Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Friday, December 7, 2012 What you won't see at the Kennedy Center Honors.
Show #3770
Dustin Hoffman, and One Direction.
PLUS: Infomercial Of The Night; Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells; and a lot of kissing.

" . . . and now, a metallic alloy in an undercooled state . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:

-"Christmas . . . or as shoplifters call it, 'The Show.'" - I like this joke. We usually do it regarding a heavy-set chap on Thanksgiving. This year's weighted individual was Chris Christie.
-"New Yorkers are in the holiday spirit. Today I saw complete strangers sharing a cab. One guy took the tires, another took the radio. One guy took the backseat. And another took the engine."
-"I went to the FAO Schwartz toy store and said to the clerk, 'I'm looking for something that a 9-year-old would enjoy.' He said, 'How about your TV show?'"

And now it's time for the Infomercial Of The Night.
It's a guy jamming a Q-tip in his ear in an attempt to remove ear wax. He screams in pain. He needs an ear wax remover product!

And once again, and probably not the last time, it's "Everything's Festive With Sleigh Bells."
ART CARD: "Everything's Festive With Sleigh Bells."
ANNOUNCE: "Eating a giant larva."
We see Bear Grylls eating a giant larva. Juices ooze from the larva. It's not so bad because we hear sleigh bells under the video clip.
ART CARD: "Everything's Festive With Sleigh Bells."

ACT 2:
I missed much of Mr. Hoffman's segment. The guests after Dustin Hoffman would be the band One Direction consisting of 5 members. We would replace the two chairs with one long couch so they all could fit. We did the same back in August for the United States Gymnastics team (8/14/12). I missed much of Dustin because I was preparing a blue card with facts of the giant sofa just in case we went in that direction. Instead of sitting to listen to a two-time Academy Award winner and a recipient of a Kennedy Center Honor in Dustin Hoffman, I was researching a sofa.

"Hey, Joe Namath!" Dustin was once mistaken for the legendary New York Jets quarterback, Joe Namath. Yes, at there was a time when the New York Jets had a quarterback who was so good they only needed one. Now they need three, and combined they aren't good enough to be one. The Jets needing one quarterback . . . that was a long time ago. Sure, they had backups in Babe Parilli and Al Woodall but they rarely saw game time and no one thought they should start of Joe "Willie". Sigh.

I missed what led up to the story. I was getting couch facts.

For years Dustin was your typical struggling actor working odd jobs between auditions. He remembers working at Macy's during Christmas in the Toy Department. He had a microphone and hawked product like a carnival barker. One day, his friend Gene Hackman came in with his 2-year-old son, Christopher. Dustin says it was difficult to warm up to Christopher. No matter what Dustin did he could not get a reaction out of Christopher. The little boy was in an extreme passive stage with little interest in interacting. Dustin bet Gene that he could sell little Christopher as a life-sized doll. Dustin got on the microphone and began extolling the virtues of this life-size, almost real, doll. A woman came up and said, "I'll take it!" When Dustin approached Christopher, the woman snapped, "No no! Not that one. Get me the one in the back!" She didn't want the floor model. Dustin told her that was the last one, so she went to pick up little Christopher who let out a yelp. The woman let out an even bigger yelp. And Dustin won the bet. 5 bucks.

It took Dustin Hoffman ten years to become an overnight success in "The Graduate" in 1967. The director, Mike Nichols, thought it was a mistake that Dustin was chosen as the lead. They were looking for a Robert Redford-type. After being cast but before shooting the movie, he was to meet with the Head of Distribution for the film, Joseph E. Levine. Mr. Levine thought Dustin was a janitor. He said to Dustin, "Are you the kid that's here to clean the windows?" Dustin immediately took a handkerchief out of his pocket and started to clean the window. The secretary had to come and tell Mr. Levine that he was the lead in his new movie. Dustin had a friend covertly asked Mike Nichols if hiring Dustin as the lead was a mistake. Nichols said it was. They all thought so until the film won all sorts of awards. As Dave says, "'The Graduate' with Robert Redford wouldn't have been 'The Graduate' with Dustin Hoffman. It would have been a different film all together."

Dustin asks for a moment to say something about Mr. Letterman, imploring the host not to interrupt and to let him finish. The two spent some time together last weekend to receive the Kennedy Center Honors. Dave had mentioned there must have been some kind of mistake since he felt he did not deserve such an honor. Dustin says some of the greatest never are acknowledge for their accomplishments. Says Dustin about Dave, "You are not a comedian, not a talk show host. You are a satirist on the level of Will Rogers." Dave leans over and kisses Mr. Hoffman right on the lips. I "Played The Dustin" and said, "Mr. Letterman, are you trying to seduce me?" BUZZ!

"Quartet" - it's Dustin Hoffman's directorial debut. The film opens nationwide January 11th.

ACT 4:

Woo hoo! 53rd Street was packed with teen girls squealing for a peek at the five. They are this year's Hanson/N'Sync/BackstreetBoys/JonasBrothers/KNOTB, or could they be the Beatles? Decades ago I'm sure many my age wrinkled their nose at the crew from Liverpool and expected the Fab Four to be nothing more than a Fad Four. Time will tell whether they are the Beatles or the Bay City Rollers.
Sitting on the big couch, from Dave, are Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, and Niall Horan . . . . and Dustin Hoffman! The quintet shimmy over to make room for Mr. Hoffman. Hoffman and Horan get a bit too close, and Dustin takes that as a sign to kiss Niall in a long embrace on the lips. Girls all over America curse Dustin's good fortune.
One Direction is the brainchild of Simon Cowell who put them together after auditioning for UK's X-Factor. They knew they had arrived when the opened in New York for a band called Big Time Rush at Radio City. When the exited the theater, they were met by throngs. The headliner was not.

ACT 5: It's the outside crowd of enthused girls; some here to be near One Direction, others here to be near the giant couch.

: To close the show, One Direction performed "Little Things" from their CD, "Take Me Home."

And that was our show for Friday, December 7, 2012.

The giant couch? I thought you'd never ask.
-100% polyurethane foam
-Covered in cream linen
-Weight: 140 pounds
-Length: 84 inches
-Height: 27 inches
-Width: 41 inches
-Made in the U.S.A.

I know, right? Made in the USA! I thought all we made anymore was cigarettes and guns.

Here's a question for high school teachers. When you assign a project and break up the students into teams, are you aware of those on the team who do the work and the ones who coast on their coat tails? And does the entire team get the same grade? And do you create the teams so each team will have workers and coasters? Have you considered combining the workers with the workers and the coasters with the coasters? And is the real reason you create teams is so you don't have to read a report from each student but only a fraction the number?

Sports commentator Bob Costas ended up apologizing for his anti-gun remarks during last week's Sunday Night Football game. He feels the 90 seconds weren't enough time for him to fully explain his opinion.
No, Bob, you're a commentator! You're supposed to give your opinions and thoughts! You did the right thing regardless of whether people agree or disagree with you. If you were the announcer of the game or the analyst, maybe it wouldn't have been the right spot to opine on gun laws. But you weren't.
You were the commentator. You shouldn't have apologized. Your 90 seconds was fine.
And that's a memo.

I was thinking of this the other day. Don't know why.
Johnny Cash had a huge success with the song, "Boy Named Sue." As the song goes, the father in the song named his son "Sue" because the dad wouldn't be around to teach his son how to be a tough man with a backbone, so he gave his son the name "Sue." The father knew with a name like that, his son would either have to be tough and learn to fight . . . . . or die. Well, his son grew up to be one tough son of a gun. It was the name that made him strong. I imagine the father could have been just as successful if he named his son "Conway Twitty."

Reaching the 100-win plateau for the Clarkstown South Wrestling Team, New York, son of the loquacious Jim "Gas Is My Business" McLiverty, congratulations to 113-pounder Brian McLiverty.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.