Friday, December 21, 2012Happy Holidays from your pals at the "Late Show"!
Show #3779Katie Holmes, and Jon Bon Jovi. PLUS:The Mayan Apocalypse; The Sneezing Singing Monkey, the Late Show Holiday Party; a Top Ten List, and a Staffer Shares His Feelings.
" . . . . and now, starting quarterback for the New York Jets . . . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1: MONOLOGUE: - "Sure sign of the Apocalypse . . . the Knicks are in first place."
- "Hugh Hefner's engaged. He's 86; she's 26. He's very excited. He's been calling all of his friends on his phone with those giant buttons."
It's not all gray and gloomy. There is a silver lining to the Mayan Apocalypse. We take a look.
ART CARD: "GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE"
ANNOUNCE: "The Mayan Apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon"
We see a clip of that commercial, of the woman complaining about her diarrhea and loose colon.
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks, Mayan Apocalypse!"
With the end of the world coming in just a couple of days, we decided to put together this popular segment called, "Mayan Predictions That Have Come True." ART CARD: "MAYAN PREDICTIONS THAT HAVE COME TRUE"
ANNOUNCE: "In the 5th century, the Mayans correctly predicted a prominent New York Jets player would lose a fumble by running into his teammate's ass." See clip of the now infamous Thanksgiving play where Jest quarterback . . . . I mean Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez ran into the ass of his lineman and fumbled the ball.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Mayan Predictions That Have Come True.' A division of Dow Chemical."
And a trio of the Sneezing Monkey Singing Christmas Carols. 1. It's Sherman, the sneezing monkey performing "O Christmas Tree."
2. It's Sherman, the sneezing monkey, performing "Jingle Bells"
3. It's Sherman, the sneezing monkey, performing with the sneezing baby panda and the sneezing llama, "O Come All Ye Faithful."
ACT 2: At the start of the show, a fan was blowing that usually doesn't blow. It disturbed Dave so he decided to return the flight back to the runway. He called to abort the flight to fix the problem. But when the noise continued, he decided "To hell with it!" and took the baby back up. Full speed ahead.
Dave is in the giving mood. He takes a handful of pencils to a guy in the audience. Apparently this guy is recreating the set of the Late Show in his basement at home. The only thing he needed to finish the job was a bunch of pencils. And get this, girls, he's single!
Earlier today, or maybe it was last night, we had our annual holiday party. We had the cameras running so we could share with you the fun. We see:
1. Sue Hum and Biff 2. Attendance is mandatory - we see a staffer being dragged into the party.
3. Dave's son was there. We see him disturbing the party goers, thinking he was being cute.
4. Cue card Todd was getting into the tinsel again. He gags on a strand.
5. Our Jewish staffers celebrated Chanukah party in the dark and dank boiler room.
6. Joe Grossman was there with his monkey, Sherman, wearing matching sweaters.
7. Alan Kalter was seen planted under the mistletoe. Unfortunately, the mistletoe turned out to be poison sumac.
8. The Christmas Tree became self-aware and attacked Shecky. No one jumped in to help.
9. And Dave was at the party. We see him chatting it up with staffers. It could have been any day! Actually, Dave wasn't at the party. We see that he was in front of a green screen and only appeared to be at the party. Hey, where can I get one of those?
And that was the Late Show holiday party!
TOP TEN: MOST ANTICIPATED NEW WEATHER CHANNEL PROGRAMS - The Weather Channel is revamping their schedule with new original programming. 2013 is gonna be sick!! Some new shows include: "On The Radar" at 5:00 AM, which is primetime for the Weather Channel, followed by "Waking Up With Al (Roker)." Yeah, picture that for a moment . . . . waking up with Al.
MOST ANTICIPATED NEW WEATHER CHANNEL PROGRAMS 10. "How I Met Your Anemometer"
9. "Downpour Abbey"
3. "High of Five-0"
ACT 3: I heard this over the headset but I forgot to check. I think Dave may have changed jackets during the commercial break. Some of you may want to add that to your notes.
KATIE HOLMES She's in the Broadway play, "Dead Accounts" now playing at the Music Box Theater right here in New York City through February 24th.
Um, I have a party to go to. Last year I got there a bit late and missed out on all the little hot dogs. I'm going to make this quick tonight.
ACT 4: Sitting at the desk, Dave hears someone trying to get his attention. It's Jody Ebert, one of our editors.
DAVE: "How can I help you, Jody?"
JODY: "Since the world is coming to an end, I have a few things I want to share with you."
DAVE: "Oh, you mean the Mayan Apocalypse. Sure, go ahead."
JODY: (suddenly turning angry. He turns to Alan and bellows while throwing up the middle finger) "GIVL' You!
(to Paul, again with the middle finger) "And "GIVL' you!
(to Dave, with the double middle finger) "And GIIIIIIIIIVL you!" He storms off.
Dave, Paul, and Alan are all a bit stunned and confused.
DAVE: "It's going to be awkward when I see him around the office."
ACT 5: ANNOUNCE: "Just ahead, we're doing another show tomorrow with Dave and his guests Naomi Watts, Jay Thomas, and Darlene Love! The Robin Hood Foundation is providing relief to people affected by Hurricane Sandy in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut. You can help. Visit www.RobinHood.org/RHSandy and make a donation.
ACT 6: JON BON JOVI Dave and Jon share an exploding fist bump.
Dave asks about his name, Bon Jovi. His name is actually John Francis Bongiovi. He visited Italy to track down his roots and came across Bongiovi Plumbing. With his only being able to speak English and those he met only being able to speak Italian, there wasn't much communication going on besides "thumbs up."
Last week, JBJ performed at the 121212 Benefit Concert and helped raise $$100 million for the Robin Hood relief fund.
Jon Bon Jovi then stuck around to sing one of his two songs from the "Stand Up Guys" soundtrack "Running." The album is now available on iTunes
And that was our show for Thursday December 20, 2012.
I'm been reading a bit about the nutties who are call NASA in a freak over the Mayan Apocalypse. These people vote. These people drive.
I would like to thank Wahoo reader, afl.letterman original, and long-time David Letterman fan, Marilyn Sargent, for the day off.
'Twas My Night at The Late Show -2012 Edition
'Twas my night at the Late Show and all through the Ed
Not a creature was stirring, the theater was dead.
The set was all decorated in poinsettia and spruce,
Imagine my shock -- out walked Linda and Bruce.
Bruce's wink of his eye and that shake of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread
I'd made a mistake- it was the Weekend Late Show!
I sprang from my seat and knew I had to go.
Bruce spoke of avoiding online Christmas tree scams,
And Linda did macrame on orange juice cans.
I tried to run -stuck in gum -then awoke with a scream
In my night cap and kerchief- for it was only a dream.
'Twas my night at The Late Show, I was so pleased to enter
And see the new honoree of the Kennedy Center.
The cameras were hung by the desk and each chair,
In hopes that David Letterman soon would be there.
The audience was nestled all chilled in their seats
While visions of Letterman had their hearts skipping beats.
With Rupert in the deli and Dave's nurse in her cap,
We knew we weren't in for a one hour nap.
Eddie, the warm-up guy, came out looking leaner
From eating more like a reindeer- rawer and greener,
And then, one by one, out the band came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Will, Now Felicia,
Now, Anton and Sid.
On Bones, On Frank
On Aaron" But- God forbid!
Two reindeer were missing, I hoped they weren't hurt
Swiftly I issued an Antler Alert.
I called up Len Easton, "I suspect Dave's dog Sully.
I fear they're funked up, taken down in a gully!"
I hoped they'd be harnessed, brought back to the band
The horn section would once again raise the right hand.
I'd tell them how much I miss seeing them play.
What's that? -Oh. I'm being told they're okay.
Then to the top of the bandstand,
With no red nose at all
Now clap away! Clap away!
Out came Paul!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard jingles and jangles,
The producing and twittering of Gaines and the Stangels.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Downstage DAVID LETTERMAN came with a bound.
He was dressed by Sue Hum, from his mitt to his foot,
His peninsula hairpiece- the color of soot.
His hair rather nutty, well at least kind of squirrelly
He must wear it that way just to bug my friend Shirlee.
With a bundle of jokes thanks to Inky's hard labors,
And I thought- Wake the kids! Phone up the neighbors!
His eyes- how they twinkled! What a gap-toothed grin!
Why would anybody want to fatwa him?
In spite of that threat, I had nothing to dread.
Well, except for that thing on Donald Trump's head.
Out came Joe with his notebook, an unusual elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
I cringed just a bit but did not find it crass
As Joe read a few pages from his birthing class
He had a straight face and a cute little tokus,
That shook when he walked, like a plugful of mucous!
Then with a toss of a pencil, and a shake of his fist,
Dave proceeded to intro his top ten list.
He finished his list and went straight to his work.
Filled our comedy stockings, then turned with a jerk.
Rob Burnett paid a visit and I thought it was groovy,
That he gave me a ticket to We Made This Movie.
Darlene Love sang like an angel -and hark
It could even be heard in David Letterman park.
Snow fell from the rafters and I started to sing
And I thought to myself, Is this anything?
Then laying his pencil aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, the show came to a close.
He sprang to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And off flew his jacket like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight
"Thanks for being here, come again, and to all a good night!"
In loving memory of Bill Emswiler.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER 13 years ago he became entwined in the alt.fan.letterman web, it's Tom Cronin. This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER