CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Friday, December 21, 2012 Jay Thomas wastes no time taking down the Late Show Meatball.
Show #3780
Naomi Watts, Jay Thomas, and Darlene Love.
PLUS: shopping tips; the sneezing monkey and friends sing Christmas Carols; the Weekend Late Show; a Top Ten list; the annual Holiday Quarterback Challenge; and the secret behind the origin of the Holiday Quarterback Challenge.

" . . . . and now, your nightly apocalypse . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

- "Are you following the Fiscal Cliff? Republican and Democrats rolled up their sleeve. Then they took a break."
- "I do most of my Christmas shopping at the Port Authority Lost and Found. Wait till mom sees the glove I got her."
- "The family and I put up the Christmas tree the other day. It looks great. The wife said, 'It could use a new star.' And my son said, 'Just like dad's show."

Trying to figure out where to do your last-minute shopping? Here's a commercial that might help you out.
ANNOUNCE: "Long ago, the Three Wise Men came bearing gifts, including frankincense, and myrrh.
Now your gift-giving problems are over, thanks to Myrrh Shack! We've got myrrh candy, myrrh shampoo, myrrh cereal, myrrh sports drinks, myrrh tub and shower caulk! Myrrh Shack! When it's the thought that counts!"
Whenever I hear the word "myrrh," I think of my friend Johnny's impression of a horse: "Myrrrrrrrrrh." He did this only one time 45 years ago and we still make him do it whenever we see him. "Myrrrrrrh."

Buying gifts last minute is tough and companies are taking advantage. We take a look at this very confusing commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "Don't stress over last-minute shopping. Get the Gift Card Gift Card! It's a gift card for a gift card! Use the Gift Card Gift Card to buy any gift card. Get a gift card to Gift Card Gift Card? Then use your gift card to buy a Gift Card Gift Card to buy a gift card. It's just that simple. Purchase a Gift Card Gift Card at any Gift Card Gift Cards.
Gift Cards Gift Cards excludes gift cards to Ruby Foos."

Tonight's installments of the sneezing monkey singing Christmas Carols:
1. Sherman the sneezing monkey singing "O Little Town of Bethlehem."
2. Sherman the sneezing monkey, accompanied by the sneezing baby panda, singing "Feliz Navidad"
3. Sherman the sneezing monkey, the sneezing baby panda, and a surprise guest, singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" - the surprise guest: David Letterman.

Big applause for Dave's appearance in the sneeze. Yeah, I logged that sneeze. It's what I do.

ACT 2:
Time not to take a look at what's in store this weekend on the "Weekend Late Show." We find Bruce and Linda in their familiar position, today in their festive holiday adornments.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave, and Merry Christmas."
BRUCE: "Ho ho hold on to your Santa hat! What an exciting show we have tomorrow, Linda. Desmond O'Lunney, a local mechanic who restored and maintains his own one-horse open sleigh, will be here with us, and we'll even go for a sleigh ride in the parking lot."
LINDA: "Dashing through the snow --- wonderful! Of course, the holidays are a time of indulgence in food and drink . . . (to Bruce) . . . like I need to tell you! But if you want to enjoy a festive beverage without unnecessary cholesterol, come with us into the Cookery Nook where we'll learn how to make eggless nog."
BRUCE: "That's no 'yolk'! And if you're tired of the same old turkey or ham for Christmas dinner, French chef and famed equestrian Serge Bonaventura is here to teach us some traditional ways of preparing horse."
LINDA: Well, that's certainly different . . . "
BRUCE: "All that, plus thoughtful gifts for alcoholics, heartfelt holiday tattoos, and 'Does Santa Claus's obesity set a bad example?' . . . tomorrow on the 'Weekend Late Show.'"
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

TOP TEN: MAYAN EXCUSES - If you're reading this . . . . phew!
9. "Margin of error is plus-or-minus 5000 years."
8. "Mayan word for 'Apocalypse' very similar to Mayan word for 'Apple Crisp'"
4. "Didn't the world end when Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up?"
1. "Just trying to get out of Christmas with the in-laws."

ACT 3:
JAY THOMAS

We get a quick recap of the birth of the Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge. It was back in 1998 and we had New York Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde on the show. His challenge was to knock the meatball off the top of the Late Show Christmas tree. Throw after throw by Mr. Testaverde missed the mark. In the green room was Jay Thomas. He was itching to get out there to show Dave and Vinny how it's done. With every miss, Jay grew ants-ier and ants-ier. He wanted at it. He rushed past our Biff Henderson and ran on stage. Jay grabbed a football out of the bin, aimed, fired, and hit the meatball square in the breadcrumb. He then exited just as quickly as he entered. And a tradition was born.
That night, Jay got on the phone with his bookie and told him to put everything against the Jets, chiming "This guy can't hit a freakin meatball!"
Jay has become very popular among Late Show fans for this great holiday tradition. Jay laughs when he tries to explain it to the unfamiliar. "You do what?"

And a few years after his knocking the meatball off the tree, Jay coupled the QB challenge with what Dave considers the single greatest talk show story ever told. Dave sits back, gets comfortable, and says to Jay, "Take it away!" Jay tells his now famous story.
It was 40 years ago. Jay was a long-haired, afro'd DJ down in Charlotte, North Carolina. He and a buddy, Mike Martin, were assigned to cover the opening of a Dodge Car Dealership. Mike Martin's hair looked like the hair of a Bay City Roller/Metallica. So they went to the dealership and did the event. Afterwards, Mike and Jay got "herbed up".
Also at the opening was the Lone Ranger. Yes, THE Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. And he was dressed in his full Lone Ranger attire. Clayton always played the part to the utmost whenever he was adorned in his Lone Ranger attire. So after the day was done, Jay and his pal were ready to drive home. Jay noticed that the Lone Ranger's ride back to the hotel was nowhere to be found, so Jay, still herbed up, asked the Lone Ranger if he wanted a drive back. He accepted. The Lone Ranger got in the back seat and off they went. They were driving in a beat up, 10-year-old Volvo. They were stopped in traffic when the car in front of them, a Buick, suddenly backed up and smashed into their car, breaking a headlight. The car then fled. Jay was irate. He chased after the car angry as all hell. The chase went on for quite awhile. Jay finally catches up to the fleeing driver by the Anderson Seafood Restaurant and they come face to face.
FLEEING GUY: (angry) "What do you think you're doing?"
JAY: (angry with disbelief) "You hit my car! You busted my headlight!"
FLEEING GUY: "I did not!"
JAY: "You most certainly did!"
FLEEING GUY: "Oh, yeah, well what are you going to do about it?"
JAY: " . . . . . I'm going to call the cops!"
FLEEING GUY: (still angry and righteous) "Yeah? Well, go ahead! Who are they going to believe . . . me . . . or you two hippy freaks?"

With that, the Lone Ranger in the back seat of the Volvo, still in his Lone Ranger regalia, slowly gets out of the car. The Lone Ranger approaches the confrontation and addresses the middle-aged motorist who is lying and placing the blame of the accident on Jay Thomas.
LONE RANGER: (in a strong voice of authority) "They'll believe me, citizen!"

And that's how it all happened. Dave says he loves that story more each time he hears it.

And now it's time for The Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge. The meatball rests atop the tree. Dave and Jay take their position by Paul's organ. A bin of footballs rest on a stool. The combatants each take a pigskin. As host, Dave allows his guest to take the first shot. Jay aims and flings . . . and misses. Good throw but just off the mark. Jay picks up another football and fires . . . . and it's a direct hit! Two throws and he destroys the meatball, knocking it from its perch! Wow! No editing tonight! It only took two throws! Good job, Jay Thomas. Dave, still holding his non-thrown football, is excited and happy for Jay's success.

And that was the 2012 Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge.

ACT 4:
NAOMI WATTS

She's the mom to two boys, aged 4 and 5. There has always been an intense rivalry between them, with fights and competition a constant. The youngest was barely a week old when big brother dropped, or bopped, a train on his little brother's head. So far they've avoided the emergency room. Naomi says she has seen some light at the end of the tunnel. They've been getting along pretty well the past 6 months. It still usually ends in a fight but at least there is some cooperation and sharing leading up to it.
Congratulations to Naomi! She was nominated for a Golden Globe Award for her work in the new film, "The Impossible." The film is based on the massively tragic tsunami that hit Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family is separated with no knowledge of each other's whereabouts or even if they survived. It's now playing in select cities.

ACT 5: Military bumpers.

ACT 6:
People ask Dave all the time how he came up with the idea of the Meatball Holiday Quarterback Challenge. We like to pretend we originated it, but we actually stole it from another show. No, not Steve Allen, but the talk show "After Sundown with Rabbi Shmuley Zundell" on J-TV. We take a look at a clip. We see Rabbi Shmuley Zundell with two another fellow rabbi tossing footballs (pigskin?). After a few throws, we cut to see that they are throwing footballs at a menorah. On the final throw, the football smashes the shamash, knocking off the matzoball. "Hava Negila" plays; other rabbis join in to dance the hora. Mazel Tov!

And that's where we got the idea.

ACT 7:
DARLENE LOVE

It never ever gets better than this! Absolute perfection. Tonight's performance was the 26th Anniversary of Darlene Love's first rendition of "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home") on Late Night in 1986. She first performed it here on the Late Show in 1994 and hasn't missed a year since. It's not Christmas until I hear Ms. Love.

And that was our show for Friday, December 21, 2012.

As per usual, on our Christmas show we feature our men and women in the military overseas protecting our freedoms here at home. Tonight's heroes:
1. Master Gunnery Sgt Boyce - from Colorado
2. Staff Sgt Christine Cassell - New Mexico
3. Sr. Chief Petty Officer Christina Lenore - New York
4. Master Sgt. Jun Kim - Oklahoma
5. Petty officer 1st Class Essence Dawson - California
6. Captain David Yee - New York
7. 1st Lt. Ryan McCool - Pennsylvania
8. Sr. Airman Keshia Shutts - Indiana
9. 1st Lt. Alex Madden - Oregon
10. Spc. Adrienne and Shawn Shivers - Indiana
11. Captain Gable Hackman - California

Every year I ask the same trivia question: Darlene Love has performed "Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home" every year on the Late Show except for the first year in 1993. Who performed "It's The Most Beautiful Time of the Year" on December 23, 1993?

The other day I admitted ignorance to what a "lid" was in marijuana parlance. From Wahoo reader Jamie Hestor:
"The best was the 5 finger lid. Finger was a unit of measurement. Although not printed on the inside of a pee chee, a lid was roughly equivalent to an ounce."
Thanks for the dope on dope, Jamie.


We had the Late Show Holiday Party after the taping of tonight's show. I always hope for the same thing at the party: that an intern destroys his or her career by their incredibly inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, once again it did not happen. Everybody was polite and mature. Darn. Why don't they act their age? Maybe next year.

Thanks for another great and successful year for the Wahoo Gazette, everybody. I think I lost fewer readers this year than ever before! And I hope to lose even less in 2013.

Gotta go. Gotta start my Christmas shopping.

Yahoo! Days start getting longer!

Answer: December 23, 1993 - Andy Williams sings "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

The upcoming previously viewed programs
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25: From 11/21/12; #3765 - Scarlett Johansson, Willie Nelson, and Gary Clarke Jr
WEDNESAY DECEMBER 26: From 12/03/12; #3766 - Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, and John Paul Jones; John Krasinski; and Paloma Faith
THURSDAY DECEMBER 27: From 12/04/12; #3767 - Matt Damon, Martin Freeman, and JD McPherson
FRIDAY DECEMBER 28: From 12/06/12; #3769 - Bill Murray, and Vintage Trouble. Plus: ME, trying to sell Dave something.
MONDAY DECEMBER 31: From 12/07/12; #3770 - Dustin Hoffman, One Direction
TUESDAY JANUARY 01, 2013: From 11/13/12; #3759 - Stupid Pet Tricks, Julianna Margulies, and Mumford & Sons.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cornwall, New York, the new and improved Michael Mulligan
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Brian Williams
Perfume Genius

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, October 29
Jim Carrey, now lickable!
Tuesday, October 28
Showbiz bling: Paul wears a jacket made of real gold!
Monday, October 27
The legendary Jerry Lee Lewis can't stop singing.
Saturday, October 18
Do Alan and Foo Fighters' Pat Smear have something going on ?
Thursday, October 16
Dave takes the temperature of a home viewer.