kept thinking, "Yeah, I'm one of those guys now!" 17 years ago my daughters were born. The fly fishing rod went to the attic never to be seen again.

Iran captures a U.S. Drone. The U.S. denies it. The fear is that Iran will learn valuable technical secrets from the drone. Here's my idea Let Iran capture a fake drone. Put in a lot of bad information and stuff that will lead them down the wrong road. Pretend to be really upset that they "captured" one of our drones. Fire someone. Sit back and watch them waste years trying to duplicate our drone. Ta da!

I don't know . . . do you think Ernie Anastos said , "Keep on 'givl'ing that chicken" or "Keep on plucking that chicken"? In the spirit of the season, it reminds me a little of the Herbie vs. Hermie controversy.

You didn't think you were going to get by the holiday season without a Herbie vs. Hermie reference, did you?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Happy 80th birthday, Little Richard!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMikef

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Ricky Gervais
Taylor Schilling
Eli Young Band

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