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Wednesday, December 5, 2012 Rupert Jee's Santa costume isn't just creative, it's tasty.
Show #3768
Albert Brooks and Diana Krall.
PLUS: CBS News; Mitt at the Marriott; Cheney's new book; Barney Frank slo-mo blink; what's new at the Hello Deli; a Top Ten list; and Jesus is on the phone.

" . . . and now, gonna rock it up, gonna rip it up . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"Hugh Hefner is engaged to be married again. He's been married several times, including twice to Richard Burton."
-"His 26-year-old bride-to-be said the relationship isn't so bad. At his age, she only has to blow on his soup."

Hey, did you see this last night on CBS News? Craziest thing. We take a look. We see Scott Pelley at his CBS News Desk. During his report, a miniature horse/pony walks by. It was either a miniature horse or Scott Pelley is a lot bigger than I imagined.

Mitt's got a job! Thanks, Obama! Mitt Romney is now working at Marriott again. We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "Marriott International is pleased to announce that Mitt Romney is rejoining our Board of Directors. As a Marriott guest, you'll benefit greatly from Mitt's ability to guide long-term success in an increasingly complex business environment. Plus, for an extra $20 per night, he'll watch you sleep." We cut to a photo of Mitt sitting in the dark in a hotel room watching a guest sleeping in a bed.
ANNOUNCE: "Marriott: Where Sophistication Meets Comfort."

Former VP Dick Cheney is writing a book about his heart attacks. I think it's going to be a series. The book will be entitled, "I Survived Five Heart Attacks, and So Can You." I'm surprised he's had 5 heart attacks. It's hardly ever used.

Here's something we found and decided to put a title on it to make it funny. It's called, "For The Love of God, BLINK!"
We see Barney Frank on "Hardball." He is speechifying to a question. He answers with his eyes closed. When will they open? For the love of God, blink! Or maybe he's put himself to sleep like the rest of us.

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, a siren can be heard out on 53rd Street. Without missing a beat, Dave chimes, "My ride's here!"

Hey, we haven't seen the man in some time! Every holiday season, our friend Rupert does something special to increase traffic into his place of business. Rupert admits business has been down a bit of late due to the scaffolding in front of his building. Yes, the 72-hour filling of a sinkhole in 53rd Street is now in its 8th month, but I'm not sure that's why the scaffolding is there. I'll take a better look tomorrow.
What has Rupert and the Hello Deli done this year to celebrate the holiday? Rupert says he's made a Santa costume made from deli meat and cheeses. He puts on his creation. Funny, yes. Odd, yes. But Dave is a little uncomfortable with Rupert's wasting food like that. Rupert assures Dave that it won't go to waste and he'll use the cold cuts to make sandwiches.

ODD DAVE: during his talk with Rupert, Dave pretends to smoke on a butt and telling pedestrians out on 53rd Street, "You'll have to go around." He does this again later in the ACT 2. (This is for my files.)

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR DOG IS A BAD DRIVER - Dave loves this. In a campaign to show the intelligence and potential of rescue dogs, an animal trainer in New Zealand has taught dogs to drive a car. We take a look at a clip.

SIGNS YOUR DOG IS A BAD DRIVER
6. Crossed 4 lanes of traffic to go after a squirrel.

ACT 3:
ALBERT BROOKS

The very funny Albert Brooks has a confession to make. A few days ago he received a phone call from one of the producers on the Late Show. It's customary for a producer to talk to a guest in advance to find out what the guest would like to cover and any interesting stories that they could share with Dave. When Albert received the call, he was incredibly busy with other work and now admits that what he told the producer was all lies. His mind was elsewhere during the phone call so he made up some stories just to get off the phone. Therefore, everything in Dave's Albert Brooks notes for the interview is lies. What to do? Albert says to ask the questions anyway as if it were true. He wants to conduct the interview as planned, even though it's all lies. Dave agrees, but isn't sure if it is a good idea. Dave reads from his sheet of notes:
DAVE: "I hear you just purchased a gun."
Albert takes a moment and after a quick affirmation says, "This is a crazy story." Very funny. He tells a story of going to a WalMart to buy a gun. He explains how he went to WalMart and checked out the rifles. He picked one up wanting to see how it felt against his shoulder. He checked the weight of the rifle. He then says, " . . . Wal-Mart . . . it's the last place you'd dream it would be loaded." He could have told us in any number of ways that the gun was loaded but went with " . . . it's the last place you'd dream it would be loaded . . . ." It was the perfect way to relay the information. I learned a lot from that simple line. Instead of leading us to the information, he takes a look back. He approached it from the rear instead of straight ahead. Thank you, Professor Brooks.
And then he told a made up story about going to see a snake in the Amazon.

And if you think he's the first to tell made up stories on the show . . . .

Albert Brooks is in the new Judd Apatow film entitled, "This Is 40," starring Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, and Jason Segel. Dave asks if he enjoyed working with Paul Rudd on the film. Albert says he did, and wonders if anyone ever said, "NO," that they didn't enjoy working with another actor on a project. I "Played the Dave" and said, "Actually, yes, last week when Paul Rudd was on." BUZZ! Not a match, the board goes back.
"This Is 40" - it opens December 21st.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We can't be stopped. Dave is back tomorrow with Bill Murray, and Vintage Trouble. So, the Amish don't like zippers. Great! More for me! Watch this."

ACT 6:
Oy, are you concerned about this Fiscal Cliff? Dave is, and he's not sure what to make of it. He wants answers, he wants advice. As you know, he's a good friend of Jesus. Dave's got Jesus on the phone. Dave picks up the phone.

DAVE: "Hello, Jesus!"
JESUS: "Yello."
DAVE: "Hi, Jesus, it's Dave Letterman. How've you been?"
JESUS: "Hi, Dave! I've been great. How have you been? Let me ask you something . . . . How the hell did Tim Tebow break his ribs?"
DAVE: "You know, Jesus, I have no idea."
JESUS: "Damn!"
DAVE: "Now listen, I was trying to remember. Where did you and I originally meet?"
JESUS: You know, I think . . . I think Tom Dreesen introduced us at a celebrity golf tournament."
DAVE: "Oh, that's right. So, let me get right to it, Jesus. You heard about the fiscal cliff. Is there anything you can do to help us with the fiscal cliff?"
JESUS: "Why are you calling me? I thought you were Jewish."
DAVE: "No, Jesus, I'm not Jewish."
JESUS: "Oh, yeah, right. The last name is very confusing. Anyway, I'm sorry, Dave, but there's not much I can really do."
DAVE: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Jesus."
JESUS: "Hey, wait a minute. What if I . . .
We hear Jesus being interrupted on his end of the phone. It's his wife.
Remember we learned recently that Jesus is married? Yeah, it sounds like his wife is interrupting him on the phone. She's not happy about something.
DAVE: "What was that?
JESUS' WIFE (away from the phone): "Who are you talking to? I'm busting my ass in the garage and you're playing Dial-a-Date?"
JESUS: (yelling back at his wife): "I'm on a business call, you hag!" (to Dave) "Sorry, Dave. I've gotta run."
DAVE: "OK."
JESUS: "Oh, and by the way . . . take the Seahawks at home, minus the 10. It's my Lock of the Week."
JESUS' WIFE: "Hang up the phone!"
JESUS: "I'm hanging up."
JESUS' WIFE: "Hang up the phone!"
JESUS: "I'm hanging up."
They continue to bicker. Dave hangs up to save Jesus any more embarrassment. Can't really blame her. He's been out of work for how long?

Am I the only one who was thinking of the Manhattan Transfer's "Operator"? What's that? I am the only one?

ACT 7:
DIANA KRALL

From her most recent album, "Glad Rag Doll," the jazzy and bluesy Ms. Krall performed "There Ain't No Sweet Man That's Worth The Salt Of My Tears."

And that was our show for Wednesday. December 5, 2012.

Tonight's Top Ten list.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DOG IS A BAD DRIVER
10. Good drivers don't swallow the car keys
9. Instead of '10-and-2', steering wheel positions are '1-4-7-9'
8. Smokes without asking permission of passengers
7. Insists on driving with head out of window
6. Crosses four lanes of traffic to go after a squirrel
5. Barely passed written portion of driver's test
4. He used your car to mount a Nissan Sentra
3. It's 50-50 whether he parks in the Petco lot or actually in the Petco
2. Slams on the brakes for every bitch he sees
1. Always taking eyes off road to lick himself

I pitched a few of my own tonight. Not sure if mine got on because I imagine the writers must have come up with something similar. Here were mine for tonight in no particular order.
TOP TEN TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DOG IS A BAD DRIVER

-Constantly parking in front of fire hydrants
-Drives with his head out the window
-Licks himself at the most inopportune moments
-Has that plastic cone-thing around his neck
-Always calling female drivers "Bitch!"
-Can't turn ignition key due to lack of opposable thumbs
-In traffic court more than Lindsay Lohan
-Been in more accidents than Toonces.
-Tee shots always slice to the right (writer must have been confused about the topic)

Some hits, some misses.

Have you been following story about the New York City cop who bought a pair of boots for a homeless guy who was without shoes? A photo of the event spread like crazy on the facebook and internets. A homeless guy, sitting on the sidewalk looking for charitable givings from passersby, was seen by a police officer who then went to a nearby store and bought they guy some boots with his own money. This happens more than you would think by NYPD officers in New York City but this one was caught on camera. The homeless guy was very thankful and it was great public relations for New York's Finest. Well, a few days later this same homeless guy is sitting in the same place WITHOUT the boots. He's again shoeless. When asked, he said the boots are away in a safe place because they are now worth a lot of money. My guess is the homeless guy learned he can get more money sitting on the sidewalk without shoes than with shoes. Yeah, sorry, but I've grown a bit cynical to many of the struggling "homeless" looking for alms, particularly during the holiday season. I bet that after a day or two of sitting with those warm boots on, the guy counted his dollars and wasn't satisfied with his take. He gets more sympathy shoeless, and more money. Which brings me to another observation I've made about those seen on the street looking for a dollar or two from driving commuters. They are typically dressed in dirty rags to look the part of one in need. Ignore that. Look at their shoes. I've seen that more times than not their shoes are better than mine. I take that as a tip-off of a cheat. Yes, I've learned through experience. I remember one guy at 96th and 1st who would drag his limp leg around while knocking on car windows looking for a coin or two. And then an hour later I saw him at Yankee Stadium skipping down 161st Street trying to hawk tickets. I said to him, "Hey, glad to see your leg is better." He let out a big laugh. I did, too.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

RG III - Robert Griffin the 3rd, Washington Redskins.

QB III - Sanchez, Tebow, McElroy, New York Jets.

Here's something I bet you didn't know. Every Wahoo I write is about one of my past relationships.

I received this e-mail from a Wahoo reader today. DOH! It was in regards to Tuesday's Wahoo when I wrote this about the closing of the Stage Deli:
"Dave says he will miss ordering the Corbin Monica with a side of Jerry Stiller . . . . and the Totie Fields with the Jerry Jones. . . . . or the Mitzi Gaynor and the Ernie Anastos.'

CORRECTION, from Wahoo reader Steven King: "Hey Mike, I think you missed a couple of the names of the Stage Deli specialties Dave mentioned. It's Corbett, not Corbin, Monica, a comedian of long ago age (and, if I remember correctly, was actually in the scenes in Woody Allen's 'Broadway Danny Rose' set in the Stage's rival the Carnegie Deli. I guess Dave's including his name was the kind of in joke that got him the Kennedy Center honor) and I think Dave said Jack, not Jerry, Jones. A singer whose peak of popularity occurred many years ago certainly fits better than the owner of the Dallas Cowboys."

I blundered on the Corbin/Corbett. I remember wanting to go back to double check that but, ooops, I forgot. As for the Jack Jones/Jerry Jones, I imagine I still had "Jerry" Stiller in my head when I typed in Jerry Jones. I know Jack Jones, singer of "Love Boat," and I have one of his CDs I like to play at home when I want people to go home.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on the 6th, from Meadville, Pennsylvania, it's Roderick Fernandez

This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Sally Field
Timothy Simons
Needtobreathe

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, April 21
Dave's grandpa gives new meaning to "Hammertime."
Wednesday, April 9
How does Lindsay Lohan like her scrambled eggs?
Tuesday, April 8
Dave guarantees his retirement with a signature.
Friday, April 4
LiV Warfield raises the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Thursday, April 3
Dave and Intern Todd enjoy racing fun at the Grand Prix.