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Monday, December 10, 2012 Anne Hathaway demonstrates the two-handed middle finger salute.
Show #3771
Anne Hathaway, Jake Johnson, "The President's Own" United States Marine Chamber Orchestra, and a Top Ten List presented by Heisman Trophy Winner Johnny Manziel.
PLUS: The Ghost of Monologues Past; Irani YouTube; a CBS News Special Report; Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells; and Something from Pat Farmer.  

" . . . and now, The Big Train . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"  

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "11 days till the end of the world.   Maybe it's just me but I think the Mayan apocalypse has gotten too commercialized."  

Hey, what's that?   A ghost of some sort half-dissolves and appears by Dave.    He wears a "Monologues Past" sash.
GHOST: "Good evening, David."  Look upon me.   I am the Ghost of Monologues Past."
DAVE: "Uhh, let me guess.   Is this one of those lame Charles Dickens ‘Christmas Carol' parodies? Is this what this is?"
The ghost sighs, disappointed that Dave has uncovered his mission.   The ghost disappears.   Nice try.  

Iran has launched a government-sanctioned alternative to the YouTube.   We take a look to see the very first video they posted.
We see a lip of a cute kitten.  The adorable thing is sitting in a cup!   It meows.  The meow translates to "Death to America."
It already has over half a million views.  

We interrupt this program with a CBS News Special Report.
ANNOUNCE: "CBS News has narrowed down the music choices for use in special reports about the Fiscal Cliff. Choice one is this."
We hear some dramatic music.
ANNOUNCE: "And choice two is this."
We hear wacky, cartoony music.
ANNOUNCE: "The latter seems too whimsical to me, but some of the higher-ups are insisting on it. More as this develops. Now, back to the CBS After School Special, ‘The Weird Kid Who Could Dance.'"  

And now once again, the very simply put together, "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells"
ART CARD:  "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells"
We hear sleigh bells.
ANNOUNCE: "Monkey root canal."
We see a monkey undergoing root canal, accompanied by sleigh bells.
ANNOUNCE: "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells
ART CARD: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"  

ACT 2:
In this economy, many home owners can't afford outside help and have to make their own household repairs.   Tonight, we're debuting a new fix-it segment starring our Head of Props called, "Pat Farmer's Do It Yourself.'"
ART CARD: "PAT FARMER'S DO IT YOURSELF"
We see Pat and his team of home help in the kitchen of a young couple.   They have ideas in how they want to improve their house.
Pat narrates: "Today we're meeting with Mike and Sarah Connelly of Maywood, New Jersey. Let's see how we can help them, and hopefully you, the viewer."
PAT: "So, how can we help you?"
HUSBAND: "Well, we just bought this house and we really want to make this the kitchen of our dreams.   First, we wanted to replace the outdated vinyl flooring with some bright ceramic tile."
WIFE:  "Yeah, then I was looking to updating the cabinets and then maybe getting some new stainless steel appliances."
HUSBAND: "And then we wanted to change the lighting, install an island in the middle of the kitchen, slap on some marble countertops and put in a really artistic backsplash."
That's quite a plan.   Pat looks at the couple without saying anything.   The hopeful couple awaits a response from Pat. Pat thinks, waits some more, then exits without saying a word.   His crew follows.  One helper remains, probably wondering if he can get his own crew to do it and make the dough this young couple wants to throw.   Unfortunately, he leaves, too.
I guess the couple will have to do it themselves.
ART CARD: "PAT FARMER'S DO IT YOURSELF"  

TOP TEN: PERKS OF WINNING THE HEISMAN TROPHY – the Heisman Trophy is awarded to the outstanding college football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity.
And here to present tonight's Top Ten list, your 2012 Heisman Trophy winner from Texas A&M, freshman quarterback Johnny Manziel.  

PERKS OF WINNING THE HEISMAN TROPHY
10. "Old nickname - Johnny Football; new nickname - Heisman Trophy Winner Johnny Football"
9. "Get to use the 'Heisman Winners Only' lane at the highway toll plazas"
8. "Maybe mom will stop nagging me to go to dental school"
7. "Of course, there's a six-figure recording contract"
6. "This Saturday, guess who's driving the team bus?"
5. "I no longer have to go to practice"
4. "I'll probably be the only Heisman winner at my high school reunion"
3. "You also receive a bronze mouth guard"
2. "Get to appear on 'Letterman' - in the same city as my favorite show, 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'"
1. "My passport photo looks like this" (does the Heisman pose)  

Dave walks over to Johnny Football and presents him with his Heisman Trophy.   The kid just turned 20 last week.  When I was 20, I was throwing incompletions in college quad coed football games.  

ACT 3:
ANNE HATHAWAY
She stars in the sure-megahit, "Les Miserables," opening Christmas day.   And she's a newlywed.   She was married in September and managed to keep it a secret from the paparazzi, or so she thought.  Come the wedding day, immediately after the ceremony she saw a helicopter flying about getting some footage.  Anne did what any bride would to in such a situation: she gave the chopper the finger.  Anne demonstrates how she delivered the two-handed middle finger salute.  She did so with gusto.  Dave shares a story of the time Madonna and Sean Penn were married in Malibu.    They were afraid of all the media attention, the paparazzi, and helicopters.    Johnny Carson, who lived nearby, went out onto the beach in front of his home and shoveled into the sand the message to the choppers above, "'GIVL' you!"   Now that's a nice wedding gift!
"Les Miserables" – it opens Christmas day. Bring some hankies.  

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Do not miss tomorrow's show with Dave's guests Amanda Seyfried, Kennedy Center Honoree, ballerina Natalia Makarova, Awolnation, and a special Top Ten presented by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.    The Robin Hood Foundation is providing relief to people affected by Hurricane Sandy in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut.   You can help.   Visit www.Robinhood.org/rhsandy and make a donation.   Thank you."  

ACT 6:
JAKE JOHNSON
He stars in the FOX show, "New Girl."    Jake is from Chicago, a northsider, and a big Cubs fan.   His family is very excited for his success and just yesterday he was on the phone with his father.   Jake told him he was in CVS and was picking up some toiletries to prepare for his appearance on the Dave Letterman show.    Jake's dad was flabbergasted.   His son was going to be on Letterman.   Jake's Chicago dad blurted, "Shaddup!"    The more Jake tried to convince him, the more his dad bellowed, "Shaddup!"
Jake's dad came to visit Jake in Los Angeles.   Jake got them tickets to see the Los Angeles Dodgers play their beloved Chicago Cubs.   Making their way to their seats, Jake and dad saw Henry Winkler.  Jake's dad just had to go over to say hello.  Jake knew trouble lie ahead.   He had once worked with Winkler and didn't want dad to do anything embarrassing.  Jake intercepted his dad and did a quick introduction of them and then got dad out of there.   Jake was curious what his dad had planned to say to Mr. Winkler.  Dad then did a Fonzie impersonation.    Oh, boy.  I bet Henry never saw that before.
Who knew Jake's dad was Columbo?    Or Joe Pesci?   That's who Jake sounded like when impersonating his dad.
"New Girl" – Tuesday nights at 9 PM on the FOX.  

ACT 7:
"THE PRESIDENT'S OWN" UNITED STATES MARINE CHAMBER ORCHESTRA.
Dave heard them last week during the Kennedy Center Honors festivities.   And they were here tonight to perform a holiday favorite, "Sleigh Ride."  Following their performance, they then performed the "Marine's Hymn."   I was in the audience for both performances and it was great.   During the "Marines' Hymn," a gentlemen in the audience stood up.   Ahh, it must be customary for former Marines to stand whenever the "Marines' Hymn" is played.    And then near the end of the performance, I saw a Page approach him from the aisle.  I quickly made my way over, knowing what was to come, but I was too late.  The page motioned for him to sit down.  DOH!  He politely sat down.   

And that was our show for Monday December 10, 2012.

 
Johnny Manziel of Texas A&M – the "A" stands for Agricultural.  The "M" stands for Mechanical Arts.  The Aggies refers to the students at the "Agricultural" college.
Johnny Manziel's nickname is Johnny Football.
He was the Southeastern Conference Offensive Player of the Year.
He is the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy.
Texas A&M's record this year is 10-2, highlighted by a 29-24 victory over then-Number 1 and undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide.
Next Game: The Cotton Bowl – January 4th vs. the Oklahoma Sooners.  

Nice work, kid!  Already got quite a resume.  

Do you chop down your own Christmas tree each year?   I went this weekend to get a nice 9-footer.  I think I cut down a scotch pine.  The needles are quite sharp.   I mentioned to my sister-in-law that we may go artificial next year and she nearly hit me with a rolling pin.  She's probably right.   What would Denise and I talk about all season if not the Christmas tree? 
- "I think we got a good one this year." 
- "Yeah, but not as good as the one in '04."
- "What kind is this, a Douglas Fir?"
- "No, I think it's a Scotch Pine."
- "Really?  I would swear it's a Douglas Fir."  And on and on.
I don't look forward to a month from now when I have to take the tree down. These needles are razor sharp and I'll probably look like I was attacked by a lion by the time I get it outside.  

You know how I'm always screaming at the TV screen when I'm watching a sporting event, not so much about the play on the field but by what the director decides to show us.    This bothers me a lot.   Third down . . . . a run or a pass that is very close to a first down.  The ref runs in to spot the ball . . . . . and then the director cuts to a close up of the runner who was just tackled.   NO!  Show us where the ref is putting the ball!    I want to be able to judge whether it is a first down or not.  I'm not interested in the runner at that moment. What bothers you when watching a game?  

You know what show I wish they brought back?  "Twenty First Century."    It used to be on CBS back in the late 60s about showed what we could expect in the next century.   It was narrated by Walter Cronkite.   Well, we're in the next century.  Let's see how close the 60s documentary came to reality.   That's what I would do if I ruled the world . . .  or if I were Les Moonves.  

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Grads of MB Lamar High School in Arlington, Texas and sons of the great Ron Brown, it's Jason and Darin Brown.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER  

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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